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Stage Jokes

How do you know Will Smith’s slap wasn’t staged?

His son wasn’t cast in it.

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They’re just gonna laugh at me.

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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The three life stages of sex

Age 18-35: Tri-Weekly

Age 35-60: Try Weekly

Age 60-90: Try Weakly

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

Three stages of obesity in men.

1. You can’t see it when it’s soft.
2. You can’t see it when it’s hard.
3. You can’t see who’s down there.

Stage Fright

A young actor, new on the scene and nervous about it, is trying to make his first big role count.

In his first onstage appearance, his character has a fairly simple scene to pull off: he walks onstage holding a rose between his fingers. He waves it past his nose with a big whiff, then declar...

Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage approaching him.

But then it hit him.

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"How much for a dance?" I asked the stripper on the stage.

"£20," she said.

I pulled out £50 and gave it to her.

"How come you're so generous?" she winked.

I said, "Just in case I break the pole."

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

There are four stages of old age:

You forget names. Then you forget faces. Next, you forget to zip up. And finally, you forget to zip down.

The seven stages of a woman's life:

1) Baby.

2) Little girl.

3) Preteen.

4) Teen.

5) Young woman.

6) Young woman.

7) Young woman.

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer is dribbling out of both sides of his mouth.

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

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Three stages of sex in marriage.

Stage one: Whole house sex. You and your partner have sex in every room of the house. Standing up, bending over, on any surface available.

Stage two: Bedroom Sex. You and your partner only have sex in the bedroom... after you shower... with the lights off.

Stage three: Hall sex. ...

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An actor was on stage playing Macbeth...

...and when he did the soliloquy he performed it so poorly that everyone in the audience began to boo him loudly. Finally in humiliation he stopped and yelled, "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

A televangelist at a mega-church down south was on stage, collecting money from the faithful and promising them he could help anyone.

A young man left the audience and came up on the stage and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. The televangelist starting chanting and took the young man by his shoulders and shook him. Then he cupped his hands over the young man's ears and said some more incantations and finally shoute...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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The three stages of married sex

Kitchen sex: when you are newly weds and so into each other that you have sex everywhere in the house, including the kitchen.

Bedroom sex: once you are further along in your marriage and sex only occurs in the bedroom.

Hallway sex: the end stage of your marriage when you pass each o...

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

How do System of a Down stop their vocalist being electrocuted on stage?

A Serj Protector

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

Aperformer is on stage in front of an Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and a German.

He's slightly out of view and asks if they can all see him alright. they respond:
yes
oui
si
ja

whats good about stage 4 cancer?

there is no stage 5

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

How can you tell if a stage is level?

There’s drool coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Today I found out that Bill Nye is just a stage name.

His real name is William New Year’s Eve.

Chris Rock was so lucky..

That all the other dudes banging Jada didn’t rush the stage

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

Good news, I'm finally going to get something I wrote produced for the stage.

I've lined up some great people to perform in it. The producer read the script, titled "I Pun, Therefore I Am,” and asked me if it was a musical.

Sadly, I told him no. It's just a play on words.

A man walks up to the stage at a stand up night and tells the crowd about his long history of squatting.

After a few seconds of silence, he says “Thank you, I’ll be here all night! Don’t tell the owners though.”

Did you hear about the stage production called “Dictionary”?

It’s a play on words.

Slapping a comedian on stage at the oscars?

Say what you Will, but that’s a bald move.

The three stages of manhood are

"I have hair there now?...", then "I have here there now!", and back to "I have hair there now?..."

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.



"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.

Silence.

After a moment he cleared his throat.

Nothing.

After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"

She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with on...

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they ...

Why cant Egyptian crocodiles get through the 5 stages of grief?

They keep getting stuck in de Nile

What would be Einstein's stage name if he were a rapper?

MC Square

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer

Now I'm at stage 2.

I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage...

The food was great, but the yolks were terrible...

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3 Stages of boobs

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

Three stages of tiredness

Drunk squirrel: when your so tired you slur words and just ramble on and can't walk straight

Squirrel on Cocain and Caffeine: when your brain knows you wanna stay up to it just gives you a burt of energy and power making the very ground you shake walk

Dead squirrel: when you cant take ...

Handicapped man was next on stage....

For his standup

In a circus full of people the entertainer walks onto the stage

"Ladies and gentlemen! Up next is our brand new act. Welcome to the stage - the boy with a phenomenal memory".

Following the entertainers introduction, a boy comes out from behind the stage, starting to unzip his pants.

"Now the said boy is going to urinate on everyone in the front ro...

Two sound guys are getting the stage ready for a concert...

First sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one two..."

Other sound guy: *Taps on mic:* "Testing, testing one too..."

The moon landing was staged

The rocket they used had multiple stages

One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”

But that was just a dream. Just a dream…

Why couldn't the juggler perform on the big stage?

He didn't have the balls

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own

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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He got too close to The Edge.

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A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke...

...when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “...

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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 suc...

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

A man gets up on a stage.

He checks to see if the microphone is working by asking “are there any Michaels here? Any Michaels please stand up.”

A few guys stand up.

He then says “that concludes my mike check.”

An egg was on stage

He was telling lots of eggcelent yolks that made the crowd crack up

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

Why was Sean Connery wearing pointy ears on stage in Las Vegas?

He was impersonating Elvish.

Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild.

“Are you ready to hear some music??”
“YEAH!!!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”

What is the worst stage of grief?

Any stage where Nickelback is performing

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

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The Moon landings were staged...

... specifically, they had three stages, which were discarded in sequence as the rocket ascended to space to save on mass.

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding...

Everything is going well except for one small matter of his bride to be's extremely hot younger sister. One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house. She slides up to him and suggests to go upstairs - before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss....

What if there were a worldwide concert where the rich had to donate their billions or be eaten on stage?

I'd call it LiveAte.

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention...

And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

I saw a stage production of "The Three Pigs" yesterday.

The pigs were pretty boaring, but the wolf really brought down the house.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

Three stages for every trip

Planning


Discussing


Cancelling

Interview with a stage magician

* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".

The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright?

-it's just too much pressure

Three stages of life

The first stage.

You do party all the night, and next morning you look okay.

The second stage.

You do party all the night, and next morning you look not okay.

The third stage.

You sleep all the night well, but the next morning you look like you did party all the ni...

When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage?

Because every play has a cast.

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

We staged an intervention with our flat-earther friend.

He said he felt cornered.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

Why did Kermit the Frog’s stage play get a standing ovation?

He gave a ribbeting performance

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

What did the skeleton choose for his stage name?

"Pelvis".

Do you know the four stages of edibles?

I don't feel anything,
I don't feel anything,
I don't feel anything,
Take me to the hospital.

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

What are the two most disruptive words you can say on stage at a political rally?

"Hey Siri"

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

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