Roses are red, reposting is lame,

[this post was removed due to a copyright claim.]

Why do nurses always carry a red pen with them ?

In case they need to draw blood.

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis

There were an awful lot of red flags.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.

Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"

"Get out of here. I'm pooping!"

Roses are red

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

And so are you.

The roses have wilted

The violets are dead

The sugar bowl's empty

And so is your head.

If Hell is red hot, dry and mostly empty,

then how do Australians realize that they're dead?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom.....

Until they are flashing behind you!

If a red bird has red babies and a blue bird has blue babies what type of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

Why is the tomato red?

Because it's angry that it can't ride a bicycle.

What goes green, green, red, green, red, red?

A frog in a blender

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".

What's red, black, white and can't go through doors?

A nun with a spear through her head.

What do you get when you pour Red Bull onto a clock?

A waste of time and energy.

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

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A man meets with his friend and sees that he has red markings on both sides of his face.

He asks his friend, "What happened to your face?"

The friend replies, "I saw a lady on my way here. She had her skirt wedged between her butt so I fixed it for her. Then she slapped me."

The man says, "Okay... What about the other side?"

The friend replies, "I thought she was ma...

Reddit should rename 'karma' to 'creddit', 'share' to 'spreddit' and 'delete' to 'shreddit'. If they do, they won't regreddit.

They probably won't, and i don't geddit.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

After Hunt for Red October came out, my family moved from Moscow to San Francisco, where I became a fan of the 49ers with Steve Young as Quarterback

I would have liked to have seen Montana.

The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

Black tarmac and red tarmac at chatting at a bar

Black tarmac: No one messes with me.

Red tarmac: Yeah? How come?

Black tarmac: I'm black tarmac, I'm the toughest tarmac, tougher than any other

Green tarmac walks in, and black tarmac cowers behind red tarmac as green tarmac orders a drink, drinks it and leaves.

Black ta...

How many children do you need to paint a wall red?

depends on how hard you throw them

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

What’s black and white and red all over?

A bloody newspaper inn’it.

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

Do you know why firetrucks are red?

Firetrucks have 4 wheels and carry 8 people.

4+8=12

There are 12 inches in a ruler

Queen Elizabeth is a ruler

There was a ship named Queen Elizabeth

Ships sail on seas

Seas have fish

Fish have fins

People from Finland are Finns

Finlan...

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue

because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!

My mate loves red wine. She hates it when people mess with it....

I thought I know I'll add some fruit and Lemonade....



But now she’s sangria than ever...

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Why did the monkey paint his balls red?

So he could hide in cherry trees.

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Elephants eating cherries.

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Two red necks go fishing

They row out to the middle of the lake and started to pull out fish after fish. One redneck says “We have to remember this spot! We should paint an X on the bottom of the boat so we know where it is”

“You idiot!” Says the other redneck “It’ll just wash off!”

My homeboy got rear-ended on a motorcycle wearing a bright green shirt, with shiny red hair: It kind of makes sense....

It was hard to miss him

What's red and moves up and down?

A tomato in an elevator

Why did the red neck couple only have two children?

The wife read that every third person born in the world was Chinese.

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, and the other a load of blue paint.

All the passengers were marooned.

I've finally taught my dog to fetch a glass of red wine.

He’s a Bordeaux Collie



And yes, he paws it himself...

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I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

How did Moses split the Red Sea?

With a "sea"saw.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head walk into a bar...

All three are shitty at limbo.

What’s green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?

A frog in a blender.

This joke brought to you by one of my first grade students who loudly shared it at lunch this week.

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

A man was pulled over by a cop. The cop said "your eyes are red, have you been drinking"?

The man said, "No, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

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Overdosed on red clay?..

Overdosed on red clay.

Now I’m shitting bricks.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

I know it’s not mine. Not sure if it’s been posted before.

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There was once a red Indian with one testicle

whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called him th...

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I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and wears red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released

UB40 now.

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

You might be a redneck....

....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

There once was a little red man

Who lived in a little red house. One day the little red man was driving to his little red house in his little red car.

He opened his little red door and went into his little red room, took off his little red clothes and suddenly heard his little red doorbell ring.

So the little red man...

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

AMD is red, Intel is blue,

I choose i7 because Ryzen are few.

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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor....

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief....

I ended things with my communist girlfriend.

Too many red flags.

A man is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and is at the million dollar question.

The question is "which of these birds doesn't build its own nest? a.the cuckoo b. the sparrow c. the eagle or d. the red-tailed hawk. He only has "phone a friend left", so he calls his friend and repeats the question. His friend immediately says it's the cuckoo. The guy asks if he's sure and he says...

The CW's Batwoman wore a red wig as a part of her costume, but that was just a misdirect...

A red "hairring", if you will

What's red and completely invisible?

No tomatoes.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were in their obstetrician's waiting room discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette said she was certain she was going to have a boy, because she was on top when she got pregnant!

The red head said she was certain she was going to have a girl because she was in the missionary position when she got pregnant!

All of a sudden the blonde burst into tears. Bet...

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

One of my favorite jokes

I heard about this senior citizen. He was driving down the freeway in his brand-new Corvette, with the top down, going 80 miles an hour, when he saw flashing red lights from a state trooper in his rearview mirror. Without thinking about it, he floored it, took off to a hundred miles an hour. He hear...

Once upon a time, there was a pirate who never lost a battle...

He was so courageous. His strategy was simple, lead by example, as long as he was at the front of the battle his crew were motivated.

But he had a trick up his sleeve. A new crew member joins this pirate to study him as he is so fascinated by his victories.

First battle comes along, hi...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

Roses are red

Roses are red

People say I’m a prick

But I think you’ll like

My profile pic

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A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a...

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

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The Jews are camped in front of the Red Sea. They see the Egyptian chariots approaching. Moses turns to his PR man.

Moses - "Nu, where are those boats you got us?"

PR Guy - "Boats? You didn't say nothing 'bout no boats."

Moses - "So what do you want I should do? Part the waters and we can all just walk across?"

PR Guy - "If you can swing that, I'll get you your own chapter in the Bible!"

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A mum and son are driving on a highway and out of no where,

A red rubbery dildo comes flying , hits the windshield and goes away, so the mum trying to save the boy's innocence says, 'wow that was a huge bug' , and the boy says "Dang! How does it fly with a cock that big!"

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A pirate walks into a bar...

And takes a seat beside three medical students.

The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.

Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions...

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

I want to give communism a chance

but there's too many red flags

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection . Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach,...

A traffic policeman was patrolling at a signal.

A woman ran a red light, and he pulled her over.

The woman said,“Please let me go! I’m a teacher.”

The policeman laughed and said,” Time for payback.”

He hands her a notebook and a pen tells her,” Write: I’ll never break traffic rules again 100 times.”

What's a huge red flag, but also a big plus, so overall it's neutral?

The Swiss flag

Why do red tsunamis travel so far?

longer wavelength

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

Therapy dog to the rescue

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

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How do you make jerk chicken?

Give him a red hat and an outdated election flag.

In the US, whats the difference between a restaurant in a blue or red state?

In a red state olives matter

John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

Red sky at night: sailor’s delight

Blue sky at night: day

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were ...

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A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair red?

Artificial intelligence.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window

When he said “it’s going to rain”

His wife asked “How do you know?”

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear

A red curry and a green curry had a fight....

There was no winner...it was a Thai.

Blushing

My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her e...

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

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*nsfw* Russian

A large burly Russian man went on a holiday in Thailand. He heard about the extraordinary red light district there, where whoring is rampant. He got himself one hooker and brought her to his hotel room.

There, he began removing his clothes. First, he took off his shirt. The hooker gasps and s...

“Roses are red, violets are red,

if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.”

\-Stalin 1946

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Little Red Riding Hood strolls into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and runs off into the darkness.

Red, confused, shrugs and goes about her stroll.

...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

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The president of the USA is meeting with the president of Russia at Moscow

The USA president sees a red button next to his chair, hr presses it once and a ice water bucket falls on his face, he press it second time and the chair gives him a punch, he presses third time and the chair kicks him out.
Few months later the Russian President comes to Washington, he sees a red...

Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window.

He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."

Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"

Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

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Don't Do It In The Dark

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I applied it to the head

Thought it was lube


Now my hand's stuck to the end

Turns out it was glue

Sorry if I'm leaving you on read

Right arm's down to my nude


For hours I've been on my bed

My folks ...

Red Skelton joke.

There were these two seagulls, Heathcliff and Gertrude, and they was just flying around and enjoying the weather.
Then this jet tears past them with it's afterburners going full blast, quick as a bullet.
Gertrude says to Heathcliff, "Good heavens, did you see that?"
So Heathcliff says, " Bi...

What do Scarlet Witch and Daredevil both have in common?

They both wear red and lost their Vision.

It should be obvious to everyone that communism won't work.

I mean seriously, there were so many red flags.

A man was eating cookies at the park.

While eating his last cookie out of the bunch, he was approached by an old lady. She was putting her hands out, gesturing if she could have his last cookie. The man broke the cookie in two and gave the old lady half of the cookie.

With a single bite, a bright light flashed and the old lady t...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

There was once a world with red and blue bees.

(LONG) (but worth it)

The red and blue bees were more or less polar opposites. So there were establishments for their respective colors.
In this world there is a blue bee, and he had been keeping an eye on this beautiful red bee. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask her out, because he wa...

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