Roses are Red, Reposters are lame,

[This post has been removed due to a copyright claim.]

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

If you were 8 years old when "Red, Red Wine" was released

UB40 now.

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Red Indian with one testicle

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years & years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'<...

In the US, whats the difference between a restaurant in a blue or red state?

In a red state olives matter

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

What's blue and smells like red paint?







blue paint.

“Roses are red, violets are red,

if you aren’t red, you get shot in the head.”

\-Stalin 1946

Roses are red

Roses are red

People say I’m a prick

But I think you’ll like

My profile pic

How do you find out how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is??

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!!

Why do red tsunamis travel so far?

longer wavelength

A man in a taxi is shocked with the cabbie runs right through a red light...

He shouts "Hey, are you crazy? You just ran that light!"

The cabbie says, "Don't worry. My brother is a cabbie too and he does it all the time."

A few seconds later he runs another red light. The passenger is still nervous but decides that the cabbie knows what he is doing.

The...

[NSFW] What is black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, red?

A penguin rolling down a staircase.

Why was Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer getting a divorce?

Because every time his wife went out, she'd end up blowing 50 bucks

A red curry and a green curry had a fight....

There was no winner...it was a Thai.

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

Roses are red, Cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.

Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"

"Get out of here. I'm pooping!"

Why was the red blood cell banned from church today?

Because he said God's name in vein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood walks into a dark forest.

Little Red Riding Hood walks into a dark forest, delivering her goodies as usual.

“La la la la la, la la la la la,” she caroled.

All of the sudden she encounters a vicious wolf that appears to be behind a tree. She becomes fearful for her life, but the wolf notices her presence and run...

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?

It's a little gnome fact.

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?

No, seriously. This thing is scaring the hell out me.

Erik the Red wanted people to come and live in his new found ice covered land

so he named it Greenland.

Why does the nurse carry a red pen when she's at work?

In case she needs to draw blood

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

Just as I thought all the trick or treaters were gone for the night, a 12 year old boy came to my door dressed in all red....

Instead of saying trick or treat he told me “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are running from the police, and so they head into a farmer’s barn down the street

They open the doors and all hop into potato sacks, and wait.

The Police come in, to see the sacks laying on the ground. The Police officer kicks the first bag, and the redhead goes “MEOW MEOW” “Hm. Must be a cat”. He goes to the second sack and kicks it and the brunette goes “Woof Woof” “Hm....

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

A redditor is defusing a bomb.

EDIT: I didn't expect this to blow up!

What burns longer, a red or a blue candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

It's funny how the colors Red, White, and Blue represent freedom.

Until they're flashing behind your car

What do you call a red-head playing the piano by themselves in worn out shoes?

A soulless sole-less soloist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wesley gets in trouble at school for being caught in the red light district

Wesley arrives a half-hour late at school When the teacher asks where Wesley was, he says:
“With the prostitutes in the Red Light District.”


The teacher gets angry and tells Wesley to go to the principal. Wesley tells the principal why he was sent out. The principal has heard enoug...

I went trick or treating in the red light district.

All I got was tricks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys 10 red panties for his wife

A man buys 10 red panties for his wife and when he showed her, she was pissed


she protested:"Why are they all the same color?people will think I dont change my panties!"


The husband replied:"Which people?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy goes to the red light district

And waits for the first guy to come out. He runs to the guy and says, give me €25 or I will tell everyone you visit prostitutes. The guy immediately hands over the money to the boy.

The boy runs home and proudly tells his father what he did. But the father says, it's a sin to blackmail others...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

“YouTube Red” is a mouthful of a name.

Why not just call it “RedTube”?

there are no red states or blue states in america.

they're all like mitch mcconnell's hands

some shade of purple.

Why are firetrucks red?

Why are firetrucks red?
Well because firetrucks have six wheels, six is half a dozen. Usually when someone is using half a dozen and a dozen, they are referring to eggs. Eggs come from chickens, a male chicken is a rooster, roosters are often on steeples, steeples are are tall, like a mast on a ...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

What do you call a sniper in the red army?

A Marxman

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

She's an animal in bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

A blonde brunette and a red head get stuck on an island 4 miles away from shore

They decided that the only way back is through swimming. The red head gets half a mile and gets tired and turns back. The brunette gets one and a half miles gets tired and turns back. The blonde she gets three and a half miles and gets tired so she turn back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

Roses are red, sugar is sweet,

A huge controversy starts
just with a tweet

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

What is it. Red, round and you can't see it.

Tomato in another country.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tale of the little red man.

One upon a time there was a little red man who lived in a little red house , on a little red street , in a little red city.

One little red morning the little red man awoke from his little red slumber , left his little red bed and went to take a little red shower - meanwhile outside the little...

We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags....

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear walks in to a bar in Butte, Montana orders a red beer...

Bartend says "sorry buddy, we don't serve red beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
Bears says " that a fact"
"Yup" the bartender replies.
Now the bear gets angry, Yelling, stomping and causing a ruckus.
There's a old bar fly causing an equal ruckus, at the other end of the bar, ...

What's black and white and red all over?

* Classic answer: A newspaper.
* Children's answer: A zebra with a suntan.
* Holiday answer: Santa at the bottom of the chimney.
* Religious answer: An priest realizing that he really is wearing a dress.
* Appalling answer: An interracial couple in an automobile accident.

Roses are red

I forgot how to write poems

(among us reference) you know what your dad and red had in common.

both of them escaped through the vents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob goes into a public restroom...

...and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob say...

I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND."

"How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .

I accidentally ate some red dye today.

Doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

What’s black, white, and red all over?

The American Civil War

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You guys keep getting this joke wrong. "What is red and bad for your teeth?"

A brick...

Now shut the fuck up.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says “I think it’s raining.” “No, it is definitely snowing.” Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says “let’s not bicker, let’s ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

Whats red and feels rock hard?

A brick
(Ba dum tsss)

I once dated a girl and she threw up a bunch of red flags.

It turned out that she was an avid communist.

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

What does red paint smell like?

Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

What has two legs, and goes black,white,black,white,black,white,black,white,black,white,black,white then red?

Half a Zebra

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

What’s the difference between red heads and red bricks

Red bricks get laid

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York...

On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’. ‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said. In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is ...

Two red blood cells are talking to two platelets...

One red blood cell says "I heard you two finally tied the clot!"

The other says "Coagulations!"

Why did Trump lose?

Too many red flags.

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a ...

When I looked at my alphabet soup, I thought I was in the red light district.

Turns out I just saw a broth L

Why are there two "d"s in reddit?

The second one's a repost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.

But I caught her red handed!

Reddit changed their logo and removed the red.

Now its blackdit

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid trying to catch an STD

The police pick up a young kid at 2 am, in the red light district and ask him what he's doing

"Looking for a prostitute" "Why do you want to find a prostitute?" "So I can catch an STD!" "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, if I can catch something, I'll sleep with my nanny and she'l...

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.