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Dickhead Jokes

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

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A Dickhead Walks into a Bar...

The bartender says, "Why the shlong face?"

Made it myself :D

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Police detained a man in the Moscow city for holding a sign with a word "Dickhead".

In the report they wrote that it was for "insulting president". Following dialog:

(Imprisoned): so, what part of this sign is about president?

(Police officer): don't pretend like we don't know who is the Dickhead around us.

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My dickhead brother is named Kelvin

It's because he's an absolute unit.

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

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What did the dickhead tell his enemy?

Don’t hit me, I cum n piss

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A dung Beatle walks into a bar and asks

Is this stool taken?

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Newlywed husband wants to go to bar

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .

... ...

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wi...

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

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Just got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!

Lucky I got the first punch in.

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Two Aussie bogans, Gazza and Dazza, are stumbling home one night

Gazza looks down and sees a mirror on the ground, so he picks it up for a closer look.

"Hey Dazza, I think I know this cunt."

"Give me a look at that" says Dazza. "Of course you do ya dickhead, It's me!"

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How to hurt someone without touching them

Just say papercut on the dickhead...

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A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Pagan and an Athiest all walk into a coffee shop...

...and they drink, talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It's not a joke. It's what happens when you're not a dickhead.

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I realized I've got a problem with road rage.

When my five year old Daughter shouted.

"Pick a fucking lane you dickhead!"

That's the last time I take her to the grocery store....

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People call me a dickhead

But for some reason they’re always looking down

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If you're a porn star, always be a dickhead.

That's a pro tip.

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Some idiot was shouting outside my window last night, vodka! Whiskey! Tequila! And at this point I got up and went to the window and shout back!

“Hey Dickhead I call the shots round here”

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Two nuns are driving down the street

When they get cut off by someone in traffic. The first none says "maybe he doesn't know we're nuns...sister show him your cross"

So the second nun opens the window and shouts "Oi you fucking dickhead!"

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So a Russian soldiers goes to a fortune-teller in a captured city...

The fortune teller asks him what he'd like to know about. He thinks for a moment, and says:

—Can you tell me, on which day will Putin die?
—Of course! *shuffles cards* I can see it... *lays cards on the table* I can see it quite clearly... Putin will die on a major Ukrainian holiday. ...

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

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How much of a dickhead are you...

On a scale of 1 to Harvard Jumper?

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

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Have you read the report on circumcisions?

Yeah, a number of dickheads were exposed.

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A guy's driving his truck through a huge storm

He suddenly notices a man wearing a red raincoat on the side of the road waving at him, so he pulls over. He lowers the window and aks:

'What do you want?'

'I'm the red-coated dickhead, and I'm hungry!'

After a while, the trucker just throws out his lunch to the guy and then dri...

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A son and his father are walking in the mountains.

Suddenly, the son falls, hurts himself and screams: "aaaaaahhhhhhh." To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "aaaaaahhhhhhh." Curious, he yells: "Who are you?" He receives the answer: "Who are you?" Angered at the response, he screams: "Dickhead!" He receives the an...

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A man got a haircut that made him look like a penis.

Between you and me, that guy's a real dickhead.

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“What car do you drive?” “

“A little corsa”
“What fucking car do you drive, dickhead?”

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Little League Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The litt...

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So a Volkswagen Beetle meets a tank.

Tank: "What moron designed you? Your heart is in your ass!"

Beetle: "Look who's talking, dickhead!"

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I phoned my boss on his day off.

"We've got a power problem," I told him.

"Describe it to me..." he continued.

I said, "Everybody thinks you're a dickhead."

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I'm thinking of changing my daughter's name to Lamborghini.

There's always some cocky dickhead inside her.

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(Oldie but a goodie) Two nuns are driving through Transilvania at night

All of a sudden, a large vampire swoops down and lands on the bonnet of their car.

One nun turns to the other and says, "Quick! Show him your cross!"

The other nun nods, winds down her window, leans out and yells, "GET OFF THE BONNET YOU DICKHEAD!"

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

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My girlfriend refused to join my nudist colony.

I would call her clothes-minded but that makes me a dickhead.

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Several years after having kids, two guys are sitting in a bar and one finally gets the courage to ask the other why he's Anti-Vax.

The Anti-Vaxxer takes only a second to look around the bar, making sure no one can hear, and finally leans in real close and says:

"I'm not, my kid's just a fuckin' dickhead."

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[nsfw] Meeting after a long time, what did one pussy lip say to it's friend the other lip?

Man, we used to be tight before the dickhead got involved.

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The Sad Lives of Our Sexual Organs

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him!

A vagina has a sad life. She gets screwed regularly, her neighbor is an asshole, her best friend is a dickhead and her owner abuses her!

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A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

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A kid in a tracksuit called to my door last night and said “Trick or treat”

“Its not Halloween till Tuesday. What are you even supposed to be?”

“I’m a ware wolf” he said with a cheeky grin.

“But you’re not even wearing a costume”

“Well it’s not a fucking full moon yet dickhead” he said before kicking me in the shins and running away laughing.
...

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Did you hear Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

It's for dickheads!

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Leisurely drive

I was out driving the other day when all of a sudden, a guy shot past me. I shook my head and chuckled to myself "you won't get there any faster mate" when an angry voice on the radio interrupted me: "put your foot down dickhead that's the second time he's lapped you now!"

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Last night I was in in my local pub when

this drunken bloke pointed over and said:

"I don't fancy your girlfriend much."

"What a dickhead!" my wife said. "He hasn't got a clue."

"I know," I laughed. "I'd never bring my girlfriend to a shithole like this."

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Saw A Cop Writing a Parking Ticket

I was at the Supermarket today for literally 5 minutes, when I came out I saw a cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on man, can't you give a guy a break?"

He ignored me and kept writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-neck dickhead. He glared at me, ...

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Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early be...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

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So there's a new drink at the bar...

A man named Derek walks into a bar and takes a seat next to another man. The man looks over and says "Hey, have you heard of the new drink called 'Bounce'? It's amazing!"

Derek responds "Yeah? What's so special about it?"

In which the man replied "You wouldn't believe it, it makes you ...

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A Sad Story

So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy...

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A duck, wearing a hard hat, walks into a bar...

At 12 o'clock on the dot, a barman is surprised by the door of his pub being front-kicked open in an angry fashion...

In walks a duck, wearing a hi-vis vest, a hard hat and a scowl that says he's having a bad day.

Before the barman can say a word, the duck exclaims, "WANKERS!!!! CUNTS...

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The penis case study

The americans made a research on why a man's dickhead was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason was to give the man pleasure during sex.

The french weren't convinced by the americans study and made their own.After 3 years and $250,000 they concluded t...

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A man comes home early and believes his wife is having an affair

A man named James comes home a bit early one day from work to surprise his wife. As he enters their 11th floor apartment he smells cigarette smoke in the air and notices a pair of men's shoes that he does not own next to the door.

He enters the bedroom and finds his wife is laying naked unde...

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