UPJOKE
theatreoperacomedydramacinemaplayactortragedystagedancehouseballeteuripidesorchestramusic hall

A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.

"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"

"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.

"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."

I went to the movies and there was a man who brought his dog into the theater with him.

After the movie, I went up to the man and I said "Hey this might sound weird, but it seemed like your dog was really enjoying the movie." The man said "Yeah, I'm suprised too, because he *hated* the book!"

An usher was cleaning out a theater after a show in the late sixties.

Walking into the theater the usher noticed a hippy was laying passed out, sprawled across several rows of chairs.

"Hey! You can't be here, shows over." He poked the hippy with his broom. The hippy groaned. "You gotta go man. Shows over."

The hippy just moaned, and the usher took pity o...

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

What did the theater actor get for Christmas?

Stage presents.

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

A crime at the movie theater

A police detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got done investigating a burglary at the local movie theater," the detective tells the bartender. "They lost almost $10,000." "That's horrible," the bartender says. "Did they get the cash register?" "No," the detective replies. "Just three...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

I once wrote an entire theater production based on puns.

It was a play on words.

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theater to watch a mime show.

The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.
The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row. He then ask, "Can you see me now?"
The men Respond:
YES
OUI
SI
JA

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

The community theater recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play

On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The dejected man looked up. “You look familiar” he said.

“I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me”

“I am Chad Kroeger, ...

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

Mr. Johnson walked into a movie theater and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.

Much to Mr. Johnson's astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.

When they left the theater, Mr. Johnson told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"

"I thou...

Why doesn't Lincoln like theater plays?

Because the last one he saw blew his mind.

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

I’m still shocked about the streaker at the movie theater

It was a private showing

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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How my husband and I terrified a cab driver,,,

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat sc...

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.

When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You...

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

"Doctor, my wife is secretly a movie theater!"

"I think you're just projecting."

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day?

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

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Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

Why couldn't Bach go to the theater?

Because he was baroque

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

Movie Theater

I was in a theater last night watching a very sad movie and all the sudden this guy behind me starts whaling and I get hit in the back of the head with a harpoon

The Horse and the Movie Theater

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me… are you a horse?”

"Why yes, I am," replies the horse.

"What are you doing at this movie?"

The horse says, “I really liked the book."

Why did the thief go to the theater?

He wanted to steal the spotlight.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day?

Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind

My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

In response to bankruptcy, AMC will open libraries in their theaters

They're calling it paper-view.

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Did you hear the story about the guy who was caught masturbating in a theater box?

It was quite a tier jerker.

What do 85% of movies that don't hit the theaters all have in common?

Nicholas Cage

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

Being called a "snack" or a "tall drink of water" is all fun and games

Until your partner leaves you outside the movie theater because no "outside food or drink is allowed".

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A man is watching a movie at a movie theater.

Suddenly, he has a tremendous urge to pass gas and wants to do it silently. Fortunately, there is a scene on the screen with a freight train going by, and he lets out a big one. After he does his business and the train passes, the guy next to him turns to him and asks,

"Excuse me sir, but do ...

Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

The married couple is getting ready for going to the theater.

The wife is standing in front of a mirror and saying:

"So I am fat here and here.."

"This flab here is a total disaster.."

Then she turned to her husband and said "Could you say something nice about me?"

Well, despite your age, your eyesight is really good.

Just got into my seats at the movie theater for the new Star Wars.

Movie employee told me my seats were D1 D2... I told him there is a mistake I thought they were suppose to be R2 D2.

Just watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood in theaters and without knowing anything about it other than the title.

I still don't.

What did Yoda say about the musical theater production that he hated?

"LAME IS."



Happy Star Wars Day.

Yo mama is so fat...

... that when she went to the movie theater she sat next to everybody.

Why did Epstein never leave his coat with the cloakroom attendant of the theater?

He preferred to hang himself.

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a theater and orders two tickets.

"For Romeo and Juliet?" the ticket vendor asks.

"No," the man replies. "For me and my wife."

I played the part of "tree" in my theater's production four times.

Guess I'm pretty well-rooted in the part.

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”

“Solo?”

“No, I said *four* tickets.”

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The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play.

We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to ...

if you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

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So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

What do you call a girl who’s into theater chicks?

A thesbian

"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"

The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."

"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
...

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

"...

What did Usher say when he started working at the movie theater?

These are my concessions.

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

I wanted to go see Malcolm X when it came out in theaters...

But I was afraid wouldn't get it since I hadn't seen 1 through 9

Why did eighteen blonde women go to the movie theater?

It said under 17 not permitted.

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"

The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.

"Ow!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"

"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.

"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery." And then she went into labor.

A man goes to the movie theater

He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"

His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"

The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."

You should never yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater

The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him

Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...

But I was too scared to come.

A Newfie family froze to death at a drive-in movie theater.

They were watching "Closed For The Season"

FYI Newfies are Canadians from Newfoundland. Newfie jokes are very similar to Polack jokes. Every region of the world has their "Newfies", and it's fun to find out what they are in different areas.

Why wasn't the Canadian scared at the movie theater?

He knew Nunavut was real.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

A Weird Doctor Visit

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in t...

Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day?

He stole the show!

Two people were standing in line at the movie theater...

This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, "what the hell are you doing?"

The other man replied, "I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."

The first man said, "yeah? Wel...

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

I hate theaters

Everything is so staged

A man is on his way to the movie theater

When a goose starts following him. He gets to the theater and the goose is right behind him. He asks for a ticket to the movie and the theater owner meets him at the door and say "I'm sorry but you can't bring that goose in here." The man replies "it's been following me for the past mile and a half,...

A young blonde woman wants to go to the movies with one of her friends, but none of them are available, so she decides to go by herself.

"Please be careful," says her brunette roommate. "I went to the movies once by myself, and I had to change my seat thrice because I kept finding myself sitting next to a man who tried to make out with me."

"Don't worry!" replies the blonde. "I'll be careful!"

When the blonde comes back...

Did you hear about the blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They were waiting for "Closed For The Winter" to start.

Do you want to watch the movie "Venom", about Spider-Man's archenemy, before it hits theaters? Easy!

You just have to navigate the dark web...

An old couple was found dead in a drive in theater

… they came to see the movie "Closed for Winter".

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