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Clouds Jokes

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

what do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants

what do you call a computer in the clouds?

high tech

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

What do clouds wear beneath their clothes?

Thunder-wear!


Credit: My kid brought this home from class the other day.... I've been laughing all day...

I have a really good joke about clouds.

But it would probably go over your head.

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space...

"Lord", he prays, "I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the parking lot. Without hesitation the Irishman says, "Actually nevermind, I have found one."...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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A priest and a businessman were playing golf.

The businessman stepped up to tee and swung hard but missed

"Fucking goddamn to hell!" he swore.

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain, my son." said the priest, wagging a finger.

The sky darkened a little, but the two men didn't notice.

Three times again the businessman...

The one about he Norwegian man...

There was this young Norwegian man who always loved to go for hikes. Everyday he'd walk along the hillside, look down at the inlet below no matter rain, sleet or snow. Some years later he got a nice dog and he'd go for long walks high in the clouds just to smell the salty air and toss the ball with ...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

What did the pilot say while flying in clouds minutes before crashing into a mountain?

Psh, I don't need these instruments, I fly as I CFIT.

(CFIT: controlled flight into terrain - usually pronounced 'see fit')

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The lore of a genie atop a cliff prompts three friends to climb up.

As they climb, they discuss their wishes.

Dick wants to become a famous musician and travel the world.

Harry wants fabulous wealth and a long healthy life.

Tom wants to be a bird and fly to Mexico.

As he reaches the top, Tom sees the magic lamp first and scrambles to pic...

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly.

What do clouds wear under their clothes?

Thunderwear!




that was from my 5 year old who is clearly funnier than me

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

Where do clouds keep their money?

In a fog bank.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.




I’ll let myself out...

I was going to slap you because your head was in the clouds

But I mist

Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

We have clouds, and we have ocean.

What more could you want, from Sky Atlantic?

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

There’s this couple outside looking at clouds.

The guy points at a cloud and says, “That one looks like a horse.”

The girl laughs and points another cloud and says, “That one looks like a dog.”

They both laugh and the guy points at another cloud and says, “That one looks like a mushroom.”

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

Golfing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in...

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

What do you call the concentric clouds around a nuclear explosion?

Freedom rings.

I once watched a film about clouds...

but it was way over my head.

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly...

Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?

Because he was the raining champion.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

Sometimes clouds really want to rain.

But they have to make dew with water.

There are two buddy’s watching clouds together

There are two buddy’s watching clouds together, they point out shapes that they see in the clouds. One of them says oh look that one looks like a bunny, the other points out one that looks like a smiley face. After awhile the first guy asks his friend do you ever think the clouds look down at us and...

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

What did the clouds do after seeing the light show?

They gave a thunderous applause.

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A man's car died in the middle of a desert.

Some days later, he was desperate to find some water or shelter, as he was some time away to die of thirst. While he was still exploring, he found something which he has never seen before: A genie lamp!

It was pretty dirty and covered with sand, so he wiped it. As soon as he did so, TA-DA!! A...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

A man walks down the street when he finds a ladder going all the way to the clouds

(Long) The man being a curious fellow decides to climb the ladder to see where it goes. After he makes it past the clouds he sees the most hideous woman sitting naked atop the layer of clouds. The woman calls to him saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought success sounds...

Why did the weatherman sue the clouds?

They wouldn't let him see his sun!!

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So a nun was at Confessional…

So a nun is at Confession and admits to the Mother Superior that she had cussed. Concerned, the Mother Superior asked her to explain the situation which caused her to swear.

“Well, last Saturday I decided to go play a game of golf and on the first hole, I took a mighty swing but the ball slic...

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Pink Clouds

Every time I this joke, I always tell it replacing the "Guy 1," "Guy 2," etc. with friends' names. It's much funnier that way, but tell it however you wish. That's the great thing about it; you can change it to fit whoever you're telling it to, doesn't have to be about a pub. I once told it where my...

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Some people are like clouds..

..Once they fuck off it's a nice day.

Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds

The first golfer missed a key swing.

"Damn, I missed!" he said.

The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord's name in vain.

However, it happened again.

"Damn, I missed!"

The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord's name hol...

Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds?

Because they kept throwin shade

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

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