The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

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Help me Reddit, how do I stop myself from having a boner on stage during my presentation? [OC]

I think it happens because I get nervous. So I try imagining the audience naked. Nothing works, help!

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There are three different stages of marriage, said Dad to his son on the boy’s wedding day.

When you’re newlyweds, you have sex wherever and whenever you want it. Then comes stage 2. After you’ve been married for some time, sex is usually confined to the bedroom. And then comes stage 3. The most sex you get is when you pass each other on the stairs and say ‘Fuck off!’

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

You go through 4 stages in life:

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

I wrote a stage show about puns.

It's a play on words.

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

Three stages for every trip

Planning


Discussing


Cancelling

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

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It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run...

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Did you hear about the couple that had sex on stage?

They got a standing O.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

What did the skeleton choose for his stage name?

"Pelvis".

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

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There's 4 stages of 'sex' in every relationship..

First - there's the every where sex. That is when you first started dating and you have sex every where. Bonus points for public places..

​

Second - House sex. You have sex every where in the house.. kitchen, bathroom, living room, swimming pool .. basically every where....

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

The Moon landings were staged...

... specifically, they had three stages, which were discarded in sequence as the rocket ascended to space to save on mass.

Walking on stage to a round of applause is a lot like foreplay.

Both involve a warm hand on my entrance.

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

Denile.

My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

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The three stages of sex in marriage

tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

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I tried a stand-up routine where I shit myself on stage

But people didn't appreciate my self-defecating humour

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

How can you tell if a stage is level?

The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a stage?

Mike

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

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What did the butt do on stage?

Crack Jokes.

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So Noel Gallagher's up on stage at rehearsals before a show.................................

So Noel Gallagher's up on stage at rehearsals before a show, and his guitar tech is showing him his new instrument.
Noel looks it over, examining the beautiful, expensive guitar, and asks: "What's that knob at the front for?"
The guitar tech looks up, then back at Noel. "Oh, that's Liam. He si...

Do you know the four stages of edibles?

I don't feel anything,
I don't feel anything,
I don't feel anything,
Take me to the hospital.

I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.

Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

Interview with a stage magician

* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.

If a guy in a wheelchair is on stage telling jokes ...

Is it still called stand-up comedy?

My mum's reached the stage of her life where all she does is tell me about people that have died. "you know Doreen? She's just died. You know Margery? She's just died."

I said to her "mum, get off the roof and give me the gun"

I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

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A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?

Krautsurfing

Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band width for free did you?

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Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating ...

The 5 stages of Election Day

The 5 stages of presidential election ending.
1) Denial(while results are being tallied) - this isn't happening. No this can't be.

2) Anger (after the results are in) - the words described are not repeatable and may not be suitable for young children.

3) Bargaining (a few hours a...

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A comedian walks to the stage

Comedian: let's do a white racist joke
Us whites like the same things

We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and-

Audience: JELLY!

Comedian: we like the same chips.

Salt and vi-

Audience: NEGAR

The three stages of writing a paper:

1. putin it off

2. stalin

3. russian to finish

A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night...

He proceeds to bring the house down.

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WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!

What are you guys doing i...

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Everyone has 3 stages they will go through

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

No one on the stage production crew had checked the schedule for the day.

"I'm not making a scene, YOU'RE making a scene!!!"

If cancer is so hard...

Why am I on stage 4?

I was playing a game and after some struggle I finally finished stage 4.

It really took my game to a new level.

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Sex with ghosts

A spiritualist meeting, and the leader asks the crowd, "Who here believes in ghosts?" Most of the hands go up. "Has anyone here seen a ghost?" Fewer hands go up. "Heard a ghost?" "Smelled a ghost?" "Touched a ghost?" Fewer hands go up each time. Finally, he asks "Has anyone here ever had sex...

Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 suc...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?

A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!

What was World of Warcraft called in the beta stage?

World of Wardraft.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.

He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.

At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.

That was the last night he ever did comedy.

The feedback ruined it.

Samsung left the stage with one final note

It made social media blow up.

I've never been booed off stage.

I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.

In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

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TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.

What do you call 5 black guys on a stage?

An auction

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

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There are three stages of sex that married couples go through

They are House Sex, Bedroom Sex, and Hallway Sex.

House Sex is when you are first together and in love and having sex all over the house.

Bedroom Sex is later on when you have children and the sex is confined to the bedroom.

Hallway Sex comes later and much more frequently when ...