Roses are Red, Reposters are lame,

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It's funny how the colors Red, White, and Blue represent freedom.

Until they're flashing behind your car

Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

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What is green, but after pushing a button, turns red

A frog in the blender

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

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A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a...

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

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You guys keep getting this joke wrong. "What is red and bad for your teeth?"

A brick...

Now shut the fuck up.

What's red and bad for your teeth ?

A brick

What’s black, white, and red all over?

The American Civil War

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird ...

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

What does red paint smell like?

Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

I broke up with my girlfriend after 5 years, after I found she was a communist.

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.

"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!"

A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the onl...

Why are there two "d"s in reddit?

The second one's a repost

Reddit changed their logo and removed the red.

Now its blackdit

When I looked at my alphabet soup, I thought I was in the red light district.

Turns out I just saw a broth L

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns...

What did Moses say when he wanted to cross the Red Sea?

Goddammit.

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
<...

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette are trapped on a deserted island 50 miles away from the nearest coast.

The red head decides to swim. She made it 10 miles, then drowned. The brunette also decides to swim. She made it 20 miles then drowned. Finally, the blonde decides to swim. She made it 25 miles, then she got tired and swam back to the island

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

My wife gets really mad at me when I mess with her red wine.

I added some Sprite and oranges, and now she’s sangria than ever.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So he could hide in the cherry tree.

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

I got pulled over for running a blinking red light. I tried to convince the officer; "hey...

I caught it between the blinks."

My sister made 44 cupcakes with an assortment of red, white, and blue frosting for an Independence Day dinner.

"Why 44?" I asked her. "Because that's the number of real presidents this country has actually had?"

(This actually just happened.)

Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing!!!

Roses are red violets are blue

I'm a schizophrenic and so am I

Translated from german: What's red, triangular and flies over the lawn?

A red triangle.

What's black, triangular and flies over the lawn?

...

The shadow of the red triangle.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest...

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a few minutes the man tu...

Running Away from Home - Red Skelton

His little boy Richie is telling his sister Valentina, (in his Mead Widdle Kid voice):

“They don’t love me no more. I took my cookies, put them in a knapsack, tossed it over me shoulder, and started walkin’.”

“After a little while, a police officer asked me what I was doin’, so I told ...

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Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

Hitler wore brown pants

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”

A blonde goes to buy a TV

A blonde goes to buy a TV and asks for the manager at the electronics store

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager responds “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She gets mad and leaves the store. When she gets home she gets an idea. She decides to dye her hair red and th...

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Little red riding hood was walking down a forest path.

As she was walking she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a tree.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!" So the big bad wolf runs away.

Further down the path, she sees the big bad wolf again, crouched behind a bush.

She says, "I see you big bad wolf!"

Again, the big ...

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

My wife told me she was cheating on me with a man named Roy G Biv. I was so angry, I was seeing red

...and orange
and yellow
and green

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

Roses are red, nuts are brown

Skirts go up, pants go down.

Body to body, skin to skin.

When it’s stiff, just stick it in.

It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it’s in, the stronger it gets.

It comes out dripping and It starts to sag.

Nothing to enjoy more on Sundays than a Lipto...

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

What do you call a flamingo at a red light?

A flaminstop.

Roses are red, so is wine

I'll be the 6 you'll be the 9

What’s red and has 7 little dents?

Snow White’s Cherry

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The little red riding hood was walking through the forest going to grandma's house

In the midle of the forest, she saw a big shadow behind a tree, she went to see who's there, only to find the wolf.

She asked: Are you the wolf?

He stared at her and answered darkly: Yes i am..

She screamed so hard and ran away as fast as she can till she got tired. After a whil...

Why was red in awe of orange?

Because orange blue green.

A man was waiting at a red light..

When an alligator and a parrot approach his window. The man rolls down his window to see what they want. The alligator says "excuse me sir we've got reason to believe you've taken hallucinagenics"

Roses are red, Roses are blue

Depending on their velocity relative to you



















Let me know if its already been posted before

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.

[Late]If there's a blue house on the left and the red house is on the right where's the white house?

Idk they turned the lights off

Errors are red

My screen is blue

I think I deleted

System 32

If red wine is the blood of Christ...

I'm never having white wine again.

A man is walking trough the red light district..

He stops at a window with a beautiful girl behind it, takes good look, knocks on the window and yells: 'HOW MUCH!!?'

She: '€50,- !!!'

He: 'THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD PRICE FOR TRIPLE INSULATED GLASS!!!'

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I was watching TV and the announcer said that there was a documentary about the clitoris on the red button...

But I couldn’t find it.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

A blonde, brunette, and a red-head go to heaven

They meet St. Peter at a staircase with 100 stairs

St. Peter says, "To get to the gates, you need to climb the stairs, but on each stair is a joke or a riddle. If you laugh, you have to start over."

The red-head goes first. She gets to the first step and laughs.

The brunette go...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

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Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

Pope visits the Netherlands

Originally a german joke so please forgive me if something wasn't that correct

So the Pope went to visit the Netherlands. Everything went great and on the day of his return, a stretch limo arrived to drive him back. The pope sat down and let the driver do his job. After a while the Pope got ...

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Roses are red, wine is not water

When my cumsock grows mushrooms does that mean I am a father?

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I was watching porn-hub last night, and there was a film on about clitoris stimulation, it then says press red button to view.

Couldn't find it.

"Your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

The Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship: “Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And wi...

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An old man dies and gets to heaven....

At the gates, St. Peter tells him "you did well, but you were unfaithful to your wife on many different occasions."

The man new this was true and said "I'm sorry and I'll accept any consequences given to me."

St. Peter said "for this, you'll be given a smokey old Ford to ride, in heave...

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

What do a hurricane, a tornado and a red neck divorce all have in common?

In every case, someone loses a trailer.

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A Couple Has a Dog That Snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and t...

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

Rudolf the Red

Actual joke I heard on my date yesterday:

So a couple was walking down the streets of Russia, when it began to precipitate.

The man looked at the woman and said, "Its snowing!" And the woman promptly replied, "No dear, it's raining."

They went on arguing back and forth until th...

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

Paddy's bad day at work...

Paddy the irishman is at work, gets a call from his boss in the office.
paddy goes into the office & takes the call, comes out 5 mins later looking very sad & upset.

The boss says: what on earth happened paddy?

Paddy: The hospital in London just rang up & told me my mo...

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

You hear the one about the woman who went on a fishing expedition with three fishermen?

She came back with a Red Snapper!

Why didn’t the Soviet Union work?

Because it had a few red flags.

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

Roses are red, violets don't dance

I'm having a stroke
call a anbulous... ambivalence... weewee wagon pls

Lately, I've seen a post about red flags to look out for when looking for a job

All I can say is dont go looking for a job at chinese government buildings because there's always a red flag

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Nursery Rhymes

When Little Timmy went to school

And mastered one to nine,

He thought the other kids were cool

And every class divine.

He painted shapes in red and blue

And drew in curves and bends-

And by the time the day was through

He'd make a hundred friends!
...

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette stranded on a magic cliff.

This cliff is magical because when you jump off, you can become anything you say.

The three girls want to escape so the brunette jumps off and yells, “paper airplane!” She turns into one and flies away.

The redhead jumps off and says, “Bird!” She becomes a red bird and flies away...

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

Being racist is like saying you don't like red skittles

They may be a different colour but they still taste about the same

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