UPJOKE
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What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

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Liar

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. “Evening, boys. What are you doing?” “Nothing much, Pastor,” replied the one lad. “We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life.” “Boys, boys, boys!” intoned the minister. “I'm shocked. When I was you...

Why are skeletons such bad liars?

Because you can see right through them.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

What is the most common digestive issue among pathological liars?

IBS!!

Liars are just like atoms

They make everything up

What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?

Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

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A sexual predator, a pathological liar, and a racist walk into a bar

The bartender says, “What’ll it be, Mr. President?”

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

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The compulsive liar goes to the doctor

Patient: "Doctor I'm constipated! I haven't been to the bathroom for 10 whole weeks!"

Doctor: "I think you are full of shit!"

Patient: "That's what I'm saying!"

I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

That wife of mine is a liar

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."

"So?"<...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

Son: Mom you are such a liar!

Mom: What?
Son: You told me that lil Johnny is an Angel.
Mom: He sure is.
Son: Then how come he didn’t fly when I threw him out of the window...

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

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Damn Liar

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he ha JJs a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he ...

My high school history teacher was a friggin liar!!!

She would say on a regular basis "history has a tendency to repeat it's self"

To this day I've never seen reruns of the news

me : im a compulsive liar

friend: really?

me: no

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My Ass is a liar!

It is so full of shit!

I can't believe I only joined Liars Anonymous this morning..

And they've already made me president.

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I keep feeling that everyone thinks I'm a liar'

'I find that very hard to believe' says the Doctor.

The biggest liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I di...

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

Liar Cop

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop give...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular...

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I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

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I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?"

I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"

"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabberg...

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There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower

And fucking liars.

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

What's the strangest type of liar?

A peculiar.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

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A Therapist said to their Patient: "You're a pathological liar!"

The patient replied: "Well I have always wanted to be a politician".

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There are two kinds of liars when it comes to masturbation......

The ones that say they’ve never done it and the ones that say they’ve stopped.

Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ...

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60% of people are liars and 90% of people pull numbers from their ass

This is 100% true

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!

He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

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Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
...

Three liars were together talking

The first one said, "I once was in the woods, and 4 lions came to me, and I had one gun, one bullet and one steal plate, so I tossed the plate in the air, shot the plate, broke it into 4 pieces and each peace killed a lion and they died"

The second one said, "Me too, but there was only 2 lio...

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

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It’s my cake day, so here’s a joke!

what do you call someone that doesn’t masturbate?




A liar.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

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My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar

Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

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What do you call a Native American who's a habitual liar?

Shitting Bull

The Liar Ant

I saw an ant in the kitchen so I placed a sugar cube in front of her.

She inspected it and went to tell her friends, then I quickly hid the sugar cube coz I wanted them to think she's a liar.

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

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What do people with constipation and liars have in common?

They're both full of shit.

If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie?

Only if he's standing up!

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

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What tool should a good liar use?

A Bong, so they can blow more smoke up your ass.

When I was a kid some guy said he slept with my mom last night. I told him he was a liar, cos I slept with my mom last night.

Looking back, I now realize what I said

The devil is surprised one day to find a habitual liar, a pervert, an idiot and a man in a wheelchair entering hell.

Still, he keeps his professional demeanor and extends a warm welcome saying, "Greetings, Representative Cawthorn. You're just in time, the daily GOP cocaine orgy is just beginning."

Why are drag queens such terrible liars?

Because even after covering up what they don't want people to see, they can't keep a straight face.

What happens to liars when they die?

They lie still

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

Friend of mine told me he is a compulsive liar.

Don't believe he is telling me the truth.

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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

I keep telling everyone I’m a pathological liar.

But they won’t believe me.

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.

That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

The waitress told me I could ask her 'anything about the menu'

What a liar. She had no idea who printed it or where the paper came from.

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A pathological liar once told me he was constipated

I reckon he was full of shit

At least George Micheal wasn't a liar.

Last Christmas he gave us his heart.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –

– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

What does a Jamaican Liar sit on?

Deceit.

A Child Molester, a Priest and a Liar walk into a bar.

His name was John.

A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar...

"Let's make America great again!" he said.

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