The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?

How do boomers change a lightbulb

They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a light bulb?

You tell him it was put there by Obama.

There were 3 people on a boat and 3 cigarettes, but they didn't have a lighter so how did they light the cigarettes?

They threw a cigarette overboard, so the entire boat became a cigarette lighter

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never allow a change that could make the world a brighter place.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

Can werewolves drink Coors Light?

Idk if they can because it’s the silver bullet.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Busch Light and pussy?

Pussy only tastes like piss for for two seconds.

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently not 9 cause my basement’s still dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

What do you call a dinosaur that just got done with a light workout?

A Kindasaur

Scientists have determined how many people it takes to screw in a light bulb.

It's less than to screw in a heavy bulb.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3: 1 to do it, post it, and not get credit for it; 1 to repost as if they did it; and 1 to state that the video is actually false and it never happened.

Light travels faster than sound...

... Thats why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?

He doesn't he just talks about how great it use to be

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

How does Epstein change a light bulb?

we don't know, his suicide watch didn't see anything.

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

"You're a light bulb harry"

"I'm a watt?"

What’s the difference between a pregnant lady and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb

What did the epileptic kid say while watching the light show?

Bro I'm literally shaking right now

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

Another light bulb joke

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

2

One to ride the giraffes, and one to put the clocks into the bathtub.

Why do light bulbs hate us?

Because we flip them off all the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a fuck about millenials anymore, they now suffer like the rest of us in their 30's with crushing debt, child rearing problems, weigh gain, and a terrible government. Welcome to the club ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to turn the light off when you go to bed, that shit is tough to chan...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

What did the traffic light say to the car?

"Don't look! I'm about to change."

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

What kind of lights did Noah put on the ark?

Flood lights

A couple was walking down their street in Christmas Eve, enjoying the lights, when suddenly...

...they feel a little precipitation. The man says, "I think it's raining, we should go back home."

The woman says, "No, I think it's snowing."

The couple argues about this for a few minutes. The woman looks around and sees a communist officer wandering around that street. "Let's ask th...

What kind of lights did the Incas use to get down from Machu Picchu at night?

Incandescent.

I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs.

I think it's a pretty bright idea

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

How long is a light year?

A year

How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

If light does indeed travel faster than sound...

Why did I hear the BMW behind my family’s car sound his horn before the light turned green?

In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here, said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As we made love she said "Ill let you put it in my ass but you have to turn the light off first"

I really should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

This question reveals that you are still thinking waterfall. For a more agile approach, ask e.g. "When will the scrum master call the janitor?"

Never Make a Light-speed Vessel Out of Wood.

It'd just end up warped.

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”



The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”



Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”



“I’m a seaman, sec...

This morning on the way to work, I wasn't really paying attention and i drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

What do you call a prom in the red light district?

A Shady Hawkins Dance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

How many Reddit users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one to do it the first time, then countless others telling their own version of the task in a repost.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

If a priest is travelling at the speed of light...

Does he still have mass?

My jokes travel faster than light.

I bet you didn't c that coming.

A Lebanese taxi driver is burning through every red light when his terrified passenger speaks up...

"Aren't you afraid someone will crash into us?"

"Nah. Everyone in town knows me and they won't dare to cross their lights without checking for me."

Finally, he reaches a light which turns green. He suddenly stops.

The passenger asks him "I understand about the red light. Why sto...

How many saxophonists does it take to screw a light bulb?

1, but they’ll go through 10 boxes before they even find one that they will use

I was wondering why my chair was so light

Turns out it’s 60% air

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

How long does it take congress to screw in a light bulb?

Three seconds, but the argument over which lightbulb lasted three years.

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