Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

What’s Blue and Really bad for your teeth?

A *really* fast brick.

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a blue whale?

About 10 pounds.

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What do you call someone with a blue dick?






A tight-fisted wanker

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An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

Ole Blue

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our...

Roses are red, violets are blue

Never gonna run around and *desert youuu*

Did you hear about the Red and Blue war?

I heard the soldiers were marooned!

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Bleach kills everything: mold, mildew, bacteria, black shirts, blue jeans...

But not the whites.

Fuckin white privilege...

You know what's green and tastes like blue paint?

Green paint.

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

A man walks into a pet store, interested in a parrot. He notices a gorgeous bird with a red ribbon on its right ankle and a blue ribbon on the left ankle.

The man asks the store owner about the ribbons.

“Oh, this is a specially trained parrot. If you tug on the red ribbon, the parrot will recite the Declaration of Independence. If you tug on the blue ribbon, he recites the Gettysburg Address.”

“That’s pretty awesome,” the man responds, “...

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She ...

What does a blue horse say?


What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?

A baby in a plastic bag

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

What's blue and f*cks grannys?


I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

A Priest was reciting a poem, "Roses are red violets are blue".

My girlfriend is 9 I'm 62.

What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

If a bluebird has blue babies and a blackbird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

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I recently went to see my Doctor who also had a degree in mathematics for blue balls

After telling him about my issue he simply said "circumference" but it didn't fix my issue sadly...

I was watching the Korean remake of Blues Brothers

Yeah, my favourite part was when they do Seoul Man

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I've just been watching a pair of blue tits in the garden.

I told the wife it was too cold for sunbathing!

What does a Blue Whale do on a date?

Netflix and Krill.

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House?

Mr Orange.

What is blue and stands beside a street in winter?

A frostitute

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My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date

Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job.

One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history o...

If 2 black birds make a black bird and 2 blue birds make a blue bird, what makes no birds?


Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant?

You hold its trunk until it turns blue. Then you shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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“You just awoke.” Grandpa asks, “Why so blue?”

I reply, "Well, looks like I drunk texted 3 of my exes last night before I slept.”

“I know how you feel.” He goes, “I did that too before I met your grandmother.”

“You texted?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “I’d drink whiskey all night and get pissed drunk.

Then wake up the next...

Roses are red, Violets are blue

If people say you're beautiful they're lying to you

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

How do you get a duck to sing the blues?

Put it in the oven till it's bill withers.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

What do you call a disappointing blue?


what color do you get when you hit a blue man with a yellow hammer?


Roses are red, violets are blue(ish)

Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.

Girl, are you the colour blue?

because 0000FF.

What do you call a blue eyed, blonde haired person who doesn't eat meat?

A vegetaryan

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.

He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth ...

A man walks into a bar with a blue bird of happiness on one shoulder and a leprachaun on the other

He walks up to the bar, hands over a thousand dollars, orders three scotch and waters, buys drinks for the entire bar and tells the manager to keep the change. The man drinks his scotch and water, the blue bird drinks his but the leprachaun downs his drink in one gulp, throws the glass and smashes t...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the s...

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One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...

This story sounds kind of ridiculous...

Dozen tit.

My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.

"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.

After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his...

"Dad, why did you and mom name me Blue?"

"Its the anagram of something your mom loves as much as you"

"And why is my sister called Lana?"

"Same reason."

If you are already putting up Christmas decorations, please avoid using red and blue blinking lights because it looks like police.

It’s so annoying seeing them because I need to put my beer away, hide my drugs, fasten my seatbelt, stop texting, slow down, put my dog in the backseat, holster my gun, and actually look at the road.

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

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A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

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Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

What happens if a European chameleon turns blue?

It's arrested for violating EU regulations

A tenured math professor handed out the blue books for an exam.

Considering he's given a variation of this test over the past 15 years, he didn't expect any surprises. As usual, all the students finished within the hour.

While grading the tests later that day, he came across an unusual response. As he opened the front cover, a $100 bill fell out to reveal...

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.