UPJOKE
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Sham Jokes

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody...

added an e.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring

The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was ...

If you ate a ShamWow what would come out?

Shampoo

What do Irish people call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator?

A Sham-Rock

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I want to create an app called ShamWow...

I want to create an app called ShamWow, it tells you if certain online products are a Sham or a Wow that's a deal.

I went to the restroom to relieve myself but nothing came out...

It was a shampoo...

(I know where the door is)

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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What do you call a fake turd?

sham poo

Happy St Patrick’s Day! If you can’t kiss the Blarney Stone for luck just use a fake stone…

Any “sham rock” will do.

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What do you call crap that cleans?

Shampoo

“No more shampoo!”

We want the real poo!

Trump Advisor: "You should't have called Putin to congratulate him on winning a sham election...."

Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"

Why do leprechauns not like fools gold?

Because it's a sham rock

What do you call The Rock's Irish Doppleganger???

A ShamRock

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley...

... proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemen...

I washed my hair with poo tonight.

I've been using shampoo for years, just think how good it will look with the real thing.

The other day I thought I found a real velvet pillowcase...

...but it turned out it was just a sham.

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Where do people keep their shampoo?

In their shambutt.

What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet.

A sham poo.

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

Christmas Joke

We were all having sparkling wine on Christmas day when my friend said it had given him a headache so he was going to leave. Turns out he was fine and had just wanted to leave early. It was a sham pain.

I’m so disappointed.

I found out my pillow case is nothing but a sham.

What's the difference between Prosecco and a fake injury?

One's sham-pain and the other's a sparkling Italian white wine

I used to be a shampoo addict...

But i'm clean now.

I always wanted to visit Ireland one day

So I took a vacation there. I did all the stereotypical tourist things like drank in the pubs, saw the beautiful natural wonders, watched a game of football, visited the Blarney Stone, and so on.

Before I left, I figured I would buy a nice souvenir. And what better to take home from the Eme...

Give shampoo to your real friends.

And real poo to your sham friends.



(Repost, because it turns out, you can mess things up even before 2AM)

I thought the fixture was perfectly level,

but the wedge beneath proved to be a Sham!

What do you get when you cross Vince Offer and Dwayne Johnson?

A ShamRock

One time some guy on the street tried to sell me a magical pillow case.

Turns out it was just a sham.

Did you hear that Goop's new line of hair care products made from guano turned out to be fake?

It was *sham*poo.

A sketchy dude was trying to sell me an elaborate pillowcase.

Turns out it was a sham.

As a vintner was moving a cask of sparkling wine,

he rolled his foot and injured his ankle. The pain was severe, so he decided to visit his orthopedist. The doctor examined his foot and ankle, took x-rays, and ran MRI scans.

"Sir, I can't find anything wrong with you. You can move your foot and ankle normally, and there's nothing showing up ...

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

What do you get when a hairstylist lies about what they've eaten?

Sham-poo.

Did to hear about the guy who pretended to wash his hair with excrement?

It was actually sham-poo.

*thunderous applause*

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Sometimes I tell everyone I'm going for a shit, then sneak off and wash my hair instead.

I have a sham-poo

I told my wife I can’t find the matching decorative pillow case...

She said it’s a sham.

I just bought this hair product that uses bat guano.

It's supposed to get rid of dandruff, but it didn't work!

Turns out it's just sham poo.

Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers

Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

What do you call a counterfeit cow?

Sham moo.

What do you call it when an Irish band is caught lip syncing?

Sham rock.

Why can't you ever trust pillowcase salesmen?

Because it might be a *sham*

What is a soccer player's favorite drink?

Sham-pain.

I met a disgruntled farmer in the pub today

“You look disgruntled,” I said. “What’s the story?”

“I ordered a couple of tons of manure,” he replied gloomily. “It arrived today.”

“Is that bad?”

“Well, you see, it was fake.”

“Fake?”

“Yes, fake manure.”

“I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

“Well,...

A professional golfer was...

angry when a man claimed his gorilla played better golf than the pro did. Betting $10,000 to prove it, the pro teed up on a par five and hit a beautiful shot down the centre of the green.

The man pulled his gorilla out of a cage and handed him a club. Pointing to the where the hole was, he ...

My friend said he recreated the Wow! Signal, but it was fake.

It was a Sham Wow!

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Woodcutting contest

Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.


The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you...

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

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