The 83+ Best Red Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

I was stranded on an island with nothing but dark red grass, dark red sand, dark red trees everything was darkred.

"AHHH!" i yelled "I've been marooned!"

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint

50 sailors were marooned

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

what's black, white, and red all over?

Rihanna's halftime show.

What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What's red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don't know...

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!

Pop Pop: What's green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Po...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

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How does a red-headed man reach orgasm?

Alone.

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Roses are red...

Violets are blue...

WOLOLOLOLOOO!!!!

Ah shucks now the roses are blue too!

What's the most popular red wine??

We want our land back!!

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

What is black and white and red all over?

At this point, the shorter list would be "what *isn't* black and white and red all over".

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What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

What’s black, white, and red all over?

Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

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A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a...

Why does Santa wear red and white?

It's to represent coming during a christmas period.

What do you call a Pig in the Red Light District?

Pulled Pork.

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Roses are Red, Cacti are Thorny

When I’m around you, you make me very… happy!

I guess what I’m trying to say is aloe you very much.

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Roses are red, here's something new...

Violets are violet.
Not fucking blue.

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

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Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH) was traipsing through the forest on her way to Grandma's house when she met a woodcutter who was surprised to find her alone in the forest.

"LRRH!" he exclaimed. "What are you thinking? The Bid Bad Wolf (TBBW) will find you out here and when he does, you know h...

Red Moon

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.

“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”

“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”

“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”

“It’s OK, continue you...

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

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Why did Mars turn permanently red?

Because it saw Uranus.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

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A man found his dick all red and swollen after banging a hooker.

In a panick he rushed to his family doctor to get it checked. The doc told him there was no cure and the only way was to have it amputated.

Refusing to accept his fate, he stomped out of the clinic and went to the best urologist in his country. But even there he was told that there was no cur...

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,

fu\*k my garden's on fire

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First visit to the famous red-light district

A guy goes to the Netherlands for the first time in his life and, of course, he doesn't want to miss visiting the famous red-light district.

While there, he ends up going into a place that supposedly offered the latest and greatest in sexual experiences. They lead him to a room, and he finds ...

What's red and green and goes 90 miles an hour?

Frogs in a blender.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

What do you call red wine in prison?

Penal Noir

In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ...

the entire story is the sub-plot.

What’s Big, Red and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A tractor.

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water...

...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

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Little Red Riding Hood goes into the woods...

Suddenly, crouched behind a tree, she sees the wolf, and starts shouting: Wolf! Wolf! I saw you, wolf!
The wolf runs away.
After a while, Little Red Riding Hood sees a shadow behind a bush, and starts shouting again: Wolf! Wolf! I saw you, wolf!
The wolf runs away.
Finally, Littl...

Why did the tomato turn red?

Well, you see, the tomato belongs to a family of plants called Solanaceae, which contains a pigment called lycopene. When the tomato begins to ripen, the chlorophyll in the fruit starts to break down, allowing the lycopene to become more visible. As a result, the tomato appears to turn from a greeni...

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I'm so patriotic; I piss red, white, and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer. I told him to shut his commie mouth!

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Hitler had so many red flags around him.

But no one saw it coming.

Why did the nurse need a red pen?

In case she needed to draw blood.

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

I went on a date with a red head once.

It was going smoothly and we talked for a long while over some beers. She kept spinning her hair around her finger and looked at me smiling. I took it as a good sign but turns out it was just a red hair ring.

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

Red Skelton's advice for a perfect marriage - Lesson 2.

We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

What has two legs and is gray on one side, red on the other?

Half an elephant

Red Skelton's advice for a good marriage. Lesson 1:

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Roses are red,

My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.

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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

-So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

-A giraffe eating cherries.

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head walk into a bar...

All three are shitty at limbo.

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The Red Indian with one testicle

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years & years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'<...

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

Roses are red, violets are blue.

When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.

Someone just coloured in my entire Swiss flag red!

That’s a big red flag, and it certainly isn’t a big plus on my end

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

Red shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt! " The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and l...

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine, so I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now...

She’s sangria then ever!

What’s giggling, red, and gets smaller by the minute?

A masochist with a cheese grater

What does a Blue Stain and a Red Stain make?

A big mess

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is....

What is white, black, white, black, white, black, red?

A nun falling down stairs.

<Sorry>

Why did the three year old African boy buy a red convertible?

He was having a midlife crisis.

I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I don’t think she likes them.

She said that’s gross.

A burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

Why did the driver accelerate toward the red light?

So it would blue-shift to green.

Don't think that's funny? Well, comedy is all relative.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

What’s red, does 3 flips, and goes 80 miles an hour.

The car I was in a few hours ago.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

A man is standing on the Red Square in Moscow with a banner: "Death to the bloody madman"

Promptly, the police appears. "What, are you against our glorious leader Vladimir Putin?". And so the police beats him up.

"Wait, stop! I was protesting against Zelensky - the bloody madman!" - the man shouts as he is being dragged into the police car.

"Shut up, you. We all know who th...

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