This coffee tastes like dirt

Well it was ground this morning

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One of them draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face!”

That was the punchline.

Get Your Own Dirt

God was once approached by a scientist who said, “Listen God, we’ve decided we don’t need you anymore. These days we can clone people, transplant organs and do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.”

God replied, “Don’t need me huh? How about we put your theory to the test...

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

This girl told me her boyfriend treated her like dirt.

Does that mean he plowed you and planted his seed in you?

When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

After months, the person who keeps piling dirt on my land is now using sand.

The plot thickens.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

What's the difference between a dirt bus station and lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a boy is walking down an old dirt road...

arms full of duck tape and he comes across an cabin with an old man sitting on the front porch. The old man sees the boy and says, "Say son, what'cha need all that duck tape for?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

"Boy!! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* ducks with no *DAMN* duck tape!...

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

Why couldn’t the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

How much dirt is in a 12 x 6 x 3 hole?

None. It’s a hole.

As an ex-hippie I think dirt is groovy, man.

I really dig it.

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

I used to be addicted to dirt

But now I'm clean

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human...

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

I once got in a fight with a pile of dirt...

The pile of dirt won by a landslide.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happened when the two assholes rode their dirt bikes too fast?

They rectum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harley and Vaseline (I know...old as dirt, but...)

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in...

A man was driving along a dirt road when he noticed a chicken on the side of the road...

but on closer inspection he noticed the chicken had four legs.

'Four legs?!' He thought, I'd better get closer to get a photo. So he drives up after the chicken, who starts running away from the man. The man accelerates to catch up, but the chicken just powers ahead - that motherclucker was ...

My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.

I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving his car along a dirt road...

when the car suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The man has the hood up and is looking at the engine, when he hears a voice behind him say:
"It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."
He looks around, but there is not a soul in sightin either direction. Then, he notices a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Agent K: Hey slick, this coffee kinda tastes like dirt...

Agent J: What do you expect, it was ground this morning!

I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't mo...

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path

One of them has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other redneck asks how many chickens are inside.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck "If you can guess how many ...

Irish dirt farmers

There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food.

Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree.

The mother wakes up, sees the m...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows....

What Do You Call A Chicken That Crosses The Road, Rolls In The Dirt, Crosses The Road, And Again Rolls In The Dirt?

A Dirty Double-Crossing Chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross back over?

Because he's a dirty double crosser.

How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?

A Terra Bite

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner, and someone who drives a Harley Davidson?

Position of the dirt bag.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats the difference between a dirts bus stop and a crab with big boobs?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito?

Deeeeeeeeeeengue

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

The location of the dirtbag.

What do you call a hundred black men buried up to their necks in dirt?

Afroturf

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two guys were walking together down a dirt road…

…when they come to this big green space. The first guy says, "Let's cut through here," and walks on it. The other guy just goes around. The first guy looks back and says, "What are you doing? Why don't you go this way?" The other guy replies, "Nice try, Jesus. I know what pond scum looks like."

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lost goat

So these two redneck guys are walking through a forest and hunting for squirrels and rodents and shit. They come across a giant sink hole in a wide open cut of the forest. One redneck says to the other “ I wonder how deep this here hole is.” The other redneck says “let’s find something to throw in t...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

A Brunette, Red head and a Blonde are on a quick getaway from the police.

The Brunette turns to the other two. "Look!" she says, pointing to an old beat up barn over the hill, "let's go hide in there!". So they pull off down the dirt road and park in front of this barn and run inside. As they walk in, they notice a big stack of large burlap sacks. The Red Head gets the br...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at work on the day of his marriage anniversary...

However, on the same day, his incredibly hot secretary confesses her feelings and offers to have sex with him.

Because he had been stressed over work, the man takes her up on her offer, and the two make love at a nearby hotel room. They went at it so hard to the point that neither realized i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.

&#x200B;
...

Digging a hole

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

A physicist moved from the country to the noise of the inner city...

And found the noise there insufferable. But, being a man of science he lined the walls of his apartment with broken Hoover's, Dirt Devil's, and Dyson's, because sound can't travel through a Vacuum.

Upstanding bulls

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, a...

A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.

The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"

"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

The Chinese Workman

An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has ma...

I like my women like I like my coffee...

Imported for dirt cheap from third-world countries.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex with teacher...

Boy confides to his father he had sex with his teacher.

The father says "Don't tell your mother I said this but I'm proud of you. In fact, I'm going to buy you that new dirt bike you've been wanting."


A week later the father says "It doesn't look like you've ridden your new dirt bi...

20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows another way to get the dirt out from my sneakers, I'm all ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheap cadillac

In a cadillac showroom in New York a man asks the salesman: "How much for the red cadillac?"

The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."

The man is stunned about the price and asks: "If I buy 2 cars, how much would that be?"

The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."

N...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

A guy dies and is sent to hell

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and tells him he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing on their heads on a brick floor The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The g...

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

So I get home yesterday...

...and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbors raise these rabbits for some competitions and they have won blue ribbons. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing hap...

A Guy was digging a hole

A guy was digging a hole and when he finished he asked his friend “Now what am I going to do with all this dirt?” His friend said “well, why don’t you dig another hole and put the dirt in there”

Cop: know how fast u were going;

Me: obviously. I have a speedometer.
Cop: i know that
Me: then why did u ask
Cop: [looking down moving toe around the dirt] I just wanted to talk

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Lion king and Pumba

One day a lion goes down to the local waterhole where a bunch of wild boars are jumping and laying around in the mud, thoroughly enjoying themselves oinking and such getting dirty.

The lion watching, decides to give it a try too and jumps in the mud and starts rolling around, getting covered ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man travels thousands of miles to seek the wisdom of a famous, old yogi...

The man flies to the remote little country where the yogi lives isolated in the mountains

He lands at the airport and takes a bus as far as it will take him, to a little town at the base of the mountains.

He rents a pack animal to take him as far as the animal will go up the mountain, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

Politics is like window cleaning...

...the dirt is always on the other side!

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
Aft...