Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

This girl told me her boyfriend treated her like dirt.

Does that mean he plowed you and planted his seed in you?

When arguing, never throw dirt at your opponent

All you do is lose ground

Everyday someone mysteriously adds more dirt on top of my garden

The plot thickens

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

What's the difference between a dirt bus station and lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

"Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt..."

"It was ground this morning, sir."

How much dirt is in a 12 x 6 x 3 hole?

None. It’s a hole.

Why couldn’t the farmer drive around the sick bird lying in the middle of the dirt road?

Because it was an ill eagle pass.

After months, the person who keeps piling dirt on my land is now using sand.

The plot thickens.

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a boy is walking down an old dirt road...

arms full of duck tape and he comes across an cabin with an old man sitting on the front porch. The old man sees the boy and says, "Say son, what'cha need all that duck tape for?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

"Boy!! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* ducks with no *DAMN* duck tape!...

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

If you think your microwave spying on you is bad...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

As an ex-hippie I think dirt is groovy, man.

I really dig it.

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

There was a scientist one time, and he went to talk to God

and he says, "God, we can now clone humans, make life, and take care of ourselves and we don't need you anymore."

God laughed and said: "You think? So show me, how you can make humans and life!"

The scientist agreed, reached down, grabbed a full hand of soil to start making his human...

An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.

He meets another man going the opposite way.

"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.

"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.

"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.

Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefiel...

I used to be addicted to dirt

But now I'm clean

I went to a fortune teller and they said in 30 minutes I would get dirt on my leg...

I guess it's just dusty knee

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

I once got in a fight with a pile of dirt...

The pile of dirt won by a landslide.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happened when the two assholes rode their dirt bikes too fast?

They rectum.

A man was driving along a dirt road when he noticed a chicken on the side of the road...

but on closer inspection he noticed the chicken had four legs.

'Four legs?!' He thought, I'd better get closer to get a photo. So he drives up after the chicken, who starts running away from the man. The man accelerates to catch up, but the chicken just powers ahead - that motherclucker was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Harley and Vaseline (I know...old as dirt, but...)

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in...

My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning

She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.

I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving his car along a dirt road...

when the car suddenly stops for no apparent reason. The man has the hood up and is looking at the engine, when he hears a voice behind him say:
"It's your carburetor. If you clean it, the car will start."
He looks around, but there is not a soul in sightin either direction. Then, he notices a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through t...

Agent K: Hey slick, this coffee kinda tastes like dirt...

Agent J: What do you expect, it was ground this morning!

What do you call a shark that sells dirt at high interest rates?

A loam shark.

I took a dirt road to avoid a weigh station last week.

I drove my rig up a hill and around a sharp curve. As I started down a steep hill, I saw an old man and a young girl screwing in the middle of the dirt road.

I came to a screeching halt within inches of the old man's ass. I got out of my rig to see if they were OK, and ask why they didn't mo...

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path

One of them has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other redneck asks how many chickens are inside.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck "If you can guess how many ...

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, then cross back over?

Because he's a dirty double crosser.

What Do You Call A Chicken That Crosses The Road, Rolls In The Dirt, Crosses The Road, And Again Rolls In The Dirt?

A Dirty Double-Crossing Chicken!

Irish dirt farmers

There was a poor dirt farming family in Ireland. All they had was this one milk cow. The would turn the milk to cheese and sell at the market to buy food.

Well, one morning, the father wakes up and sees the milk cow dead. So he hangs himself in the tree.

The mother wakes up, sees the m...

How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?

A Terra Bite

Two kids are walking down a dirt path...

a boy and a girl. Suddenly the boy stops and proclaims, "look at what I have!"
He pulls down his pants and allows the girl to observe.

"Do you have one?" he asks.
The girl is confused and upset that she does seem to be lacking what the boy has. Distraught she runs home to her mother ...

What fever did Joe Dirt catch on vacation after getting bit by a mosquito?

Deeeeeeeeeeengue

I used to have a fear for speed bumps...

But I'm slowly getting over it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex with teacher...

Boy confides to his father he had sex with his teacher.

The father says "Don't tell your mother I said this but I'm proud of you. In fact, I'm going to buy you that new dirt bike you've been wanting."


A week later the father says "It doesn't look like you've ridden your new dirt bi...

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

The location of the dirtbag.

What do you call a hundred black men buried up to their necks in dirt?

Afroturf

So this guy is driving down a dirt road...

..and while he's driving he sees this 8 year old boy on the shoulder by himself just crying his eyes out. Naturally, this guy pulls over and asks him what's wrong and why he's all alone. All he can manage to say between sobs is "...my parents.." as he points to the canyon below. The guy looks over t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two guys were walking together down a dirt road…

…when they come to this big green space. The first guy says, "Let's cut through here," and walks on it. The other guy just goes around. The first guy looks back and says, "What are you doing? Why don't you go this way?" The other guy replies, "Nice try, Jesus. I know what pond scum looks like."

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third B...

Upstanding bulls

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, a...

The Chinese Workman

An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has ma...

20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

20 years later and my wife still gets upset when I use her toothbrush.

So if anyone knows another way to get the dirt out from my sneakers, I'm all ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

A Nun walks into a bar, looking like she hasn't washed in weeks.

She leans up against the bar, clothes all covered in dirt, stinking to high heaven, and lights up a cigerette.

The barman says, "You know, thats a filthy habbit Sister!"

"I know, I know", she replies, "but I haven't got anything else to wear."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheap cadillac

In a cadillac showroom in New York a man asks the salesman: "How much for the red cadillac?"

The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."

The man is stunned about the price and asks: "If I buy 2 cars, how much would that be?"

The salesman friendly replies: "10 dollars."

N...

A guy dies and is sent to hell

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and tells him he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing on their heads on a brick floor The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The g...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

I like my women like I like my coffee...

Imported for dirt cheap from third-world countries.

So I get home yesterday...

...and my dog is laying on my porch covered in mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbors raise these rabbits for some competitions and they have won blue ribbons. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash al...

What’s the difference between a Hoover vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson?

The position of the dirt bag.

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man travels thousands of miles to seek the wisdom of a famous, old yogi...

The man flies to the remote little country where the yogi lives isolated in the mountains

He lands at the airport and takes a bus as far as it will take him, to a little town at the base of the mountains.

He rents a pack animal to take him as far as the animal will go up the mountain, ...

Cop: know how fast u were going;

Me: obviously. I have a speedometer.
Cop: i know that
Me: then why did u ask
Cop: [looking down moving toe around the dirt] I just wanted to talk

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing hap...

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to d...

A Guy was digging a hole

A guy was digging a hole and when he finished he asked his friend “Now what am I going to do with all this dirt?” His friend said “well, why don’t you dig another hole and put the dirt in there”

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

Politics is like window cleaning...

...the dirt is always on the other side!

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
Aft...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It''s so hard to enjoy the simple country games we enjoyed as rednecks in today's society. Take, for instance, catching a greased pig. We got arrested for it even though we were on our own farm and not hurtin' nobody.

For you city slickers that have never had to slaughter farm animals the 'sport' came from a bunch of bored farm boys told to slaughter a pig for bacon, ham, chops, etc...

Everyone today is used to going to the store and not havint' actually see their food killed, so these overly sensitive peo...

Personal check.

An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer, and minister together around his bedside. "I have always heard you can't take it with you, but I'm going to prove I can" , he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

My great grandfather was a pilot in the Army.

My grandfather told me this one.

"Boy, did I ever tell you your great grandfather was a pilot in the Army?"

"Hmm no, I don't think so...Wait, the army had pilots back then?"

"Oh yeah, for sure! The seargent used to call for him and say, 'PRIVATE! GET THAT WHEELBARROW OF D...

The Fantastic Pig

John is travelling one day and sees a sign on the side of the road saying, "30 miles until the fantastic pig." He is curious but doesn't think anymore of it until he sees another sign 10 miles up the road declaring the fantastic pig only 20 miles away. This continues up until 5 miles away from the s...

How do you know if your girl is a hoe?

If all she is good for is slinging dirt.

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

A man's dog comes home with his neighbors pet rabbit dead in his mouth...

A man's dog comes home one day with his neighbor's pet rabbit dead in his mouth. The rabbit is all covered in blood and dirt, clearly after putting up a fight with the dog. The man panics and worries that the neighbor will get mad and demand his dog be put down for killing his rabbit.

He deci...