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NSFW. How do tell the difference between a porn star and a statistician?

Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

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I admire people who analyze stool samples

They really know their shit.

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench...

Two medicine students were sitting on a bench when they saw an old man walking along the road.

The man seemed to have some sort of disability because he had his legs unusually close together and when we walked he dragged one foot along the road.

The medicine students, taught to come t...

A study of different American’s choice of sport

Now this is profound:

It is very interesting looking over data of different socioeconomic groups in America and the different types of recreation they partake in, and what it means about them as a group.

Poor people tend to play basketball.

Working Class tend to play football<...

Once there was a small town

Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the f...

One snowy day, Donald Trump is leaving the White House.

He notices that in a nearby snowbank, someone has urinated a message into the snow: "DIE DONALD!" He grabs his head of security and says, "I demand to know who's responsible for this! Get the Secret Service on it immediately!"

A week later, the security chief enters the Oval Office. "Sir,"...

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. T...

Scientists have figured out the most common key that old pirate shanties were sang in

They found and analyzed lots of sheet music that’s inspired by old shanties/ music written by former sailors. It was found that over 90% were written in the same way, all the research showed that almost all pirate shanties were sang in a high C

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

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A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in th...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

The breathalyzer test

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed was how hot the driver was - blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drive...

Norwegian Robot

If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it… Scandinavian

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

A few years ago, in the Boston area,

A large number of crows were found dead on the sides of the road. Ornithologists, were afraid of a new strain of Avian Flu, so they collected a few bodies to perform autopsies on. They ended up finding paint chips on every single one of the birds, so they analyzed them, and found that they were fro...

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Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS...

The Carpool Joke

Three men decide to carpool together to work. For the first couple of days it seems great: they’re saving gas, they’re making good time, it all seems to be going perfect.

Then one night while they’re on their way home they pass through a tunnel. The three men begin to feel strange and then al...

Why did the climate scientist cross the road?

To analyze the chicken´s carbon footprint.

The Blacksmith and the Iron Ore

A miner extracts a big chunk of iron ore and decides to use it for his own gain. He takes the ore to the blacksmith.


The blacksmith inspects the ore and states
"Well, they's a lot of iron in this chunk. I'll be able to extract enough iron to make you a **greatsword**! Come back tomor...

Employee placement 101

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

b. If they are recounting...

Three men are out golfing...

As they are waiting for their tee time, a young, very attractive woman approaches them.

"Do you mind if I join you three for a round of golf?"

"Absolutely!" the three men reply.

By the 18th hole, the woman has been doing very well, but needs to sink a 30 foot putt in order to ...

A musician goes to the doctor

The doctor is doing some tests, and after reading the results, he approaches the musician sadly and says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news"

The musician asks: "whats wrong?"

"Well, we've analyzed your test results, and I'm afraid you only have 2 months to live"

The musician asks...

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