Kevin the town idiot.

A guy is with a friend. He points to another guy down the street and says "Look, that's the town idiot. I'll show you. I do this every week"

He then hollers at the other guy

" Hey Kevin! Here, a gift for you, and you get to choose! One $20 bill, or five $1 bills?"

Kevin happily ...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

What's the difference between an idiot and a moron?

An idiot is someone who drives faster than you... a moron is someone who drives slower.

How many idiots does it take to paint a wall?

101 - one to hold the brush and the other 100 to move the wall.

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel

A REALIST sees a freight train

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

I tried to find an anagram for "napping idiots."

The result was disappointing.

(A joke from ancient Rome) A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he's waiting a friend sees him and asks what he's doing. "I'm waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in." Says the idiot. "No wonder people call you an idiot" says the friend... "How do you know it's not coming in from the other gate?"

99.9% of people are idiots.

Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people

Ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot…?

…And everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock

Who's there?

The chicken

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

I just saw some idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

A genie and an idiot

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

Fool: Why do ducks walk like idiots?

Wiseman: Why do idiots walk like ducks?

How do you make an idiot confused

24

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I’ll post the punchline tomorrow.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Batman : You idiot Robin. You don't have to pee in the hall. There is a bathroom you stupid.

Robin : Sorry. What is a hroom.?

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

How many idiots does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three; one to hold the bulb and two to turn the chair

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

How do you make an idiot turn his phone upside down?

˙ǝʞoɾ qɯnp ɐ ɯᴉɥ llǝʇ no⅄

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A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

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9/10 Redditors are fucking idiots

Glad to be in that 1%

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

A village idiot walks into a library

He goes to the librarian and says, "Ma'am, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."

The librarian says, "Sure, hon. Which one?"

The idiot says, "William".

Newsreader: Coming up, an idiot will attempt something stupid soon...

...Moron that later!

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

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Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. ...

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Goldberg owns a hardware store

He needs something for his idiot son to do, so he puts him in charge of advertising and buy a big billboard on a busy highway.

Next day, Goldberg is driving by the billboard and nearly has an accident when he sees the ad: a picture of Jesus on the cross with the line "They used Goldberg's n...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

Dad, what are idiots?

\- "Are they kind of animal?" kid asks dad.

\- "No son, those are people like you and me." dad answers.

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car...

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

Town idiot got fed up of how dumb he is and decided to off himself

He hikes up the mountain to jump off the ledge. He's finally 30 feet away from the ledge when he hears an old man's voice "What r u doing up here young man?

The guy turns around and tells him about how he's the town idiot and fed up with his own stupidity and how he can't take it anymore. The...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second id...

Old woman on her deathbed

An old woman lays dying in the hospital after a long illness as her husband sits beside her. She says, "Darling, I want you to go home and look in my closet and pull down the box on the top shelf. I've been keeping a secret all these years."

The man goes home, pulls down the box and finds tha...

What do you call a farming simulator

eie.io
(Idiotic I know)

Here I am, standing at the entrance of this deep cave.

Who's that idiot inside repeating everything I shout?

All the rich idiots in my town drive BMWs.

It's the only foreign car they can spell.

I wish we cold stop idiots from being literate.

Then jokes like this would never happen.

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

Did you hear about the unintelligent phlebotomist?

He was a bloody idiot!

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I drunkenly staggered into the back of a taxi.

I burped twice and the driver glared at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £50 if you throw up on my seats," he declared.

Another enormous burp left my mouth.

Thankfully I was able to control my nausea until we stopped outside my home. One final burp filled the interior of the ca...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?"

Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

I thought that people getting mad over wearing a mask was not real, but today it happened to me as well. He told me Im an idiot for wearing a mask during a situation like this..

Like dude wtf, you're a dentist, aren't you like a doctor or something?

Once a man a was shouting at Times square " The president is an Idiot"

"The president is an Idiot" he yelled

You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him
"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China"

Cop replied "Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot"

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

How do you keep an idiot entertained for a minute?

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

>!POP!< >!POP!< >!POP!<

>!P...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

If I had a nickel every time I was called an idiot...

I'd have 4 cents

My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... who does that??

Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet

Please stop calling Congress village idiots.

Village idiots are far less useless.

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

Two scottish girls

Two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent.

Bartender said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

"Oh, I am terribly sorry about that", says the bartender

"So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"

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Toilet Pain

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screami...

Brian is hired to paint lines on the road

The first day Brian paints 2 km of the road, and the boss is very impressed.

The second day he paints 1 km of road, the boss is wondering why it's less than the day before, but gives him a chance.

The third day he only paints 500 m of road and the boss is not happy, but he is a forgivi...

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament

It should’ve been called a dead giveaway

What do you call a group of idiots?

A dim sum.

There's a hot blonde in my neighborhood and she doesn't look like an idiot to me.

I think she doesn't look to me at all.

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

What idiot called it "The Corona Virus"

When they missed a oppertunity to call it "The Kung Flu"

Two idiots want to escape prison

One says "Go to the wall, if it's short enough we'll jump over it. If it's too tall, we'll dig a tunnel."

The other one goes outside to check.

When he returns, he says "Dude, we can't escape."

"What!? Why?"

>!"There's no wall"!<

An idiot starts to work at a bakery

One day a woman comes in and asks him how much the donuts are. The idiot says “I don’t know.” The lady became annoyed and leaves the bakery. Just then the manager storms in and says, “you have to tell them they’re fifty cents!”

Next day comes, and a gentleman enters the bakery. He asks “so ho...

An american fellow visiting at an English bar notices two attractive women with thick Irish accents sitting at the booth next to him....

out of curiousity, He approaches them and asks "Excuse me, are you two ladies from England?
One of the women gets mad and yellls "ITS WALES, YOU IDIOT!!!"

So after a Deep shock.... the gentleman responds "Excuse Me, are you two Whales from England"?

A was talking with a friend of mine and she

told me that she was pregnant with twins. I told her; ok what's the matter and she answers;Since they're twins, will I be pregnant for nine or 18 months? And I'm answering her, don't worry about that. Worry about the possibility that kids might be idiots like you.

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A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

Old Russian joke. Russia has 2 major problems: roads and idiots. One of them can be solved by a road roller...

But it's impossible to figure out what to do with roads.

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

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I am a fucking idiot

Oh, wait.

*ahem*

I don’t vaccinate my children

I just asked Alexa to play ‘American Idiot’.

I’m now listening to Donald Trump’s latest press conference.

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

A truck driver reverses down a mountain road

A policeman stops him and asks: "Why are you driving up backwards?"

Driver replies: "My boss said there's no place to turn around."

A little later the truck comes back down, again in reverse.

The policeman asks: "Why are you reversing down now?"

The driver replies: "The b...

How do you confuse an idiot?

Summer

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

A russian man was arrested...

A man in russia was arrested and sentenced to 25yrs in gulag.

He was sentenced 5yrs for saying gorbachev was an idiot, and a 20yr sentence for revealing state secrets.

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Two idiots were boasting to each other.

"Back in my home town, we were so poor that we ate the lizards crawling on our walls." Says Manny.

"Oh yeah? In my home town we ate literal shit just to survive." Jinkee said.

Manny then proceeds to take a shit on his hand. "Alright then. Eat this."

Jinkee says, "Why? We're no...

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Like a fucking idiot, I left my apartment door unlocked and some prick came in and took a shit

Yeah, so when I get home, I find two turds floating in the toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were three.

I got your back

You spineless idiot

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

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A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My teacher pointed a scale at me and said "at the end of this scale, there is an idiot"

Then i asked something and she sent me out of the class.

Apparently, asking "at which end?" did not amuse her.

I got knocked off my bike by a salt spreading truck last winter.

"You IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth.

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