The 101+ Best Surround Jokes

A man finds himself in a jungle surrounded by cannibals…

Seeing no possible way to escape, he says to himself, “Oh God, I’m screwed!”

Suddenly a light shines down from the heavens upon the man and he hears the voice of God, and God says, “No my son. You’re not screwed. You see the rock on the ground next to you? The pointy one? Take it and throw i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've decided to surround my property with 4ft high concrete dildos.

My neighbour hates it, but his wife is on the fence.

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

I used to have a weird fetish surrounding my abilities to see, touch, hear, smell and feel

I came to my senses

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

But the sound from a pigeon doesn't do that.

That's because a coo sticks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

With the bribery and corruption scandal surrounding the World Cup, I want to remind everyone that money can't change someone's mind.

But I'm willing to try.

There's so much controversy surrounding school zones

I swear, I see a sign saying "end school zone" in every single one.

So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides...

So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and powe...

New Zelda game is going to be set in Spain at Christmas time. Story surrounds freeing a fairy’s captured father.

Zelda: Release Navi’s Dad

After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.

I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

Trump, Putin, Zelensky, and a little girl are on a boat in the Atlantic Ocean, and the boat is completely surrounded by man eating sharks.

There are only three life vests on board, meaning one of them will have to stay behind.

"I can't die yet! I have my next election to win!" And Trump takes a life vest and jumps.

"I can't die yet! I have a war to win!" And Putin takes a life vest and jumps.

Meanwhile, Zelensky an...

Surround yourself with people who have issues....

People who have issues, always have alcohol.

Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

My girlfriend said she's getting a massive tattoo on her back of an anaconda surrounded by flames.

"Do you think it will hurt?" I asked.

"Probably," she replied, "it will take many hours."

I said, "I meant being single."

The skin on your elbow is colloquially called the Wenis, but do you know what surrounds the Wenis?

Moreskin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever heard of the deformed man who had 12 nipples surrounding his testicles? He had to keep a metal rod in his urethra to keep it from leaking milk.

Sounds nuts, dozen tit?

A team of Ukrainian civilians is training with cardboard guns when the Russian army suddenly surrounds them.

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

An old man is on his deathbed, surrounded by his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. "Let me tell you a secret," he says.

"When I was a young lad, I lived life to the fullest. I had four or five girlfriends, drank gallons of beer every day, and owned a very expensive car. Then my friend suggested I should start a family. Otherwise, he said, no one would be there to bring me food when I was on my deathbed.

"So I ...

A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids. A lady went and sat down next to him.

"Are these all your kids?", she asked.

The man replied, "No. I work at a condom factory, and these are all the complaints."

THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that somebody made a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.

Police are looking into it .

I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!

It was... a lambush!!!

Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people"

They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend!

A prisoner is showering when all of a sudden four guys surround him.

He tries to leave but they won't let him. They tell him "don't worry, it won't be all of us". Panicking, in the hopes of scaring them away, he blurts out that he has AIDS. The guys back up, and thank him for letting them know. Then they turn to the guy on the end and say "Frank, you're good".

What do you call a wolf thats aware of its surroundings?

Awarewolf

A man is lost in an island. Suddenly he finds himself surrounded by cannibals.

The cannibals are closing in and the man says, in absolute desperation, "Oh god, I am screwed". To his surprise, god replies -

"No, you are not. Do you see that large stone?"

"Yes."

"Pick it up and smash it on the head of the chief."

"Are you sure god?"

"Yes. Pick...

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 15 black guys?

Coach.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed surrounded by his loving family

"Is my son here?" he asks. "Yes, I'm here dad."

"Is my daughter here?" he asks. "Yes dad, I'm here."

"Is my wife here? Is my brother here? Are all my grandchildren here?" They all answer, "Yes."

The old man frowns and says, "Then why the fuck are the lights on in the kitchen!"

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

An explorer in the Amazon finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: **"No, you ar...

3 Women, a Blonde, Brunette, & a Redhead are running from the Cops when they get Surrounded

So the Brunette Points and Says, "Look an Avalanche"
The Cops look, when they look back the Brunettes Gone.
So the Redhead Points and says, "Look a Rockslide"
The Cops Look, and when they look back, the Redheads gone
So finally the Blonde goes, "FIRE"
And they Shoot her

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

I had a dream in which I was completely surrounded by naked women.

I came full circle.

when protesters are about to surround a Planned Parenthood and the cops show up

do you think they yell "Abort! Abort!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A moth is on his death bed, surrounded by family. “Go to the light!” says his wife...

The moth opens one eye and says- “No shit, bitch!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick of being surrounded by assholes everyday

I should stop practicing proctology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

Why was the man in the subway not taking notice of his surroundings?

He was in a train of thought.

Why did police arrest the guitarist in the park who was surrounded by kids?

He fingered the wrong minor.

Uzbekistan is double-landlocked, being surrounded by Kazickstan, Afganistan, Turkmenistan, Kygenistan, and Tajikistan, all landlocked! So technically, Uzbeckistan is...

STANlocked.

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.

This is snow joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m surrounded by yes men

We all agree I’m a fucking idiot

I drew a picture of myself in a giant mansion surrounded by Lamborghinis and Ferraris

So on paper I'm a millionaire

An old [insert race/ethnicity] man is laying on his deathbed, surrounded by his family ...

He says, "Gather everybody around, I have some last words!"

"OK papa, everybody's here!"

"Are all my brothers and my sisters here?"

"Yes papa, they're all here!"

"And my children?"

"Yes papa."

"And my grandchildren?"

"Yes papa, **everybody's here!**"<...

A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...

...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

I'm surrounded by idiots

Unfortunately, I am currently stuck in a mirror maze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt?

It was a huge cat ass trophy

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

Because people are dying to get in there.

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.

He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle o...

Why did the campers think they were surrounded by wolves?

Tree bark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family

-My beloved wife

-Im here my love

-My son, are you here?

-yes father, im here

-my beautiful daughter, youre also here

-yes dad, we are all here with you

-THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ON?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple questio...

What do you call one white man surrounded by 200 blacks and Mexicans?

The Warden

Some days, I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.

Other days, I realize it’s not just some days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die?

He had an ace up his sleeve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

"They had me surrounded, and I was about to get shot...I could sense it."

I regret asking my wife about her first ever bukkake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.

They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.

Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital surrounded by several frantic doctors and 1 female nurse leaning over him

She notices he has gained consciousness and says to him "you may not feel anything below the waist".

He responds: "Ok. Can I feel your boobs then?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

my job is great, I get to travel a lot, I'm surrounded by hot babes, and I even met my wife on the job!

I love being a shepherd!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family surroundings.

A social worker from Boston recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia . She was on a tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

Three men were stranded on a deserted island

when they discovered a magical golden fish swimming near the shore. The fish promised to grant each of them one wish.

The first man said, "I wish I were back home with my family." In an instant, he disappeared from the island and found himself surrounded by his loved ones.

...

What do you call a pair of eyeglasses that questions its surroundings?

Skepticles.

There once was a criminal that was so so fat...

That not even the police could surround him

Archaeologists have discovered a mummy in Egypt encased in chocolate and surrounded by hazelnuts

They are calling it "The Pharaoh Rocher"

It’s a shame the pope has to be surrounded by all that security.

Can't he just learn to keep his hands to himself?

How to differentiate between the branches of the US armed forces:

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the b...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.