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I moved into a neighborhood down near a movie theater once

It was pretty nice. Everyone was friendly and it wasn’t even that expensive. I thought I could probably live there for a little while untill I got a knock on the door from a neighbor shortly after I moved in.

He heard that I was new, and wanted to let me know something about my next door neig...

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars.

The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

My grandpop always used to say "The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more"...

...great man. Terrible anesthesiologist.

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

Why doesn't Lincoln like theater plays?

Because the last one he saw blew his mind.

"Doctor, my wife is secretly a movie theater!"

"I think you're just projecting."

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I hate being dyslexic. I went to a movie theater to see some cop porn

And all I got was this lousy popcorn.

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas, three boxes of candy and a hotdog.

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy.

When he became tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

"Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"You...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

I once did a theater performance about writing puns....

It was a play on words

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

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Why did peewee Herman fire his lawyer when he got arrested for masturbating in a public theater?

He figured he could get himself off.

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Sex Position #189 "The John Wilkes Booth" (NSFW)

You blow a load on the back of someone's head in a movie theater and try to escape before you get caught.

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

Why did the thief go to the theater?

He wanted to steal the spotlight.

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.

It's ok though, it still saved me money.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Why couldn't Bach go to the theater?

Because he was baroque

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

The Horse and the Movie Theater

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, "Excuse me… are you a horse?”

"Why yes, I am," replies the horse.

"What are you doing at this movie?"

The horse says, “I really liked the book."

As I'm working the concession stand at a movie theater, a customer comes up and asks for a refill.

I ask her, "Can you take your top off for me?"

Her boyfriend asks, "What did you say?"

"The lid, I'm not allowed to take it off for her," I reply.

And with a smile as bright as day she hands me the now topless cup and says to her boyfriend, "shut up you wouldn't have done anythi...

In response to bankruptcy, AMC will open libraries in their theaters

They're calling it paper-view.

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went ...

I saw Sonic The Hedgehog at the movie theater...

The only problem with it was that it ended too *fast*.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

Sweet Aroma

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose...

Did you know Lynyrd Skynyrd owns a movie theater that plays a different classic film every day?

Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

The new mobile theater inside an R/V sucks.

All they show is trailers.

A guy is walking on a beach when he finds a genie lamp..

He rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out.

The Genie says, "Thank you for releasing me. I will grant you one wish."

The guy doesn't hesitate.."I want to be world famous! I want my name in lights in every theater around the world!"

"Done!", says the Genie.."Your name is now EXIT."

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

At movie theater

Security: Sir,Show me your bag.


Me:( shows*)


Security: Sir,What is this?


Me: (Panics*) What?


Security: This between the gun and cocaine packet?


Me: Chips packet.


Security: Sorry sir outside eatables are not allowed.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a "night light" and then put the cat in the backyard. When our Uber arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our parakeet we didn't want to leav...

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

Why is the blonde woman waiting for her 15 friends outside the movie theater?

Because the movie is over 16's

Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

Movie Theater

I was in a theater last night watching a very sad movie and all the sudden this guy behind me starts whaling and I get hit in the back of the head with a harpoon

Two friends named Monty and Jason went to a movie theater. Monty went ahead to grab the tickets leaving Jason waiting behind.

While queuing for the tickets, Monty chats up the gentleman in front of him, "Hey, I'm Monty," he says. The gentleman amicably replies, "Hola, soy Santiago."

Hearing the man's response, Monty immediately runs away and returns alarmed to his friend, shouting, "There's a Spanish in queue Jason"...

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Did you hear the story about the guy who was caught masturbating in a theater box?

It was quite a tier jerker.

An Entertaining Movie

A man was at a movie theater but couldn't take his eyes off a woman and her dog in front of him. He noticed the dog seemed to understand what was happening in the movie. The dog would laugh at the funny parts, hide his eyes with his paws at the scary parts and started crying at the sad ending.
<...

Use your big words

Kindergarten class 1A comes back from vacation. The teacher asks the class, "Ok children, what did you do during the break?" Sally says, "I went to watch mov-" The teacher interrupts Sally, "Wait, use your big words." Sally continues, "I went to watch a movie at the theater." The teacher asks Jimmy,...

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

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A Gorgeous Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexivel...

Just been arrested by the police after recently being given the part of Romeo in my local theater.

The script clearly said ‘Enter Juliet from behind’.

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

The Story of a Man and his Chicken

Back in the before-times, people were allowed to go to these things called "movies". This one guy wanted to bring his pet chicken to one of these movies, but unbeknownst to him, chickens weren't allowed in the theater. So, distraught, the man headed home with his chicken.

But on the way, he w...

At the movie theater, a girl returning to her seat taps the shoulder of the man in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” she says, “but did I step on your toe on the way to the bathroom?”



“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the man, expecting an apology.



“Oh good,” says the girl, “then this is my row.”

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

Two blondes froze to death at the drive-in theater.

They were there to see "Closed for Winter."

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

What do 85% of movies that don't hit the theaters all have in common?

Nicholas Cage

What did Yoda say about the musical theater production that he hated?

"LAME IS."



Happy Star Wars Day.

Why do the actors hate performing at the haunted theater?

Boo!

The married couple is getting ready for going to the theater.

The wife is standing in front of a mirror and saying:

"So I am fat here and here.."

"This flab here is a total disaster.."

Then she turned to her husband and said "Could you say something nice about me?"

Well, despite your age, your eyesight is really good.

I played the part of "tree" in my theater's production four times.

Guess I'm pretty well-rooted in the part.

My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday...

Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

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A man is watching a movie at a movie theater.

Suddenly, he has a tremendous urge to pass gas and wants to do it silently. Fortunately, there is a scene on the screen with a freight train going by, and he lets out a big one. After he does his business and the train passes, the guy next to him turns to him and asks,

"Excuse me sir, but do ...

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”

“Solo?”

“No, I said *four* tickets.”

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

What do you call a girl who’s into theater chicks?

A thesbian

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

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The first time I saw Back to the Future, it was at a theater in Alabama. As I was watching, I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck his mom!"

Thankfully though, before they were actually able to do it, the usher came and chucked them both out.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

I wanted to go see Malcolm X when it came out in theaters...

But I was afraid wouldn't get it since I hadn't seen 1 through 9

I went to the movie theater, and they said it was $6 for adults and $4 for children

So I said: "Alright, then give me two boys and a girl."

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

if you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater.

There will be other peoples DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there...

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So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

What did Usher say when he started working at the movie theater?

These are my concessions.

An usher saw a man sprawled across 3 seats in the theater

"Excuse me, sir, you can't sit across three seats"

The man only faintly mumbled and shifted a bit.

"Excuse me, SIR, you can't sit like this!"

Another faint mumble.

Grabbing his arm, the usher inquired "Sir, where did you come from thinking you can act this way?!"

"...

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

Why did eighteen blonde women go to the movie theater?

It said under 17 not permitted.

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

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A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

I visited ford's theater on vacation

Is it wrong that I got a Lincoln shot glass from the gift shop?

Did you hear about the movie theater that lost thousands of dollars?

The thief made off with a large popcorn and some candy.

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play.

We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

A man has a chicken on his head

He goes to the movie theater and says, "I'd like 2 tickets please."

The kid at the booth says, "You can't bring your chicken in here."

So the man walks around the block and puts the chicken in his pants and returns to purchase his ticket.

While watching the movie the man procee...

A man goes to the movie theater

He sees a childhood friend of his embracing a woman in the back rows. He goes up to them and asks, "Who's this?"

His friend proudly replies, "It's my lover!"

The man then said, "Not you, I'm asking my wife."

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At the command

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,

"*Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a t...

"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"

The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"

The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."

"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
...

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

I hate theaters

Everything is so staged

After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ...

he's going to build a 4th Wall.

In a theater

A man is stretched out on his back across four seats in a theater. The usher comes down and says, ”Mister, you will have to get out of those four seats. You are only entitled to one.”

The man only grunts and does not move. The manager comes down and says to the man, ”Mister, you will have to ...

A priest walks into a movie theater

...and finds that most of the seats are taken. He looks around for a while, and finally sees an empty seat. The priest asks the man sitting next to the open seat, "Excuse me, is this seat saved?"

The man looks the priest up and down and replies to him, "No, but it's willing to listen."

I was waiting outside the movie theater to buy some tickets, when a pregnant woman walked over and hit me in the face.

"Ow!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?!"

"Oh, so sorry." She replied. "I thought this was the punchline."

"Was that supposed to be a joke?!" I asked.

"Yep, guess I need to work on the delivery." And then she went into labor.

Can we talk for a minute about stereo types?

Home theater, boomboxes, mp3 players, etc?

A Newfie family froze to death at a drive-in movie theater.

They were watching "Closed For The Season"

FYI Newfies are Canadians from Newfoundland. Newfie jokes are very similar to Polack jokes. Every region of the world has their "Newfies", and it's fun to find out what they are in different areas.

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I was invited to a theater to watch a pornographic horror movie...

But I was too scared to come.

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