After working retail I've discovered that there are two types of people in the world

Those who can read signs, and customers.

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

Why are retail workers the best in bed?

Because they're trained to have the customer come first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would lose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

What do you get if you shred a PlayStation 5's retail packaging?

An ex-box.

Florida man fires gun at a retail store.

It was target.

Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

You know what they say: If you've seen one retail job,

then you've seen the mall.

What do you call a couple who decided on a career together in retail after both having earned their Doctorates?

A Paradox!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work retail. My day was like a bad porno.

Because everyone came at once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl gets pregnant...

She tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl p...

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

Everything was half off at a retail store

It really cheapened the experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working retail is a lot like constipation.

Because sometimes you just don't give a shit.

I've worked both restaurant and retail jobs, and honestly I think I prefer retail jobs.

Only in retail can you drop something on the floor in front of the customer, and continue to try and sell it to them.

What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

Termite Food

So I work in a retail store where we routinely have shipments of freight arriving on wooden skids. A truck driver will come by every week or so, and pick up the empty skids so they can be reused.

Out of curiosity, I asked the driver if he ever worried about termites getting into his trailer....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Working in retail right now must feel like a zombie apocalypse...

...because one wrong move and you alert the hoard

What is a Pirates favourite section in retail?

Health and Booty

My local electronics retailer is having a fire sale.

The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 is the hottest item.

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.

They're in karentine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Retailers have pulled all the Darth Vader toys from their shelves...

Apparently they are a choking hazard.

I asked a tailor to hem my jeans

He did a bad job of it so I ended having to go to the retailer

Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one?

A retail store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do retail workers and people who search by new have in common?

Everyone expects high standards from them, have to deal with everyone’s shit, get blamed when things don’t go the way someone wants, and very understaffed

A dog lost its tail.

So it went to the retail center.

A man wanted to buy a good insecticide

"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.

"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A retail store manager calls one of his male employees into his office.

The employee walks in with soaking wet hands.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to let you go,” says the manager.

“Seriously?! Why is that?,” the man replies

“Well you use the women’s restroom at least 15 times a day, and many employees and customers have complained abou...

It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

What kind of job does a gecko work?

Retail

Why did God invest WASPs?

Somebody has to pay retail.

A blond and a redhead are talking one afternoon.

Redhead - "So how was your weekend?"

Blond - "Not to good my cat got it's tail cut off by the lawn mower."

Redhead - "That's terrible! What did you do about it?"

Blond - "Well I got the cat and it's tail and took it to Walmart."

Redhead - "Why wouldnt you take the cat to ...

A jobless man applied for the job

A jobless man applied for the job of "sweeper" at Microsoft.

The HR interviewed him..

Then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are Appointed" he said.

"Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in".

The man replied "But I don't h...

Why didn't the store let the man return the hand soap he'd purchased?

It was anti-back-to-retail soap.

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

For my 3rd cake day I'd like to re-re retell

Resell, retail, retale, resail reset preset presume resume
Assume retell

That my favorite joke is good ol' #788

What do you call a retail store that disables electronics?

An EMPorium

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park a Car

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a ...

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

If you login to Amazon

and other retailers websites for Thanksgiving sale, you may save up to 70%........


But if you don't login, you'll save 100%

What did the retail employee say to the young gang member in the fitting room?

You dont fit in the hood kid.

I heard that Fairy Tale merchandise is on sale!

Now, that's what I call fair retail!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joung Jew loved to read books

He loved to read so much that he read all of the books in the library in his town. So one day he went to a bookstore and asked if they had a book that he haven't read yet. An old Jew that worked there said yes and handed the boy a strange, covered in dust book titled "DEATH". He said to the boy: ...

how do you cheer up a puppy that's lost its tail?

retail therapy!

Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 yea...

So this guy was driving down a street...

...and felt a bump. He got out of his car quickly and looked to see what he'd hit. Turned out, he'd ran over a cat's tail, and it had come off! He started to panic. What would the owner do? He scooped up the tail-less cat and kicked the tail into a bush, hoping no one would notice.

He ran to...

Where should you take your cat, if it somehow loses its tail?

Walmart, they're the world's biggest retailer.

Thank you. I'll be here all week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they say "fuck you" in...

... New York? "Trust me."

... Alabama? "That's nice."

... Australia? "Mate, ..." (as opposed to, "... mate.")

... Canada? "I'm sorry you feel that way."

... The armed forces? "With all due respect..."

... Congress? "Thank you."

... Press conferences? "No co...

666 is the Number of the Beast

This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor.

We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

* $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast
* $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
* $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all...

In a small country pub,

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to rem...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

I saw a tail-less cat in the street today

It was looking for a retail store.

Two retired gentlemen meet while sunning themselves on the beach

They get to talking about themselves.

One says, "I was in the retail business. I started out with a tiny clothing shop, and through a lifetime of long hours and hard work, built my way up to a nice department store. Things got tough when the chain stores started moving in. Then, tragedy. A fi...

A detective story

An old joke I remember from working retail, works best with the pauses that I hope I get across:

10 am there is a knock at the door,
knocks me half out of my secretary
It's a dame, she tells me I have to help her find her husband.
It's raining outside so I grab some r...

Interviewer: How would you handle a complaint from a customer?

Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint?

Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed.

Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section.

The most terrifying horror story... ever

Nester absolutely loves horror stories. From ghost and apparitions, to science-fiction, he enjoys reading all of them. One day while he visits a newly-opened bookstore, he got a glimpse on a rather unusual-looking book. A thin, hard-covered novel with no title.

As he examined the book, the o...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

What do you do if you accidentally cut off your cat's tail?

Take him to WalMart. They are the largest retailer in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Canada Eliminates the Penny....

Canada eliminates the penny and advices retailers to round to the nearest nickel officially claiming they don't give a shit about its citizen's 2 cents....finally an honest government!

White Anglo-Saxon Protestant's (WASP's)

Why did God create W.A.S.P's?

Someone has to pay full retail...

The ghost of a dog with no tail walks into a bar after closing time..

Barman: Sorry, we don't retail spirits after hours.

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