A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Roses are red, That much is true

But violets are purple
Not freakin blue

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing som...

What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?

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​

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Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

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A king, a clown and a little red haired girl walk into an Italian restaurant.

Last thing they want is food poisoning.

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?" Left me red faced when she replied,

"Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit"

A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night...

He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."

His wife asked how he knew this.

He responded with:
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Roses are red, my screen is blue

I think I deleted system32

What's red and has seven dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

What goes red and green, red and green, red, red, red, red?

Frog in a blender

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

What do you call someone who dyes their hair red?

Transginger

A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert...

After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"

"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"

The Indian replies...

"Sticky face"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roses are red, violets are red...

Oh shit that means the gardens on fire.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Red head

Anxious new father: "Doctor, doctor, I'm so worried... Both my wife and I have black hair but our sons just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny had been going on?"

Doctor: "Not necessarily, how many times do you have sex?"

Father: "About 5 times a year"

Doctor:...

What has six legs, green fur, red balls, and can kill you if it drops on you from a tree?

A snooker table.

Why do the leaves turn red at the same time each year?

Because the process is autumnated.

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

The red-shirted Captain

There was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family found out me and my girl had period sex last night

They caught me red handed

There's a brunette, red-head, and a blonde in the same Kindergarten class. Who has the biggest rack?

The blonde. She's 19.

I made my bookshelves listen to the Red Army Choir...

Now they're booksheviks

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blue man lives in a blue house, A red man lives in a red house, and a black man lives in a black house. Who lives in the white house?

An orange man.

Roses are red

Violets are bluish
If it wasn’t for Christmas
We’d all be Jewish


I don’t know if this has been posted before but I heard it from one of my uncles.

If a red head works in a bakery

Does that make him a ginger bread man?

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I put a chameleon on a red dildo!

He blushed.

Why are Santa's cheecks always so red?

Your cheecks would be red too if you threw your sack over your shoulder.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my son I wasn't going to take any more photos because they all had red eye

He said "fuck you dad, it's not my fault I'm albino."

As a trucker stops at a red light

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

Red sky at night: Shepherd’s delight

Blue sky at night: Day

What's green and red and goes a hundred miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

What happens when you add milk?

Frog nog.

A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of th...

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

Whats red and smells like paint?

Red paint

I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.

It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code...

I asked the blonde nurse why she had a red magic marker.

She said it’s easier to draw blood with it.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.

The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"

The officer says "it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's Black and White but never red anymore?

The fucking News Paper

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

What do you call that red stain around a shark's mouth?

Residude.

We should have known Communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

Roses are red..

Corpses are blue.

Sorry you're dead,

I forgot you're allergic to roses too

A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.

She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
...

Roses are red, sometimes they're white

Just like my linens
This is a Tide commercial

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

Why do baboons have big red balls?

So they can hide in apple trees.

What's the most dangerous job in Africa?

Picking apples.

What happens if you paint a barn red in Norway?

A pair of very angry Norwegian speaking parents.

Roses are red, Violets are red, Tulips are red, Dandelions are red

The tape around my house is yellow

Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road?

To get to the Otherside.

Why did Red Riding Hood stop running from the Big Bad Wolf?

She was tired of being chaste.

Roses are red, this poem is crass,

Why on earth,
Is my g-spot up my ass?

What’s red and white and can’t turn around in an elevator?

A ballerina with a javelin through her head.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

My face when my father finishes beating me

Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Bring me my red shirt!

The lookout sees a pirate ship sailing their way. The captain shouts to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings the red shirt and the captain puts it on, and when the pirates try to board, the brave captain leads his men to victory. A few days later, the lookout screams, "Two ...

What did the red army call their snipers?

Marxmen

Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?? Then I guess it works!

(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

The doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath.

I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

I ran a red light.

So I stopped at a green one to make up for it.

Why did the cranberries turn red?

Because they saw the turkey dressing!

A guy walks into a room to see his father standing over a bucket filled with red liquid.

"Father, what's happening?" he asks. The father replies
"I'm dying, son."



"Father, I said I wanted my shirts blue, not red!"







Sorry it's bad but hey, it's not a repost!
EDITED for clarification (am on mobile)

I have been to every brothel in Red Dead Redemption 2,

And I still can't find the legendary beaver.

Moses and Jesus are in a rowboat on the Red sea talking about the "good ole days".

Moses says "I wonder if I still got it?". He stands up, raises his hands to the sky and, WHOOSH! The sea parts. He lowers his hands, sits down and the water crashes down and returns to a calm. Jesus says "oh yeah? Watch this!". He kicks off his sandals stands up and leaps over the side of the boa...

A new driver was flying down the road with his friend in the passenger seat one night

His friend says, "Hey man, slow down! You're going way too fast."

"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive. It's late and the roads are pretty empty."

The young man then blows through a red light without even slowing down. "What the hell?!" his friend says, "This is not cool."...

Roses are red

I want you to remember
You are the reason why i lost no-nut november

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blod

A Man's wife was kidnapped by someone

Next day the kidnapper calls the man and asks for $30k to release her but the man doesn't show much interest.

Some days later kidnapper calls again and reduces the amount to $20k but again the man doesn't look like he's interested in the offer.

This continues on till the time the k...

Why are red neck murders so hard to solve?

All the DNA samples match and there are no dental records

If a girl has red hair, it makes up for other personality flaws

I call it the “Red Head Redemption”

What's the difference between the red pill and the blue pill?

The blue pill makes you harder.