UPJOKE
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People are hypocrites

My friend got called a hero for donating a kidney, but when I turn up to donate 10 they call me a monster!
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Composers are such hypocrites

They compose when they are alive and decompose when they are dead!
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Hospitals are full of hypocrites

I doctor patients for weeks and no one bats an eye, but doctoring one little PhD is apparently crossing a line.
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Hypocrite walks into a bar......

"I'll have a standard, please. Make it a double."
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My dog is vegan but he is kind of a hypocrite about it.

He has a fur coat that he always wears.
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Who does a hypocrite really hate?

A hypocrite!
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Christians are such hypocrites.

I saw a bumper sticker that said "I stand up for **GOD!**" but that dude was totally sitting in his car.
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Pat Robertson was such a hypocrite

He claimed to be pro-life and died
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I'm not a hypocrite or anything...

but people who start sentences with 'I'm not \_\_\_ or anything' suck.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

I told my dad I want to marry my grandma.

He said: "No way, you cannot possibly marry my mother!"

But him marrying my mother was totally ok? What a hypocrite.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People can be such hypocrites

They always say girls hate nice guys, but I know a lot of dudes who want to fuck an asshole

Why is the fungus such a hypocrite?

because it doesn't have mushroom to talk.
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What did the hypocrite say?

Don't be a hypocrite.
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Hello and welcome to Hypocrite's Anonymous.

What's your name?
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What do call a disabled farmer that puts down a horse?

A Hypocrite
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[Nsfw] "My wife is such a hypocrite, she is dead against abortion" said husband

Friend: "So why hypocrite?"
Husband: "It's a totally different fucking story when she found out my girlfriend was pregnant!"

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.
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I hate it when people make posts calling out about their cakeday

I also hate it when they call me a hypocrite
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Sunday service

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning.

The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church ...
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First joke I ever told. You know what a hypocrite is?

A guy that hates cats, but loves pussy.

ghandi's advice

so Ghandi is giving out some free advice and a woman goes up to him and asks him to tell her son to stop eating chocolate. Ghandi says, "okay come back in a week and I will give him some advice." So after a week the woman comes back to Ghandi and Ghandi tells the kid, "Stop eating chocolate." The wo...
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So when I pee the bed...

I am a jerk, an asshole, and asked “why do you have to get so drunk”.

But when my wife pee’s the bed it’s all “my water broke” and “the baby is coming”

Hypocrite

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite
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Three Irishman

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"<...
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"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?
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Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...
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If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites
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How do you comeback 'I know you are but what am I?"

A hypocrite
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I think hypocrisy is okay.

I hate hypocrites though.
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I hate three kinds of people:

1. Critics
2. People who dont raed their jokes before posting
3. Hypocrites
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Double standards

When a Woman gets a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when a guy orders a Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in orgasmic scream surround sound system, he is cal...

My best friend says I’m schizophrenic

I say he’s a hypocrite. Especially since I don’t exist
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The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...
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If there is anything in this world i don't like

It's gingers, dyslexia, racists, and hypocrites.
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There are 2 things I hate in this world: (1) People who put animal names in words...

...and (2) Hypocrites
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Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub, across the road from a brothel...

Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.

"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man ...
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Jesus was such a hypocrite

Preaches waiting for marriage and all that. Meanwhile he just goes and gets nailed 3 times in one day.
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