UPJOKE
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How much dirt is in a 6 foot deep hole?

There isn’t any; it’s a hole.

Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?

Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.

*edit* And a such GOOD one, yes he IS!

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad

A man is driving down an old dirt road

As he is driving he notices there are very few houses nearby, as he is enjoying the scenery he runs his car over into the ditch. As it had recently rained the ditch was slick and muddy and he had found himself stuck. He realizes his predicament so he starts walking. He walks up to a house and see's ...

Debra is the office gossip, always ready to find dirt on her coworkers and spread it around the office.

One day, on her lunch break, Debra sees one of her coworkers’ son sharing a meal with a woman who is clearly not his wife. Knowing that this could be the drama of the century, Debra gets in her car and follows them to a house, then takes pictures of them kissing from between the blinds. Her break is...

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Two ranchers are driving down a dirt road.

Two ranchers are driving down a dirt road when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The first rancher says “Man I haven’t had any pussy in weeks!” He jumps out of the truck and just starts fucking the sheep. The first rancher looks over at the second and says “ Hey, do you want...

Why did the skateboarder bury his head in dirt?

Face plant

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What do pirates call a prostitute laying on the dirt?

Land ho

3 blondes walking down a dirt road when they happen upon a set of tracks.

First blonde says, “I recognize these. They’re deer tracks.

Second says, “no you are wrong. They are moose tracks”

The third one then chimes in, “you both are wrong, they are clearly elk tracks!”

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

Warning: Dirt joke

It's not mulch, really.

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down they’re really good people

Blonde lady driving down a dirt road…

When she sees another blonde woman in a row boat out in the middle of a cotton field. She slams on her brakes, fuming, and yells out to the lady in the boat “HEY!! IT’S DUMB BLONE BIMBOS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD REPUTATION!! AND IF I COULD SWIM, I’D COME KICK YOUR ASS!!”

Irish dirt farmers

There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food.

Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree.

The mother wakes up, sees the m...

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Harley and Vaseline (I know...old as dirt, but...)

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in...

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

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A married man was having an affair with his Nympho secretary, and lost track of time.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demande...

I recently lost a bag of dirt.

I can't believe I'm dirt poor.

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One day a boy is walking down an old dirt road...

arms full of duck tape and he comes across an cabin with an old man sitting on the front porch. The old man sees the boy and says, "Say son, what'cha need all that duck tape for?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

"Boy!! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* ducks with no *DAMN* duck tape!...

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.

I appreciate the sediment, but...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

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Some JERK used his finger to draw penises in the dirt on my car!

I don’t know who did it, but they had a lot of balls!!!

Why did the astro physicist go digging in the dirt?

He was looking for wormholes.

I once knew a lady who was into crocheting in the dirt.

You could say she was in the knitty gritty.

What did Jesus do when Mary Magdalene tracked dirt through the house?

Jesus swept.

What’s the difference between dirt and miracle grow?

Not mulch

My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.

I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

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A man is driving his car along a dirt road...

when the car suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The man has the hood up and is looking at the engine, when he hears a voice behind him say:
"It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."
He looks around, but there is not a soul in sightin either direction. Then, he notices a ...

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

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If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

My roommate said the coffee tasted like dirt

Well, it was ground this morning

I used to have an addiction to dirt

But I've now been clean for over a year

If you think a microwave spying on you is bad, just remember

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Those who throw dirt...

...are sure to lose ground.

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

Dude, does my finger smell like dirt or like feces?

\- Like feces, man.

\- That's what I thought too, how could I have dirt up in my ass!?

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother ...

What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes?

"You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!"

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path

One of them has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other redneck asks how many chickens are inside.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck "If you can guess how many ...

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

Get Your Own Dirt

God was once approached by a scientist who said, “Listen God, we’ve decided we don’t need you anymore. These days we can clone people, transplant organs and do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.”

God replied, “Don’t need me huh? How about we put your theory to the test...

What do you call dirt that has weed growing in it?

The high ground.

This girl told me her boyfriend treated her like dirt.

Does that mean he plowed you and planted his seed in you?

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What's the difference between a dirt bus station and lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

As an ex-hippie I think dirt is groovy, man.

I really dig it.

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

I once got in a fight with a pile of dirt...

The pile of dirt won by a landslide.

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Why couldn’t the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

Despite all the dirt, I finally could grab a good photo of that metal milling facility

It was a stainless still!

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What happened when the two assholes rode their dirt bikes too fast?

They rectum.

I played hide seek as a kid and the ultimate winner hid so good we never found him. Years later they found him under a pile of dirt

Turns out He won by a landslide

After months, the person who keeps piling dirt on my land is now using sand.

The plot thickens.

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I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't mo...

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

What do you call a shark that sells dirt at high interest rates?

A loam shark.

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

God VS scientists

So a group of scientists get together and discuss what they can do and decide to talk to God about it.

'God' they say 'We've decided we don't want you around anymore. We can now do everything you can do'

God thinks for a bit and says 'tell you what. I'll bet you I can do something you...

I ordered a coffee from a cafe today and complained to the waiter that it tasted like dirt.

He replied, 'Well what do you expect, it was just ground this morning'.

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

So this guy is driving down a dirt road...

..and while he's driving he sees this 8 year old boy on the shoulder by himself just crying his eyes out. Naturally, this guy pulls over and asks him what's wrong and why he's all alone. All he can manage to say between sobs is "...my parents.." as he points to the canyon below. The guy looks over t...

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

What do you call a hundred black men buried up to their necks in dirt?

Afroturf

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest...

And they stumble upon a magic lamp. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, "I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The bear says, "I wish I wish I was the only male bear in this forest, so all the other female Bears will be forced to be with me." The genie grants him this ...

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Picasso, Caravaggio, and Warhol meet in Hell.

They ask for an appointment with god to ask him why they went to hell despite being great artists who gave so much to the world.

God says, "Caravaggio, you were a street gang bully and a literal murderer. Of course you go to hell."

"What about me?" Picasso says.

"Picasso, you tr...

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a guy who rides a Harley?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirtbag on the inside.

A city slicker buys a chicken farm

He proceeds to dig a hole for each chicken, throw the chicken in, fill the holes up with dirt, and waters them. A couple of weeks later nothing happens. He doesn't see anything growing. He calls his friend, a big time college professor of agriculture at a big time college. His friend comes out and i...

a policeman calls for backup

Dispatch, we've got a homicide here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over

Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.

No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.

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It was my birthday the other day

My brother gave me a bottle of water with some dirt in the bottom. it was a pretty shit gift but I told him I appreciate the sediment.

Back in Soviet Russia...

...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothi...

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human...

Three bulls

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know ...

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no aga...

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