UPJOKE
fertilizerfecescompostgreen manurenitrogenpigagriculturesoilexcrementcattlelivestockdungpasturemuckcow

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspecti...

I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.

Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.

Patient: Doctor, can you give me anything to help with my halitosis?

Doctor: Take a spoon of horse manure twice a day.

Patient: Will that cure it?

Doctor: No, but it will take the edge off the smell.

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I was at the garden supply center and noticed the price of manure has almost doubled.

Shit's getting expensive.

My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.

I said, “You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.”

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Home Depot said they had bags of manure on the floor of the garden section.

Lying sacks of shit.

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Our teacher had us bring cow manure for science.

Was the first time I gave a shit about assignments.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

Three doctors walk into a bar…

They all sit down at the bar and order drinks.

They tell each other about some of their biggest surgeries.

The first one takes a sip of his drink and sets it down on the bar.

“I had a guy walk into the ER last week who was in a terrible construction accident. He lost his whole ...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

Manure isn't the best fertilizer ...

but it's a solid number two.

What happens when you run out of manure on a farm?

You have to make doo.

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My customers don’t appreciate how high quality the manure I sell them is.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

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I just took the manure truck across the scales

It weighed a shit ton

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A neighboring farmer tried to sell me fake manure

I called bullshit

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So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps...

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What did the Indian say when he saw cow manure?

Holy shit!

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

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My friend just sent me an email where he misspelled the word "maneuver" into the word "manure."

What a sack of shit.

My dad swears by putting horse manure on his rhubarb

But I find it tastes much better with custard

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Why couldn't the manure farmer fix his fence?

Because he had a shitpost.

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

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I sell manure to pay my gas bill...

Shit gets me heated

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A Native American walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

The Native American says to the bartender, "Me want beer!"

The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Native American a tall glass of beer. The Native American drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the s...

John Deere's manure spreader...

...is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

My local garden centre is doing buy one, get one free on manure.

Now that's an offer not to be sniffed at.

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

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I planted some bamboo and fertilized it with manure.

I'm not sure if it'll grow, though; it's a crap shoot.

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Apparently, there exist a group of people who smear cow manure on their faces as an act of worship.

Personally, I think it's bullshit.

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

The roof job

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.

Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and ...

A joke or not

Subject: The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the f...

Two flies are sitting on a steaming pile of horse manure.

One of the flies grunts and breaks wind. The other fly says, "Geez! Do you mind? I"m trying to eat over here!"

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

A group of friends go camping.

They have a rule: whoever is the first to complain about the cooking has to cook the next dinner.

The first evening, they draw straws to see who has to cook first. The new cook does a decent job with their dinner that evening and no one complains. He’s not happy about having to cook, though.<...

Two flies land on a pile of manure.

One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do you mind? I’m eating here.”

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Learning the ways..

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Red Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, p...

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Little Timmy goes to a farm with his school

The farmer there was talking about how manure helps the plants by nourishing the soil. Timmy immediately asks the teacher to call his mother. When the teacher asked why, He said
"I heard mom saying she got a lot of shit on her hands right now".

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What do you call a person that sells cow poop?

An entre-manure

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second id...

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A man dies and ends up in Hell...

When he arrives, the Devil is there to greet him. "Welcome to Hell!" he says, "Now that you're here, you must choose from one of three kingdoms to spend the rest of eternity in. Be warned, however: once you make your choice, you can never leave that kingdom!"

So the devil takes the man to the...

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A farmer calls a carpenter to fix his fence

The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. The man explains that the support columns are not strong enough and that his fence keeps falling over.

The carpenter asks "What are your suport columns made of?"

The farmer replies "They are made out of cow manure."

The carp...

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Ran into an old friend and they asked me "how's it going"?

I sighed a bit and answered "Well, things could be better actually. Yeah, I had to find a way out of that business I'd started."

They said, "Oh, really?"

"I'd done some research and found out that female cow manure had less nutrients in it than male manure. Something to do with the nu...

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

I saw a guy growing rhubarb the other week

I asked him what he put on his

“Horse manure” he replied

“That’s odd, I put custard on mine”

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

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The tale of Old Joe

There once was a man named Paul who, after some trouble with the law, found himself homeless behind a fast food joint just outside of Wichita, Kansas. He stayed there for a few days, drinking from the bathroom sinks and eating scraps from the trash, when an old rancher named Joe found him and took p...

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I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

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The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

Berry good

Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberr...

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One day, buzzard and rabbit were talking.

The buzzard says "Rabbit, I'm tired of the country life. This hard work is not for me. I'm going to move to the city and get rich." So buzzard packed up his things and moved to the city. In fact, he stayed true to his word and made it big. He bought a luxurious mansion just outside of the big city...

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Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

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A man dies and goes to hell

He meets Satan and is told he has the choice of three rooms to spend the rest of eternity in. They enter the first room where hundreds of people are standing on their heads on top of concrete flooring. The man asks to see the next room as he can't imagine having to withstand all that pain for all of...

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My favorite joke as a kid: Brothers in the Hayloft

Two brothers were in the hayloft of their barn finishing their chores for the day. Just as the sun was setting, one of them accidentally kicked the ladder over. Now the only way to get down was to jump into a pile of manure, but they couldn't remember how deep it was, and they couldn't see it since ...

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Bob ,did you know.............??

**JIM**: Bob ,did you know people eat manure in some parts of the world?

**BOB**: Thats pure bullshit!!!

**JIM**: Exactly.

A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil explains to him, "We have a new program here. You get to choose one of three rooms in which to spend eternity.
The devil takes him to the first room. Inside are a large number of naked people, all standing on their heads. He takes the man to the second room. Inside are more people, ...

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

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General Custer's Wife

So General Custer's wife goes to an artist and asks the man to draw her husband's finally words.

A few days later, she returns to the artist. The painting he's made consists of several piles of manure that have halos, and a group of Native Americans that appear to be having sex.

Irate,...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar with a handful of fresh dog manure and says to the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in."

(from Garrison Keillor)

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Two strangers discussing religion

So, a woman sits beside a sharply dressed man in a flight to Tokyo.

Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.

"Well, first I’ve got a question for you", said the woman.

"Cow...

I met a disgruntled farmer in the pub today

“You look disgruntled,” I said. “What’s the story?”

“I ordered a couple of tons of manure,” he replied gloomily. “It arrived today.”

“Is that bad?”

“Well, you see, it was fake.”

“Fake?”

“Yes, fake manure.”

“I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

“Well,...

A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...

He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.

He found he pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. H...

Scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research...

The scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research and take a vacation on their friend's farm. On their first day there, Watson and Crick take a walk around the farm. First, they notice pigs oinking like crazy when they realize the truck that takes them to market has pulled up. Next, t...

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"Do you know any shit puns?" I asked my dad.

He said, "Manure stupid."

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A bad man arrives at hell...

He looks around and there's *grass* everywhere! He asks the demon gatekeeper about it and he's told, "the Mormons are irrigating again."

There are three doors at the entrance to hell, and he's told by the demon to choose one to spend eternity behind. "Can I look to see what's behind them," as...

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[OC] Father's advice.

A 14 year old boy goes to his rich farmer father and tells him that he keeps getting random erections, and he doesn't know what to do.

His father tells him to get a bucket of manure, and to stick his dick in it whenever he gets an erection.

During the winter months, the boy decides to ...

What is the difference between Donald Trump and a bucket of cow manure?

the bucket

3 doctors boasting...

3 doctors are sitting down with a drink boasting about their exploits. The first doctor says: "I once I got a guy who had an accident in the shop. The whole arm ripped off. I sewed everything back tight. The guy was stronger than ever. He now pitches in the Major League."

Not to be out...

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So, a guy walks around and happens upon an enormous pile of...

...manure. Just yuuuge. And as he was about to walk around, he spots a little girl. About six or seven, with a shovel firmly in her hands, determined and serious look on her face, a little bow on her hair, poor kid's dirty and smelly, and standing off on one side of the pile and digging. Zealously. ...

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Something about an optimist and a pessimist. I couldn't think of a good title for this one.

Once upon a time, there was a mom and dad that had two children.
One of them was an optimist, the other a pessimist. Wanting to
understand why the two children were so different, they consulted
a psychiatrist, who set up an experiment to help figure it out.

The psychiatrist led the...

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The executive is overworked and decide to take some time off and visit his farmer cousins...

The executive is overworked getting stressed and decide to take some time off from work and visit his cousins who live in a farm in the country side.
He calls his cousin who is more than happy to have him over since they haven't seen each other in years.
When the executive gets there he no...

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There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

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An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke...

He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before.

He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, "Why the long face...

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Circle flies

A old farmer is carting a load of manure down the road when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop, comes up to the truck and starts giving the old farmer a hard time about how much the load smells and just generally aggravating him.

Waving his hands in the air, he tells the man, "whew! These...

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Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STE...

my face popped a vessel during this

I was at work today, just pricing a huge shipment of tools. This random customer comes up to me, he says Hello. I reply with a kind gesture. He then proceeds with this:
Customer "Do you know what a cougar is?"
Me "yep"
Customer "So, you know that there are two kinds?"
I giggled a bit ...

Aino and Toivo were working on a barn roof one day...

Aino and Toivo were working on a barn roof one day when the wind happened to knock over their ladder. Being a few stories up they had no easy way to get down, save for a large pile of manure. Anio tells Toivo he will jump first and yell up how deep it is, to make sure its safe. A few seconds later T...

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A barnyard parable...

A young bird left late on his first southern migration and was caught in an early freezing rain causing him to land in a barnyard, unable to fly and freezing to death.

As he crouched there shivering and freezing to death, by chance the last of the farmer's cows plopped a load of manure on the...

Yuppie buys a house in the country

A Yuppie decides to buy a plot of land in the countryside and build a house. Unfortunately, his neighbor is an old farmer who likes to spread his cows' manure on his fields every time the Yuppie throws a backyard cookout.


So one day the Yuppie sees the farmer and lets him know that he's g...

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