two guys in a lunatic asylum

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night, one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away ...

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A bus full of lunatics broke down.

The driver is walking around the bus checking everything but does not figure out what's wrong. One of the passengers comes to him and says "I know what's broken, I know what's broken!" but the driver ignores him and tells him to go back inside. Local mechanic arrives and checks everything there is t...

Coming Your Way Soon!

An old guy is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cellphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway."

"It's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

Two guys keep getting thrown out of bars.

'You LUNATIC! What is that, five times now!? Whenever we're out drinking, if the bartender's got a rifle or a pistol or whatever, you try to steal it! And we both get thrown out! What is WRONG with you!?'

'Well, I'm a smart shopper.'

'WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?'...

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Three lunatics

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.

"That's impossible says the doctor.

You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."

But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, and the doctor says
...

What's the difference between trains and ambitious lunatics?

None. They're both locomotives.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'clock this morning!!! What a lunatic!!! 3 AM!!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...

A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.

Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

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A group of lunatics are on a plane

While in the air, a lot of noise is heard from the cabin and the plane begins to violently shake. The pilot asks the copilot to go into the cabin to see what's wrong. A few minutes later, the copilot comes back into the cockpit.

"The passengers are playing football."

The pilot says "Wh...

What do you call fans of the moon?

Lunatics

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There’s a lunatic in the market defiling all of the groceries!

He’s fucking nuts!

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

If you’re the assistant to the assistant lunatic...

You’re a coconut.

An egoistic tourist goes on a tour of London.

Walking past an enormous building, he boasts "We have buildings 4 times the size of that where I'm from."

The tour guide replies "I'm not surprised. That's a lunatic asylum."

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A guy walks into a lunatic asylum

He starts yelling "I'm going to derivate you all!"

All the Napoleons and Theodor Roosevelts start to panic while one guy just starts laughing his ass off.

When asked why he's laughing he says:

"I'm e^x"

Yeah, I carry a gun. You got to. You never know when some lunatic is going to come up and say ...

"you're fired."

(c) Dave Attell

Heaven was becoming overcrowded to the point where Saint Peter asked if he could only let people in who had a really bad day before he died.

Once God approved, Peter went back to the pearly gates and saw a line. Excited about the new order he went to the first person and said, “tell me about the day you died.”

The first person said, “it was horrible, I could have sworn my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to c...

There are two lunatics in a mental asylum...

So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions.

So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor ...

I met a group of crazy people in a moon worshiping cult yesterday.

They were Lunatics.

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

A man is stranded on an island

A plane flying nearby see's his smoke signal and goes to his aid. Upon landing the pilot see's three huts.

"Thank you for saving me! I've been here longer than I can remember. " The man says.

"Where are the other survivors?" The pilot asks.

"It's just me, myself and I" says th...

Walking past a lunatic asylum

Walking past a lunatic asylum , and I could hear the inmates shouting 13, 13, 13, 13, curiosity got the better of me but the walls were too tall to see over .all the time they kept on shouting 13, 13, 13, finally I found a hole in the wall so I took a peep and some fool poked me in the eye with a st...

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

A priest and a homeless man are standing on the road in a heavy storm...

... Holding a sign that says "Turn Back, the end is Nigh!"

A car passes them, the driver yelling "Get off the road you lunatics!"

As it rounds the corner a loud crash is heard.

The homeless man then tells the priest "I told you we should've written 'Bridge out' you god damn idi...

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

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One day St. Peter is getting bored.

He is tired of looking through people's pasts and seeing if they are fit to enter heaven, so he decides that he'll only let someone in if they can make him laugh by telling him how they died.

A man walks up to the gates of heaven, and St. Peter lays down the conditions.

The man says "...

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the sec...

What kind of tick should you look out for on the full moon?

A lunatic

I was watching Trump the other day with my dad.

He put his hand on my shoulder and said "Son, once in every generation a man comes to the fore who stands up for his fellow citizens against the foreign lunatics of this world. Get the gun, we're going to America."

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

The person with the worst death gets into Heaven..

Three men die and go up to the gates of Heaven. God comes out and says there is only place for 1 person right now so he will judge and whoever had the worst death gets in.
The first person starts and says "Well I suspected my wife of cheating on me, so I came home early and walked into the bedroo...

An old man was driving along the highway...

...when a traffic emergency came on the radio.

"Attention all drivers on Highway 11, there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the road!"

The old man muttered to himself; "A lunatic? More like hundreds!"

An elderly couple is taking a Sunday drive on I-80

when the wife gets a call on her new-fangled cell-phone. Her daughter is frantic, "Mom, there is a lunatic driving the wrong way down the road on I-80 near your house!"

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Did you hear that? Some maniac is driving down the wrong side of the road!"
...

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My Grandfathers story

My Grandfather told me a story today from many years ago.

He said he and my grandmother were driving down a long and dusty back road, sun beating down on a hot summers day.

When all of a sudden, they see an elderly lady walking a long the back road. Puzzled, my Grandfather pulls over ...

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Heaven's New Rule

God was sitting with St. Peter and let him know of a new rule he wanted to implement. "If someone's last day on Earth is terrible, they get one more day."

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates ready to enact Heaven's new rule when the first soul approached.

St. Peter said "My son,...

First joke I ever learned

An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"

He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"

Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...

Apparently it's a real lunatic

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Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

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God sends Jesus back to life to see how his people are living...

Jesus wandered into a first house where a family was having dinner. They politely asked him to sit down and asked his name. Jesus said that he is Jesus and he came back to see how things are going around here. Family was of course confused and kicked him out thinking he is a lunatic.

So Jesus...

Cloud Roulette

Three men in a car get into a crash and wind up in front of Saint Peter himself.

"Ah, first vist of the day! Not that I wanted you to die..." Saint Peter looks at a small clipboard and says, "Names!"

All men respond with their full names.

"Okay then... What? That's odd... None o...

A lady was walking home late one night...

when she heard a blood curdling cry behind her. Horrifed, she whipped around and saw a raging lunatic charging headlong at her with a knife held high, bloodshot eyed and spittle flying.

Ran she did for all she is worth, screaming for help all the way, but at last she tired and stopped to ple...

A father and his son are having a phone conversation...

Son: Hello?

Father: What is it? I'm out on the highway right now.

Son: Be careful Dad, it's dangerous out there.

Father: What do you mean, "dangerous"? I've been driving down this highway for 25 years now.

Son: Well, I just heard on the news about some crazy lunatic drivi...

NASA claims that they've just discovered blood sucking bugs on the moon.

They're a bunch of lunatics.

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I was shopping in asda today....

I was shopping in Asda today and there was a weird looking child running around like a lunatic. I said to the bloke standing next to me, "that is one ugly fucking kid." He looked at me and snarled, "do you mind, that's my son over there." I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you ...

Man with a mission

A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.

Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude sta...

A guy is watching the news...

And he sees that there is a guy driving in the wrong direction on the highway. He knows that his dad is currently driving on that highway, so he calls his dad.

“Dad,” he says, “watch out. There's some lunatic driving the wrong way on the highway!”

His father replies, “There’re million...

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