The 79+ Best Punishment Jokes

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment

So I send them to school wearing crocs and skechers and let other kids beat them instead

Punishment

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.~~~The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely sl...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

My joke about capital punishment got downvoted.

I guess it was great concept, poor execution.

What is the punishment for polygamy in the United States?

Multiple mothers-in-law.

Remember when going to bed was a punishment?

How stupid we were!

I have no problem with capital punishment in theory.

Just in execution.

I don’t believe in hitting my kids as punishment

I just do it for fun

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

For those of you who also sometimes get confused between corporal and capital punishment

Please come and pick up these dead kids and give me a spanking.

What's the punishment for bigamy?

Two wives.

(Joke courtesy of my Wife!)

what's the worst punishment for bigamy?

2 mother in laws.

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

Do Sergeants believe in Corporal punishment...

Or is that a Private matter ?

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 tribesmen were about to get punished

3 tribesmen were about to get punished. The chief told them to bring 10 fruits from their crops.

The first one brought 10 apples. The chief then said that those 10 apples would be inserted in his asshole. If he manages to not show any reaction when all the apples get inserted, he gets to live...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punishment by Profession

Three men were exploring a south part of a desert. Just then, three native women and their chief kidnapped them and brought them to his torturing chamber.

The chief said to the first one, "What is your job?"

He said, "I'm a fireman."

The chief said, "His penis... BURN IT OFF!" S...

The most cruel punishment

A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for ...

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What did Stevie Wonder's mother do for punishment??

Re-arrange the furniture

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, Bible says that proper punishment for adultery is to be stoned

That's why I always smoke weed after having sex with my girlfriend

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God's punishment

God gave women labor pains and monthly bleeding as the punishment for the original sin. Men's punishment is to be with his wife and listen to her problems. That's why god hates homosexuals. They found a loophole in this system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s parade day in Russia and 3 military thieves are locked in a jail cell awaiting their punishment.

All the other males in the army are either partaking in the parade or out celebrating their national pride and getting drunk on vodka so they have cleverly entrusted their female counterparts to continue running things whilst they are gone.

A female Lieutenant asks her superior, “How are we t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orion’s Belt doesn’t sound like it’s named after an almighty Greek God More like it’s named after an Irish father’s punishment weapon of choice.

“You’d better behave young lad, or your arse is gonna meet O’Ryan’s belt!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

I was always taught that the punishment for Treason was death.

But apparently it's only 4 years.

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

Fair Punishment

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not!

Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

God's Punishment

There lived a rabbi who was an avid golfer and played the game at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One day the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will...

A kid doesn’t finish his dinner, so his father takes away his Xbox as punishment.

Throughout the next day, the kid stomps around the house, obviously angry with his father. Eventually, the mother starts casting resentful looks at her husband. He asks, “What’s up with you?” She replies:

“Will you please just give him his Xbox back? The kid’s inconsolable.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

I forgot to do the dishes again, and as punishment my wife read me the collected works of Kafka

I never did hear the end of it

What was the earthquakes punishment

It was grounded

Recently I was fingered for a crime

which seems like a weird punishment

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.

“Well, it’s about time.”

Some people think the romans were too harsh in their punishment of jesus

but I think they really nailed it.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

We don't use corporal punishment anymore

It's old school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is someone who always steals your shit and gets no punishment even when exposed?

A reposter

Have you heard a joke about capital punishment?

Apparently, they're very hard to execute.

As a punishment I was once made to answer a difficult question while riding up and down the elevator.

....
It was wrong on so many levels.
....

Last weekend my dad caught me smoking a cigarette and for punishment made me smoke until I puked.

This weekend I made sure he caught me in bed with my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese Punishments

So this explorer is out in the Chinese wilderness, and he lost, tired and hungry. He comes across a rather large house with multiple stories. Relieved he goes up and knocks on the door. An old chinese master opens it up.

"Please," said the explorer, "Can I have food and shelter for the night...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy dies and goes to hell, Satan say's he can choose his punishment,

However there is one rule, once you pass on a pushiment, you cannot go back, you must move onto the next one, so the cowboy agree's and satan takes him to the first room, it is a bunch of men standing on their heads, the cowboy takes a look and says "naw ill pass on this one". so they go to the ...

I tried to sue the Devil for cruel and unusual punishment

but I lost because, naturally, he had access to the best lawyers in the world.

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

The judge told me I might get capital punishment for my crimes, and asked me if I knew what it meant..

I didn't, so I told him to use it in a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see
the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third
room. It has an really old guy chained to the
wall getting...

There is a type of capital punishment where the executioner yells mispronounced words at the inmates until they die.

It's called lethal inflection.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

Public punishments in Saudi Arabia are really hard

It’s like beating dark soles

Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone....

One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred

Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?...

New definition of punishment

When you get to a reddit thread after all the puns have been taken.

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

A student gets pushed off a cliff as a punishment

He had a bad altitude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strange Punishment

Little Johnnie, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnnie. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of though...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.