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Simulate Jokes

Husband: Do you really enjoy making love, or do you just simulate ?

Wife: I do enjoy it, really. Why ?

Husband: Next time you enjoy it I want you to let me know, Ok ?

Wife: I can't. You asked me to never call you when you're in the office.

And the Oscar Award for best special effects (Which is related to stuff that simulates things that are fictional/do not exist) goes to...

An honest politician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

A behavioral scientist confronts her lab's receptionist:

'For the last time, I'm analyzing simulated populations. Not "playing with my imaginary friends"!'

(Shamelessly plagiarized from New Scientist)

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

A man is eating at a restaurant.

A man is eating at a quiet restaurant. In his moment of joy from incredibly tasty food he rips out a huge fart. Really embarrassed, he starts dragging a chair next to him back and forth to simulate a fart noise.

A gentleman eating at the neighboring table says to him:

"It makes a total...

Steve Irwin busts through the door and puts me into a headlock.

"This little bugga simulates reproduction up to 5 times a day, almost exclusively without a mate!"

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII fighter pilot speaks to the class...

When I was in sixth grade, on Veterans’ Day, they had an old RAF fighter pilot from WWII come in to speak to the class. He was a sweet little old man with white hair and it was hard to imagine him flying a fighter plane and shooting down enemy aircraft. But when he started to tell his stories his ey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer threw a party for all of his friends.

During the party, someone realized that the big lottery drawing was that night. Since they were low on beer, they decided to all come up with their lottery numbers and buy their tickets during the beer run.

The programmer created an interactive program, complete with simulated announcer readi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

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