UPJOKE
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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint

50 sailors were marooned

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

Roses are red, violets are blue.

When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light Blue

Black suit, blue suit

A man dies and when he is taken to the funeral home, his widow is told they have a number of nice black suits to dress him in.

The widow tells the director that he always looked good in blue. Would it be possible to dress him in a blue suit?

The director says yes, but it will add to th...

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

Why do police officers wear blue?

Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

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How do you make a little old lady with blue hair say “FUCK”??

Have another little old lady with blue hair yell “BINGO!!”

My roses are red/and your violets are blue/there is no fourth line

(This is a haiku)

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

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I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

Blue ice from an airplane restroom lands on the man who was about to kill me…

It was a Deuce Ex Machina.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute half the population and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

Why did the burglar wear Blue gloves?

He didn't want to get caught Red handed!

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue...

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mou...

Do you know why blue whale is called blue whale?

Because it wasn't fat enough to be called yo mom!

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

I asked a girl whether she would date a blue-collar man like me

She said blue or white don’t matter, she’s collar blind.

What weighs less than the color blue?

Light blue

A Catholic Priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Blue Whale walk into a bar

The bartender asks what they want to drink

The Catholic Priest says, "I want to celebrate the spirit of the Lord. I will have a glass of red wine, to represent His blood and suffering".

The Rabbi says, "I will have a glass of Mogen David Kosher wine, to represent the reading of the Kid...

If “Blue Lives” are real…

…that would mean they were Assigned Cop At Birth.

Errors are red, the screen is in blue

I think you just deleted system32

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

A Blue Bell ice cream walks into a bar . . .

“We don’t serve your kind here!” shouts the bartender, angrily.

“But I know for a fact that you served Ben & Jerry just hours ago!” retorts the ice cream, offended.

“Yeah, but we don’t serve Sam & Ella.”

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

Whats blue and doesn't fit anymore

A dead epileptic

What’s red, white and blue, and brings tears to the eyes of many?

A bluejay in a blender.

What's big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

The Pacific Ocean

What is the difference between blue collars and white collars?

Blue collars wash their hands BEFORE going to toilet, and white collars - afterwards.

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A man walks into a costume party in nothing but a pair of blue jeans

The host asks him, "What are you supposed to be?"

He responds, "I'm a premature ejaculation."

The host says, "Umm... I don't completely understand."

"Well," the man says, "I just came in my pants."

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her ...

Why is the sky blue?

No one bothers to ask how it's feeling.

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)

The scientist asks, "Hey, why so blue?"

The litmus paper answers, "I just came from a date with a pretty basic solution.”

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

Eminem walked into a bar with a rare parrot - a blue-throated macaw - on his shoulder

The bartender says “hey, that’s really cool - where did you get it?”

The parrot said, “Detroit”

Did you see the news about Jonathan Ross, dressing up in a blue uniform and trying to provide antenatal care?

They say he’s having a midwife crisis.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

Why do health inspectors get blue balls?

Because they can’t come on the weekends

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Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how ...

Blue seal

This penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light is on so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, dec...

The blue whale is the world's largest mammal.

Second only to yo mama.

A rich guy visits a doctor for a little blue pill

The doctor gives him a sample to try out. He tells him to take it now and by the time you get home it should be working.

20 minutes later the guy calls the doctor to tell him his wife isn't home but the maid is there.

Doctor says, well... try it out with the maid.

Patient rep...

A man went to doctor as his legs were getting blue

A man goes to a doctor and tells him that his legs are slowly turning blue
Doctor checks his leg and tells him that his legs have came in contact with something poisonous and should be cut off else it will spread in his whole body.

Doctors then chop off his legs and he goes back to his hom...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

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Violets are green, roses are blue...

Alright you bastards, who fucked with the hue?

Brown or Blue

An elderly woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit," she says.

The mortician replies, "We'll take care of it, ma'am." He then yells to a maintenance man nearby, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

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Roses are red, Violets are blue

Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

Blue Guy lives in the blue house, red guy lives in the red house, purple guy lives in the purple house, orange guy...

Lives in the White House.

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"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

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I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Blue

Did you hear about the group of people that don't believe in the color blue? They think it's cyan's fiction

What does a Blue Stain and a Red Stain make?

A big mess

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.

I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.

What do you call a person who studies the color blue?

A cyantologist.

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What does a blue-green genie get from unprotected sex?

Genieteal warts

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

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Red and blue compete for their women's skills in bed.

Red says, "I'm sure my wife does a much better blowjob than yours," to which Blue replied, "I agree“…

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.

I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura changes to a shade of blue right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

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Out of the blue, my son asked me, “Dad, do trees poop?” After thinking for a bit, I answered, "Well, yes, yes they do."

“Where do you think number 2 pencils come from!?"

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?

(So they land softer when they're sky diving?) No, because white ones scuff up too easily.

\---

Why shouldn't you go out in the savannah between 4pm and 6pm?
\--That's when the elephants go sky-diving

\---

Why do elephants live in herds?
\---To get the group dis...

What should you do when you see a blue tit?

Say the safe word and take the ropes off.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

Why call them Blue Balls...

When you can call them a Cummy Ache?

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Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court

The game would be cancelled.

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An eagle who had just been divorced went out looking for new love one day...

He was flying around, and on the ground he spotted a dove. He flew down,
had a bit of ding dong with the dove,
then flew away. The little dove laid there and said...

"I am a little dove, I've had a bit of love, but I liked it."

The eagle was still flying around, and on the ground...

AMD is red, Intel is blue,

I choose i7 because Ryzen are few.

Why are handicap signs blue?

Because they're all crips.
(Sorry)

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

Whats green, blue, red and has white dots?

A penguin and I'll color it however i'd like!

Why does the ocean look blue?

Because the fishes go blu-blu-blu

This is way funnier when said out loud but it works!

Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

Did you know Mandalorians love blue-milk cottage cheese?

This is the whey.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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