This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I fucked a DVD.

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

For Sale : George Foreman Grill and Muhammad Ali dvds...

Both Boxed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a ton of old porn DVDs in my basement that must have been there for years.

As I looked through them, all I kept thinking to myself was, “Damn, some of these girls are teenagers now.”

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

I got my weiner stuck in the DVD hole of that Pixar movie with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"

Last night my girlfriend and I watched 3 DVDs back to back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.

I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.

It's Tangled and Frozen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One advantage to buying porn on DVD...

The gag reel.

Rick Astley has an extensive Pixar and Disney dvd/blu ray collection and he'll lend you any of the them...

Except up, he's never going to give you up.

I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd.

It was here a minute ago

The disc drive on my DVD player is busted. I guess you could say it has...

Ejectile disfunction.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

A man was arrested for stealing yoga dvds

He's now doing a long stretch

I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment.

When I opened it, the box was empty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.

This year I'm going Black Friday shopping.

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.

I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

How do scratched dvds get around?

They skip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found some BDSM porn DVDs

Needless to say she was very upset. She took it all and waited until his father came home and showed it all to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. 

She finally asked him, " What should we do about this?" 

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you sh...

Why rivers are never viewed on dvd or video cassette?

Because they are always streaming.

DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence,

DVD Rip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a DVD player and a cow's anus?

If you answered 'I don't know,' I'm certainly not letting you borrow any of **my** DVDs in the future!

A guy is buying some game DVDs, some magazines and a six pack.

Cashier : "You must be single."

Guy: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

Rick Astley: What do you want for your birthday? ...

Wife: Pixar's “Up” on DVD.
Rick Astley: No.

Good Friend!

My friends been unwell, took some DVD's, and some ready meals....fingers crossed he's too ill to notice they've gone!!!

I've got all of Justin Biebers CDs......

...and if I can get passed his home security again I'll have all his dvds as well.

My Wife Is Missing

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not comehome!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

People say I don't have friends

They're wrong.
I have 10 seasons on DVD

I was told to start at the bottom and make my way to the top.

This "How To Use A Ladder" DVD likes to state the obvious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father brings home a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie

and thought dinner would be a great time to test it out.

"So son, where were you doing school today?"

"At School, Dad."

The robot slaps the kid.

"Okay fine, I was watching a DVD at Bill's."

"What movie?"

"The Amazing Hulk."

The robot slaps the kid....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a lie detector robot....

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people that lie
Dad: son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: at school.
The robot slaps the son.
Son: ok! I watched a DVD at my friends house.
Dad: which one?
Son: Kung fu panda
The robot slaps the son again
Son: Ok! It ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me.

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm goi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5

It was a pi rated DVD

Epic Chinese Movie Translation

While on vacation and downloading a DVD copy of War of the Worlds (2005) I laugh so hard from the English subtitle of what I downloaded and it turns out that it was a Pirated copy of the War of the Worlds.

Ray: It's OK...
(Subtitle: Do not fine, you is just fine.)

Rachel: Is Robby...

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their la...

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about ...

A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.

Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"

Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"

The owner reassu...

Important things in Life.

I had a power cut at my house this morning.

My PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, Ipad and new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn’t go for a walk, bike, or run. The garage door opener nee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a small 2$ to spare?

Do you have a small 2$ to spare? Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunatel...

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's faster than a black man with your TV?

His son with your DVD player!

I mean no racism in this joke*

A man watches TV

Α man watches TV and start shouting :

Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO

His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?

And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD

Life support issues

Last night I was in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the co...

I walked up to a group of girls.

I said, "Would you like to see a magic trick?"

"Yes," they smiled eagerly.

Then I handed them a David Blaine DVD and walked off.

So I was on my way to the ATM machine and I realized I had forgotten my PIN number...

I panicked, but then I realized that it's not worth worrying about. Life is too short. We could get hit by an ICBM missile tomorrow or find out that I've tested positive for the HIV virus. So instead I got some KFC chicken, listened to some NPR radio on the way home, then read some DC comics.
...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick

So a business man has finally come home from his most recent trip. This is the 50th trip this year and his wife is getting really annoyed. This particular time she is really chewing him out saying she doesn't get laid enough and she has finally decided to divorce him and take half his things. The bu...

So there's this boy who loves tractors

He lived on a farm, and watched the tractors drive by all day. He subscribed to tractor magazines, collected tractor figurines, had loads of tractor posters on his wall and even had some DVDs of tractor documentaries. He lived his whole childhood loving tractors.
On his 17th birthday, his dad sa...

Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

What time does a duck wake up in the morning?
-At the quack of dawn!!!

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink. then tells the bartender:
-just put it on my bill!!!!

What's a duck's favorite snack?
-Cheese and quackers!!!

What did the duck say after hearing one of my...

While watching Hangover 2 the other day, I say to my friend, "I wonder where they're going in the third one?"

"Straight to DVD."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.