UPJOKE
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Lineup Jokes

Police Lineup

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."

One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The police had a lineup of 10 suspects.

They would walk to one of them, and tell them to say a line, in hopes that something would prove that they were lying. Then, they would continue to the next suspect and repeat.

When they got to the guilty suspect, they told him to say: “I did not go on a mass crime spree and kill 300 innocent...

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For the last 20 years, a man has been volunteering for the police, participating in the police lineups

And not even once has anyone recognized him for all his efforts.

A girl once said about me "He's the one!"

Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.

A mugger robs a woman

Later, they catch him and put him in a lineup.
They bring in the victim, and the mugger says "That's her!"

Baseball in Heaven

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:

"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back an...

What do you call...

...a lineup of dolls waiting to take turns being grilled over an open fire?



a Barbie queue

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So a couple of Canadians were sitting around with their Tim Horton’s and maple cream cookies, when one of them said, “Hey, who’s that American girl to our west?”

And the other one said, “I don’t know,
‘I‘ll-ask-ha’”

This is joke #2 in my country-themed lineup. Next country in the spotlight will be Japan.

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

Models

Why did the models keep tripping on the runway?




They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss

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A priest is taking confessions

When he gets a sudden urge to use the bathroom. Not wanting to interrupt the lineup, he flags over the janitor and says " can you sit in for me for a 10 minutes, just flip through this sins book and dish out whatever penance is required. Easy peasy."
So the first confessioner comes in, a young...

I wanna banana from earth.

It's Christmas time, and a little boy is sitting on the mall Santa's lap.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" Santa asks with a smile.

"I wanna banana from Earth." He says, looking a little annoyed.

Santa, somewhat confused, asks the boy. "From earth?"

"Yes" The boy ret...

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A blonde walks into a bar...

and asks the bartender to lineup 7 shots. He does, and then the blonde takes the 1st shot and dumps it on the floor. Then the blonde picks up the last shot, and does the same. The bartender, peeved that he has to mop it up, asks indignantly, "What the hell?! Why did you do that?" The blonde replies,...

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Tiger Fucking

Q: What's black and white and read all over?

Delivery Note (DN), mention "I bet you know this one"

A: A newspaper.

 

Q: When is a door not a door?

DN: wait for the person to really think about it, and get it or say they give up.

A: When its ...

3 nuns are at the pearly gates...

St Peter greets them saying "Sisters of the faith! I have some bad news. Due to the current state of the world, there is a lineup to get into heaven. But since you devoted your lives to the Lord, I have a special surprise for you! You all get to go back to Earth until we can get you in past the gate...

Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives

Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives. One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven."

Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing. About a week later Tom dies.

One ni...

Two priests die and go up to Heaven...

.. but when they get there they find there's a HUGE lineup at the Pearly Gates. Hours and hours go by and they are barely inching closer to their destination. Finally they see St. Peter lean over and stare down the line at someone behind them. He makes a "come here" gesture and this pretty blonde...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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