Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A guy applies for a job at a circus

Manager:"What are your talents?"
Guy:"I can imitate a crow really well!!"
Manager:"Sorry i don't think you can be of use to us"
Guy:"Shit, i was sure i would get the job, well ok then, bye" proceedes to turn around and fly away

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two construction workers were on a construction site

One of them is working on the ground before the building and the other one is up in the highest floor.
The one on the ground yells at the upper one that he needs the saw which the upper worker is using.
But the upper worker tells him in sign language that he canโ€˜t hear him down there.
So th...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Hitler and his crew were walking down the village looking for people to capture and decided to take a break near the well where 3 remaining people happened to be hiding

Being afraid of getting captured, they came up with the idea to imitate an echo of whatever hitler may shout. And so he began:

- where are these people?

- where are these people, these people, people...

- maybe they went to the forest?

- maybe they went to the forest, to ...

A Family Dies in a Car Crash

The only survivor is their pet monkey. The police comes to find out what happened and as it was a dry, sunny day with no hindrances to explain the crash, they begin to interrogate the monkey.

"So, what was the boy in the back doing?" and the monkey imitates punching. "Okay, so he was hitting ...

A man comes home drunk late at night.

He hears his cuckoo clock strike four a.m.

Vaguely remembering he promised his wife to be home before midnight, his mind races to come up with a plan: He imitates the clock's call some more times, and his wife will be none the wiser. When he finally goes to bed, his wife doesn't say a word; n...

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police one day. When suddenly, they happened upon a barn. They ran inside to escape the boys in blue and barred the door on their way in. All that was in the barn was a few cows, a couple of pigs, and a pile of potatoes. They could hear the sir...

Now that robots move

their limbs smoothly and with grace, i wonder how we're supposed to imitate them on the dance floor?

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Fake penis [NSFW]

Two guys walk into a restaurant, they order a lot to eat but at the end they decided not to pay. One of them has a plan, he says: "I have dildo with me, lets imitate a blowjob, get on your knees and i will hold this dildo, when the waiter sees us, he'll call the manager and they will beat us up and ...

A man heard a talk show was looking for people with unusual talents

When he showed up to audition for the segment the talk show host asked him what talent he was going to perform. The man explained "I imitate birds." The talk show host laughed, waving him away saying "thousands of people can imitate birds. We want something nobody has ever seen before." The man shru...

Job interview for a circus

A man is having a job interview for a circus. The interviewer asks: "What's your ability?"

"I can imitate birds"

"Look, I'm sorry but this is not the kind of things we are looking for"

The guy answers: "Fine, fine, thanks anyway", then he opens the window and flies away.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Requires a little visualization, "The Penguin"

Buddy needs a lay but only has $10 to his name, finds a seedy women in a seedy bar.

So he asks her "what can I get for $10 bucks"

"The Penguin" She replies. Desperate he's quick to agree and they find their way into an alley.

She pulls her skirt up and stands with her legs shoul...

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