I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD...

It was here a minute ago...

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

What do you do with a broken DVD?

You DISC-ard it.

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

When I was 15 my friend gave me an “Adult” DVD that he stole from his stepdad. I’m in my late 20’s now and still watch it regularly...

I’m hoping to finish it someday.

There was one time a guy from East Africa sold me some illegally copied DVDs

He was a Somali pirate

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

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Poor Nimbad.

Has to travel 6 miles every day for fresh

water on a bike with no wheels and no seat.

Send us just £2 a month,

and we will send you the DVD. It's fucking hilarious.

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I fucked a DVD

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill.

Both boxed.

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Back in 2009, I got my dick stuck in a DVD player playing a Disney Pixar movie.

Turns out I really fucked up.

Apparently rick Astley is really stingy with his Disney DVD collection.

Yeah he’ll share toy story, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' DVD

It was here a minute ago



Edit : Fixed the spelling

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection

He had a series of Different Strokes

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?

They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.

Mario and Luigi walk into a DVD shop.

Mario holds up a movie.

“Is-a that the exorcist?” Luigi asked.

“This is It, Luigi.” Mario replied.

I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"

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I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

In a parallel universe, Neville Longbottom works at a DVD rental store...

One day, his friend Rick comes to the store, looking a little sad.

Rick: Hey Nev.

Nev: Hey, Rick. Why the sad face?

Rick: I'm going through a tough time right now. Do you have anything that can make me cry?

Nev: How about the *Titanic*?

Rick: Nah. How about a anima...

I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

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For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back

Luckily I was the one facing the TV

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment.

When I opened it, the box was empty.

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.

This year I'm going Black Friday shopping.

A guy is buying some game DVDs, some magazines and a six pack.

Cashier : "You must be single."

Guy: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

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One day a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found some BDSM porn DVDs

Needless to say she was very upset. She took it all and waited until his father came home and showed it all to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. 

She finally asked him, " What should we do about this?" 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you sh...

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What's the difference between a DVD player and a cow's anus?

If you answered 'I don't know,' I'm certainly not letting you borrow any of **my** DVDs in the future!

I told my friend about how I caught a huge snake. He asked me how big it was and I said, have you seen the movie anaconda?

It was about the size of the Anaconda’s DVD box.

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

Why rivers are never viewed on dvd or video cassette?

Because they are always streaming.

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

How do scratched dvds get around?

They skip

[First Date] Her: So what do you do for a hobby?

Him: I collect complete season DVDs of 90s sitcoms.

Her: Do you have Friends?

Him: No.

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Someone showed me a porn movie with 2 dudes and one girl and said that it's called threesome

I said it's a DVD

DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence,

DVD Rip.

Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

Just got scammed out of $25...

I bought a Tiger Woods DVD called "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.
<...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

I bought a dvd of tiger woods best 18 holes...

I was pretty upset it was all golfing.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

Rick Astley: What do you want for your birthday? ...

Wife: Pixar's “Up” on DVD.
Rick Astley: No.

People keep telling me I don’t have Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

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Last night I got drunk and threw up in the garbage. My wife is pissed.

Mostly because she's the one the kids are complaining to that they can't find their favorite Pixar DVD.

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A dad buys a robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it when his son comes back from school.

He asks "Son, where were you today?", so he says "at school". He gets a slap.

A little confused, he tells his dad that they were watching DVDs. The dad asks "What kind of DVD?"

The son says Toy Story. The robot slaps him...

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.

I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I’m going ...

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their la...

Good Friend!

My friends been unwell, took some DVD's, and some ready meals....fingers crossed he's too ill to notice they've gone!!!

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

I saw the most interesting thing yesterday..

I was walking outside and I saw 2 rats eating a DVD for whatever reason. I stopped and started to watch closely when suddenly one of the rats stops, looks at the other and says “You know Steve, I enjoyed the book more.”

I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5

It was a pi rated DVD

I've got all of Justin Biebers CDs......

...and if I can get passed his home security again I'll have all his dvds as well.

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

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Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein sat just watching T.V

Harvey asks "hey Kev, you wanna rent a DVD tonight?"

Kevin thinks for a minute "Yeah" he says "let's get aladdin!"

"calm down Kev ain't you in a enough shit already?" replies Harvey.

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

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