How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How fast does light travel?

a. 10,000 km/s

b. 100,000 km/s

c.

d. 1,000,000 km/s

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.

What do light and hard have in common?

I can’t sleep with a light on either.

How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?

Tell him Obama put it in.

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

What did the trafic light say to the car?

Don't look, I'm about to change

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

It’s gotta be more than 7 because my basement’s still dark.

What did communists use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "*YOU* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 war planes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! ...

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

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You know why women like having sex with the lights off?

Because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

My wife told me to do some light reading at the end of a long day. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "60 watts - made in China"

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Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world;

I do the same and I'm “making Thanksgiving awkward.”

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What's the difference between Coors Light and having sex in a canoe?

Nothing. They're both fucking close to water

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

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She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

What do you call it when a light bulb is falling into a trash can?

It’s in-can-descent

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, its fake news that the light bulb is burned out.

And they like being in the dark.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

I met a woman once, she was able to light up the room when she walked in. When our eyes met...

She screamed and called the cops. I was later charged with breaking an entering and attempted burglary.

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I was putting up Christmas lights today.

I fell off a 32' extension ladder.





Good thing I was only on the first rung.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

What's the difference between light and hard?

>!You can't sleep with the light on.!<

Say "rise up lights" out loud.

Congratulations, you have just said "razor blades" in Australian.

How does a Memphis girl turn on her bedroom light?

She opens the car door...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

If light travels faster than sound...

Why did the driver of the BMW behind me sound his horn before the traffic light turned green?

Doc...I had a dream two nights ago I was a pop up tent and last light I dreamt I was an Inflatable Tent. What does it mean????

Well Bob I would say you need to relax...you're just two tents.

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What's the difference between a traffic light and a vagina?

With a vagina you can go on when it's red, but you should definately stop when it's green.

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple was having trouble communicating in the bedroom once the lights were out.

One day the wife signs to the husband, “Here’s what we can do. If you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast. If you don’t want to, squeeze my right breast.”

“Ok,” signs the husband. “And if you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, pull on my penis 50 time...

How many Irish men does it take to change a light bulb?

One but he has to be drunk so the room spins around while he holds the lightbulb.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An **optimist** sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A **realist** sees a freight train.

The **train driver** sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Bud Light and the clitoris?

The clitoris only tastes like piss for a couple seconds.

The lights in the Chinese restaurant were way too bright

So I told the server to dim sum

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a real obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

How does Trump screw in a light bulb?

He waits for the world to revolve around him.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

NSFW How many billionaires and politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They don’t screw in light bulbs. They screw in Epstein’s plane.

Chicken and an egg are lying in bed. Chicken rolls over, lights up a smoke and says,

“Well, guess that answers that question.”

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When can't Catholics travel at the speed of light?

When they have mass.

how police officers dose it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black

Did you hear about the scientists who lightly waved a feather over a man’s balls?

It was a test tickle.

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never allow a change that could make the world a brighter place.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I told my wife she was the light of my life.....

..... that I forgot to turn off before I got into bed and now I'm lying here trying not to think about how fucking annoying it is.

God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth….

...guess I’ll call it a day”

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 93,934 matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

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A man and a woman always made love with the lights off for over thirty years

Since the beginning, the man was scared he would be unable to please her. So he bought a big dildo to use on her instead.

Finally one night she turned the lights on and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She said, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

He said, “Explain the...

Einstein walks into a bar at 99% the speed of light.

He looks at the bartender and says, "Hey, how are you? Long-time."

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."


Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
...

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

A kid asked his mom “can you suck the light?”

Surprised, she said “Of course not, why do you ask that?”

And the kid replied “well cause dad told the maid to turn off the light cause she was gonna suck it”

Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

In light of Blizzard Entertainments most recent PR plunder

They're digging their hole even deeper, some say they're even digging all the way to China.

How many reddit joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure; still waiting for one to notice it's worn out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

Where do bad lights go?

A prism

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light..

But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one

I rear ended a Dwarf at the traffic lights on the way to work this morning!

He jumped out of his car and stormed up to my window motioning for me to roll it down. He said, "I'm not Happy!"
I said, "Then which one are you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate those drivers that try to overtake you on a main road doing 40. I always try to slow down and block them, no matter how much they horn or flash their lights.

Fuck ambulances, I swear.

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