In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!

It was... a lambush!!!

I had a dream in which I was completely surrounded by naked women.

I came full circle.

Why was the man in the subway not taking notice of his surroundings?

He was in a train of thought.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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I'm sick of being surrounded by assholes everyday

I should stop practicing proctology.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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A moth is on his death bed, surrounded by family. “Go to the light!” says his wife...

The moth opens one eye and says- “No shit, bitch!”

What's your favorite asian stereo type?

Personally, I love sony sound system with surround sound.

Now is not the time to surround yourself with

positive people

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto find themselves surrounded by hostiles. "Shit! What are we gonna do, Tonto?"

Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger. "Who the fuck you talkin' to, white man?"

My friend always lives by this Motto "Surround yourself with positive people"

They tested him positive yesterday. Get well soon my friend!

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed surrounded by his loving family

"Is my son here?" he asks. "Yes, I'm here dad."

"Is my daughter here?" he asks. "Yes dad, I'm here."

"Is my wife here? Is my brother here? Are all my grandchildren here?" They all answer, "Yes."

The old man frowns and says, "Then why the fuck are the lights on in the kitchen!"

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

How to catch a bear

Dig a hole and fill it with ash. Surround the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.

Uzbekistan is double-landlocked, being surrounded by Kazickstan, Afganistan, Turkmenistan, Kygenistan, and Tajikistan, all landlocked! So technically, Uzbeckistan is...

STANlocked.

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he is ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he is surrounded by bloodthirsty savages.And he thinks, ‟Man, I’m totally fucked.”

‟No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, ‟You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, ‟Listen to me very carefully. ...

The sound of a musician on the stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound of a pigeon on a stage doesn't. The reason is a coo sticks

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

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Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

Why did police arrest the guitarist in the park who was surrounded by kids?

He fingered the wrong minor.

I drew a picture of myself in a giant mansion surrounded by Lamborghinis and Ferraris

So on paper I'm a millionaire

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

A prisoner is showering when all of a sudden four guys surround him.

He tries to leave but they won't let him. They tell him "don't worry, it won't be all of us". Panicking, in the hopes of scaring them away, he blurts out that he has AIDS. The guys back up, and thank him for letting them know. Then they turn to the guy on the end and say "Frank, you're good".

Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

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The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

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The Traffic Stop

A man is pulled over by a police officer.

The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem, Officer?"

The officer says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

"You don't ha...

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

People in glass houses...

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in said grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophie...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

When you're hiring for your business, take the stack of applications, and throw half of them out without reading them.

You don't want to be surrounded by unlucky people, do you?

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?

Coach

Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.

The genie offers them three wishes.

The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”

The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.

The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a w...

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

An old [insert race/ethnicity] man is laying on his deathbed, surrounded by his family ...

He says, "Gather everybody around, I have some last words!"

"OK papa, everybody's here!"

"Are all my brothers and my sisters here?"

"Yes papa, they're all here!"

"And my children?"

"Yes papa."

"And my grandchildren?"

"Yes papa, **everybody's here!**"<...

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I’m surrounded by yes men

We all agree I’m a fucking idiot

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

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What do you call the useful stuff that surrounds a vagina?

Kitchen

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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"


...

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A third grade teacher assigns her students homework

They are to ask their parents for a story with a moral and share it the next day.
The next day the teacher calls on little Peggy-Sue. Peggy-Sue stands and says “My daddy told me about the chickens that we raise for slaughter. One day we bought 12 eggs and only 9 of them hatched. The moral of the...

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

I woke up this morning to find my patio covered in little brown squishy piles surrounded by little frog-like footprints.

I think they must be toad stools.

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

The Atheist and the bear.

One beautiful morning, an atheist was walking through the forest, admiring nature's surroundings...
He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...
He thoug...

I'm surrounded by idiots

Unfortunately, I am currently stuck in a mirror maze.

Why did the campers think they were surrounded by wolves?

Tree bark.

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I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

Why do fences often surround cemetries?

Because everybody is dying to get in.

Why are cemeteries surrounded with walls?

Because people are dying to get in there.

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.



He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”



The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle o...

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

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So there I was sat in my van

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware th...

A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony

Police are looking into it

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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family

-My beloved wife

-Im here my love

-My son, are you here?

-yes father, im here

-my beautiful daughter, youre also here

-yes dad, we are all here with you

-THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ON?

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

A longtime sufferer of depression was on his deathbed, surrounded by friends and family. He said "At least I'm gonna die doing what I like" to which his son replied "What?"

"Dying".

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.

Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

13, 13, 13!

A man is walking by a fence surrounding the local asylum. As he approaches one area of the fence, he hears yelling from inside. "13! 13! 13! 13!" The man is curious and begins to examine the fence as he gets closer to the shouting, and discovers a hole in the fence, at about eye level. He peers thro...

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Did you hear about the fiasco surrounding the reward for the prettiest cat butt?

It was a huge cat ass trophy

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The year is 1943, and an Allied encampment is surrounded by German forces.

There are three regiments in the camp: one American, one British, and one Soviet. The three have been surrounded by the Germans, who have cut off their supply lines and are awaiting a surrender of the Allied troops. After several days, this has put severe strain on the encampment’s supplies.

...

What is it called when a person in a coma is surrounded by flowers?

A vegetable garden

Two wanted criminals are cornered in a building

They are surrounded on the 13th floor
Criminal 1: We should jump!
Criminal 2: But we're on the 13th floor!
Criminal 1: This is no time to act superstitious.

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

Oregon fires trapped cattle on a pot farm...

...the farm made up the majority of the surrounding town’s economy so an unprecedented rescue effort ensued.

Unfortunately, It all burned to the ground and the steaks couldn’t have been higher...

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides...

So there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. The second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and powe...

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BREAKING NEWS: Bruce Willis found dead surrounded by 70 empty Viagra bottles.

Looks like he...died hard.

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

A man dies and goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven.

While entering the golden gates, he sees Saint Peter, surrounded by ticking clocks.

The man asks ¨what are those clocks for?¨

Saint Peter replies ¨These are lie clocks, and every time a person tells a lie, they tick. For example Mother Theresa gav...

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

Surround yourself

with people who have issues.

People with issues always have alcohol.

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When a girl buys a vibrator, its seen as a bit of naughty fun

BUT when a guy orders a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, hes called a pervert?

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman find a magic lamp

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are walking on a beach and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells them that they each get a single wish.

The Scotsman goes first. “I wish for Scotland to make the finest whisky forever.” The genie granted the wish, and...not mu...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

I came home today and my dog peed a little ‘cause he was happy to see me.

None of my friends pee when they see me.

I’m surrounded by fakes.

What do you call one white man surrounded by 200 blacks and Mexicans?

The Warden

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

"They had me surrounded, and I was about to get shot...I could sense it."

I regret asking my wife about her first ever bukkake.

A explorer decides to make a safari.

During it, he is attacked by a tribe of savage cannibals. Clinging to his life he flees from them for hours until he reaches a precipice. Completely surrounded and with no other way to flee unless plummeting to his certain death the explorer falls down to his knees and starts to do the only thing he...

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

What do you call a wolf that's aware of its surroundings?

Awarewolf

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A Drunk Went To A Brothel (long)

A drunk, four sheets to the wind, went to a brothel for some sex. Approaching the colorful brothel and stumbling up the steps, he banged on the door demanding to be let in. The madam opened the door and sized up the drunkard, who stood there weaving and red eyed, alcohol wafting from his breath....

An explorer in the Amazon finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: **"No, you ar...

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Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

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A man wakes up in a hospital surrounded by several frantic doctors and 1 female nurse leaning over him

She notices he has gained consciousness and says to him "you may not feel anything below the waist".

He responds: "Ok. Can I feel your boobs then?"

There was a deep sea fisherman

That accidentally caught an eagle porpoise - a rare species of porpoise (though not endangered) that inhabits the waters off Southern Mexico to Peru (ie, the Pacific coast). This species has a down-turned snout ideal for catching bottom-dwelling mollusks (octopi and squid) that inhabit the reefs and...

It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...

...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think tha...

Some days, I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.

Other days, I realize it’s not just some days.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die?

He had an ace up his sleeve.

Once I was ask out by 7 girls

The whole school saw it, I was even surrounded by the staff.


I was in the girls bathroom

An old Jewish Man is laying in his deathbed

He's about to say his final farewells and asks his wife to come close to him.

He asks, "Are my daughters here?"

His wife dutifully answers, "Yes, all you daughters are here with their partners and children."

He next asks, "Are my sons here?"

His wife replies, "Yes of cour...

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