A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

Who's red and knows whether you've been good or bad?

The Spanish Inquisition

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

Why do nurses bring a red crayon to work?

In case they have to draw blood

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

I heard China's president, Xi Jinping, is having a little red book made of his quotes like Mao Zedong had.

I hope it will be called "That's What Xi Said"

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

Roses are red, Acorns are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

Its funny how red white and blue represent freedom,

Until they are flashing behind you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is green and gets red when you push a button?

A frog in the blender

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

What happens to the crew when a red pirate ship and a blue pirate ship crash into each other?

They get marooned.

A stormtrooper and a red shirt gets into a fight

The stormtrooper misses, but the red shirt dies anyway

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know elephants paint their balls red to blend in with cherry trees? What’s the loudest noise in the jungle..?

A giraffe eating cherries

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Marvel endgame spoiler joke (roses are red)

Roses are red

Thor is fat

The god of thunder ends up playing fortnite and roasting children on voice chat

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

I met Jesus while walking on a dusty road, he pulled out some bread and fish. Then some red wine.

At that point I knew the guy wasn't legit because white wine goes a lot better with fish than red does. Rookie mistake.

At a religious education lesson, the teacher asks Johnny "What is red, has a tail and lives in a forest?"

Johnny replies "I'd say that it's a fox, but knowing those lessons, I think the answer is Jesus."

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Chinese people all have the same answer when I ask what red flags to look out for when I go to China.

They all say the national flag

whats black white and red all over?

a badger in a blender

Roses are red, Violets are blue. If you don’t like Harry Potter puns,

Something is Siriusly Ron with you.

do you know how to tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

you give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

What’s big red and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A fire truck

I've been dating red riding hoods gran

Shes an animal in bed

I once heard a joke about a Red Herring.

Maybe I’ll tell you about it sometime.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s drivers license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” She finally asked. The police women replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally found a square mirror...

Roses are red

Nuts are brown

Skirts go up

Pants go down

Body to body Skin to skin

When its stiff

Stick it in

The Longer its in

The Stronger it gets

It goes in dry And comes out wet

It comes out dripping And starts to sag

Its not what you think....

What's black and white, red all over, and can't turn around in a hallway?

A nun with a spear through her

(Told this to a nun in highschool during class. She threw a blackboard eraser at me but laughed)

Why were square roots, cubed roots, and other roots arrested during the Red Scare?

They were all radicals.

Roses are red, silent as a mouse...

your door is unlocked, I’m inside of your house.

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”

​

The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.

&#x200...

Roses are red, violets are blue

Never gonna run around and *desert youuu*

Did you hear about the Red and Blue war?

I heard the soldiers were marooned!

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

What's black and white and red all over?

A dead interracial couple.

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

Found a man with a red dodge with a custom licence plate that read Klifford

Klifford the big red dodge.

(Based on a real event)

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing som...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus s...

What do you call ninjas with red hair?

Ginjas....

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little red riding hood was told to look out for the wolf

So she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you mr wolf!” The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!” The wolf runs away, little red riding hood goes deeper in the forest ...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I bought my wife a mood ring.

Found out if she's in a good mood it turns green.

If she's in a bad mood it leaves big red circles on my forehead.

​

I got arrested for beating a red light

Turns out they have feelings too

A blonde, a Brunette, and a Red-Head were stranded on an island...

They were walking along the beach when they discovered a magical lamp. They rubbed it and a Genie popped out, telling them he would grant each of them one wish.

The Red-Head said, "I wish I was back home with my family." POOF! The Genie sent her home.

The Brunette said, "I wish I was b...

Thieves stole 30 crates of red bull from our local supermarket

I don’t know how they sleep at night

A blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head were stranded on an island....

The island was 50 miles from the mainland and the girls all thought they might be able to swim back, so they all jumped into the ocean.
After about 10 miles, the Brunette said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.

After about 25 miles, the Red Head said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And...

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

Roses are red, Violets are glorious

Don't sneak up on,
Oscar Pristorius

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

What did the policeman shout when he caught seafood thieves red-handed?

NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roses are Red, Violets are Red, Trees are Red....

Oh shit the gardens on fire!

Why did the tomato go red?

Because it saw salad dressing.

NSFW. What’s the difference between purple and red?

The grip!

Roses are red,

My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.

A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night...

He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."

His wife asked how he knew this.

He responded with:
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

On the Red Carpet

Reporter: "Who are you wearing?"

Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked."

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

What is the proper way to tell a red head joke?

Gingerly.

A Priest was reciting a poem, "Roses are red violets are blue".

My girlfriend is 9 I'm 62.

I asked my girlfriend if they serve whales at red lobster.

That way next time we go we know if we can bring her mother.

What's red and has seven dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to Amsterdam and decided to visit the red light district...

In one of the back alleys I met a man who asked "Looking for a good night"

I replied yes, so he gave me his offer

"My ordinary prostitutes all cost 1cent a go, but my finest are beyond money. They will cost you your arm and leg.

I thought about this and finally said

"If y...

A couple walks down the street.

They talk about many things as they walk but eventually shift the topic of conversation to the weather.

The husband says, "Honey, we should hurry up before it starts to rain."

To which the wife replies, "I know these clouds dear, it is not going to rain."

The discussion goes on ...

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd s...

Whats red and white and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl

A king, a clown and a little red haired girl walk into an Italian restaurant.

Last thing they want is food poisoning.

Police Officer: "Why did you run that red light back there!!?

Me: "Are you a Cain Velasquez fan?"

Officer: (looks surprised) Yeah, big fan".

Me: "My damn knee buckled when I tried to hit the brake."

Officer: (Puts his head down) You can go

I just re-watched The Hunt for Red October.

The entire movie is the sub plot.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.

I added some fruit and orange juice. Now she's sangria than ever.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three women talking in what sounded like Scottish accent. So I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland?” One of them turned red when she heard me and said, "It’s Wales you fool!” So I apologized and replied,

"I do apologise, Are you three whales from Scotland?"

credit: u/Brailledit

Why is a fire engine red?

You’d be red too if your hose was showing.

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