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Cigarettes Jokes

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

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There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

Yours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do oral sex and smoking cigarettes have in common?

The flavor changes when you get to the butt.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

There are 3 people on a boat with 4 cigarettes

3 friends decide to go on a fishing trip on a boat. While resting after hours of fishing, they decide to have a smoke. However, they have nothing to light them with. Suddenly, one of them throws a cigarette overboard. The others are confused on why he did this and ask him about it.

He says, "...

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

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Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I ...

Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...

Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.

So...

I'm fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana

But coccaine is where I draw the line

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must ...

what does god light his cigarettes with?

a match made in heaven .-.

My father asked me why I call my motorbiking buddies 'The cigarettes.'

I told him it's because whenever we race I always smoke 'em!

Scoring the best cigarettes in Barcelona

If you want to find the best cigarette in Barcelona, attend a match in Camp Nou. At half time, you'll see a lot of vendors making rounds of the stadium. They're selling food. Mostly falafels.

Now, you catch hold of one of them and look them in the eye. "I'm looking for him" you say.

"...

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cigarette

did you know that eating pussy is like smoking cigarettes.?

the taste gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon."It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long...

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

Cigarettes and alcohol

Cigarettes and alcohol have warning labels because they are addictive, dangerous and destroyed lives and yet women are just allowed to roam about freely.

Screw dudes who throw cigarettes into urinals

Makes them so difficult to re-light.

I took my son to see Santa Claus yesterday and he stank of booze and cigarettes.

God knows what Santa Claus thought of him.

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Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him If she can help
him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for
his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls a...

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

Dad goes to his son and says "a little bird told me you're smoking cigarettes"...

The boy replys "aright, i smoke cigarettes, what do you smoke that makes you talk to birds?"

My local fish market was selling e-cigarettes

and isopods

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

I hate when people leave cigarettes in urinals

It makes them hard to light

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

What do women and cigarettes have in common

You spend a lot of money on them just so they can slowly kill you over time

Scientists say cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

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A couple of Old Ladys are sitting outside of their retirement home, smoking cigarettes

when it suddenly starts to rain, just a light drizzle, nothing too heavy.

The first old lady pulls out her little umbrella and awkwardly holds it up abover her as she puffs away on her cigarette.

The second old lady pulls out a condom, tears a hole at the tip with her teeth and procee...

Cigarettes in the rain

Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

*Lady 2*: "What in the world is that?"

*Lady 1*: "A condom."
...

A man went to buy cigarettes

He asked for a pack and the store manager gave it to him.
The man took the pack and noticed it had a health warning which said “Smoking causes impotence” he then looked at the self where the rest of the packs were and asked the store manager “can I please change it for the cancer one?”.

Studies have shown that cigarettes can harm children...

...may need to start using an ashtray.

Quitting cigarettes is easy

I’ve done it 5 times

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"

He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."

Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.

A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he...

Sometimes when I'm bored I put makeup and little wigs on marijuana cigarettes.

That might sound dumb to you, but I think it's pretty dope.

What happened when the Energizer bunny's dad went out for cigarettes?

He just kept going and going and going.

Why did the Vampire go to the store for milk and cigarettes

He didn’t wanna be around the son anymore

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

My doctor said that cigarettes are bad for kids

I guess next time I should just use an ashtray.

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Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after sex...

They chew 'bacca

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Cigarette's and Tampons

I called my wife while she was shopping and asked her to bring me some cigarettes. She comes home with a can of Tobacco and rolling papers and said here, roll your own they are cheaper this way. Well I went to the store and she calls and asked if I would bring her some tampons. I brought her a bag o...

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

I’m gonna start selling christian cigarettes

I’ll call them “Holy Smokes”

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My baby is like cigarettes...

I like to hold it for 5 minutes every hour and the rest of the time I'm thinking about how it's fucking killing me.

A man drives Home from a Firefighter-Party.

He is a bit loaded , so he drives very carefully to not get any Cops attention.

But its not enough and he runs into a Patrol.

Policeman:"And where do you come from?"

Man:"Im driving home from a Firefighter Party, yes im loaded and im sorry...."

The Policeman cuts him off:...

Why did the man name his no legged dog "Cigarettes?"

Because he liked to take him out for long drags.

Saddam Hussein once asked me for a cigarette when I was working for the armed forces in Iraq. I don't normally give out my cigarettes...

...but he was clearly despot.

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