A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

How many small people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least 2, but they gotta be small enough to get inside the light bulb

How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?

One. They are efficient but not funny.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with his ship.

He sends out a light signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.”

​

The light signals back to the ship, “Change yours ten degrees west.”

​

Angrily, the captain sends a second signal, stating, “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

&a...

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

Three guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches to light them with. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

(Not my joke)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Sex in a Canoe and Bud Light have in common?

They are both fucking close to water

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

What’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

I asked Alexa, what’s the difference between light and dark soy sauce?

Dark soy sauce is used in Chinese cooking to add colour and flavour to dishes. Light is an electromagnetic radiation within a certain portion of the electro magnetic spectrum.

Thanks Alexa - you’re not technically w...

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)

(Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and plats)

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead Sirius.

What do you call a blimp with lots of light-emitting diodes?

LED Zeppelin

How many trans people does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But they have to live in the dark for 30 years before they're allowed to change, and nobody will believe them afterwards.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women always have sex with the lights off?

Because they never like to see a man having a good time.

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

What did the the traffic light say to the car?

Stop looking at me while I’m changing

What's the difference between a pregnant teenager and a light bulb?

.

.

.

A light bulb is bright

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, 10 isn’t enough. Because my basement is still dark.

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Seven

​

One to promote the project to the public and congress

One to write the bill and bring it to congress

One to approve the bill once it has been brought up

One to secure the zoning rights once the bill has passed

One to allocate the necessary...

Light travels faster than sound.

That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You don't know? That's because you weren't fucking there, man!

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It has come to light that a lit cigarette burned down Notre Dame

Upon hearing the news the Pope responded:
"Not surprised. Fags have been destroying the church for years"

What did the people of Venezuela use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.

How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many grammar Nazis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Too

I got arrested for beating a red light

Turns out they have feelings too

It’s amazing that we got a picture of a supermassive black hole 52 million light years away from us...

Maybe, one day we can get a full picture of your mom.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing som...

A photon checks into a hotel

When asked if he wanted help with his bags, he said, "No, it's ok, I'm traveling light"

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and woman had been married for 30 years. In those 30 years, the woman had always insisted on the lights being off when they had sex as she was embarrassed. The man was thankful for this really as he was embarrassed too and scared that he couldn’t please her.

so in the dark he always used a big dildo on her.
After all these years of sex, she still had no idea that’s what he did. One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over an...

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

How many PETA members does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Because PETA can't change anything.

(Found this joke in a Super Meat Boy manual)

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light?

Why the short face.....

“Hey, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar...

Policeman: Why didn’t you stop immediately when you saw my flashing lights?

Me: Well officer, you see my ex-wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally turned off the basement lights while my wife was still down there.

I thought she’d be really upset, but turns out she was delighted.

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

I just got hired at a light bulb factory.

The boss told me I have a bright future.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Unscrew the light bulb and I will let you put it into my mouth

A young couple takes an elevator ride with an elderly lady. The horny girl tells her boyfriend, 'If you unscrew the light bulb I will let you put it into my mouth'. The guy smirks and they get off on their floor.

The elderly lady relates the encounter to one of her friends saying:

'You...

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.


Just kidding. It's actually [█████████████████&#9...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Hippies don’t screw in light bulbs. They screw in dirty sleeping bags.

Scientists have discovered the only thing faster than the speed of light is...

...the speed at which someone will tell you they're a vegan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kinky in Bed

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!"

As soon as I did, she screamed!

I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

I drove into a car at some traffic lights whilst not really paying attention

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He looked up to me and said, “I’m not happy,”

“Well, which one are you then?” I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light..

..And next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there, kid. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the ki...

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.