An Englishman, a Frenchman, A Spaniard and a German go to the theater to watch a mime show.

The men have bad eyesight so they are squinting through the whole performance.
The mime sees their problem and stops the show and moves them to the front row. He then ask, "Can you see me now?"
The men Respond:
YES
OUI
SI
JA

There is a new movie in theaters called "Antlers"...

The sequel was just announced, and it's going to be called "Unclers".

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

A couple were watching a movie in a dark theater when a mosquito went inside the girl's pants. Can you guess where did the mosquito bite?

On the boyfriend's hand, you dirty minded perverts. Smh.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

Mr. Johnson walked into a movie theater and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.

Much to Mr. Johnson's astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.

When they left the theater, Mr. Johnson told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"

"I thou...

"Lincoln" grossed $275,000,000 in movie theaters

Which is ironic since historically Lincoln doesn't do too well in theaters

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

I’m still shocked about the streaker at the movie theater

It was a private showing

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

Why doesn't Lincoln like theater plays?

Because the last one he saw blew his mind.

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day?

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.

When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

I'm starring in a new theater production about puns

It's a play on words

"Doctor, my wife is secretly a movie theater!"

"I think you're just projecting."

Magic Show

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelle...

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

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Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

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Norm MacDonald dies and finds himself standing in front of Satan.

"Oh no!!", he says, "Am I in Hell?"

"Yes," replies Satan, "but it's not as bad as you think. I'll show you the joint."

Norm looks around, notices that they are standing in a lush green field, with bountiful fruit trees, and fluffy clouds in an azure sky.

Satan says, "Not bad ri...

Why did the thief go to the theater?

He wanted to steal the spotlight.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

I saw Sonic The Hedgehog at the movie theater...

The only problem with it was that it ended too *fast*.

Why couldn't Bach go to the theater?

Because he was baroque

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At the movies

2 old women, Martha and Ethel, go to the theater. After watching the movie for a while, Martha nudges Ethel and whispers," Ethel, the man next to me is masturbating". Ethel whispers back,"Just ignore him Martha".

Martha replies," I can't ignore him. He's using my hand".

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

The Horse and the Movie Theater

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me… are you a horse?”

"Why yes, I am," replies the horse.

"What are you doing at this movie?"

The horse says, “I really liked the book."

2 Redditors went to a movie theater where they don't allow anyone to leave until the first half of the movie is over.

The movie was very boring. So during the interval, they got out flustered.

But eventually thinking about the theater, one of the Redditors said to the other,

" I am not gonna lie, they had us in the first half."

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day?

Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind

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A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

In response to bankruptcy, AMC will open libraries in their theaters

They're calling it paper-view.

Movie Theater

I was in a theater last night watching a very sad movie and all the sudden this guy behind me starts whaling and I get hit in the back of the head with a harpoon

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

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Did you hear the story about the guy who was caught masturbating in a theater box?

It was quite a tier jerker.

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

Just watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood in theaters and without knowing anything about it other than the title.

I still don't.

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Baste on a true story.

What do 85% of movies that don't hit the theaters all have in common?

Nicholas Cage

Just got into my seats at the movie theater for the new Star Wars.

Movie employee told me my seats were D1 D2... I told him there is a mistake I thought they were suppose to be R2 D2.

My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

My grandfather looked at the Titanic and knew that it would sink.

He kept on saying it but no one listened to him. He kept on repeating it till he got kicked out of the movie theater.

What did Yoda say about the musical theater production that he hated?

"LAME IS."



Happy Star Wars Day.

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

I played the part of "tree" in my theater's production four times.

Guess I'm pretty well-rooted in the part.

The married couple is getting ready for going to the theater.

The wife is standing in front of a mirror and saying:

"So I am fat here and here.."

"This flab here is a total disaster.."

Then she turned to her husband and said "Could you say something nice about me?"

Well, despite your age, your eyesight is really good.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went ...

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A man is watching a movie at a movie theater.

Suddenly, he has a tremendous urge to pass gas and wants to do it silently. Fortunately, there is a scene on the screen with a freight train going by, and he lets out a big one. After he does his business and the train passes, the guy next to him turns to him and asks,

"Excuse me sir, but do ...

An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

"...

What did Usher say when he started working at the movie theater?

These are my concessions.

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”

“Solo?”

“No, I said *four* tickets.”

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The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

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I was surprised when my girlfriend invited me go to the theater to watch hardcore porn.

Turns out “three D movie” means something very different to her

What do you call a girl who’s into theater chicks?

A thesbian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play.

We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

I wanted to go see Malcolm X when it came out in theaters...

But I was afraid wouldn't get it since I hadn't seen 1 through 9

Why did eighteen blonde women go to the movie theater?

It said under 17 not permitted.

There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"

The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."

"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
...

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to ...

I visited ford's theater on vacation

Is it wrong that I got a Lincoln shot glass from the gift shop?

Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"

The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

A man goes to the movie theater

He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"

His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"

The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."

After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.

"Ow!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"

"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.

"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery." And then she went into labor.

I hate theaters

Everything is so staged

Sweet Aroma

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose...

A Newfie family froze to death at a drive-in movie theater.

They were watching "Closed For The Season"

FYI Newfies are Canadians from Newfoundland. Newfie jokes are very similar to Polack jokes. Every region of the world has their "Newfies", and it's fun to find out what they are in different areas.

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

If my theater troupe and I perform on stage and use the dictionary as our script...

...is it a play on words?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

You should never yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater

The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

Why do so many /r/thedonald users work in movie theaters?

Because they're great at projecting.

Two people were standing in line at the movie theater...

This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, "what the hell are you doing?"

The other man replied, "I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."

The first man said, "yeah? Wel...

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

Why wasn't the Canadian scared at the movie theater?

He knew Nunavut was real.

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