What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

What's Blue and not very heavy?

What's Blue and not very heavy?


Light Blue


(my kids hate that joke)

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

A red guy lives in the red house. A green guy lives in the green house. A blue guy lives in the blue house. A gray guy lives in the gray house. Who lives in the white house?

An orange guy

Roses are blue, violets are red,

I’m color blind.

My Doctor sent me a message out of the blue saying I need to decrease the Sodium in my diet.

Confused that he would contact me by text, I sent back “K??”

He just sent back “Na”

Now I don’t know if I should or not.

What’s blue and not heavy?

Light blue

The blue tarmac on my city's roads are scary......

They're cycle paths!

A joke told to me today by a little old man at Taco Bell completely out of the blue

Why was the man fired from his job at the orange juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic

Blue

Did you hear about the group of people that don't believe in the color blue? They think it's cyan's fiction

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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

All of the sailors were marooned

A bride asks her Mom to buy her a long blue nightgown for her wedding night.

When the newly married couple gets to the honeymoon suite, the nervous groom goes in the bathroom to undress giving the instructions for the bride not to peek.

She opens her suitcase disappointed to find her Mom not only bought the wrong thing, but also just wadded it up in her suitcase. ...

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

Hoes really be like blue shells.

They only chase me when I’m winning

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until

they are flashing behind you.

So I'm cleaning out my refrigerator and couldn't help to notice what a great blue cheese selection I have.

Not intentionally.

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Sunflowers are yellow

I bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts

If you drink the blue liquid inside a magic 8 ball you can see the future

I knew someone who did

said he was gonna die

he did

Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than

Blue and Yellow combined

A woman loses her son Eddy in a Walmart one day

She looks everywhere for him but doesn't find him. Mom loses hope and years go by. Eddy is adopted by another family and they decide they like the name Terry. So Terry grows up and one day is shopping at the same Walmart where he was lost, and passes a woman who stares at him oddly. She looks at him...

What’s gonna happen if you sing blues backward

It stops raining, your wife returns, your dog resurrects

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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A guy walks into a costume party wearing nothing buy a pair of blue jeans

The host comes up to him and asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation," he responds.

"I don't understand."

"Oh, I just came in my pants."

Why doesn't Ed Sheeran sing the blues?

He has no soul.

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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The blue whale has a vagina large enough to fit around 5-7 men. That makes her the second biggest pussy right behind

The kid who said his not playing just before he was about to be tagged

Marylanders: Do you know how to tell the difference between male and female Chesapeake blue crabs ?

The female will tell you how to eat her.

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I'm so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer.


I told him to shut his commie mouth.

I was thinking about getting a blue fish from the middle east

But I dont think they have turk-kois

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It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. O...

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s bill withers.

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee. He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?" the man says.

Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no ...

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

If a pink stork delivers girl babies and a blue stork delivers boy babies, what delivers no babies?

A swallow.

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

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Have I ever dipped my testicles into a beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. W...

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

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A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road...

A drunk Scotsman fell asleep at the side of the road, when two young woman walk past. One of them spots him, so she says to her friend:

“I wonder if it’s true what they say about Scots not wearing anything underneath their kilts?”

The other one is curious too, so after making sure the...

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

Did you hear the one about the philosopher and his girlfriend?

Yeah they were banging the other day and out of the blue he went “yeah I’m pretty deep in this thot!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

What’s Blue and Really bad for your teeth?

A *really* fast brick.

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

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What do the colors in the German flag stand for?

Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

I went to the doctor with hearing problems

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

What happens to the crew when a red pirate ship and a blue pirate ship crash into each other?

They get marooned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started going out with twins! [NSFW]

"How do you tell them apart?"


"Easy - One has blue eyes, the other one has a penis."

Followed by the cops

So I was driving on the freeway and I noticed this cop following me. I sped up to 50 mph, and he followed, then to 60 mph, and still he followed, then I sped up to 90mph and he still followed me with blue lights flashing.

So I was like "oh no", and pulled over.

The cop walked up to my ...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

Roses are red, Violets are blue. If you don’t like Harry Potter puns,

Something is Siriusly Ron with you.

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

A woman at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her he...

What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.

After a few moments, the young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son..."

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A blues club is holding a competition for the best blues performer.

Plenty of musicians show up, but among them is this one grizzled old bluesman. It's his turn to go on stage, so he sits on the piano and goes:

- This song is called: "I Will Slap You With My Dick All Night"

And he breaks out into a beautiful blues tune, after which half of the other mu...

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

You guys know blue doesn’t exist in nature?

It’s just a pigment of your imagination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.

Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Da...

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What do you call someone with a blue dick?

.

.

.

.

.

A tight-fisted wanker

I used a MeetUp app and attended a BDSM meetup...

but left the meetup a little blue :(

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