I just received notification that delivery of my walking cane has been delayed

The good news is the truck is on the last leg of its trip.

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I am suffering from both delayed ejaculation and incontinence.

So I can neither come or go.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

The U.S. election results delay is pathetic

In Egypt, we know who won before the elections.

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

What do you call a delay to order dumbbells?

A weight list.

So i was in the queue at the airport and the lady at check-in said "There is a four hour delay" I asked "Why's that?" "The pilot heard a funny noise from the engine..

And it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it" she said...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

Last Minute

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if e...

Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and to...

With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'

It's on paperview

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

The Year 2021 is delayed

Date of 01.01.2021 will be announced later

I have a theory as to why the Cybertruck is taking so long to get in production:

They are experiencing an Elon-gated Delay!

Which country likes to delay everything?

Procrasti-nation.

Why did Rand Paul delay the vote on the COVID-19 response?

He wasn't sure how to vote and wanted to wait until he was positive.

I was at my favourite singers concert, but it got delayed

Postponed Malone

I want my rapper name to be 'Delayed Rambo'...

so that one day i can perform with A$AP Rocky.

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The husband is going on a business trip.

Immediately before leaving, he says to his wife: "Honey! I am leaving for a long time and I understand that it will be difficult for you without a man. Therefore I constructed a robot. His name is Bob. As soon as you want a man, say: " Bob! "and he will do his job."

Just after the husband cl...

Why was the Brexit coin delayed?

Because the British couldn't agree on a border.

Is the Super Bowl on tape delay?

No, it’s LIV.

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant:

"why did we take off so late?"

To which the flight attendant replies:

"well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane."

My flight was delayed from birds striking against the airliner.

Wtf birds, just do your job. What are they even paying you for??? I got a connection to make.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

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What do you call a soviet ejaculation delay?

Goo-lag

If a birth is delayed...

is the baby in the waiting womb?

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

The year is 2077...

Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again.

What do you call when a Russian cause a delay?

Stalin for time.

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Commando was sent on a mission in occupied country

General gives him the details. ‘You will arrive at the spot at 5am, there will be a plane waiting for you. When you will be in the air, open the sealed letter with the details of the mission, it will be in the plane, along with the parachute. Once you will be above the drop zone, jump off the plane ...

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

Why did Ahmed Mohamed get delayed at the airport?

he was on a watch list...

"The Apocalypse has been delayed!"

Shouted the angel with the trumpet.

"Why?" I asked.

"There's some little guy up there telling a story about an elephant, and God can't stop laughing."

Delayed Comprehension

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that nigh...

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee.

I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.

At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.

"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

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News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

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Simone de Beauvoir once said "Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay."

So now I just play roulette and craps. Been sober from sports betting for 3 months and counting.

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the pl...

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A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.

"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."

Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this proble...

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Heavy snow is causing delays at the airport

Many are stuck waiting for the one active runway.

After hours of sitting out in the takeoff que a voice calls out over the radio.

"Im so fucking bored."

After a few more moments of radio silence ground control responds. "Last transmission please identify".

The radio st...

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Two hour delay

A woman was cleaning the kitchen and her 5 year old son was in the living room playing with his train.
The woman hears the train stop and the boy says "this is the end of the line. So all you son's a bitches grab your bags and get your asses off the train."
The woman was shocked. She went into...

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About the two hour delay...

One day, a woman was cooking dinner for her family, as her son plays with his trains in the living room. She then hears her son say, "All you bastards getting off here, get the fuck off my train! All the fuckers getting on my train, get your ass on here now!" The mom then says, "Son, you can't use t...

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I suffer from delayed ejaculation.

It's been 17 years now.

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

Engine trouble

Fifteen minutes into the flight from New York to Phoenix, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain a...

A man, a terrible worrier and procrastinator, is sitting with his doctor, anxiously discussing the results of a medical...

After an hour or more of waiting and hesitating and prevaricating and generally delaying the inevitable, finally the man draws a deep breath.

"Look doc - my chances - can't you tell me without telling me?"

The doctor looks at him in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Well," says the...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fool's prank feel?

Dismay.

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You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

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Lost virginity

An 18 year old son promised his parents to return from prom by 2 AM the latest.

Time goes by as his parents eagerly waiting at home to hear how it went. Soon it is 2:00 and still no sign of the son. Then 2:30. The parents get a little worried because there is no sign of their son. At 3:00 th...

[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.

I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set

“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up”

The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson.

2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in:

”all those depart...

Pavlov's birds

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it ...

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"


His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's ...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

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A Guy Gets on an Airplane

All is normal until about an hour in when the guy hears a strange noise. Shortly after, the captain says “uh folks there’s nothing to worry about, one of our engines just broke. Luckily, we have two more, but there will be a delay in reaching our final destination”. About another half hour goes by a...

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

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Johnny was playing with his train set while mother was in the kitchen doing dishes...

Chigga chigga chigga chigga hoot hoot. "The train has reached the station, all you mother fuckers getting on, get on and all you bastards getting off, get off.

Johnnys mom rushes out and yells at Johnny for his bad language and gives him a 5 min timeout.

6 minutes later she hears ...

I'm happy British Airways has decided to ground it's 747 fleet

With four engines there will be plenty of spares in case of problems. I was on one when the pilot announced "We've lost one engine so there will be a half hour delay to landing." Then he announced a further delay as he'd lost another engine. I was thinking I hope we don't lose the other two or we'll...

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Space sex

SpaceX delayed again as atmosphere declares that they, "are tired, has had a long day, and a astronomical headache".

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

Two blondes were on a plane to New York.

About two hours into the flight, the pilot speaks over the intercom, "Attention ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have burst one of our engines. No need to panic; we still have three more. Our arrival time has been delayed by about an hour. We sincerely apologize for any inconveniences."

...

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Little johnny is playing outside in the back yard

Little Johnny is outside in the back yard playing with his toy airplane. He takes it up in the air "rrrrrrrrrr" and brings it down for a landing, at which point he yells real loud "All you motherfuckers that wanna get off, get off. All you motherfuckers that wanna get on, get on." Well Johnnys mom i...

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

My first words of 2020

Oh, the tv is delayed.

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

What did the cemetery say to the hospital?

Sorry aout the delay but thank you for your patients

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

Have you all heard about the new Tetris movie?

It's getting delayed because every time they finish a line, it disappears.

A man in a ballon

A man was stuck in a hot air balloon and realized that he was lost. He reduced his height and saw a woman down on a field.

He went further down and yelled at the woman : "Excuse me, Could you help me? I had arranged a meeting with a friend an hour ago, but I have no idea were I am."
...

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Trouble asking a girl out

So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival t...

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Young Samuel Jackson (an old one, adapted)

Young Samuel Jackson got a toy train for Christmas one year. His parents set up the track for him, and he happily sat down to play while the parents went about their business.

Sam yelled, "All you motherfuckers gettin on the train, get on the train! All you motherfuckers gettin off the train...

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

A man is on a taxi to the airport.

"Please hurry i need to get to there as soon as i can." he said to the driver.

"Easy, sir. Why are you so hurry?" reply the driver.

"Im gonna late for the flight, now drive faster please." the man said.

"What flight are you on then?" the driver keep asking.

"The flight 6...

Two hicks get on a plane from Saskatoon to Miami

About one hour into the flight there's an announcement made by the pilot "Hello this is your pilot speaking, 1 of our 4 engines failed, no need to panic, we're going to have a delay." After another hour a second announcement is made "Hello, another one of our four engines has failed, again, no need ...

A four-engine passenger jet experiences engine trouble...

...and the pilot comes on the intercom, saying, "Passengers, we apologize, but we have experienced an engine burn-out. The plane can still fly on the remaining three engines, but we'll be delayed in our arrival by two hours."

A few minutes later, the airplane shakes, and passengers see smoke ...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

An Irish Man is on a plane

An Irish man is on a plane and suddenly there's a loud bang.

The Pilot comes on an says "Ladies and gentlemen we have just lost one of our engines, but don't worry as we can still make it, however, there will be a slight delay of about 45 minutes.

A few moments pass and again, there is...

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