This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

In the US, whats the difference between a restaurant in a blue or red state?

In a red state olives matter

The baby blue whale is the 2nd largest baby in the world

Right after people who are still complaining about wearing masks.

Whats blue and isn’t heavy?

Light blue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

What's blue and smells like red paint?







blue paint.

If the green man lives in the green house, the yellow man lives in the Yellow house and the blue man lives in the blue house, who lives in the white house?

An orange man who doesn't want to leave

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

It's funny how the colors Red, White, and Blue represent freedom.

Until they're flashing behind your car

A blonde in a powder blue Mercedes convertible is pulled over for speeding.

"Okay" says the cop, "let's see some ID."

The blonde looks at him in bafflement. "ID? Like, what do you mean?" and he sighs: "Lady, it'll be in your purse, it's rectangular, and it has your picture on it."

So she digs through her purse, finds her compact, flips it open, the little ligh...

What happens when you do nothing about a respiratory pandemic?

Your followers turn blue.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

Why does goku play as light blue in among us?

Because he is a cyan

What is blue and white and can't climb a mountain?

A fridge wearing a denim jacket

Doctor, doctor

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

I'm putting together a juggling act where I juggle a bunch of bright blue balls....

The act ends right before the climax.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media about how 'Blue Lives Matter'.

I reckon if someone's turned blue, it's a bit late to be debating whether or not their life matters anyway.

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A really fast apple.

Why call them Blue Balls...

When you can call them a Cummy Ache?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you blue-ball Ryan Reynolds?

Call him green lantern right before he cums.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do the Japanese say farewell when feeling blue?

Cyanara.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

I couldn’t decide which joke to recycle for my Blue Cheese Day.

So instead, tell me your best and maybe even... *cheesiest*... joke that you’ve used for your own Blue Cheese Day!!

*Edit: Apparently that’s a* **Cake**. *Damn it. I probably could have found a* sweet *cake joke to use.*

I keep thinking that there's a color between blue and green, but there isn't

It's a pigment of my imagination.

Rhythm and blues

Never sign a contract for guitar lessons.
Too many strings attached.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Red Indian with one testicle

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years & years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read this strange new book about a dark blue star exploding out of a sailor's belly button

It's a novel naval navel navy nova novel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she's absolutely sure she'll win it.

One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says ‟teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is.”

She replies,...

A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

The...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

What’s the difference between a plastic bag and a blue haired girl

It takes a plastic bag thousands of years to break down but blue haired girls can have a breakdown in a second

There are two types of people that I hate the most.

One, there are racists;

the other, there are creepy, disgusting blue-skinned elves who are the enemy to the humankind.

What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?

Confused.

Whats the difference between a Girlfriend, a Hooker and a Wife?

The Girlfriend says: "are you finished already?"

The Hooker says: "aren't you finished yet?"

The Wife says: "Blue..... we should paint this ceiling Blue"

I'm not a cop

What's blue and makes you smile



Cake day

I have a oxygen addiction

I tried to stop yesterday, but after a minute I started feeling blue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Blue and lies under a mushroom ?

Smurf poop

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

Remember the song “Blue” by Eiffel 65?

You do now.

Enjoy having that in your head for the rest of the day.

What's blue and doesn't fit properly?

A dead epileptic

Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

My sister made 44 cupcakes with an assortment of red, white, and blue frosting for an Independence Day dinner.

"Why 44?" I asked her. "Because that's the number of real presidents this country has actually had?"

(This actually just happened.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”

The little lady, holdi...

What do you do with a blue banana?

Cheer it up.

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

A woman and her husband are having trouble with kids

A woman and her husband, both from Mexico, decided to have a family, seeing as their homeland is dangerous, they move to the united states.

They try to have a baby for many years but to no avail.

The husband feels something is wrong and wishes for her to go to a doctor but they have p...

Do you know why persident Trump is a fan of Pfizer?

He can't read well enough to differentiate between election and erection, and thinks if he just buys enough blue pills, the erectoral college will stand up for him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke I read while searching for jokes on Discord with friends the other day. Not mine, but good regardless.

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip across the country. He knows his wife is always getting horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her having sex with someone else.

So he went to a stor...

Attitude Adjustment

For her birthday, Jane received a fully-grown parrot as a gift. It was a brilliantly colored, with plumes of emerald green, sunset orange, ocean blue, and ruby red. But the parrot had a vocabulary worse than a sailor's. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the le...

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

Blue lives matter

There’s only 100 smurfs, their an endangered species.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and sire...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a phone call from a gorgeous ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

Why did so many Republicans vote for Joe Biden this year? (TW: Political, bad taste)

If you’re red, and you fail to take care of your voters during a respiratory virus pandemic...they turn blue.

If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can see the future.

Just trust me on this. My friend Dave did once & said he was gonna die & then he did.

What do you get when you cross a dachshund,a black lab, and a Blue Heeler?

A black and blue weiner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do my Balls and Nevada have in common???

They both become blue in November... AND.. they both take forever to finish..

Donald Trump must play Mario Kart.

Because he was in the lead but got hit by something blue at the end of the race.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OH Henry

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memoria...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dentist appointment

A may goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist comes in and pulls out a needle to administer the numbing shot..

Man says, "No, no. I am allergic to that medicine. It makes me swell like a blow fish." Dentist grabs the gas mask. The man says, "No, no. I can't have the gas eithe...

What is the Natzis favorite yu-gi-oh card?

Blue eyes white dragon

Roses are red, Roses are blue

Depending on their velocity relative to you



















Let me know if its already been posted before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

Roses are red, Violets are blue

My teacher told me to write 2 pronouns so I chose You.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out of the blue the other day I imagined a porn parody featuring works from Stephen King and Disney

Don’t know why that came to mind, but It was fucking goofy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day while I was walking down the street, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts completely out of the blue. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds totally ridiculous

Dozen tit?

James Cameron: I don't know what to call the unobtainable mineral the blue aliens are hiding.

**Guy who came up with "Newfoundland":** Unobtain...ium?

JC: BRILLIANT!

First baby asks second baby “Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Second baby “I don’t know...”
First baby “ Let me look.” Dives under second baby’s blanket and comes up red faced and says “You’re a boy baby!”
Second baby “How can you tell?”
First baby (triumphantly) “You have blue socks!”

[Late]If there's a blue house on the left and the red house is on the right where's the white house?

Idk they turned the lights off

How many steps? - Add questions if you have something similar.

* How many steps does it take to put an elephant in the fridge?
* Three: open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
* How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in the fridge?
* Four: open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
* All the an...

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?


A blue fish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill....

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A world war 2 fighter pilot is giving a talk to a group of school children about the Battle of Britain

An RAF veteran from the free Polish forces is giving a talk to a class of young school children and was trying to explain what the battle of Britain was like.

" Out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed ...

How do you spot a cultured Redditor?

They grow blue cheese.

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Leave him in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.