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Have you heard about the invasion of alien women that only abduct people with big dicks?

Just wanted to let you know that you’re not in any danger. But this spaceship is fucking awesome.

Did you hear about the underage sheep that was abducted?

I just read it on my phone when I got the Lamber Alert.

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

i was abducted by a group of mimes...

they did unspeakable things to me!

I prevented two girls from being abducted today.

My van wouldn't start.

Never name your daughter “Amber”

They seem to get abducted a lot.

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she had an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

I told my friend my original movie concept: An ex-Secret Service agent's teenage daughter is abducted by human traffickers while on a trip to Paris.

He said "Sorry mate, I think that idea's taken"

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How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently more than five, my basement is still dark.

Every fish you catch and release

goes home with an alien abduction story.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in UFO]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong, I can feel it.

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

Chuck Norris was abducted by aliens.

The aliens were never seen again.

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The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

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Aliens abduct a businessman, a scientist and a miner.

"So here's the thing, after achieving everything we could on our home planet we grew bored and now we travel galaxy and ask stupid questions. Here is yours -- what is the biggest number you can possibly think of? If answer amuses us, we grant you immortality, if not, we zap you with this death ray r...

While in North Korea they abducted Trump, and demanded the US give them a billion dollars or else . . . .

they would give him back.

Why do aliens only abduct white people?

Because they are easier to see in the dark.

I was once abducted

The aleins even showed me outside the ship, i was breathless

My mother-in-law has been abducted in Argentina. When the kidnappers called me, I asked if $10000 would be ok.

They said they didn't have so much money.

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So the aliens abduct three people for experiments.

They take a German, an American and a Russian and put each of them into a separate empty chamber, give them two steel balls each and say "Whoever surprises us the most tomorrow can go."

The next day, the German is doing a handstand balancing the balls on top of each other on his toe. The Amer...

I have been abducted by aliens searching for people with Alzheimer's.

When I woke up, the first thing they asked me was which date is today. I'm afraid "how did I get here?" was not a good answer.

Ever wondered why only morons report being abducted by Aliens?

Because the Aliens don't keep the stupid ones.

I was abducted by aliens last night

I tried to communicate, but I didn't know Spanish

Are the Polish for or against abductions?

Maybe I should take a poll

My late wife was abducted by a troupe of travelling Mime artists.

The police informed me, they did... Unspeakable things to her.

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After the Iowa Caucus,

A group of people were abducted by a psychopath who needed them to make a skinsuit. Among them were some voters, and also Bernie Sanders (the psycho wasn't too choosy about skin). He threw them each into a well so they were trapped, alone. He stood over the first one: "It puts the lotion on its ski...

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Creation of the German-Japanese Alliance, 1940

Hirohito: Thank you for phone call Mr. Fuhrer. We ask you now: you said you Aryans?

Hitler: Ja! Ze superior race! We are invincible! We will abduct your inferior race for our experiments! With our advanced weaponry we will take over zis world!

Hirohito: Very well. No more question. Th...

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

How to get the body you desire in 3 easy steps!

Step 1 - Go to your local gym.
Step 2 - Find the person whose body you wish to emulate.
Step 3 - Abduct that person.

Now you have the body you desire! Problem solved!

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I’ve recently started an all-vegan diet and I’ve never been healthier!

Abducting them, killing them and digging holes to dispose of the remains has been great exercise.

The only problem is it’s become difficult to shut the fuck up telling everybody how much better I feel and how their diet is wrong and immoral.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Iowan are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make conoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He ...

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A man goes to a hypnotist.

“I want to forget my ex-wife”

The hypnotist is like “OK then. I’ll see what I can do”

Next day the man goes to a psychologist.

“I think I was abducted by aliens. I don’t remember anything but I feel humiliated and empty, my penis is all numb and I even think they took my money”

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Alien experiment

So these 2 aliens get orders to go to this new planet earth and abduct a human for studying. The aliens, not knowing what a human looks like, happen to land at a gas station.

Alien A walks up to the gas pump and shrugs and says, " human surrender and come with us" the gas pump doesn't do any...

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

If you’ve been kidnapped by immigrants

You’ve been abducted by aliens

It's rude to ask probing questions . . .

doubly so to alien abductees.

A priest is walking through the woods at night

He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."

King Arthur and his Knights met a pilgrim…

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table met a pilgrim who claimed he found the burial site of Joseph of Arimathea in Scotland. As quick as they could, they set out to track down the best clue to the location of the Holy Grail. It was a long hard ride, across fens and through forests.

O...

Did you know that the number of legs in the air of a horse statue indicate how its rider died?

If there are no legs in the air, the rider survived the war.
If there is one leg in the air, the rider was mortally wounded and died after a battle.
If there are two legs in the air, the rider was killed in battle.
If there are three legs in the air, the rider died in a tragic circus ...

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The real joke

A man was abducted one night by aliens. After the new broke out, US authorities began to contact the aliens using a breakthrough technology. The whole world had eyes on the US government to save the man. After much discussion between the two races, the US government actually pissed off the aliens th...

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