My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

Some douche bag stole my anti-depressants from my bathroom during a house party.

I hope he's happy now.

What do you call it when you get cleaned up right before someone eats you out?

An amuse-douche.

Why does Ms. Piggy use honey and vinegar douche?

Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Some douche bag hit me from behind in the street yesterday and ran off with my limbo stick.

I mean really, how low can you go? |

Man Bun? or Douche Knot?

neither, it's a fairy tail.

How many douches does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.

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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

Celebs at the Pearly Gates

Queen Elizabeth II and Dolly Parton are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter approaches and greets them.

He says "Greetings! It's not often that we have such women of notoriety join us at the same time! However we're swamped today and can only let one of you through, so you're going to...

What is a female " Douchebag" in France called??

A douche-baguette

Pregnant Babysitter

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant! Ask how?

He punctured all my Condoms with a pin.

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

What sound does a fratboy make when he hits the water?

DOUCHE

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Pfft, nice belt douche bag.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but are told only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.


St. Peter lets Queen Elizabe...

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A couple walks into a pharmacy looking for anal wash

"Do you guys have an asshole douche?"

They all point to the manager.

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Pamela Anderson and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day... (one of my dad's favorites)

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and says, "I'm sorry ladies, but I only have room for one of you. Prove to me that you're the best candidate for Heaven." Pam, thinking this one's in the bag, flashes Saint Peter her tits. "Very nice, Pam", he says. Queen Elizabeth, thinking for a momen...

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6ft Asshole

So I was headed to work this morning and I was running late. I had the cruise set at 80mph and I crested a hill and there sits a cop running his radar.
Needless to say, he lights me up and I get pulled over.
Cop walks up and asks, "What's the rush... Where you headed in such a hurry?"
"I'm ...

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Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Positi...

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that
day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some
particular reason why she should go to heaven,
so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect ones God ever created,
and I'm proud to own them.

St. Peter th...

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Derrick goes to Asian night at the club.....

Derrick (a white american) learned that his Chinese friend has an american name (Joey) and a Chinese name (Yao). He has the yellow fever so he tests his luck at the local bar for Asian night. He musters the courage to talk to one of the girls at the bar.






"Hey what's your C...

Big truck accident

A large truck was hauling water. Next thing I know, a truck hauling vinegar smashed into the water truck. It was very loud, all I could hear was a large *douche*!

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So the Queen of England and Dolly Pardon both due on the same day,

When they get to heaven St. Peters says, I only have room for one more person to get into heaven, so you have to tell me why you deserve to get in. Dolly Pardon grabs her boobs and says this is the best pair God ever made I deserve to get into heaven. The Queen of England, without missing a beat gra...

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My Blasphemous Joke..

So, Dolly Parton and the Queen of England somehow end up dying at the same moment and find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

He tells them both that there's only enough room for one of them to pass, so they need to prove themselves.

Dolly Parton simply opens her blo...

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