If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

My friend said they should make "Red Dead Redemption Remastered". I said that sounds laughable.

"RDRR"

As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...

She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl c...

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

The color of the upvote is red, that’s why it’s called Reddit

*just a joke no need to get aggressive*

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Roses are red, violets are green..

If you were on acid, you would know what I mean.

Roses are Red, you can set them on a shelf,

Just a friendly reminder, Epstein didn't kill himself .

Why is Mark Zuckerberg‘s face red after talking to a woman?

From the mace

What's red and sounds like a parrot?

A parrot.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs turning red?

Rusty

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What is green, but when you click a button it becomes red?

A frog in a blender

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

What's black, white and red all over?

The slowest zebra in a herd

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

Are you a red stone torch

Because you make my piston turn on

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I sneezed on the anti-vaxxer and gave him the flu.

Update: He died and know they are gonna sue.

Did you hear that Anheuser-Busch has taken over the Red Cross’s public relations?

Their new slogan is “This Blood’s for You.”

One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window and said to his wife: "Tomorrow it's going to rain."

His wife asked: "How do you know?"
Rudolph answered: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

Roses Are Red

Violets are blue.
Today is my cake day.
Can I get an upvote or two?

How did the polish guy break his arm raking leaves.

He fell out of the tree!

What is black & white and red all over?

Lebron James' contract.

Roses aren’t red..

Violets are gray..
Ever since i looked at the at the sun, i have not been having a great day.

What if Erik the Red had been Erik the Green?

Well... that would be a Norse of another colour.

There once was a Roman named Vitus, he developed the first form of haircoloring. It was a sort of paste that changed his blonde hair to red. However, a side effect was incredibly bad breath.

This became known as the first confirmed case of Gingervitis.

Red flags in relationships are always so obvious in hindsight.

I blame the Doppler effect -- when they're coming right at you they look blue.

Why don't they build bridges out of red peppers?

Because they would collapsacum...

My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho....

How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

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So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM!

It drowned...

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Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

What happens when a red-head acquires the Infinity Gauntlet?

A ginger snaps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so patriotic, I piss red white and blue.

My doctor told me it was pancreatic cancer.


I told him to shut his commie mouth.

Why did the frog have red legs?

Because it jumped on lily's pad

Green curry and red curry had a race

It was a Thai.

To whomever broke into my shop and stole three hundred cans of Red Bull:

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

What is yellow and turns red ?

A chick in a blender.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until

they are flashing behind you.

My girlfriend wanted to dye her hair red...

But she spilled it all over the bathroom.

It looks like someone dyed in there.

Red delicious apples.

At least they got two out of three right.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

I asked my sister in law (she's a nurse) why she always carries a red pen with her.

She tells me...
Oh it's in case I have to draw blood.

A Blonde and a Red Head own a Ranch together...

They have just lost their prized bull. The women need to buy another asap, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go into town and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes into town and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar ...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

Roses are red, Violets are blue

Sunflowers are yellow

I bet you were expecting something romantic but no, this us just gardening facts

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

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A guy told me his truck was red. Dog dick red. I said my dog’s dick isn’t red...

He said I wasn’t rubbing it hard enough.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

If you threw a green shoe into the Red sea, what would it become?

Wet.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

There are bones on the floor and my bed is stained red.

I knew eating bbq ribs was a mistake when I felt a sneeze coming.

If women drink a glass of red wine, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If she drinks the whole bottle, she might even give it a little suck.

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

A blue ship and a red ship collide,

All the sailors were marooned!

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

Why is the French flag blue, white, and red?

In case a war starts, they can tear off the sides and surrender.

You hear about the fight at red lobster?

Four fish were battered!

Did you hear about the red-head who shot up the Keebler elves?

It’s was all chocolate chip cookies and snickerdoodles until one ginger snap.

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they are embarrassed to show the hose

Who's red and knows whether you've been good or bad?

The Spanish Inquisition

Roses are red, Acorns are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. W...

What has two legs and is red all over

Half of a cat

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A priest, a lawyer and a red neck walk into a bar.

The bartender says "is this a fucking joke?"

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What do the colors in the German flag stand for?

Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

A huge bouquet of red roses arrives at the office on Friday.

The brunette says excitedly to her blonde friend:

"They're from my boyfriend: you know what this means? I'll be spending this entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

From Dario Argento’s Deep Red: Why do Australian boomerang sellers always go bankrupt?

Because their goods are always returned!

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

What’s black and white and red all over?

A panda that’s been sliced in half.

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

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