How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

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What's the difference between Coors Light and having sex in a canoe?

Nothing. They're both fucking close to water

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out.

And they like being in the dark.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

How many dead hitchhikers does it take to change a light bulb?

Well certainly more than four because it’s still pitch dark in my cellar.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

How does a Memphis girl turn on her bedroom light?

She opens the car door...

What did Venezuelans use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

If light travels faster than sound...

Why did the driver of the BMW behind me sound his horn before the traffic light turned green?

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

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What's the difference between a traffic light and a vagina?

With a vagina you can go on when it's red, but you should definately stop when it's green.

Doc...I had a dream two nights ago I was a pop up tent and last light I dreamt I was an Inflatable Tent. What does it mean????

Well Bob I would say you need to relax...you're just two tents.

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.

Great idea; terrible execution.

What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don't look! I'm about to change!

The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A **realist** sees a freight train.

The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a real obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

How does Trump screw in a light bulb?

He waits for the world to revolve around him.

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I thought my stash was looking a little light, so I asked my Japanese roommate "hey, have you seen my cocaine?"

And he said "Oh yeah, he was rearry good in Re Itarian Job!"

Chicken and an egg are lying in bed. Chicken rolls over, lights up a smoke and says,

“Well, guess that answers that question.”

Did you hear about the scientists who lightly waved a feather over a man’s balls?

It was a test tickle.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

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What's the difference between Bud Light and the clitoris?

The clitoris only tastes like piss for a couple seconds.

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth….

...guess I’ll call it a day”

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Last night I told my wife she was the light of my life.....

..... that I forgot to turn off before I got into bed and now I'm lying here trying not to think about how fucking annoying it is.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never allow a change that could make the world a brighter place.

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When can't Catholics travel at the speed of light?

When they have mass.

In light of Blizzard Entertainments most recent PR plunder

They're digging their hole even deeper, some say they're even digging all the way to China.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

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A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

A kid asked his mom “can you suck the light?”

Surprised, she said “Of course not, why do you ask that?”

And the kid replied “well cause dad told the maid to turn off the light cause she was gonna suck it”

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

Einstein walks into a bar at 99% the speed of light.

He looks at the bartender and says, "Hey, how are you? Long-time."

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

Where do bad lights go?

A prism

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light..

But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one

What did communists use before they used candle light?

Lightbulbs...

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

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Mufasa: Everything the light touches, is our kingdom. Simba: What about that shadowy pla-?

Mufasa: Did I fucking stutter?

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you run around a tree twice as fast as light

You can fuck your own ass

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

Can werewolves drink Coors Light?

Idk if they can because it’s the silver bullet.

What does r/Jokes and a light post have in common?

They both brighten up your day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

What do you call a dinosaur that just got done with a light workout?

A Kindasaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

"You're a light bulb harry"

"I'm a watt?"

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

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