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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

Being racist is like saying you don't like red skittles

They may be a different colour but they still taste about the same

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

Whats black, white and red all over?

Half a zebra

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Roses are red, Violets are blue,

Pornhub is down,
Your mom's facebook will do.

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Errors are red, my screen is blue

Errors are red,

My screen is blue.

Someone help me,

I’ve deleted “Sys32”

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

Roses are red, violet's are blue

When I listen to rock music.
My neighbours do too.

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A blond, brunette and red head are all in the delivery room ready to give birth.

The doctor walks in and goes the the brunette and asks how she prefers to have sex.

When she replies "missionary" he guesses she'll have a boy. A few minutes later, the baby is born and it's a boy.

Then the doctor steps up to the red head and asks how she prefers to have sex.
...

Why are fire trucks red???

Because they have 8 wheels....
They hold 4 passengers...
8+4=12...
There are 12 inches in a foot...
A foot is also known as a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was a ruler...
Queen Elizabeth was also the name of a ship...
That ship sailed the seas...
In the seas there are fish...
...

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Roses are red.

Violets are red.

Tulips are red.

Bushes are red.

Trees are red.

Holy shit! My garden is on FIRE!

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One time I was in Amsterdam and I decided to go to the Red Light District

As I was walking by the sex shops and back alleys I ran into a man in a suit who said
_"Hey! You lookin' for a good time?"_
So we got to talking and he eventually cut to the chase and said
_"Look you have two choices, our cheapest prostitutes can be had for a cent but our finest will run ...

Roses are Red, Chocolate is Brown..

My wife ate asparagus and wants me to go down.

&nbsp;

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

(Arguing with my daughter about the age of this joke) What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

Roses are red,

Grass is greener,

When I'm with you,

I play with my wiener.

What’s red and hurts your teeth?

A brick.

If two red-heads have a child, it’s ginger-bred

this is the seventh time this joke has been posted here in seven years

I had an important essay on the relation between Occam's razor, Red Herrings and Chekhov's gun...

...my teacher wasn't happy it was late and I just wrote "Will keep this simple, avoid obvious distractions and later it will be done."

What's red and has 7 dents?

Snow White's cherry

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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1942. Two Nazi generals are at their headquarters, when suddenly the Red Phone rings.

The red line is reserved for Hitler himself, so they both know who's calling. Their faces turn pale, they look at each other with fear in their eyes. Finally one of them picks up the phone, puts it to his ear and listens. He says:

"Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhre...

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.

Randolf the brown nosed reindeer,

he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.

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A few months ago, my dick suddenly turned red. I have been keeping a diary about it since then.

I call it the Chronicles of Reddick.

This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water...

... I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home...

The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in?

The white house.

A red tractor turned into a field of potatoes

It was clearly a magic tractor

"The Chairman of the Red Cross Society of China had been kidnapped. The kidnapper demands for 10mil or he will burn the Chair alive with gasoline. How much are you willing to help?"

A guy in Wuhan replied: "Maybe 10 gallon."

I told my dad that the red head gene is slowly dying off

And he said “son, we’ve got to work on that”

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats?

... it’s a little gnome fact

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Two friends are driving together in a car when the driver runs a red light

“what the hell is your problem? The light was red!” says the passenger.

The driver calmly responded, “Don’t worry about it. My brother does it all the time!”

They continue driving for another minute when they approach another red light. The driver runs through it without hesitation....

What's Black and White and Red all over?

A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde were walking through the woods.

They were making their way for quite some time, when all of a sudden, they stumbled upon a pair of mysterious tracks belonging to an animal they've never seen before.


The brunette gets down and takes a closer look. " you guys are silly, these are obviously deer tracks " she laughs. ...

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What's the difference between red and green?

Nothing if you're a cyclist cunt.

What’s orange, red and looks good on furries?

Fire.

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

Why are London buses red?

You'd be red too if you had to come every 10 minutes

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

"During your exam you hit two curbs, ran a red light, and went too fast," said the examiner.

"But on the upside," I replied, "you haven't arrested me for drunk driving."

A Seattle Mariners fan, a Detroit Tigers fan, a Boston Red Sox fan, and a New York Yankees fan are climbing up a cliff.

They are arguing over who is most loyal to their team. It gets to the point where, when they are halfway up the cliff, the Tigers fan yells, "This is for Detroit!" He then jumps off the cliff and dies.

The three remaining climbers continue to climb until they are three-quarters of the way up ...

Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer died today over Barcelona. He was struck by a flock of seagulls and a 747.

Eyewitnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

Wife: do you know why our son won’t wear the red shirt I laid out for him?

**Me:** nope.

[flashback to watching Star Trek]

**Me:** so the guy in the red shirt *always* dies.

Why is Mark Zuckerberg‘s face red after talking to a woman?

From the mace

Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat?

Meow.

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I'm so patriotic I piss red, white, and blue!

The doctor told me things like, "that's liver failure," and, "you're going to die if you don't go to a hospital," but I told him to shut his Commie mouth.

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter show...

A Red Shirt and a Storm Trooper get in a Fire Fight in a Hallway...

The Storm trooper misses every shot, but the Red shirt still dies.

A blonde, brunette, and red head are running from the cops...

They jump into a train car and hide in 3 sacks.

The cops come up and hit the first sack.

“Woof woof”, goes the brunette. “Oh, it’s just a dog”, the cops say.

The cops then hit the second sack. “Meow”, goes the redhead. “A cat”, the cops agree.

The cops get to the thi...

I've read about an airport infra-red camera that detected breast cancer.

I guess we can't stress enough the importance of mass surveillance.

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

Viking warlord Rudolph the Red is awoken suddenly in the night.

Opening his eyes, he turns over to look out his window. A loud pattering sound fills his hut. “What is that?” asks Rudolph’s wife.

Rudolph gets out of bed to get a closer look outside. After a few seconds of observation, he comes to a conclusion. “It’s raining,” he informs his wife. Sleepily...

A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.

However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said:

“A dove should not be friends with a donkey.”

“Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile.

The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in h...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also was a blonde...

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in...

A Viking by the name of Rudolph the Red looked out his window.

He turns to his wife and says, Bring the little ones inside, it looks like its going to be a wet day. His wife says “why do you say that” he looks at her and says
“Because Rudolph the red Knows Rain Dear”

(Merry Christmas You Filthy Animals)

What’s the difference between the red hot chilli peppers and Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to slaves...

There was a blond, brunnete, and a red head

They were walking down the street when a van pulled up.

The guy in the van said that he had a magical mirror.
If you tell it the truth then you get a wish.

If you lie, then you get sucked into the endless void.

The three decided to try it out and the red head went first. ...

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

What's red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red

It depends on how hard you throw them

The color of the upvote is red, that’s why it’s called Reddit

*just a joke no need to get aggressive*

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Lost Wife

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm...

What happened to the arrogant red-shirt who demanded his Star Fleet Captain beam him up?

He was hoisted by his own Piccard.

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

Whats red, green, and goes 80 miles an hour.

A frog in a blender/

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Are you a red stone torch

Because you make my piston turn on

Stalin tells a joke

Stalin decided to tell a joke one day. He gathered his faithful people to the red square and proclaimed that He would now tell a glorious joke. HIS people were curious and said:”well comrade Stalin what is it?”. Stalin, with a straight face said: “Food”. The people were puzzled and said: “Comrade St...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

Roses are Red, you can set them on a shelf,

Just a friendly reminder, Epstein didn't kill himself .

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

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I have a “Honk if you think I’m sexy bumper sticker” on the back of my truck...

I have to sit through red to green light changes to try and make myself feel better

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Why did the cranberries turn red?

It saw the turkey dressing

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

All of the sailors were marooned

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A redhead walks into a tattoo show wearing a leather miniskirt and no panties and sits down in the tattoo chair and says, "I want a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the inside of one thigh and Richie Sambora on the other."

Tattoo artist asks, " What on earth for?"
Woman says, "So when I masturbate I can imagine I'm with either one, or both of them and have really intense orgasms!"
Makes sense to the tattoo artist so he dives in and gets to work. A few hours later the tattoo artist tells the woman that he's finis...

Why are there two d's in reddit?

The second one is a repost.

How do you circumcise a red neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Did you hear that Anheuser-Busch has taken over the Red Cross’s public relations?

Their new slogan is “This Blood’s for You.”

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I sneezed on the anti-vaxxer and gave him the flu.

Update: He died and know they are gonna sue.

r/AskReddit: Colorblind people of reddit. Do you see a man/woman sleeping with lots of people as a red flag?

Or is it just gray for you?

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

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