UPJOKE
philipsvhssonymoviexboxvcrdvd-videodvd-rdvd playerblu-raytvcdcdsdvd-rwdisc

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Bought a new Porno DVD!!

Popped it in the DVD player and sat back to watch.. After a few minutes was not happy. It was some fat guy sitting on a couch with a stupid look on his face just holding his c**k. Then I realized....I forgot to turn the TV on!

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

I can't find my "Gone in 60 seconds" DVD...

It was here a minute ago...

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

A buddy of mine asked me to borrow my DVD box set of one of HBO's best shows...

...he came over and The Wire transfer was successful.

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office, and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and this conversation ensued: "Have you any grounds?" Yes, an ...

Flux Capacitor

Part of me feels really bad about this. I mean he's only a kid. He's really too young to understand what I did to him. But do it to him I did. I 121G’d the lad.

I went into an O’Reilly’s store last week to pick up some wiper blades. I had this young kid helping me. He made a comment about how...

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I fucked a DVD

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

For sale. Muhammed Ali DVD set. George Foreman Grill.

Both boxed.

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Back in 2009, I got my dick stuck in a DVD player playing a Disney Pixar movie.

Turns out I really fucked up.

Apparently rick Astley is really stingy with his Disney DVD collection.

Yeah he’ll share toy story, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

Mario and Luigi walk into a DVD shop.

Mario holds up a movie.

“Is-a that the exorcist?” Luigi asked.

“This is It, Luigi.” Mario replied.

Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.

Two rats sit in a dustbin and eat a DVD.
Suddenly, one says:
- You know Stefan, the book was better. (͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

I was phoned by Rick Astley, who asked me to borrow some Pixar DVD's...

I said "Fair enough You can have 'Toy Story', 'A Bug's Life' and 'Finding Nemo' but I'm never gonna give you 'Up'".

I once tried shoplifting a James Bond dvd...

...but a security guard scared the living daylights out of me.

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection

He had a series of Different Strokes

Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?

They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.

I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

Astley paradox

If you ask Rick Astley for a DVD of the movie Up, he won't give it to you because he's never gonna give you Up. However, by not giving you Up like you asked for, he's letting you down.

I bought a DVD on dealing with disappointment.

When I opened it, the box was empty.

You known you're stoned when you try to put a poppadom in the DVD player.

Your know you're really stoned when a Bollywood movie starts playing.

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

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This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

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What's the difference between a DVD player and a cow's anus?

If you answered 'I don't know,' I'm certainly not letting you borrow any of **my** DVDs in the future!

Last year I bought an instructional boxing DVD on Cyber Monday.

This year I'm going Black Friday shopping.

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

Why rivers are never viewed on dvd or video cassette?

Because they are always streaming.

idk what to put the title as

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.........

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school

*The robot slaps the son*

Son: OK! I was at my friend’s house watching a DVD

Dad: W...

Two blondes are at an CD store. One is buying a DVD.

Blonde 1: Oh, what's that DVD about?
Blonde 2: It's how to repair household items!
Blonde 1: What do you need to repair?
Blonde 2: My DVD player

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Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life.

I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think i...

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Poor Nimbad.

Has to travel 6 miles every day for fresh

water on a bike with no wheels and no seat.

Send us just £2 a month,

and we will send you the DVD. It's fucking hilarious.

I bought a dvd of tiger woods best 18 holes...

I was pretty upset it was all golfing.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

I told my friend about how I caught a huge snake. He asked me how big it was and I said, have you seen the movie anaconda?

It was about the size of the Anaconda’s DVD box.

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

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Someone showed me a porn movie with 2 dudes and one girl and said that it's called threesome

I said it's a DVD

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.

I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

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A dad buys a robot that slaps people when they lie...

He decides to test it when his son comes back from school.

He asks "Son, where were you today?", so he says "at school". He gets a slap.

A little confused, he tells his dad that they were watching DVDs. The dad asks "What kind of DVD?"

The son says Toy Story. The robot slaps him...

Rick Astley: What do you want for your birthday? ...

Wife: Pixar's “Up” on DVD.
Rick Astley: No.

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Last night I got drunk and threw up in the garbage. My wife is pissed.

Mostly because she's the one the kids are complaining to that they can't find their favorite Pixar DVD.

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.

They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.

They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".

Their la...

People keep telling me I don’t have Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

My girlfriend is very short and she gets fed up of me making fun of her height.

So tonight I’m going to make it up to her.

I’ve got a good bottle of wine and a DVD box set of her favorite TV show.

When she gets in from work I’m going to order her favorite takeaway which we’ll sit and eat while we drink the wine and watch the DVDs.

Then afterwards I’m going ...

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

What runs faster than a burglar with a TV?

His cousin with the DVD

I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5

It was a pi rated DVD

Good Friend!

My friends been unwell, took some DVD's, and some ready meals....fingers crossed he's too ill to notice they've gone!!!

I saw the most interesting thing yesterday..

I was walking outside and I saw 2 rats eating a DVD for whatever reason. I stopped and started to watch closely when suddenly one of the rats stops, looks at the other and says “You know Steve, I enjoyed the book more.”

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A young father is expecting his second daughter.

His first daughter is excited by the prospect of having a baby sister. The father decides to explain the birthing process to her and purchases a DVD to help with visuals. At the point of delivery the daughter is shocked.

"Daddy! The baby isn't coming out of the mommy's bellybutton!"

"T...

A man watches TV

Α man watches TV and start shouting :

Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO

His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?

And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD

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Do you have a small 2$ to spare?

Do you have a small 2$ to spare? Tariq is a 10 year old Pakistani from Pakistan who lives in a tiny village and has to walk 7 miles everyday to bring water for his family. Tariq only has one arm and can barely walk because his legs are uneven, so he has to do the long commute on a bike. Unfortunatel...

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

Epic Chinese Movie Translation

While on vacation and downloading a DVD copy of War of the Worlds (2005) I laugh so hard from the English subtitle of what I downloaded and it turns out that it was a Pirated copy of the War of the Worlds.

Ray: It's OK...
(Subtitle: Do not fine, you is just fine.)

Rachel: Is Robby...

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Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein sat just watching T.V

Harvey asks "hey Kev, you wanna rent a DVD tonight?"

Kevin thinks for a minute "Yeah" he says "let's get aladdin!"

"calm down Kev ain't you in a enough shit already?" replies Harvey.

I was told to start at the bottom and make my way to the top.

This "How To Use A Ladder" DVD likes to state the obvious.

A guy spots a nice TV in a yard sale and stops by to take a closer look..

He doesn't see a price tag. "That's a nice TV!! How much are you asking for it?" he asks.

Owner replies, "Yes, this is an excellent television and it is all yours for just $1!"

Confused, the guy inquires, "One dollar?! Does it even work? What is wrong with it?"

The owner reassu...

We had a outage at my place this morning...

We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop,
TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coff...

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A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence,

DVD Rip.

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

I walked up to a group of girls.

I said, "Would you like to see a magic trick?"

"Yes," they smiled eagerly.

Then I handed them a David Blaine DVD and walked off.

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

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