What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

Ghosts are really terrible liars

You can see right through them.

My high school history teacher was a friggin liar!!!

She would say on a regular basis "history has a tendency to repeat it's self"

To this day I've never seen reruns of the news

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

I can't believe I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning..

And they've already made me president.

What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?

Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

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What do you call a person who say they don’t masturbate?

A liar

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There are two kinds of liars when it comes to masturbation......

The ones that say they’ve never done it and the ones that say they’ve stopped.

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

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A paedophile, a rapist, a cheat, and a liar walk in to a bar...

Bartender says: What can I get for you Mr. President?

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60% of people are liars and 90% of people pull numbers from their ass

This is 100% true

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

Son: Mom you are such a liar!

Mom: What?
Son: You told me that lil Johnny is an Angel.
Mom: He sure is.
Son: Then how come he didn’t fly when I threw him out of the window...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

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Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

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A Therapist said to their Patient: "You're a pathological liar!"

The patient replied: "Well I have always wanted to be a politician".

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Well known fact.

95% of reddit users are sad lonely wankers....

The other 5% are liars.......

me : im a compulsive liar

friend: really?

me: no

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My Ass is a liar!

It is so full of shit!

Traveling salesmen and the farmer

A traveling salesmen is driving through the country one evening when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains his situation and kindly asks to use his phone.

The farmer replies “Well we haven’t got a phone here, but ...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson?

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

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What do you call a girl who never masturbates?

You call her a liar

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

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My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar

Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

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What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?

A liar

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What do people with constipation and liars have in common?

They're both full of shit.

If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie?

Only if he's standing up!

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What do you call someone who doesn’t jerk off?

A liar

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What do you call a Native American who's a habitual liar?

Shitting Bull

A racist, a liar and a misogynist walks into a bar

The bartender greeted “Good evening, Mr. President!”

What's the strangest type of liar?

A peculiar.

Three liars were together talking

The first one said, "I once was in the woods, and 4 lions came to me, and I had one gun, one bullet and one steal plate, so I tossed the plate in the air, shot the plate, broke it into 4 pieces and each peace killed a lion and they died"

The second one said, "Me too, but there was only 2 lio...

Never again will I be the same.

I just read this somewhere"the best liar you know isn't the best liar you know".

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A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –

– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

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Damn Liar

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he ha JJs a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he ...

A notorious liar walks into a bar and shouts "Hi folks ! It's me !"

But it wasn't him.

The biggest liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I di...

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

There are 2 kinds of people in the world: (1) People that pick their nose.

(2) Liars.

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

Why are drag queens such terrible liars?

Because even after covering up what they don't want people to see, they can't keep a straight face.

What happens to liars when they die?

They lie still.

I keep telling everyone I’m a pathological liar.

But they won’t believe me.

“Doctor!! I told you, I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat. Why do you keep calling me a liar!?”

Doctor: “Sir I’ll say it again, that’s A- Fib.”

Liar Cop

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop give...

I have 12 eyes, 4 legs, and 3 stomachs, What Am I?

A liar

My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!

He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

my father, a massive liar, told me he'd been shot...

I said 'I can see right through you'

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.

That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

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A farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Can you do any manual farm work?", asked the farmer.

The man said, "A bit sure, but I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I could use a little he...

What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar?

an outlier

downvote brigade can start now

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What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't mustarbate?

A liar.

Edit: sorry for writing the word "masturbate" wrongly.
Once i failed to notice, now i can't correct the title.

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...

"How long?" the first one asks.

"Fifteen years. You?"

"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"

"For nothing."

"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

A girl is talking to her dog.

“The neighbours say you’ve been chasing people riding on a bike,” she says.

“Liars,” the dog says. “I don’t have a bike.”

Atoms are huge liars

They make up everything.

Mom mom! In the school some people called me a liar!

Shut up son, you don't even go to school.

A man is sent to gulag for 20 years

The guards ask: what did you do?

The man replies: Nothing

The guard angrily shouts: Liar! for nothing you get only 5 years

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A compulsive liar walks into a doctor's office claiming to be constipated...

The doctor tells him he's full of shit.

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What tool should a good liar use?

A Bong, so they can blow more smoke up your ass.

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

A Child Molester, a Priest and a Liar walk into a bar.

His name was John.

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A pathological liar once told me he was constipated

I reckon he was full of shit

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

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There are two types of men in this world

Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars

A Liar Paradox walks into a bar.

This joke practically tells itself.

At least George Micheal wasn't a liar.

Last Christmas he gave us his heart.

The Liar Ant

I saw an ant in the kitchen so I placed a sugar cube in front of her.

She inspected it and went to tell her friends, then I quickly hid the sugar cube coz I wanted them to think she's a liar.

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?

Small, medium and liar.

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What do you call a woman who says she isn’t with you for your money?

A liar
(Fuck you Linda)

A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar...

"Let's make America great again!" he said.

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A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.

A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "welcome Senator Clinton, what are you having today?"
5 minutes later Donald Trump walks in. He leans over, and with a smile on his face says "the media are really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You ...

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