Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

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Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and...

Roses are red, That much is true

But violets are purple
Not freakin blue

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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

What's blue and not heavy?

Light blue.

Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.
What's blue and even worse for your teeth?
A VERY fast brick.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

Roses are red, my screen is blue

I think I deleted system32

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

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I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

What’s the difference between a blue mercedes and a Skoda

Diana wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda

What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

What is blue and stands beside a street in winter?

A frostitute

What's blue and f*cks grannys?

Hypothermia

How do you get a duck to sing the blues?

Put it in the oven till it's bill withers.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a blackbird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

If 2 black birds make a black bird and 2 blue birds make a blue bird, what makes no birds?

Swallows.

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply, "Well, looks like I drunk texted 3 of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I did that too before I met your grandmother.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “I’d drink whiskey all night and get pissed drunk.

Then wake up the next...

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House?

Mr Orange.

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

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My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date

Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job.

One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history o...

What do you call a disappointing blue?

*sigh*-an

what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?

Red

Roses are red, violets are blue(ish)

Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

Girl, are you the colour blue?

because 0000FF.

What do you call a blue eyed, blonde haired person who doesn't eat meat?

A vegetaryan

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You see a blue tit standing on a branch

And say "it would be great if I had a joke for this, wooden tit?"

An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.

"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.

After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his...

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

"Dad, why did you and mom name me Blue?"

"Its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"

"And why is my sister called Lana?"

"Same reason."

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth ...

What do you call a blonde-haired, blue-eyed person who served in the military?

A veterinarian.

My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

What happens if a European chameleon turns blue?

It's arrested for violating EU regulations

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One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds kind of ridiculous...

Dozen tit.

A tenured math professor handed out the blue books for an exam.

Considering he's given a variation of this test over the past 15 years, he didn't expect any surprises. As usual, all the students finished within the hour.

While grading the tests later that day, he came across an unusual response. As he opened the front cover, a $100 bill fell out to reveal...

What is blue and smells like red paint ?

Blue paint

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

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Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

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A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

What's the difference between the red pill and the blue pill?

The blue pill makes you harder.

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

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A blue whale's vagina is so big and deep that 5-6 men can easily lay down in it, making it the world's biggest pussy after..

After^Italy^during^both^world^wars

They say red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom.

Until they start flashing behind you.

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A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop.

Few moments later along came Old Seymour, stood near him and kept staring at him hard.
Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "What's up old man! Never done something wild?"
To this Seymour replied, "Yeah,I fucked a chicken once and I'm wondering if you are my son."

*Fantastic Ocean Life Facts* The Blue Whale is by far the world's largest animal...

...it's so big in fact that if you laid it out on a basketball court, the game would be over and the whale would die.

I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

What do you call a blue collar prostitute?

A jack off all trades.

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint!

The sailors were marooned.

A blue whale walks into a bar...

The bartender says "you're too big, get outta here!"
Killer whale walks into the bar, bartender says "hell no, no killers here!"
Then a sperm whale walks in and says "can I stay?"
"Sure" says the bartender, "sperm whales are always whale-cum"

What kind of work do smurfs do?

Blue jobs

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.