My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

What's the difference between light and hard?

I can fall asleep with a light on.

How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women like having sex with lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having good time.

What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light?

Why the short face.....

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing som...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, but it's not five, because my basement is still dark.

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and woman had been married for 30 years. In those 30 years, the woman had always insisted on the lights being off when they had sex as she was embarrassed. The man was thankful for this really as he was embarrassed too and scared that he couldn’t please her.

so in the dark he always used a big dildo on her.
After all these years of sex, she still had no idea that’s what he did. One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over an...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

“Hey, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar...

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Unscrew the light bulb and I will let you put it into my mouth

A young couple takes an elevator ride with an elderly lady. The horny girl tells her boyfriend, 'If you unscrew the light bulb I will let you put it into my mouth'. The guy smirks and they get off on their floor.

The elderly lady relates the encounter to one of her friends saying:

'You...

Light is faster than sound

That explain why some people seems bright until the talk

I just got hired at a light bulb factory.

The boss told me I have a bright future.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally turned off the basement lights while my wife was still down there.

I thought she’d be really upset, but turns out she was delighted.

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.


Just kidding. It's actually [█████████████████&#9...

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he's going to walk towards the light...

and turn it off !

How many kids with ADHD dose it take to change a light bulb?

Let's ride our bikes!

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

I drove into a car at some traffic lights whilst not really paying attention

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He looked up to me and said, “I’m not happy,”

“Well, which one are you then?” I replied.

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hippies don’t screw in light bulbs. They screw in dirty sleeping bags.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii.

It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment!

I did it once and fucking killed a cyclist.

How many country artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One changes the light bulb, the other one makes a song how good the old light bulb was.

I went to Amsterdam and decided to visit the red light district...

In one of the back alleys I met a man who asked "Looking for a good night"

I replied yes, so he gave me his offer

"My ordinary prostitutes all cost 1cent a go, but my finest are beyond money. They will cost you your arm and leg.

I thought about this and finally said

"If y...

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kinky in Bed

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!"

As soon as I did, she screamed!

I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

How many Jackie Chans does it take to change a weebs light bulb?

One because hes the Onii Chan they need.

What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch?

I didn't mean to turn you on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

In light of the recent video surfacing, Drake has set the cutoff age for his concerts at 16.

Anyone over that is just too old.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?

The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.

Vin Diesel pulled up next to me at a light the other day

Shocked, I saw him motion for me to roll down my window. I did and he said to me:

"You know what I put in my car?"

"Gas?" I replied.

"Diesel" he said and then he sped off.

The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train...

The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, hold on, how do we know it's not supposed to be that way? We've only been looking at that bulb for 2 years, and the scientists who say we need to replace it are probably working for the light bulb industry. Also, yesterday it was on! Why do we need to do anything if it's different day to da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

Did you hear about the relationship between the two lights?

It was really on and off.

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just enough so that they can say they're better than millennials.

The Night Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"


George replies, "God and I are tight..
He knows I have po...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the broken, asexual light bulb?

Nothing turns it on.

Why does Demi Lovato's driveway have a light house beside it?

The end part of her drive home is usually pretty foggy

How many racists does it take ti change a light globe?

None, they prefer to remain unenlightened.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

Light a man a fire, you keep him warm for a night.

Light a man on fire, you keep him warm for the rest of his life.

Light aircraft crashes in Scotland!

Two kilt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How is bud light like having sex in a canoe?

It’s fucking close to water

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

What do you call an airship made up of lights?

An LED Zeppelin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A relationship is kinda like a house, just because a light bulb goes out doesnt mean you buy a new house.

.... Unless that house is a dirty lying whore and if thats the case then burn that fucker down and find a new house with better light bulbs!

What do you get when you light a pig on fire?

a piglit

Light robbery

A man came home completely delighted when he realised someone had stole the light bulbs

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light!”

There was still nothing but now you could see it.