I was accosted by a bunch of perverts on the subway...

I had to beat them off.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

Back in the 80's, Brian was walking in Belfast when he was accosted by a masked man, brandishing a gun

The masked man asked "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant"?

Brian replied "Neither, I'm an Atheist"

The masked man was silent for a moment, then finally said:

"Is that a Catholic Atheist or a Protestant Atheist"?

A man is walking down a dark alley when he's accosted by a robber.

The robber puts a gun to his head and says, "Give me all your money, or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?'"

"Don't try to change the subject" says the robber.

What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?

Doctors without boarders.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

So a nun walks into a liquor store and asks for a bottle...

...finest Irish Whiskey. The clerk says I thought nuns weren't allowed to drink. The nun replies its for father Thomas's constipation. Clerk sells her the whiskey. Couple hours later the clerk sees the nun staggering up the road three sheets to the wind. He accosts her and asks I thought you said it...

Even though Sea World is shut down, the animals still need to be taken care of

Obama answers the call for volunteers. On his first day, they assign him to feed the baby dolphins.

As he is doing so, another volunteer accosts him "Our country is in crisis. Don't you have anything better to do?"

He replied "I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man's wife falls into a coma.

For the next ten days, he stays by her bedside, red-eyed and desperate. He reads to her and talks to her the entire time. Then, late one night, without knowing why, he reaches out and grabs her breast. She moans. It's the first sign she's given the entire time.

Excited, the husband runs out i...

History Fact!

In the 1700s men were attracted to woman's natural scent. To stop from being accosted by too many gentlemen callers, a product was developed. Perfumey soaps applied to the clothes would remove and mask any odors. A whole new industry sprung up!

That industry? Laundry DeterGents.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening...

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist โ€“ he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.โ€ Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology....

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

East meets West

A guy pulls up to a bar and walks in to get a drink. Almost immediately, he is accosted by another guy who has obviously had one-to-many.
The drunk demonstrates a clumsy karate chop and says, "That was karate from China." The new arrival just nods noncommittally and attempts to sit at the bar. Un...

The Head Teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

Three little old ladies

Three little old ladies were enjoying an evening on the town, when suddenly they were accosted by a flasher. The first little old lady had a stroke! Then the second one had a stroke! But the third one refused to touch it.

Three men and the Devil.

Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil.

The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that manโ€™s slave.

If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up.

The first man drops a pure, c...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man walks into a restaurant

A man walks into a restaurant at lunchtime and is accosted by three women by the door - one Chinese, one Japanese and one Korean.

"Hey guy! Try the barbecue pork fried rice! Number one dish!" proclaims the Chinese woman.

"No no, you want the unagi udon! Best taste!" yells the Japanes...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man, walking the High Street in Belfast at the height of the Troubles

Is accosted by a hand out of the side of his vision and pulled into an alleyway. A voice in the darkness asks, 'Catholic or Protestant?' The man, thinking quickly, says, 'neither, I'm Jewish!' 'Well fuck, that makes me the luckiest Arab in Belfast.'

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