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A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke...

...when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “...

What would be Einstein's stage name if he were a rapper?

MC Square

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

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3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.

Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.

Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other...

Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He got too close to The Edge.

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

An egg was on stage

He was telling lots of eggcelent yolks that made the crowd crack up

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat...

My friend is already on Stage 4

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

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Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

You go through 4 stages in life:

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

What do you call the stage at a Polish strip club?

Empty. It only has a Pole.

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Three stages for every trip

Planning


Discussing


Cancelling

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It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run...

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Did you hear about the couple that had sex on stage?

They got a standing O.

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What was Bruce Lee’s stage name when he worked as a pantomime?

Quiet Lee.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

What did the skeleton choose for his stage name?

"Pelvis".

What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

Denile.

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There's 4 stages of 'sex' in every relationship..

First - there's the every where sex. That is when you first started dating and you have sex every where. Bonus points for public places..



Second - House sex. You have sex every where in the house.. kitchen, bathroom, living room, swimming pool .. basically every where.


...

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

The Moon landings were staged...

... specifically, they had three stages, which were discarded in sequence as the rocket ascended to space to save on mass.

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekly

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

Walking on stage to a round of applause is a lot like foreplay.

Both involve a warm hand on my entrance.

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

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I tried a stand-up routine where I shit myself on stage

But people didn't appreciate my self-defecating humour

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

How can you tell if a stage is level?

The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a stage?

Mike

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So Noel Gallagher's up on stage at rehearsals before a show.................................

So Noel Gallagher's up on stage at rehearsals before a show, and his guitar tech is showing him his new instrument.
Noel looks it over, examining the beautiful, expensive guitar, and asks: "What's that knob at the front for?"
The guitar tech looks up, then back at Noel. "Oh, that's Liam. He si...

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

Do you know the four stages of edibles?

I don't feel anything,
I don't feel anything,
I don't feel anything,
Take me to the hospital.

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Interview with a stage magician

* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.

I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.

Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

If a guy in a wheelchair is on stage telling jokes ...

Is it still called stand-up comedy?

My mum's reached the stage of her life where all she does is tell me about people that have died. "you know Doreen? She's just died. You know Margery? She's just died."

I said to her "mum, get off the roof and give me the gun"

Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band width for free did you?

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WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!

What are you guys doing i...

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Everyone has 3 stages they will go through

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

The 5 stages of Election Day

The 5 stages of presidential election ending.
1) Denial(while results are being tallied) - this isn't happening. No this can't be.

2) Anger (after the results are in) - the words described are not repeatable and may not be suitable for young children.

3) Bargaining (a few hours a...

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The 5 stages of grief

Denial - You can't fuck with me!

Anger - Don't you dare fuck with me!!

Bargaining - How bout I fuck you instead!

Depression - I'm going to get fucked aren't I?

Acceptance - Choke me daddy

No one on the stage production crew had checked the schedule for the day.

"I'm not making a scene, YOU'RE making a scene!!!"

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 suc...

A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night...

He proceeds to bring the house down.

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

The three stages of writing a paper:

1. putin it off

2. stalin

3. russian to finish

I was playing a game and after some struggle I finally finished stage 4.

It really took my game to a new level.

What was World of Warcraft called in the beta stage?

World of Wardraft.

Samsung left the stage with one final note

It made social media blow up.

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TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

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