I asked my trainer at the gym if I could start shadow boxing.

He said, “Knock yourself out!”

If Trump's hair sees it's shadow...

the government shutdown will last for 6 more weeks.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

Does anyone know if Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning?

Six more weeks of government shutdown coming if he did!

What do you call a shadow government ran by furries?

The uwuminati

I can’t take my shadow anywhere nice

He always looks really shady

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.


"Where to?" he stammered.


"Vale Road," answered the wo...

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," th...

What did the lead singer of Queen say when he saw his shadow?

"I see a little silhouetto of a man!"

What do you call a cardboard belt?

A waist of paper.

--

^(Credit: Shadow Warrior fortune cookie)

I was visiting a historic site with a battlefield and two forts. The park ranger told me to be careful as the sun goes down, because the buildings cast a large shadow and it is hard to see where you are walking.

I said, ok I will beware the dark side of the forts.

I don’t trust my shadow

He’s a shady guy

Trust no one. Not even your own shadow.

Mine’s been acting shady.

Dave walks into a bar and sees President Donald Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence at a table, deep in discussion.

He doesn’t want to interrupt, but they see him, invite him over and they soon get to talking.

“We’re on track to bomb the Middle East,” excitedly claims the President. “We’re going to reduce those towelheads to a shadow of their former numbers. We’re going to kill 3 million Syrians, 4 millio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jungle explorer is captured by natives

and is brought before the tribal chief.

"Trespassing in our jungle is punishable by death." says the the chief, "We can kill you right now quickly and painlessly, or you can try and survive a test of courage and win your freedom."

"What's the test of courage?" Asks the explorer.
...

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

Three men were applying for immigrant status in America...

The immigration officer asked them what they knew about American culture and traditions, but they were all silent. So he asked what Easter is.

Man #1: "Easter is when a fat man in a red suit visits all the boys and girls, and gives them presents".

"Wrong answer, that's Christmas."
...

Why dont trees like going fishing?

Because they can only cast a shadow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.

"President's Day."

"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.

Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House...

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the lipstick and the eye-shadow do after they got into a fight?

Had makeup sex

Mike Tyson is the Collector of Life, the Harvester of Souls, and Death itself. He is the Grim Reaper. He has come for you.

He slowly approaches from behind, as you rock back and forth on your chair in the retirement home.

You know your time has come. You’ve had a good run. Your kids and your grandkids will live on and remember you and do you proud. You’ll see your beautiful Karen again, and you will forgive each ...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven

Upon being greeted at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven. Answer wrong, and you will not be allowed in."


He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"


She answers, "That's the time of the year when our ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

“Do you know what Easter is about?”

a man asks to a group of friends.

“Of course!” says the first friend, “It’s the one where the guy in the red suit goes down the chimney and-“

“No, not at all.”

A second friend chimes in, “Oh, I know this! It’s where you write cards to the ones you love and give chocolate hearts ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks out of a bar...

It's a dark night, and he hears a lady whisper "30 dollars" from the shadows... The man has had a few beers and thinks to himself "I've never been with a prostitute... Why not?" He scurries into the bushes where he'd heard the voice with 30 dollars in his hand and starts having sex. Along comes ...

Why did the white supremacist only go out at night?

He didn't want anyone to know that his shadow was black.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I opened my eyes sitting in a very dark room

I could only distinguish a vague shadow in front of me. I tried standing up, only to realise that I had been tied to the cheap metal chair. I grunted and tried to remember how I had gotten here. Last night I walked out of the club, a bit tipsy, and suddenly all went black. Ugh, I don’t know what hap...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

The best Easter joke I heard

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies,...

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger...

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin...

[Blonde] Two blondes arrive at St. Peter...

...and he promises to forgive all sins and enter Paradise only to the one who answers the question correctly. Sv. Peter asked first blonde to tell him what was Easter. The first blonde said, I know, I know ... It's that holiday on the winter, when we decorate a christmas tree in the house and celebr...

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen.

“What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, thos...

Girl, your parents must have been groundhogs...

Because when I saw your shadow it was spring in my pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My go-to joke whenever anybody asks me to tell them a joke...

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot. He asks the shop owner about it, and the owner says "Ah, that's the Wikibird. Not only can it talk, but it knows a lot of useful information. You can ask it anything you want and it will respond."

The man decides to test out the Wikibir...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Prime Ministers Day

I was eating breakfast with my teenage daughter and I asked her,

"What special day is it in Canada tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister's Day!" .

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister's Day mean?" .

I was waiting for somethin...

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Moral of the story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."

Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harvey Weinstein, Brett Ratner and Kevin Spacey walk into a bar...

Except the bar is actually Peyton Manning on all fours spreading his asshole wide open. Harvey and Brett don't appreciate the "prank" as much as Kevin does so they call their buddy Jeremy Piven to pick them up. The three head to an open-bathrobe party at Ben Affleck's house

Meanwhile, Kevin i...

Four rabbis are discussing a passage in the Tanakh...

...and are furiously debating it's meaning. The first rabbi, who we'll call Jacob, insists it means _this,_ but the other three refuse to believe it and insist it means _that._

Jacob, feeling disheartened, goes to the top of the tallest mountain and calls on God. "O', Lord, if I am correct, s...

I man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and ask for the most expensive drink, after doing that he starts doing shadow boxing, the barman looks at him confused and serves him his drink, after the man finish his drink he ask another one and starts shadow boxing again,the man finish the drink ask another one and starts...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

He sits down and says, "three fingers of scotch, please." So the bartender pours him his drink and sets it down in front of him.

Just as the guy reaches for it, though, a monkey leaps out of the shadows, dips its balls in the drink, and disappears just as quickly as it came.

"Wha...

One Dark Halloween Night........

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel...

A Jamaican guy asks another Jamaican guy...

"Hey mon, do you know what the thing that casts the shadow in a sundial is called?"

The other guy thinks for a moment and then responds: "Gnomon".

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an...

Three Muslim refugees try to enter the US

Three Muslim refugees flee to America only to learn that only Christian refugees are being allowed. The first Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says ,"I am a Christian and would like refugee status." The officer says,"ok if you are a Christian tell me about all saints day." The firs...

I am not racist,

my shadow is black.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tellum Time..

A US Calvary soldier was in route to deliver a message to his commanding officer when he caught sight of an Indian laying naked on the side of the trail flat on his back and with, quite noticeably, a hard on. He slowed his horse to a halt and called out to the man.

"You there! What in God's ...

The Engineer's Interview

An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tell...

Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...

Three Buddhist monks are at the gates of heaven....

trying to persuade St. Peter to let them in. Although his first reaction was to deny them entry, he decided to give them each a chance. They would gain entry upon telling him the story of Easter.
The first monk said, "Easter is a very happy time, a bearded fat man comes down a chimney and gives p...

Last night there was a total eclipse of the sun...

It was quite an eclipse. The earth's shadow blocked out the sun completely. It got very dark. The temperature dropped. It was eerie. But, after a few hours, I got tired and went inside to sleep.

I hear that there will be another one tonight and every evening next week.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a guy shaves off all his pubes....

When it starts to grow back is it called five o' cock shadow?

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

A winery is looking for a taster and so the vintner puts an ad out in the paper.

The next day, a man arrives at the office. He has greasy hair and a five o'clock shadow, he's wearing a filthy jacket and torn jeans, he obviously hasn't had a shower since Christ was crucified, and he smells strongly of stale tobacco smoke and cheap beer. The vintner sees the man's obviously a ho...

What is Easter?

Three blondes are killed in an accident and find themselves at the Pearly Gates talking to St. Peter.
"Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question for me. What is Easter?"
The first blonde says "Oh, I know that. Easter is that time in the fall when you go door-to-door and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My old man always told me to take the lead

I was never the brighest kid in class, i always saw myself as the silent type who sat silently in the back of the class. Maybe there was a reason for that, I always loved to look at myself as the mysterious type of person.
During my years of highschool, i never had a girlfriend, dont really know ...

God decides to tighten the requirements to get into heaven. You must know the real reason to celebrate holidays.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde are at the pearly gates, and St Peter asks them why we celebrate Easter.

The redhead says, "We celebrate Easter by giving chocolate bunnies and going on Easter Egg hunts!" St. Peter says, "Sorry, you can't get into heaven."

The brunette goes, "We celeb...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm Afraid of Graveyards

It was a chilly February evening. I had just arrived home from a long day at work and threw open the door on my house. My Rottweiler jumped on me, and before I even took off my coat we were going on a walk. We passed the graveyard. A fresh grave had been dug immediately adjacent to the entrance, and...

Easter Joke (Long)

A Sikh, a Hindu, and a Buddhist all die and go to heaven. Saint Peter greets them at the gate and tells them, "Well I have good news, and I have bad news. The bad news is you guys backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the one true faith. The good news is that you still have a chance to enter heave...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young Indian Brave.

Once there was a young Indian Brave who could never do anything right. After years of being teased by the Tribe he had enough and wanted out. He went to the Chief and told him he no longer wanted to be part of the Tribe. Puzzled, the great old Chief said that no one but Death had ever left the tribe...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hunter sets out in search of a bear to shoot for its pelt. He comes across a clearing and spots a small black bear...

He levels his rifle and lines his sights up on the black bear and fires. He puts his rifle sling over his shoulder but before he can step out of the shadows into the clearing he is tapped upon the shoulder. He turns and sees a massive grizzly bear. The Grizzly in a stern tone says to the hunter "Tha...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.

They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"...

Batman walks into a bar with a pig...

It was a hot summers day and the barman thinks it's a strange sight, not to just see Batman, but to see him with a pig that has jet black hair, black eye shadow and studded bracelets.
The barman says "Is there anything I can get you Batman?"
He replies "Just-ice for goth-ham"

Did you know the ninjas have gotten together and formed a union?

They strike from the shadows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys die in a drunk driving accident...

...and their three souls float up to heaven. They arrive at the gates of heaven, and after a minute, Saint Peter appears before them. Saint Peter says, "Boys, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have died in a horrible car accident. We would love to welcome you into heaven, but you first must pass o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So these three blondes die trying to jump the Grand Canyon...

Fortunately for them, they were all Christians, so they went straight up to Heaven and met Saint Peter at the gate. He put down his newspaper and greeted the women with a smile. "Alright ladies, I have no problem letting you into Heaven, but you need to answer me one simple question- what is Easte...

One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods..

He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature. After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint. Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, "Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put that out, and come frolic wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman has three applicants for one job ...

After exhaustive testing, interviewing and HR profiling they are still in a dead heat.

Finally she decides to go with what Easter means to each one. Just a random question that may give her insight to offer one of them the job.

The first applicant, scratches his head and says "that's...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home?

The shadow of his former shelf.

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says "OK, we've kind of streamlined the entry process here. I'm going to ask you a single question, and if you answer it correctly you will be admitted into heaven." He turns to the first guy and says "What is Easter?" The guy says "Easter, huh? Let me see... Isn't there a tree involved? S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lion and the fox

A lion and his wife lived in a cave, and everyday there was this fox who would come sit in front of the cave and start making fun of the lion and teasing him: "You call yourself a king? You're nothing but a pussy who's afraid of his own shadow. If you're a real lion come out here and fight me! Oh, y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The miracle of alcohol

An Irishman promises his wife that he will quit drinking. All goes well for about three weeks. One night, his friends invite him to join them at the pub.

"Ya don't have to drink at all. Just trade some stories with the boys."

The Irishman agrees to stay for a little while. After an hou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Holiday Joke

Three polocks were walking down the street when they got hit by a truck.They all died and went to the gates of heaven where Saint Peter was waiting. Saint Peter said ok, I've got to give you a quiz to make sure you're good enough to get into heaven. So Peter ask the first polock "What is Easter"? T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...