light travels faster than sound

thats why some people appear bright til you hear them speak.

How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with

They decide to throw one overboard, so the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

How many Redditors does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

All of them; each one adding something more twisted than the last

What do you call a baby owl that gets caught in a light rain?

A moist owlet.

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

today i screwed in a light bulb, crossed the road, walked into a bar,...

and realized that my entire life is a joke.

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The man started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming arouse...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two. But I have no idea how they got inside the light bulb.

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead baby's does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 53 because my basement is still dark

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light-particles in here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Light a man a fire, he’ll be warm for a day.

Light a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

2.000 light bulbs stolen

Investigators still in the dark

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

Why can't traffic lights date each other?

Too many red lights

How many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?

so.. um, wanna play basketball?

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

Why do fluorescent lights hum?

They don’t know the words.

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll just beat the room for being black.

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

A police officer catches a speed runner who passed a red light

The driver said, sorry sir. I didn't notice cuz I'm daltonic. The officer replied 'So you mean there aren't traffic lights in Daltony?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Porn shows women in a bad light," said my wife.

"Not if they film it right," I replied.

Little Johnny asks his mother, “Mom, can light be eaten?” His mother replied, “No, Johnny. Why?”

“Because I overheard dad telling Mrs. Smith next door to turn off the light and put it in her mouth.”

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What do sex in a canoe and Coors Light have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water!

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

...


Change? That’s socialism.

How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

How many trumo supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They all. Sit in the dark saying it's working ti someone questions it. Then that person is fired because there is no broken light bulbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

What do you call a transphobe that can turn on 50 lights at once?

A Jenner-hater

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

When I looked at my alphabet soup, I thought I was in the red light district.

Turns out I just saw a broth L

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If anyone out there is having a problem locating a homogeneous, stable mixture of two or more substances that does not scatter beams of light...

Give me a call. I think I’ve found a solution for you.

Volvo has Thor’s Hammer Daytime Running Lights. For 2021, Lexus introduces Nagasaki Airbags...

You won’t even feel the impact.

Lite: the new way to spell “Light,”

now with 20% fewer letters!

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point *turns off headlights*

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

I always hear that many hands make light work...

But I'm pretty sure that that's photons.

A man sees his check engine light come on, and it is also misfiring as well....

He sees a discount car repair place and heads toward it. He sees a sign that says "Free check engine

light reset" but he knows he needs more than that due to the behavior of the car. So, he mentions

what is going on to the front desk clerk and hands over the keys. The man notices a ja...

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

Have you guys tried lighting pure oxygen on fire?

You'll have a blast.

What did Bo-Peep say to Woody when they were having a three way with Buzz Light-year?

You've got a friend in me.

Mom, how do you eat light bulbs?

\- What? light bulbs? No honey, light bulbs can't be eaten. Where did you hear that?

\- Last night I heard my dad tell you "*Turn off the lights 'cause you're gonna eat it all*".

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, but that's cool man, you hum a few bars and I'll fake it.



A: Two hundred and twenty.



One to hold the bulb

Two to turn the ladder

Seventeen on the guest list.

200 to say their mate is on the guest list and they are their plus one.

How do Karens put in a light bulb?

They Just put it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth is on his death bed, surrounded by family. “Go to the light!” says his wife...

The moth opens one eye and says- “No shit, bitch!”

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can still get to sleep with a light on.

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lighting a firework inside of a porter potty is the most patriotic thing anyone can do.

Because in America, our history is simple: *we blow shit up.*

My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was changing over the light switch.

Haha, she's in for a shock

What did communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I got pulled over for running a blinking red light. I tried to convince the officer; "hey...

I caught it between the blinks."

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Jesus turns on the light.

A doctor asks his patient how he's been. The man says, "Great and the Lord is with me. Every time I use the bathroom at night He turns on the light and turns it off when I'm done." The Doctor asks the man's wife if she thinks the man is delusional. She asks why. The doctor says, "He thinks the Lord ...

Q. Why did the robot eat a light bulb?

A. Because it wanted a "light" snack.

Q: How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGONBALL Z!

Somebody stole all my lamps and lights.

I was very delighted.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

All this drama in the world. Makes me want to watch a nice light movie.

You know... Like Armageddon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On our third date she said she liked to have sex with the lights off.

She should have also mentioned "not in a cinema".

Not to make light of the gravity of the situation,

But this quarantine has really brought my wife and I closer together.

We have both gained so much weight that we are increasingly attracted to one another, by gravity.

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette. So they sent one of the four guys to buy matches, he returned without matches and said there were non left. The they sent another one to go and ask for matches from their neighbours, and he also returned empty handed and said that he didn't find any. So one ...

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

How do you get a group of emo kids to change a light bulb?

You don't, you just let them sit and cry in the dark.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

What's a light year?

Same thing as a regular year, just with less calories.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb he threw a huge party, everyone was invited

it was well lit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pothead goes to the local dealer.

He says:
- Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
- Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
- Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
- Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.

Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at h...

How many existancialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

One to change the light bulb and one who observes how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness.

My wife and I are really into light BDSM play...

...even our favourite breakfast is spank aches.

Two quarks separated by a great few light years remain connected by their pee.

Quantum en𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑒ment

We’re studying ‘light’ in science class and the teacher asks if she’s clear

“No ma’am, you’re opaque.”

A man was waiting at a red light..

When an alligator and a parrot approach his window. The man rolls down his window to see what they want. The alligator says "excuse me sir we've got reason to believe you've taken hallucinagenics"

Why do cops leave their light on when they go to bed?

Because they’re afraid of the dark.

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

What do you call a flamingo at a red light?

A flaminstop.

Two guys lighting up a joint.

After an hour the one is high and the other feels like a seven.

Why?

>!Because the one feels numb and the other feels number.!<

There was also another guy with them who smoked way more that day. >!He felt like an eight. You could say he felt even number.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician....

I am unable to deal with the current situation..

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

How many astronauts does it take to screw a light bulb?

One but it will take several others to prevent the spacecraft from spinning in the same direction.

---

From my book *400 Fresh Clean Jokes For Everyone*.

A man is walking trough the red light district..

He stops at a window with a beautiful girl behind it, takes good look, knocks on the window and yells: 'HOW MUCH!!?'

She: '€50,- !!!'

He: 'THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD PRICE FOR TRIPLE INSULATED GLASS!!!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my son gluing light bulbs to the end portion of a dog.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I asked.

"My mechanic said I needed taillights."

Why is white's light squared bishop fastest of all?

Because its on F1.

How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s

b. 100,000 km/s

c.

d. 1,000,000 km/s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

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