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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Job interviewer: So, how do you wish to explain this four year gap on your resume?

Interviewee: That is because I went to Yale

Job interviewer: Oh, that is impressive! You are hired!

Interviewee: Thanks! I really needed this Yob

It says here on your resume that you were a m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

Why don’t A.I. engineers need a resume?

They just let their projects speak for themselves.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

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Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

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Interviewer: Your resume says that you are extremely literal.

Me: Holy shit. My resume is talking now?

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

An applicant is being interviewed for an engineering position

Interviewer: Your resume says that you can solve math problems quickly.


Applicant: Yes


Interviewer: Okay, what is 35 x 8?


Applicant: 250!


Interviewer: That's way off.


Applicant: Well, it is, but as my resume said, I'm a quick solver.

I faked my resume to get a glassmaking job

The interviewer saw straight through me.

Me: I’m just saying if you’re head over heels in love you could just be standing there because your head is normally over your heels.

Cupid: Yeah well I appreciate you applying for the job and we’ll keep your resume on file.

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Three men are out drinking and getting ready to hunt

After knocking more than a few back they decide to go hunting individually to see who could bring back the best kill.

A long day of hunting finished, the first man returns to the camp with a passable buck, and the second man returns empty handed. The two men go to work gutting the deer and wa...

I wanted my friend to resume the tv show about a bank robbery.

I guess I wanted him to de-pause-it.

A man walks into a bar with his monkey.

The man and his monkey take a seat at the bar and the man orders two beers. The monkey is cool for a while, sipping his beer, but then jumps up from his stool, runs over to the billiard table and eats one of the balls. He then returns to his stool, and resumes drinking his beer.

Before the b...

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This cont...

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

Whenever I get a stack of resumes, I throw half of them in the trash

I sure don't want unlucky people on my team.

50th Wedding Anniversary

It's the morning of a couple's 50th wedding anniversary. They're sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast and reading the newspaper.

The wife looks at the husband and says "you know, if this was 50 years ago, we'd be sitting at this table naked".

The husband replies "you know what...

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A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the sec...

I've been posting my resume online while I was asleep;

hoping to get my dream job.

I wanted to put "calligraphy" as a skill on my resume.

I decided against it since it probably looks better on paper.

A woman lied on her resume to land a $185k a year job...

...#BelieveAllWomen, right?

Job Interviewer: It says on your resume that you went to Harvard University

Me: Yeah. I was visiting my friend.

A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash...

Coworker asks, "what are you doing!?!"

HR Manager said, "I don't like to hire unlucky people."

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

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"I know everyone..." was on Bill's resume.

Was on Bill's resume when he applied for his new job. His manager, Dave, impressed by everything else made a comment.
Dave: "Surely, you dont know EVERYONE."
Bill retorts: " I do infact know everyone."
Dave asks smugly: "Even the President of the U.S.?"
Bill nonchalantly pulls out his ph...

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? Second -...

Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume.

Who are they gonna ask?

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

Job Interview

"It says here you are fluent in Spanish."

"Oui, Oui."

"Ok, that's french."

"Better add that to my resume as well."

Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume?

It's less comfortable than your bed.

For my 3rd cake day I'd like to re-re retell

Resell, retail, retale, resail reset preset presume resume
Assume retell

That my favorite joke is good ol' #788

My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.

Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

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The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

I'm not the tallest guy, so when I left university and applied for the job I wanted, I put down that I was a dwarf on my resume, hoping that being some type of minority would help me...

I didn't get the job though.

The interviewer just said that I was selling myself short.

Don’t know much about history. Don’t know much biology. Don’t know much about a science book.

Donald Trump’s resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.

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A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email?

Attachment leads to suffering.

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US Mint

Alex was being interviewed for a job at the US mint. The interviewer looks over his resume, and notices something strange. “Alex, you have 3 PhDs and you had an internship at the White House. Why do you want to work at the US mint?”

“Well sir, i would make a lot of money here”

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What does a prostitute's resume list as her top attribute?

She's a consummate professional.

I posted my resume off to a company...

I posted my resume off to the company I wanted to work for, but it came back the next day attached to a note that said I wasn't clear enough, my font was indecipherable and my word choice poor. I knew something had to be done.

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

I was so sure my new hire was Spider-Man

Because his resume said he was a web designer.

Two friends went for a job interview.......

The first friend goes in and the person interviewing him looks at his resume. Then he asks him a few questions and then asks "imagine you are traveling on a train and it is hot inside, what will you do?" The guy replies "I will open the window"

"Great!" says the interviewer and then asks " ...

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Three girls walk into a bar

Three girls walk into a bar looking for a job. They hand their resumes to the hiring manager. The manager says "As much as I would like to hire all of you, I only have room for one of you. Since your resumes are so similar when it comes to work experience, I will hire the girl that best responds ...

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So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more ...

An man goes in for a job interview. Unfortunately, he is told that his degree and experience are not enough and he is turned away.

The man decides he's gonna get that job whatever it takes. So he first gets large round head, big furry ears and big black nose. Then, he begins to grow grey-brown and white fur all over his body and claws extend from his fingers and toes. Finally, he thinks he's ready. So clutching his eucalyptus l...

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

Why did the postdoctoral law student cross the road?

To drop his resume off at the other restaurant.

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

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So a Bartender, a Priest, and an Anti-Lockdown protester walk into a bar... [LONG]

Ok, not a bar, because the bars are all closed. But I digress. So they walk into... I dunno, Wal-Mart, Whatever. Turns out all three know each other and start talking about the lockdown and how it has been affecting them.

The Bartender started by lamenting the loss of their income and social ...

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My daughter has decided to become a poll worker this election year...

She decided it sounded better than putting "stripper" on her resume.

A girl wanted to have 69 with new boyfriend

He said he hasn’t done it before and she agreed to guide him.

The girl got on top and a while later, she let out a fart. She apologised for the mishap and they started again. It was tough luck for the guy as she farted for a second time. She was red with shame. They decided to resume shortly....

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

Boss: If I knew your writing was so small I'd never have hired you

Me: Well it was on my resume, you should have read the small print

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

Job interview

A man is applying for a job and he has a very good resume

Interviewer: You have the qualities we are looking for and your resume looks great and we want to hire you. However, there is a 5 year gap in your resume. Can you tell us what you were doing during that time?

Employee: I went to...

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3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and slide his fingers down there. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minute...

A man was driving along the road

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?"

This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind.

However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, i...

The new zookeeper was killed at work on his first day.

That’s why you shouldn’t lion your resume.

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle...

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honor...

Amazing Team Player

The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview.

The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it.

The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He ...

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Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War

I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

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