UPJOKE
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I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

After working retail I've discovered that there are two types of people in the world

Those who can read signs, and customers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a proctologist and a retail worker?

The proctologist needed to go to college to deal with assholes for a living.

Why are retail workers the best in bed?

Because they're trained to have the customer come first.

You know what they say: If you've seen one retail job,

then you've seen the mall.

How many retail employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three: one to manage, one to supervise, and one to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working retail is a lot like constipation.

Because sometimes you just don't give a shit.

I've worked both restaurant and retail jobs, and honestly I think I prefer retail jobs.

Only in retail can you drop something on the floor in front of the customer, and continue to try and sell it to them.

Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

Little Timmy is burned out working retail, so he goes to a career fair to consult a counsellor...

Timmy says "Hey Mr. Counsellor, I'm burned out, I don't like my current job and I want a career change, what do you recommend for me?"


Counsellor: "Well tell me about yourself, and what you look for in a job?"


Timmy: "I'm an introvert, I don't like to socialize, I hate it ...

I got a new job at retail and spend eight hours a day being yelled at and criticized for things that aren't my fault.

I never thought my humiliation fetish would be good for my career.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would loose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

What do you get if you shred a PlayStation 5's retail packaging?

An ex-box.

Everything was half off at a retail store

It really cheapened the experience.

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.


The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

What do you call a couple who decided on a career together in retail after both having earned their Doctorates?

A Paradox!

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

My friend was suicidal and worked at retail

His coworkers found his goodbye note in the break room. They checked the back room but were too late. The price gun, still smoking, and his head, half off

Retail job interview (2012): Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.

They're in karentine.

What is a Pirates favourite section in retail?

Health and Booty

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I work retail. My day was like a bad porno.

Because everyone came at once.

What's the most persuasive argument against democracy?

"Have you ever worked in retail?"

How can online retailers hurt Russia?

Suspending delivery of Adidas Tracksuit.

Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves...

Apparently they are a choking hazard.

My local electronics retailer is having a fire sale.

The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 is the hottest item.

what retail store does a cat go to when it loses it's tail?

a retail sto- goddamn it I did it again

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Alligator Shoes. (Long)

A Blonde woman walked into a small Louisiana shoe store, and looked around at all of the footwear on display. After a few moments, a salesman walked over to her, and politely asked “Can I help you, ma’am?”

“Yes,” the blonde woman replied, “I’m interested in these alligator leather shoes.” Sh...

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park a Car

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a ...

A man wanted to buy a good insecticide

"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.

"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.

What did the retail employee say to the young gang member in the fitting room?

You dont fit in the hood kid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

I heard that Fairy Tale merchandise is on sale!

Now, that's what I call fair retail!

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

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How do they say "fuck you" in...

... New York? "Trust me."

... Alabama? "That's nice."

... Australia? "Mate, ..." (as opposed to, "... mate.")

... Canada? "I'm sorry you feel that way."

... The armed forces? "With all due respect..."

... Congress? "Thank you."

... Press conferences? "No co...

In a small country pub,

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to rem...

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

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A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy: ...

For my 3rd cake day I'd like to re-re retell

Resell, retail, retale, resail reset preset presume resume
Assume retell

That my favorite joke is good ol' #788

What kind of job does a gecko work?

Retail

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

I saw a tail-less cat in the street today

It was looking for a retail store.

Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach

They get to talking about themselves.

One says, "I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fi...

A detective story

An old joke I remember from working retail, works best with the pauses that I hope I get across:

10 am there is a knock at the door,
knocks me half out of my secretary
It's a dame, she tells me I have to help her find her husband.
It's raining outside so I grab some r...

Interviewer: How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint?

Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed.

Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

Jewish guy goes to his rabbi . . .

. . . he asks, "I don't get it. If we're the chosen people, why did God make the goys?"

The rabbi shrugs and say, "Hey . . . somebody's gotta pay retail."

If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

White Anglo-Saxon Protestant's (WASP's)

Why did God create W.A.S.P's?

Someone has to pay full retail...

No E-Mail

A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

“You are hired.” – the employer said. ”Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”...

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

The ghost of a dog with no tail walks into a bar after closing time..

Barman: Sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

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