UPJOKE
hitpipinjectfilmsproutshoot downtakethrowscootdartbucksnapblastflashcharge

Shooting Jokes

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

We have the best schools for it

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

I had an uncle who went to jail for shooting a priest.

Fortunately it was just a white-collar crime.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?

because they practice at the best schools

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took an Olympic sprinter to a shooting range.

Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.

Why would Donald Trump run into an active school shooting, even if unarmed?

Because he knows one of his supporters would never shoot him

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

I hear Alec Baldwin is shooting another movie this year.

I hope he misses.

I'm trying to understand how there can be so many school shooting jokes on Reddit...

But I guess everyone's aiming at a younger crowd.

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen

He was charged for impersonating a police officer.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

Why did the American start shooting the river?

He learned fish swim in schools

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad fought in the war and killed people by shooting them in the belly button.

He was an expert in navel warfare.

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

A woman pregnant with triplets catches three stray bullets from a drive-by shooting.

In the emergency room, a doctor tells her she and her unborn children will be fine but they could not remove the bullets. He informs her all is well and the children, two girls and a boy, will pee the bullets out in around 16 years.

So around the 16th year, the mother is in the kitchen making...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

Three cats are hanging out one evening just shooting the breeze.

The first one says, “I really like milk.” The second one chimes in “I couldn’t agree more. There’s nothing quite like a good bowl of milk.” The third cat says, “I don’t know - I hear that water is better to drink than milk and costs less too.”

The first cat says, “OK, but I’m sure we all a...

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Alec Baldwin has resumed shooting on the set of Rust.

In other news, filming will resume next week.

What's the difference between an anorexic and a shooting star?

One's all skin and bones, and the other's a little meteor

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating...

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The ...

What do Michael Jackson and a fighter pilot shooting down a balloon have in common?

Both are King of Pop.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

I like my men like I like my shooting games

Top Down

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

I tried pigeon shooting.

But I had a hard time loading them into my gun.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

Did you hear about the mass shooting at the circus?

A dyslexic clowns got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

A Youtuber tried shooting a stun gun at a person.

What happens next WILL shock you.

How do you call a bread-shooting gun?

Carbine

Why is Chewbacca bad at shooting blasters?

He's a Wookie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A saloon was having a shooting competition

and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests.

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he kn...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Where's the safest place to hide after shooting someone?

Behind your badge.

I was in a school shooting

So glad I was because now I'm vaccinated

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

I'd make a school shooting joke but...

...most of them are already dead

That takes GUTS!

A General from the Army, Air Force, Marines and an Admiral all get together to decide which branch has the most guts.

The Army General says watch this."Private, Go stand in the middle of that shooting range while I commense a firing drill and don't move.""Yes, Sir!"replies the private as he ...

Why do so many American kids die in school shootings?

They're not allowed to run in the halls.

[-Jimmy Carr](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpxmKKtbw7w)

What does a church shooting sound like?

Pew! Pew!

I told my dad about the school shooting today

I don't know why he got so worked up over picture day

A man goes out shooting ducks.

He shoots a few, picks them up in his sack, and begins to walk home to pluck them. On his way home, he passes the local pub. From inside, a friend of his calls his name. He goes inside, they talk for a while, have a few beers, then his friend asks, "so whatcha got in ya sack, mate?" The man replies ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.