I'm not a hypocrite or anything...

but people who start sentences with 'I'm not \_\_\_ or anything' suck.

My dog is vegan but he is kind of a hypocrite about it.

He has a fur coat that he always wears.

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[Nsfw] "My wife is such a hypocrite, she is dead against abortion" said husband

Friend: "So why hypocrite?"
Husband: "It's a totally different fucking story when she found out my girlfriend was pregnant!"

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!

What did the hypocrite say?

Don't be a hypocrite.

My grandad said us teenagers rely to much on technology

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

People are hypocrites

My friend got called a hero for donating a kidney, but when I turn up to donate 10 they call me a monster!

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People can be such hypocrites

They always say girls hate nice guys, but I know a lot of dudes who want to fuck an asshole

Who does a hypocrite really hate?

A hypocrite!

Why is the fungus such a hypocrite?

because it doesn't have mushroom to talk.

There are 2 things I hate in this world: (1) People who put animal names in words...

...and (2) Hypocrites

My school are such hypocrites. They promote recycled paper themselves... but when I do it?

When I recycle papers, suddenly it's "plagiarism".

Hello and welcome to Hypocrite's Anonymous.

What's your name?

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So when I pee the bed...

I am a jerk, an asshole, and asked “why do you have to get so drunk”.

But when my wife pee’s the bed it’s all “my water broke” and “the baby is coming”

Hypocrite

Jesus was such a hypocrite

Preaches waiting for marriage and all that. Meanwhile he just goes and gets nailed 3 times in one day.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite

I think hypocrisy is okay.

I hate hypocrites though.

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

What do call a disabled farmer that puts down a horse?

A Hypocrite

The Irish brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are...

The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while th...

Now I'm a tolerant guy, but...

..I hate people who make definitive decisions about other people, based only on a single personality trait. Furthermore, I can not stand hypocrites.

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man ...

If there is anything in this world i don't like

It's gingers, dyslexia, racists, and hypocrites.

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

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Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

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