Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed on stage?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?

A man gets up on a stage.

He checks to see if the microphone is working by asking “are there any Michaels here? Any Michaels please stand up.”

A few guys stand up.

He then says “that concludes my mike check.”

What is the worst stage of grief?

Any stage where Nickelback is performing

Handicapped man was next on stage....

For his standup

we were at the theatre last night and a burglar broke in as they were all on stage performing

he stole the spotlight

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

The sound of a musician on the stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound of a pigeon on a stage doesn't. The reason is a coo sticks

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So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

I've never been able to get past the fourth stage in Super Mario Bros.

But I know, I know... first world problems.

Three stages of tiredness

Drunk squirrel: when your so tired you slur words and just ramble on and can't walk straight

Squirrel on Cocain and Caffeine: when your brain knows you wanna stay up to it just gives you a burt of energy and power making the very ground you shake walk

Dead squirrel: when you cant take ...

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

Heard this one from Neil Peart - How can you tell that the stage is level?

The drool runs out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

There are only 3 stages in your life

Believing in Santa, being Santa, and looking like Santa

I am so happy, I finally beat stage 4 cancer!

Now I am on stage 5!

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What are the three stages of marital sex?

Tri-weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

Euro-English

As a part of Brexit negotiations, the European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will remain the official language of the European Union rather than German, which has been regarded by many as a better choice.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conced...

My wife and I were at a show watching a beautiful dancer on stage...

Wife: Did you just wolf-whistle when she did the splits?

Me: Um no, it was probably just trapped air escaping.

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My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

[OC] I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing...

It was a real Aha moment.

Beethoven gets on the stage and the crowd goes wild.

“Are you ready to hear some music??”
“YEAH!!!”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!”

Why do submarine talent shows have so much stage fright?

-it's just too much pressure

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

What would be Einstein's stage name if he were a rapper?

MC Square

Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician?

He was on stage one day and said "Uno...dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

Have you heard the joke about the dictionary stage show?

It's a play on words.

Why did Bono fall off stage??

He was too close to The Edge

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat

I'm already on stage four

A guy at a bar goes up onto the stage at an open mic night.

“I had a Russian friend once...

And a— *taps * Check, one, two.”

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So I was granted one wish to see everyone I jerked off to in one room

I took to the stage and said "ladies, you might be wondering why Ryan Gosling and I are standing next to each other but....."

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A ventriloquist is on stage telling a dumb blonde joke...

...when a platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “...

Why did the directors of the performance ask for a stage made out of Scrabble tiles?

So they could have a play on words.

Why are people on stage so good at small talk?

Because they have microphones

Jose a man who forces their pet to be vegan wakes up to go to a job interview

Jose gets things together to leave and drives down to the comedy club.

Jose: “Hi, I’m here for an interview.”

Manager: “Sure just go up on the stage and we’ll be with you soon.”

Jose looks confused but walks up on the stage. The manager starts to whisper something to everyone a...

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3 Stages Of Sex in Marriage

Stage 1 - Honeymoon Sex - you have just gotten married and you two have sex constantly.

Stage 2 - Birthday Sex - you have been married a while and now only have sex on Holidays and Special Occasions.

Stage 3 - Hallway Sex - after a long time being married when you two pass each other...

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

An egg was on stage

He was telling lots of eggcelent yolks that made the crowd crack up

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

Activists Sued for Copyright Violation after portraying Trump as Jafar in Aladdin Stage Show.

Judge says Pantomime to Tyrancy was Tantamount to Piracy.

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

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A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.

The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it. The owner says “sorry sir we don’t o...

We staged an intervention with our flat-earther friend.

He said he felt cornered.

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

What do you call the stage at a Polish strip club?

Empty. It only has a Pole.

The contestants of the Nashville beauty pageant enter the stage.

Infront of them is an audience of over 2000 and a judging panel consisting of one man, on his own, wearing an eyepatch.

Suddenly, the judge thrusts his arm out infront of him. He opens his hand out, and there, sitting in the middle of his palm is a bee staring intensely at the contestants on ...

What’s Darth Vader’s stage name when he plays his electric piano?

The synth lord

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

Didja ever notice...

When someone is on stage, their voice bounces off the walls and stuff to be heard easily by the audience, but if there's a pigeon on stage you can't really hear it at all? I found out why...

A coo sticks

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

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Four idiots were in the finals stages of becoming full members of the local skin-head biker gang. Their last assignment was to terrorize some Jews at a bar mitzvah later that afternoon.

They failed their final assignment because the rabbi saw them when they first arrived. He had the four skins immediately removed before they caused any trouble.

What's the best stage name for a stripper with no teeth?

Crystal Meth

Harry Houdini used to fall through a trap door in every act

He was going through a stage

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

THE EPSTEIN FART

Dr. Epstein, a world- renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture. On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son. He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers ...

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

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Once there was a big dick competition at some place

This guy JOE really wanted to win this one as he thought he had a big dick. But he got late. He rushes to the place but the competition was already underway.
He goes straight to the judges and begs them to let him show his dick to audience and get some sweet-ass karma points from the public. He ...

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

What do Bill Gates and Elon Musk have in common?

They broke windows live on stage.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

I once went to theatre for a surprise...

As I sat down with my friend we eagerly awaiting what was promised to be an amazing, thought provoking production, acclaimed to bring us a better understanding of the world around us.

The lights darkened and the curtain rose, on the stage sat a single chair, and a thick book, a man came on st...

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It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run...

A man goes to an open mic at the local jazz club

He gets on stage and starts scatting.

He's promptly arrested for indecent exposure.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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A real dummy

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just j...

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The local bar in town was looking for a piano player to play on weekends

I obliged because I love to play, and I could really use the money at the time.

Anyway, I am at the interview/audition playing a couple songs for the owner. The owner walks over to me after the first song and says, "You're pretty good, man. What's that one called?"

Me: "Fuck You Dude"...

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The Moon landings were staged...

... specifically, they had three stages, which were discarded in sequence as the rocket ascended to space to save on mass.

A dyslexic man is walking around in a bra.

Not sure why he’s on our high school gym stage, though. Maybe he saw the sign saying “*Grad* Night”?

What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

Denile.

people always tell me how rude they think it is when people play loud music in public so I was really surprised when people got mad at me for putting a stop to it.

They always tell things like, "Get off the stage!" and "I paid good money for these tickets!"

How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

What did the skeleton choose for his stage name?

"Pelvis".

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

This big Texan guy went up on stage and said "Can I get an 'owdy partner?"

I thought what a bloody cheek. Most of us can't even afford a round of drinks and this guy shows up outta nowhere and wants a free car.

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There's 4 stages of 'sex' in every relationship..

First - there's the every where sex. That is when you first started dating and you have sex every where. Bonus points for public places..



Second - House sex. You have sex every where in the house.. kitchen, bathroom, living room, swimming pool .. basically every where.


...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Of Course the Moon Landings Were Staged

I've never heard of a single staged rocket going to the moon.

When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

An oldie, but a goodie.

A husband and wife are in the delivery room, she is going into labor and in intensive pain.
The doctor tells the husband they have a new piece of tech that can share the labor pains with the Father.
The husband is skeptical, but decides to do this to help his wife. The device shares the pain...

4 stages of life

1. You believe in Santa

2. You don´t believe in Santa

3. You are Santa

4. You look like Santa

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