What does a liar do after he dies?

He lies still.

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60% of people are liars and 90% of people pull numbers from their ass

This is 100% true

Two knights, Harold and George, had captured by trolls and taken to their underground liar.

The trolls leader told Harold and George that if the two fought each other without killing one another, they would both be let go, however, this would come at a price:

If Harold lost, he would have his hands cut off, while if George lost, he would have his feet cut off. And the winner would h...

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There are two kinds of liars when it comes to masturbation......

The ones that say they’ve never done it and the ones that say they’ve stopped.

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

Son: Mom you are such a liar!

Mom: What?
Son: You told me that lil Johnny is an Angel.
Mom: He sure is.
Son: Then how come he didn’t fly when I threw him out of the window...

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A Therapist said to their Patient: "You're a pathological liar!"

The patient replied: "Well I have always wanted to be a politician".

me : im a compulsive liar

friend: really?

me: no

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystifie...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

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A paedophile, a rapist, a cheat, and a liar walk in to a bar...

Bartender says: What can I get for you Mr. President?

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

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My Ass is a liar!

It is so full of shit!

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

My wife is a liar

"That wife of mine is a liar." said an angry man to his pal seated with him at the bar.

"How do you know?" the friends asks

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she spent the night with her sister Shirley"

"So? What the problem" the f...

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The Older Woman Speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ...

Now with the new lockdown, they told me I could go to the supermarket with just a mask and I'll be ok....

F-ing liars... everyone else had clothes on too!!!

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What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

Liar!!

Ghosts are terrible liars...

You can see right through them.

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

Three liars were together talking

The first one said, "I once was in the woods, and 4 lions came to me, and I had one gun, one bullet and one steal plate, so I tossed the plate in the air, shot the plate, broke it into 4 pieces and each peace killed a lion and they died"

The second one said, "Me too, but there was only 2 lio...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

A racist, a liar and a misogynist walks into a bar

The bartender greeted “Good evening, Mr. President!”

Two Russians meet in a prison cell...

"How long?" the first one asks.

"Fifteen years. You?"

"Ten, for politics. What're you in for?"

"For nothing."

"Liar! For nothing, you get five years!"

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A farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Can you do any manual farm work?", asked the farmer.

The man said, "A bit sure, but I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I could use a little he...

A girl is talking to her dog.

“The neighbours say you’ve been chasing people riding on a bike,” she says.

“Liars,” the dog says. “I don’t have a bike.”

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

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My doctor just told me I’m a compulsive liar

Then she gave me a blowjob before I left.

A man is sent to gulag for 20 years

The guards ask: what did you do?

The man replies: Nothing

The guard angrily shouts: Liar! for nothing you get only 5 years

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What do you call a Native American who's a habitual liar?

Shitting Bull

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What do people with constipation and liars have in common?

They're both full of shit.

If a liar says that he's lying, would that be a lie?

Only if he's standing up!

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A penis says to his balls, “I’ll take you two to a party.” The balls replied, “you fuckin’ liar‽!! –

– ...you always go inside alone and leave us outside knocking.”

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

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Damn Liar

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he ha JJs a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he ...

A notorious liar walks into a bar and shouts "Hi folks ! It's me !"

But it wasn't him.

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

“Doctor!! I told you, I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat. Why do you keep calling me a liar!?”

Doctor: “Sir I’ll say it again, that’s A- Fib.”

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There are two types of men in this world

Those who have tried to suck their dick, and liars

A man buys a robot that slaps liars

He puts it on the dinner table, and explains what it is. He then asks his son where he was today when he should have been at school.

"I was at school!" The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the cinema."

"Who were you with and what did you watch?" The father asks.

"I was with...

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What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't mustarbate?

A liar.

Edit: sorry for writing the word "masturbate" wrongly.
Once i failed to notice, now i can't correct the title.

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

What do you call someone that doesn't like lying in bed?

A liar.

My chemistry teacher is a damn liar!

He said that alcohol is a solvent. I've been drinking for years and it hasn't solved any of my problems.

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

The biggest liar

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I di...

Man goes for a run, but not for a reason you may think.

Rick: “Honey, I’m home!”

Wife: “Oh my, you’re certainly sweating a lot! Did you finally go for a run?”

Rick: “That’s right, but-“

Wife: “I’m so proud of you! You should go running more often-“

Rick: “But-“

Someone knocks on the door.

Wife: “Who is it?”
...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

I keep telling everyone I’m a pathological liar.

But they won’t believe me.

What kind of egg do you give to a habitual liar?

A fiberge egg.

Liar Cop

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop give...

The short version of a long joke

Bernie brags at a bar that he knows lots of celebrities, including Clint Eastwood. When Phil calls him a liar, they bet on it, and Bernie takes him to Clint's house, where Bernie receives a warm welcome.

Weeks later Bernie brags about knowing the queen of England. Sure enough, Phil scoffs at...

A Child Molester, a Priest and a Liar walk into a bar.

His name was John.

What happens to liars when they die?

They lie still.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

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What do you call a woman who says she isn’t with you for your money?

A liar
(Fuck you Linda)

What are the 3 sizes of condoms?

Small, medium and liar.

A Belarusian joke

A guy is walking down the street in Minsk, the capital of Belarus very close to the protests when suddenly a police car full of cops pulls up. The cops jump out of the car and start beating up the guy.

The poor guy then yells: "No, please, stop! I voted for Lukashenko!"

One of the cops...

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.

That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

my father, a massive liar, told me he'd been shot...

I said 'I can see right through you'

A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

An American explains to a Russian...

that the United States has freedom of the press, and their journalists won't get pushed out of windows, for example, if they write an article that says Donald Trump is a liar.

The Russian says that this is nonsense, because journalists in Russia can easily write an article without fear of ret...

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

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A pathological liar once told me he was constipated

I reckon he was full of shit

What do you call a vegetarian zombie?

A liar.



(as told to me by my 11 y.o.)

What do you call a programmer that doesn't use Stack Overflow?

A liar.

The riot police is beating a guy in Minsk violently...

The guy covers his face and screams "Please, don't beat me, I voted for Lukashenko!"
The policeman pauses, screams "You liar! Nobody voted for Lukashenko" and keeps beating him.

Mom mom! In the school some people called me a liar!

Shut up son, you don't even go to school.

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1 Guacamole

Does it have 6x10^23 guacs or Avagadro was just fucking liar ?

Atoms are huge liars

They make up everything.

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar?

an outlier

downvote brigade can start now

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A compulsive liar walks into a doctor's office claiming to be constipated...

The doctor tells him he's full of shit.

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What's the difference between a liar and a psychopath?

A psychopath wouldn't fuck a coconut.

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Dangers of AI ( no relation to Alexa)

One day a dad comes home from work, with anew robot he's been working on.

During dinner he shows it to the family, explaining that how it detects liars and slaps them.

Dad: what did you do today son?

Son: went to school.

The robot promptly slaps the son.

Dad: are y...

My wife left me, saying I was a compulsive liar

Atleast I think that's what she said... I was busy wrestling a tiger at the time.

A liar, a cheat, and a bigot walked into a bar...

"Let's make America great again!" he said.

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A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.

A liar, a sexist, and a criminal walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "welcome Senator Clinton, what are you having today?"
5 minutes later Donald Trump walks in. He leans over, and with a smile on his face says "the media are really tearing you apart for that Scandal."
Hillary: "You ...

At least George Micheal wasn't a liar.

Last Christmas he gave us his heart.

Rio is full of liars, cheaters, thieves, and drug abusers.

And that's just the athletes.

Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ...

A Liar Paradox walks into a bar.

This joke practically tells itself.

A friend once told me if I don't love someone anymore, then I should leave them.

Turns out he was a liar; I tried all morning and failed to leave myself.

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