I don’t trust my shadow

He’s a shady guy

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

A little boy and a man are walking hand-in-hand down a forest path at dusk...

The shadows are lengthening, a breeze is blowing, dead leaves are skittering, tree branches are rattling & creaking and the underbrush is rustling. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "Gee, it sure is scary in these woods!" The man replies, "You think you're scared, kid. I gotta walk ...

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

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A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing.....

There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard on.

“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”

“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”

The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow it’s casting and says, “It’s

2 o’clock.”
...

What do you call a shadow government ran by furries?

The uwuminati

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Made for each other - a thread

How would you describe the perfect couple of eggs?

- Laid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of prostitutes?

- Paid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of necrophilliacs?

- Dead for each other


How would you desc...

Teacher asks..

Teacher: what does the bee gives you?

Students: honeybee

Teacher: what does the tree gives you?

Students: shadow and fruits

Teacher: what does the fat cow gives you?

Students: homework

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I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

[walking thru the valley of the shadow of death]

It's nice just to be outside

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

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A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

As I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

One morning, an atheist was walking through a beautiful forest

He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled

He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside

He thought to himself: "what a beautiful world mother nature has created"

The atheist had walked a little fu...

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I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.

To my suprise she said presidents day.

I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.

She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.

Am I shadow-banned from r/astronomy?

No one is replying to my comets.

A wife is like a shadow..

But at least the shadow leaves u alone on nights

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

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What's the difference between me and a raid shadow legends ad having sex with a girl

The ad is longer.

Dr. Fauci walked out to his car this morning and saw his shadow.

Damn, six more weeks of Corona Virus..

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A russian, a jew and a german are at a bar

they talk about their grandfathers war experiences. The russian says: "war for my grandpa was so bad, he was shot on the eastern front fighting germans". Hearing this the jew says: "you think that is bad? my grandfather got killed in a concentration camp...". Seeing that the situation makes him stan...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

If Trump's hair sees it's shadow...

the government shutdown will last for 6 more weeks.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce pause this joke for a word from our sponsor, Raid Shadow Legends

I can’t take my shadow anywhere nice

He always looks really shady

COVID Joke

Ten years from now you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was.” Then you pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of cannibal raiders.

Trust no one. Not even your own shadow.

Mine’s been acting shady.

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The door of a bar slams open and in walks a piece of black tarmacadam.

He kicks over a chair walks walks to the bar and says, "Give me a bottle of whisky because I'm the toughest piece of road in this whole damn city!"

Soon enough the bar quietens down again and everyone gets back to their drinking. Suddenly the door slams open again and a piece of red tarmacada...

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Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

Stop me if you've heard this one . . .

Two country boys are determined to make their mark on the world as pugilists. They begin to train diligently - lots of running, jump rope, shadow boxing, and so on. Fall asleep at night listening to the theme song from "Rocky."

One day, they read in the local newspaper - *didn't I say they li...

Punxsutawney Trump

If Donald Trump comes out of the the White House and doesn't see his shadow, we get another round of vote recounts.

A big bad cowboy enters in the Saloon ...

... and asks: where is Billy Joe?
A very old man in the shadows says: Billy Joe it's me!
The cowboy then punches and kicks the poor old man until he is a wrecked thing on the floor.
The cowboy is leaving when the old man says:
Joke's on you! I am not Billy Joe!

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo

When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts “Micky Mouse!” This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says “but what in the hell ma...

I shadowed an opthamolologic surgeon today.

The experience was really eye opening.

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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3 guys die and go to heaven ...

... St. Peter is working the gate and tells the men, "All your paperwork appears to be in order. But before I allow you into heaven I need you to answer one final essay question. In 50 words or less, can you tell me the true meaning of Easter?"

The first man scratches his head, "Well, you cut...

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Three Asian men die in a car accident on Easter Sunday.

They find themselves at the pearly gates, where Peter is at his receptionist desk awaiting them.

“Now, here’s the deal,” Peter says to them. “You three were not believers, so you are not allowed in here.” The men glance at each other, beginning to grow pale. “However, since it’s Easter, I’m w...

Translated from german: What's red, triangular and flies over the lawn?

A red triangle.

What's black, triangular and flies over the lawn?

...

The shadow of the red triangle.

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

What did the lead singer of Queen say when he saw his shadow?

"I see a little silhouetto of a man!"

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Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

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The little red riding hood was walking through the forest going to grandma's house

In the midle of the forest, she saw a big shadow behind a tree, she went to see who's there, only to find the wolf.

She asked: Are you the wolf?

He stared at her and answered darkly: Yes i am..

She screamed so hard and ran away as fast as she can till she got tired. After a whil...

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2 Nuns

Late one night, 2 nuns were driving a minivan down a dark country road. All of a sudden a dark shadow flys past the van. The nun driving said to the other nun "Did you see that?!". "See what?!". "The shadow that flew past?".

They kept driving down the road when the same shadow flew past. "Did...

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

Easter Joke

So three brothers die together, on Easter Sunday. All three then arrive at the pearly gates and meet Saint Peter.

"Well, none of you have been that good. But none of you have been that bad either," Saint Peter says, looking over the story and deeds of their lives. "I'll tell you what. Seeing...

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Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate...

Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of sex and drugs. Yet, after their deaths they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head.

Then after a moment he speaks, "O.K girls. The Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another cha...

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

Your mom is so American...

She saw her shadow and called the cops

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

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Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate, eyes them suspiciously and says "Boys, most Japanese practice Shinto or Buddhism. You're actually Christians?"

The three indignantly protest that they were raised in Christian families and have practiced the religion their entire lives. St. Peter says: "Ok, I'm going to ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven." Excited about not going to hell, the three Japan...

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A man walks out of a bar...

It's a dark night, and he hears a lady whisper "30 dollars" from the shadows... The man has had a few beers and thinks to himself "I've never been with a prostitute... Why not?" He scurries into the bushes where he'd heard the voice with 30 dollars in his hand and starts having sex. Along comes ...

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

Happy Easter

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh...

Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.

"What's that mean?" the guy says.

"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.

The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval...

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

A young man was walking his date home ...

when they passed by a graveyard. The dusk was settling in and as the shadows were creeping, she locked her arm in his. He turned and asked, "A bit eerie isn't it?"

"Yes, isn't it."

As his hand slides around her waist, he asks, "Getting creepy isn't it?"

She says, "Yes isn't it...

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

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[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

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A nun and her friend are walking down the street late one night...

...when suddenly Dracula steps out of the shadows and stands in front of them, staring menacingly.
“Oh my God, it’s Dracula! What should we do?” says the nun.
“Quick, show him your cross!” says her friend.
“Good idea” says the nun. She quickly walks towards Dracula and shouts “Hey! Get o...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

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A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

A man comes to Jail.

His new cellmate warns him to drop the soap while showering. As expected, the new inmate falls down the Soap while showering. He looks around and wants to pick it up. Suddenly a big shadow appears. A bear of a man stands behind him and asks: "With spit or without?" The new inmate answers in total fe...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

What do you call a cardboard belt?

A waist of paper.

--

^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)

(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.

The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...

Easter Joke

A Buddhist, Hindu, and atheist die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, "Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the true faith, but the good news is you can still get into heaven if you can correctly answer a question."

He...

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

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