There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

My local fish market was selling e-cigarettes

and isopods

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now.

The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.

Why did the Vampire go to the store for milk and cigarettes

He didn’t wanna be around the son anymore

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

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What does eating pussy and smoking cigarettes have in common?

They both taste differently when you get to the butt.

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

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Two men go on a long expedition into the mountains

Both of them happen to be smokers and while one was prepared and brought extra cartons, the other guy had only brought just one. Not long into their journey the second guy has ran out and starts pestering the first guy for a pack of cigarettes, but the first guy isn't budging, he brought just enough...

What happened when the Energizer bunny's dad went out for cigarettes?

He just kept going and going and going.

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I only smoke cigarettes after having sex.

I don’t smoke.

I hate when people leave cigarettes in urinals

It makes them hard to light

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied

I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

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As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray. From smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.

I guess you could say she was Nun The Wiser

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

My doctor said that cigarettes are bad for kids

I guess next time I should just use an ashtray.

What do women and cigarettes have in common

You spend a lot of money on them just so they can slowly kill you over time

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Teacher decides to illustrate how damaging cigarettes and alcohol are

by doing a demonstration in class. First he puts a live worm in alcohol and worm, after squirming a lot, dies as expected. Then he places another live worm into a jar, blows some cigarette smoke inside before closing it. As expected, worm dies after a few minutes. With demonstration finished, he ask...

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A girl comes home late in the evening...

A girl comes home late in the evening and still thinks how terribly she wants to smoke, but she has no cigarettes. Already near the house, she comes to the conclusion that she has to smoke. She sees three bums sitting on a nearby bench. She comes up to them and asks if they would give her a cigarett...

Why did the man name his no legged dog "Cigarettes?"

Because he liked to take him out for long drags.

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

I was 7 years sober, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no betting, and then...

...I started primary school.

A man went to buy cigarettes

He asked for a pack and the store manager gave it to him.
The man took the pack and noticed it had a health warning which said “Smoking causes impotence” he then looked at the self where the rest of the packs were and asked the store manager “can I please change it for the cancer one?”.

As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack.

I burned them.

A man came home from work one day.

His wife greeted him "Hello darling, how was your day?"
"No time for that," he replied. "Just get me a cup of tea before it starts!"

Confused, the wife hurried to make a cup of tea.
She gave him the cup. He stretched out on the sofa, and sipped the tea.

"What did you mean, 'befor...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

I came up with a dad joke while going to the store to buy cigarettes!

It never came back to me :(

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She say...

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Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I ...

Haha, jokes lol

Three guys were playing Russian roulette with a 6 shot revolver and 1 in the chamber, the first guy picks up a single cigarette, smokes it, then shoots and nothing comes out, the second guy picks up 2 smokes, enjoys his time. Fires 2x and nothing comes out. The third guy thinks for a second and says...

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Wife sent me to the store to buy tampons.

As I'm standing there confused, a worker approached me and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yeah. What are these tampons made out? They are so expensive."


"Well basically just cotton, string, and cardboard." replies the employee.

After thinking for a minute...

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

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An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security ...

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My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

Doctor to Patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

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