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Scumbag Jokes

A man goes to drown his sorrows after losing a trial. He exclaims, "All lawyers are scumbags!"

The man next to him says, "I take issue with that."

"Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a scumbag."

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

My ex left me because I'm "too much of a corporate scumbag".

I'm holding interviews for the new vacancy if anyone's interested.

Full-time, permanent basis.

Contact me via email.

Why is math a scumbag?

Because it borrows the one and never gives it back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bunch of scumbags stole 20 crates of Red Bull from my local store...

I don't know how those bastards sleep at night...

What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist

In my girlfriend's copy of 50 Shades of Grey I found a photo of me with the word "scumbag" written as a caption.

I guess I'm not in her good books.

I feel the same way about lawyers as I do drug dealers

They’re all scumbags except mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

In my early 20s, I was a scumbag - no car, no house, no job. I lived at with my girlfriend's apartment, and sometimes I'd even borrow her car when I went out to cheat on her.

I say "borrow", but I didn't exactly ask her for permission. She worked as a bank teller, so I'd simply wait till she fell asleep -- Then I'd sneak into the night.

When I returned, I'd adjust the seat, radio, and mirrors back how they were before. The less questions, I figured, the better, ...

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ISIS vs Badass Marines

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road, when they hear the voice of an American from behind a sand dune- “Hey you bastards! One Marine is better than ten wimpy ISIS fighters!”

The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over to the sand dune, where a gun battle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a foreigner, why do people make fun of the way I curse?

This one guy at work in particular. He's a scumbag, a real piece of fuck.

I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

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Three guys go to heaven

St Peter at the gate greets them and says ‘Alright. We’ve just built some new roads up here and we need to get you each a car. Depending on how faithful you were to your wives will determine the quality of the car. Sound good?’
1st Guy: ‘I was happily married thirty years with my wife and never c...

When the teenage daughter has been knocked up.

A teenage girl goes to her mother and tells her that she is pregnant. The mother is outraged by this news.

"Who is this scumbag who has done this to you? I demand to know who it is!"

The girl calls the father-to-be. 30 minutes later, a fancy limousine parks next to the house and a dis...

Justice has been served [long, English humour]

Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them &a...

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A Soviet Jew finally got an exit visa to Israel.

He packs his stuff and one of the things he takes with him is a giant painting of the General Secretary.

At the border, the Soviet customs officer asks him: "Why would you take such a painting with you to Israel"?

The Jew answers: "If I get homesick in Israel, I just take at the pain...

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Nun and Bus Driver.

Once there was this really scummy bloke traveling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him. She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fuck you in the arse!" She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.

When the bloke was getting of...

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An old Jew is walking along the train platform

He approaches a guy and asks him:

"What do you think about Jews?"

The guy says:

"Oh, they are the most wonderful people!"

"Thank you, - says the Jews and walks to another guy, - Excuse me, what do you think about Jews?"

"Nothing special, - says the second guy, - ju...

Carjacking

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbag...

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An attractive woman walks up to the bar to order a drink.

As she's waiting on her drinks, there's a lone man sitting at the bar who's obviously had a few.

He looks at the woman and says, "Ma'am, you have the finest ass I've ever seen, and I would take a bite out of it, if given the chance."

"You better watch yourself," she replies, "because ...

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A wife finds out her husband has been cheating on her.

Heartbroken and keen to seek revenge, she takes a trip to the local witch doctor to buy a voodoo doll.

She brings it home and waits for her husbands return.

As he walks in the door he notices his wife sitting in dead silence, lights off, with only the dim glow of the fireplace lighting...

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