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Walmart Jokes

Walmart Bathroom

I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”
Embarrassed... I said, “I’m ok!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?”
I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”
Then I h...

Walmart

Apparently running around Walmart with an alkaseltzer tab in my mouth yelling, "the COVID vaccine doesn't work" isn't funny?

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

How To Get Hired At Walmart

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

Th...

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

I'm not saying my local Walmart is bad.

I'm just saying it has a police precinct.

The blind Walmart clerk

My teacher was telling us about this joke today so I thought I would share.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed...

I was at WalMart to buy bird seed and with a straight face I asked the nice young lady that worked there:

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE THE BIRDS TO GROW ONCE I PLANT THESE SEEDS?

did you know that Ukraine has no Walmarts?

only targets.

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Walmart.

An elderly man gets a job as a Greeter at Walmart, a very overweight woman comes in with two obnoxious kids, they are shouting and screaming, throwing things about, running around the store causing mayhem, the Greeter, walks over to the woman, encountering a strong smell of Body odour and cheap perf...

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I was in Walmart whit the wife

I was in Walmart whit the wife and put a bottle of whiskey in the trolley "what do you think your doing " Asked the missus " it's on offer $10 for 1 bottle " put it back we can't afford it. A few aisles on she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley "what are you doing "I sed ...

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When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because there's a Target at every corner.

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

Shopping at Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better go see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.


"There's a new diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample...

I saw a elderly woman in Walmart crying

She told me she had lost all her money for groceries. I felt bad for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found laying in the parking lot.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

Walmart will be closed for Christmas

so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at Walmart?

...it's ok, he woke up.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

Getting a job at Walmart requires a high school education.

I'm glad they'll still accept someone with a college degree.

Why was the bodybuilder banned from Walmart?

Shoplifting.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop.

He glared at me ...

Saw a woman in Walmart who had March Madness teeth this morning

She was down to her final 4!!!

Why did Walmart go out of business in Iraq?

Because there are too many targets.

Did you hear about Walmart's new business model?

Walmart bought the rights to Toys-R-Us and is merging with it. They are changing the mascot from a giraffe to a sea mammal, though.

They're gonna call it, Wal-R-Us.

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My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal bitch.

I asked her if she was at the self checkout and that Mr Officer is how I got the black eye

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Buying cat treats at Walmart today

TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smartass remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding the food. Her lit...

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and ...

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A woman walks into Walmart

She's dragging her two children behind her and turns to yell at them, "hurry up! Get your ass moving". The Walmart greeter can tell she's not having s good day, so he politely says "Good morning, what a lovely day!" She rudely responds by telling the greeter to fuck off. The greeter is surprised,...

You can get Batman shampoo at walmart

But not conditioner Gordon :(

Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays...

Free of charge

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Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

What do R.Kelly and Walmart have in common?

They both have kids pants half off.

Walmart has announced it will now require shoppers to wear masks in its stores.

However, pants will still be optional.

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My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

Dalai lama goes to Walmart

Dalai lama goes to Walmart and buys a chocolate and pays it with 5$
And the man behind the counter says "here is your change!"
And Dalai lama replies "No, change must come from within"

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A horse attempts to enter a Walmart

He's immediately stopped at the door by a staff member.

"Sorry sir, you need to have a mask on to enter here."

"That's silly!", the horse exclaimed. "I'm a HORSE! I'm in no danger of contracting nor spreading coronavirus! Plus where am I supposed to find a mask to fit MY face?!"
...

The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same

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Why did the pedophile go to Walmart?

He heard that boys pants were half off.

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Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass.

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...

Once upon a time, I picked up some walnuts and a nutcracker at Walmart

But enough about where I met my wife

What do you call an essential Walmart employee?

A Walmartyr.

While at Walmart, I saw an amazing cooking utensil that I didn't have enough money for.

That's a whisk I'm willing to take.

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

Why are there no Walmart's in Afghanistan?

Because they are all Target's

Walmart Interview

A manager at walmart was interviewing 4 candidates in a group interview. He asked the 4 candidates "What the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man said "A THOUGHT. It
just pops into your head!"

The second man said "Hmm... let me THINK." after a couple of minutes to prove...

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

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The Indian at Walmart

An Indian goes to Walmart in the U.S.
He finds cat food at special prices.
He picks a dozen cans of cat food & goes to
check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that
this guy might not have a cat & will probably
feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to
sh...

Hey, has anyone seen the new deer burgers they sell at Walmart?

I heard they only cost a buck.

Did you hear about what happened at the Walmart in El Paso, Texas?

The Walmart that got turned into a Target.

walmart marriage chapel

Walmart was going to put in a marriage chapel. After thinking about it they decided not to because they already had a problem with returns

How do you steal a coat from Walmart?

You Jacket.

Just recalling the great toilet paper shortage and my Walmart experience.

I couldnt find toilet paper anywhere at Walmart, so I finally found an associate wearing the signature yellow vest, and asked, " Is there toilet paper anywhere in this store?"

She looked me up and down and said, "We've been out of toilet paper for over a week."

Imagine my embarrassment...

A blind man walks into a Walmart.

He grabs his dog and starts swinging him in a circle over his head.
One of the Walmart greeters yells at him, What the hell are you doing, can I help you with something? No thanks He say's, I'm just having a look around.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday

Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."

I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.

But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.

"She works at Walmart", I said.

He just shook his ...

Went to walmart

and asked the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.

A guy decides to try horseback riding...

... even though he has had no lessons nor prior experience.

He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace but the guy begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane but can...

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

What is the difference between a Walmart and a hooker?

At Walmart, more plastic always makes it cheaper.

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

Imagine being in Walmart during the zombie apocalypse

On one side are lumbering, fat things with mucus coming out there nose dragging themselves across the ground and on the other side are zombies

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Did you know that you can buy Viagra at Walmart?

It’s called Fix-A-Flat.

People need to calm down about Walmart making wearing a mask mandatory.

You can still wear your pajamas.

Why did Michael Jackson shop at Walmart?

Young boys pants were always half off.

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart....

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart is not knowing who’s kid it is.

My dad works in Heating and Air Ventilation in a Walmart

He gets asked if he works there, he says no I'm a huge Fan

Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section.

Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.

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I went through Walmart's self-checkout the other day

And damn, the cashier was sexy.

Now Neymar can go home and work at Walmart...

Help them roll back their prices!

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

A quick-thinking Walmart greeter . . .

So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them all the way throu...

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Blind guy walks into a Walmart.

A blind guy walks into Wal-Mart with his seeing eye dog. He gets to the middle of the store, proceeds to grab the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around in circles. The dog yelping all the while with people staring in astonishment. The manager goes running over screaming "what the fuck are y...

Doug Ford and Walmart are quite similar

They both love their rollbacks.

After my cat lost his tail, I took him to Walmart..

They were the biggest retailer I could think of.

What geography question was Gus asked when he was trying to get into Walmart?

Where's Damascus?

Why don't terrorists shop at Walmart?

They prefer a Target.

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I asked my doctor whether masturbation causes poor eyesight.

He said: “you’re in Walmart Sir”

My German friend and I like to rate women at Walmart on their looks...

I hate to say the guy has low standards, but I saw a lot of twos and threes. He just kept yelling NINE, NINE, NINE, NINE.

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

Why did Gary Glitter go to Walmart?

Because children’s clothes were half off!

Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

How does Telashi 6ix9ine pay for his items at Walmart?

He puts them on Trey-a-Way

Did y’all hear about the guy who shot himself in Walmart in Black Friday?

They’re calling it a self-checkout

(NSFW) Did you hear they're having a Michael Jackson sale at Walmart?

A - Boy's pants are half off.

What does Fetty Wap buy when he goes to Walmart?

7 tees, 30 eggs

What is the difference between a Walmart employee and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

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