If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window and said to his wife: "Tomorrow it's going to rain."

His wife asked: "How do you know?"
Rudolph answered: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

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So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM!

It drowned...

Green curry and red curry had a race

It was a Thai.

Why did the frog have red legs?

Because it jumped on lily's pad

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

What's black, white and red all over?

The slowest zebra in a herd

To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

The colors red, white and blue represent freedom...

...except when they are flashing on the car behind!

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roses are red, violets are blue

the amazon's on fucking fire.

Red delicious apples.

At least they got two out of three right.

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I'm so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer.


I told him to shut his commie mouth.

I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

What is yellow and turns red ?

A chick in a blender.

My girlfriend wanted to dye her hair red...

But she spilled it all over the bathroom.

It looks like someone dyed in there.

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A guy told me his truck was red. Dog dick red. I said my dog’s dick isn’t red...

He said I wasn’t rubbing it hard enough.

Whats green and red and goes 50 MPH?

A frog in a blender

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Think about it, never seen an elephant in a cherry tree have you?

A Blonde and a Red Head own a Ranch together...

They have just lost their prized bull. The women need to buy another asap, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go into town and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes into town and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar ...

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

My least favorite color is purple.

I hate it more than red and blue combined.

Did you hear about the communist sniper?

He was an incredible marxman

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

Did you hear? The Washington Redskins have to change their name

the term Washington is too offensive.

I've trained the dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It's a Bordeaux collie

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[NSFW] A woman's first time at a sex toy store

Woman: Hello, where are the women's toys?
Cashier: Over on that wall.
W: Ok, can I get the red one?
C: You can't have the fire extinguisher.

There are bones on the floor and my bed is stained red.

I knew eating bbq ribs was a mistake when I felt a sneeze coming.

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Sunflowers are yellow

I bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

A blue ship and a red ship collide,

All the sailors were marooned!

They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

Ahoy Matey!

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak ...

Did you hear about the red-head who shot up the Keebler elves?

It’s was all chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles until one ginger snap.

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

What has two legs and is red all over

Half of a cat

You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they are embarrassed to show the hose

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What? A miracle?!"

I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Who's red and knows whether you've been good or bad?

The Spanish Inquisition

A huge bouquet of red roses arrives at the office on Friday.

The brunette says excitedly to her blonde friend:

"They're from my boyfriend: you know what this means? I'll be spending this entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

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A priest, a lawyer and a red neck walk into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a fucking joke?"

What’s red, white and black and can’t turn around in a hallway?

A nun with a javelin through her back.

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

Roses are red, Acorns are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

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A man named Joe woke up one day to find that his testicles were all red

He has never experienced anything like this before so he goes to the doctor to get it checked out. While in the waiting room, he sees another guy sitting anxiously.

Joe: “what are you here for?”

Man: “I woke up today and my testicles were all green!”

Joe: “that’s strange, I woke...

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

What's the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

Plastic. Metal. Big red. Ice. Ash. Industrial.

My bucket list.

What do you call a prom in the red light district?

A Shady Hawkins Dance

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

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Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road

... when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away further down the road.

Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. "My what big ears ...

I was riding my red car down the street when I heard a loud bang...

When I got out my rim was cracked and my car was painted yellow. Damn city is riddled with plotholes

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This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head die and end up in heaven

They are greeted by St. Peter outside the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says: ‘To pass you must tell me one truth about yourself. But If you lie, you will be sent to hell.’

The Red head walks up to him and says:
‘I’m the pretties girl in the world’

St. Peters snaps his fingers...

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

I heard China's president, Xi Jinping, is having a little red book made of his quotes like Mao Zedong had.

I hope it will be called "That's What Xi Said"

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One day, John goes to his doctor for a red face

The doctor tells him "Ah, I've seen this a few times before. It must be Red Skull syndrome". John exclaims "Red skull, like the movie!? How do I stop it?. The doctor then replies "To cure Red Skull syndrome, you should spend some time doing American things such as baseball or eating burgers and your...

What do you call a red headed Baker?

A ginger breadman

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