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Heel Jokes

What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara?

Dairy Queen

Achilles Heel

I named my dog Achilles.
He doesn't heel.
That's his weakness.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Wife to husband... Take off my heels....

He does as instructed.

Wife: now take off my blouse....

He does it..

Wife : now take off my skirt....

He does it.

Wife : now take off bra.

He does it.

Wife : now take off my panties..

He does it..

Wife : Now don't you ever wear my cl...

When an eel strikes your heel and severe pain you feel...

... That's a moray.

What's the difference between Achilles and his heel?

One is a legend and the other is a leg end.

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My brother asked me if I'd ever have sex with a woman in high heels.

"Probably not," I said, "because my balance isn't very good."

Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

I tried to teach my dog to heel.

But it just kept bringing me shoes.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

What do you call a knife on your heel?

A shankle

Me: I’m just saying if you’re head over heels in love you could just be standing there because your head is normally over your heels.

Cupid: Yeah well I appreciate you applying for the job and we’ll keep your resume on file.

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

One of my shoes felt a little depressed near the heel today...

Guess he needs to do some sole-searching.

Hey, are you wearing heels?

Because you’re REALLY unstable

One sock said to the other "Hey, what happened to the hole in your heel?"

Second sock: "Darned if I know."

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

I’m head over heels

Doing anything while standing upright.

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

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Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

My poor knowledge of Mexican food has always been my chilaquiles heel.

You didn't even have to click through to get the punchline.

How tall are u in heels?

I dunno, but I could tell you in feet.

Why do women wear high heels?

Keeps them on their toes

Why was the woman head over heels for an amputation doctor?

He cauterize

The capital police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the congressional riot?" The officer responded, "I'd like to question the senator wearing high heels and a spandex leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A girl won't date me because she'd be taller than me when she wears heels

It's her sole reason.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

I like it when my girl tells me that she's head over heels about me...

... but I love it when she's heels over head for me.

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

The other day I went on a date and she said "I like tall men because I like wearing heels."

I was shocked that we had that in Common.

How do you know the high heel was invented by men?

Who else invents things?

I've fallen head over heels in love with a ventriloquists doll.

But unfortunately,she's already spoken for.

I went out to a party in my mom's high heels

My friends thought I had mommy-ish shoes

My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday.

I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.

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A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares a...

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

My dog became a doctor today.

Seven years ago I said “Heel!” and he must have misheard me.

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

What kind of shoes commonly fail drug tests?

High heels

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Two men at an airport

First man says, "I can't find my wife."

Second man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?"

First man " Six foot tall, blonde, big tits, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?"

Second man says, "Fuck her, we'll look for yours."

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The Black Bra

Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes....

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades?

He was a lot like Achilles, he had only one weakness, but instead of his heel, it was his groin. You may have heard of Achilles’ heel but have you heard of Bophades’ nuts?

Police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly underwear

But the chief inspector said they must wear their normal uniforms.

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There was a couple who explored kinky sex but they finally decided they liked “oral” more than “foot fetish.”

They were “head over heels” in love.

What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels...

At least the elephants you could reason with

So my friend told me that any girl he dates has to know how to tightrope on heels, I thought he was joking but guess who he’s dating now

No one

Drag racing is my favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

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A young university student is failing her history class

So she decides to see if she can, shall we say, convince her professor to give her a passing grade. She does her hair and makeup, puts on a skimpy dress and heels, and goes to his office.

"Professor," she says, "I'm afraid that I might fail your class."

"That's true," he says, barely ...

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

My wife said she'd fulfil any fantasy of mine.

"What about a nice mini skirt, some high heels and a tight red bra?" I asked.

She spread herself on the bed and said, "Of course, baby."

I said, "Excellent. Wait here, I'll just go and get changed."

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Aman comes home from work and his wife greats him at the door wearing a sexy French maid outfit.

He smiles as he is looking her up and down. High heels and fishnet stockings. Then he says “Thanks for cleaning the house today honey.”

One day Achilles and Testiclles ar talking

Testiclles said "Why is your name Achilles?" and Achilles said "When my mother dipped me in the river, she held me by my heel. My tendon is my only weak spot" and then he said "And why is your name Testiclles?"

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

My friend invited me to go drag racing with him and I thought yeah that sounds fun

Turns out it is really freaking hard to run in the heels

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I was back-ended by a white convertible who was participating in a drag race

Man was she fast! Even though he had her best heels on, he ran right past me. I couldn’t even tell when she was coming up my rear.

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