So i said to the guy in the Phone Shop "I'd like to get a new smartphone for my wife"

He looked her up and down, then said

"Seems like a fair trade!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Smartphones are now the #1 ranked hand held device.

That means Penis has slipped to second place.

Why did the smartphone need glasses

It lost all it's contacts

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the number one hand held device!

Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy

Can’t express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

Until today, I could never understand how my parents entertained themselves in their days, before smartphones were a thing

I asked my 72 other siblings and they haven’t got a clue either.

Feeling hopeless, I finally asked my parents and they said they played lots of sports. For some reason, I think they’re lying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves.

We were burning the Midnight Oil.

Mexican Custodian

A Mexican custodian finishes mopping the lobby floor. A young girl enters the lobby with her eyes glued to her smartphone.

"Miss," the Mexican custodian says, "the floor is wet."

The girl looks up from her phone with a bored expression. "K," she replies.

"Miss," the Mexican cu...

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves.

We all have sh*tty smartphones

... because we wash our hands when leaving a toilet but we don't wash the smartphone ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows that Samsung smartphones are now the most popular hand held device in the world.

For the first time, penis has slipped to Number 2.

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man installs a lie detector app on his smartphone and shows it off to his family at the dinner table.

Then as they begin eating he asks his son, "So, what have you been doing this afternoon?"

"Just working on my research paper, Dad..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"Okay, I was on the Internet, looking at pictures of kittens and stuff..."

*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.*

"All right, I was ...

Man, smartphones are great you can search up anything like:

1. How to make a pizza
2. How to put out a fire
3. Directions to the nearest pizzeria

Relationships are like smartphones.....

You look at your iPhone 7 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

What is ISIS's favorite smartphone?

Samsung Note 7 , according to them it's "the bomb" nowadays.

Why did the smartphone go to jail... [OC]

Because it was charged with battery

For a change, a genie appeared in front of a woman this time...

A genie appeared in front of a woman.

"Whatever you want, as many things as you want, just ask " the genie said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"An...

Do we really need a new smartphone every year??

Sponsored by Apple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having Sex Is Like Charging Your New SmartPhone

*You can flip over your partner and it's still Plug&Play*

I tossed my wife into a well, but then I thought this was too harsh and threw her smartphone after her.

So she can now enjoy digital well-being

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?

Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

An American, a Korean, a Chinese, and a Russian walk into a bar...

...they settled into their seats and when they had loosened up after a few drinks they decided to extol the virtues of their homelands.

"American industry is so superb," said the American. "A sports team can decide to move to a different city, and within a year and a half we can build a stat...

The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous

If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone

How many Chinese workers does it take to make a Smartphone?

I dunno. Ask the kids.

NSA

My sister just told me that she taped up the **camera** because she's afraid of being spied on by the **NSA**.

*I laughed*

*she laughed*

*the smartphone laughed*

A man goes to visit a frog in the woods

The man knows the frog loves reading, so he brings him a variety of literature. He finds the frog hanging out by a pond and presents him with classics, comedy, and nonfiction, but the frog shakes his head at each book one by one.

Finally the man, exasperated, says, "I don't understand! You...

What happens when you take a Chinese smartphone somewhere unsafe?

...you take the Huawei to the Danger Zone.

My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life

My calendar's days are numbered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

I asked a young lady at the office to bring me a newspaper

Then I got a lecture about this generation's advanced technology and how old and obsolete I am... At last she gave me her smartphone.


Long story short -

Fly's dead.

Phone's broken.

Girl's crying.

I did something crazy the other day...

...I used the toilet without playing on my smartphone.

Instead I played with myself.

A lame German joke in translation

At the doctors office:


Did you take my advice and sleep with the window open?


Yes, I did.


So, did the cough disappear?


The only thing that's disappeared is my laptop and my smartphone.

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

I used to read shampoo bottles while on the toilet..

But now with smartphones I can just take a picture of the bottle and read it anywhere!

Why are you here??

An old man in the confessional goes like this:

"Well, Father, it happened so that I was driving in the country late at night when my banger gave up and broke down. It was dark, there was nobody around, I can't get my head around smartphones so I walked as far as the nearest settlement, went t...

The iPhone X

Is a top-notch smartphone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a German, a Canadian, and a Jew are sent to a deserted island as part of a reality show.

They are told to bring one item each.

1. The American brings a smartphone

2. The German brings a book.
3. The Canadian brings a laptop
4. The Jew brings a blow up doll.

One year later, the Jew has a smartphone, a book, and a laptop.

In the future, a millennial and his wife are lying in bed

The wife turns to the husband and says, "remember life before self-driving cars?"

The husband replies, "Yes, those days were quite the struggle. So glad we evolved past driving cars."

The wife says, "remember life before smartphones?"

The husband replies, "I sure do. What ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda goes out to dinner

A panda goes out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. After finishing his meal he stands up, pulls out his gun, shoots the waiter, and begins to leave. Frantically, the manager stops the panda and says, "what did the waiter do? ! Why did you shoot him? You can't just shoot people, I'm calling the p...

A man is out driving in the countryside

A man is out driving in the countryside where he suddenly comes across a big herd of sheep. He stops his car and get out waiting for the sheep to pass over the road. At the end of the herd he spots the shepherd. He goes over to the shepherd and starts a conversation.

-"If I can tell you exact...

Science is progressing in leaps and bounds. In 20 years...

...we'll definitely have better smartphones.

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