Why did the thief go to the theater?

He wanted to steal the spotlight.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

I saw Sonic The Hedgehog at the movie theater...

The only problem with it was that it ended too *fast*.

The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day?

Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

At movie theater

Security: Sir,Show me your bag.


Me:( shows*)


Security: Sir,What is this?


Me: (Panics*) What?


Security: This between the gun and cocaine packet?


Me: Chips packet.


Security: Sorry sir outside eatables are not allowed.

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

Why did Lincoln get attacked when sitting in a personal theater balcony?

Because it was John Wilke's booth.

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

Why is the blonde woman waiting for her 15 friends outside the movie theater?

Because the movie is over 16's

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the story about the guy who was caught masturbating in a theater box?

It was quite a tier jerker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a theater and orders two tickets.

"For Romeo and Juliet?" the ticket vendor asks.

"No," the man replies. "For me and my wife."

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

Saudi Arabia just announced they will allow movie theaters for the first time in over 35 years.

This has brought with it lots of excitement in the country. The first movie expected to be played is the classic middle eastern comedy Schindler's list.

My great-grandfather kept screaming, "The Titantic's going to sink! The Titanic's going to sink." And everyone got angry...

... so they kicked him out of the movie theater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My local theater was putting on a group of XXX roman plays. I thought it sounded sexy so I decided to go.

It was thirty plays

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?

He kept asking where to buy cop porn.

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

My grandpa told me that he got to see the titanic and that from the beginning he told them not to get onboard because he knew it was going to sink

But no one listened and he repeatedly told them until the minute he got kicked out of the movie theater

Movie Theater

I was in a theater last night watching a very sad movie and all the sudden this guy behind me starts whaling and I get hit in the back of the head with a harpoon

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

What did Yoda say about the musical theater production that he hated?

"LAME IS."



Happy Star Wars Day.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

What do you call a girl who’s into theater chicks?

A thesbian

What do 85% of movies that don't hit the theaters all have in common?

Nicholas Cage

The married couple is getting ready for going to the theater.

The wife is standing in front of a mirror and saying:

"So I am fat here and here.."

"This flab here is a total disaster.."

Then she turned to her husband and said "Could you say something nice about me?"

Well, despite your age, your eyesight is really good.

I played the part of "tree" in my theater's production four times.

Guess I'm pretty well-rooted in the part.

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A real dummy

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.

It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.

By this ...

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”

“Solo?”

“No, I said *four* tickets.”

Why did eighteen blonde women go to the movie theater?

It said under 17 not permitted.

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

if you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

I visited ford's theater on vacation

Is it wrong that I got a Lincoln shot glass from the gift shop?

What did Usher say when he started working at the movie theater?

These are my concessions.

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

I wanted to go see Malcolm X when it came out in theaters...

But I was afraid wouldn't get it since I hadn't seen 1 through 9

Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is watching a movie at a movie theater.

Suddenly, he has a tremendous urge to pass gas and wants to do it silently. Fortunately, there is a scene on the screen with a freight train going by, and he lets out a big one. After he does his business and the train passes, the guy next to him turns to him and asks,

"Excuse me sir, but do ...

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.

I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though - I see a little silhouetto of a man.

My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.

When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.

An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

"...

A man goes to the movie theater

He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"

His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"

The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play.

We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.

I hate theaters

Everything is so staged

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"

The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."

"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
...

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.



They kicked him out of the theater.

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dining alone sees a gorgeous red head

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively...

After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

You should never yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater

The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him

I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.

"Ow!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"

"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.

"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery." And then she went into labor.

What do you call a theater production based on a dictionary?

A play on words

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"

The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

Avengers Endgame Spoiler [Joke, no real spoilers]

Buddy: Yo so I just watched Avengers Endgame, and you know what happened?

Me: Might as well tell me, so many spoilers on social media anyway

Buddy: Well, I was at the theater, and I saw your girl with another dude...

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to ...

A Newfie family froze to death at a drive-in movie theater.

They were watching "Closed For The Season"

FYI Newfies are Canadians from Newfoundland. Newfie jokes are very similar to Polack jokes. Every region of the world has their "Newfies", and it's fun to find out what they are in different areas.

How unselfaware does someone have to be to not realize how loud their baby is in a movie theater?

I can barely hear the person on the other end of the line!

Why do so many /r/thedonald users work in movie theaters?

Because they're great at projecting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...

But I was too scared to come.

A ghost walks into a theater and goes to the concession stand

But he gets turned away because they don't serve spirits

Did you hear about the blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They were waiting for "Closed For The Winter" to start.

Two people were standing in line at the movie theater...

This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, "what the hell are you doing?"

The other man replied, "I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."

The first man said, "yeah? Wel...

I Was Going To Write A Theater Piece On Puns....

...but then I realized it would just be a play on words.

A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel who shows him around the place

"Over there is a local restaurant, it's guaranteed to have your favorite meal there" said the angel

"And over there is a theater, and to the left, there's a swimming pool"

The angel soon finishes the tour and finds that the man is overjoyed.

The angel had one more thing to say t...

I heard Lincoln is doing well in theaters

Traditionally, this has not been true.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

Going to watch a movie in theater

Me: This movie is pirated
Friend: How?
Me: This movie has got 3.14 rating

Bro, I just watched avengers endgame, wanna hear a spoiler?

"Okay, tell me I'm not scared."

"I saw your girlfriend with someone else in the theater."

Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day?

He stole the show!

Why wasn't the Canadian scared at the movie theater?

He knew Nunavut was real.

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac...

A man is on his way to the movie theater

When a goose starts following him. He gets to the theater and the goose is right behind him. He asks for a ticket to the movie and the theater owner meets him at the door and say "I'm sorry but you can't bring that goose in here." The man replies "it's been following me for the past mile and a half,...

My dad kept on warning everyone the titanic was gonna sink, but no one listened to him.

Finally, they had enough of him and kicked him out the theater.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

I asked my brother why he was taking a dictionary and thesaurus to his theater rehearsal.

He said it was a play on words.

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