a man broke into the theatre last night during the performance

he stole the spotlight

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

In an operation theatre at a hospital,

Surgeon: David, don’t be afraid. I know it’s your first time. You are freaking out. But it’s gonna be fine.

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Surgeon: I know. David is me.

I'm writing a piece for the theatre.

It's called "Dictionary: A Play on Words"

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Great bloke...

Terrible anaesthetist...

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

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I got a job offer as a cleaner at the cinema. Immediately, I thought of all the semen I'd be clearing up at the back of the theatre.

But hey, I'm sure there are downsides to the job, too.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

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A theatre company fired me for constantly forgetting the lines

Which is complete bullshit because I never turn up to rehearsals without coke

So a Movie Theatre was robbed

It was discovered that 5 bags of skittles, 10 snickers and 1 bag of Maltesers were stolen. The Theatre representative made a statement that they have lost over 4,500$ in stock was stolen.

My grandfather warned the people that the Titanic would sink.......

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we...

I love using our theatre’s trapdoor...

...it’s just a stage I’m going through.

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

I once went to theatre for a surprise...

As I sat down with my friend we eagerly awaiting what was promised to be an amazing, thought provoking production, acclaimed to bring us a better understanding of the world around us.

The lights darkened and the curtain rose, on the stage sat a single chair, and a thick book, a man came on st...

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A Musician Walks Into a Porn Movie Showing At a Theatre

He's sitting there, waiting for the movie to start when a couple comes in sits down in front of him.
Not wanting to seem like some creepy incel he leans forward & says;
"I did the music for this film & wanted to hear how it sounded in a theatre"

The woman turns around &...

I told my friend I was appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre

He said, "Are you being facetious?"
I said "No, Polonius"

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

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A pianist once played for a porn movie.

He decided to go to the adult movie theatre just so he could hear his own piano.

At the theatre he got very uncomfortable and embarrassed. The movie was very graphic. It involved group sex, double penetration and even a dog.


On exiting the theatre he locked eyes with the couple ...

Got thrown out of the theatre during the Superman movie...

... but I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

The Rose

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.


After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.


The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line.


You walk on...

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[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

I’m going to the theatre for a performance about puns

It’s a play on words

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?

Me: No, what?

Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff

Me: Oh my god, what stuff?

Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

What do you call a Jewish theatre?

A cinemagogue. Sorry, I'm not sorry

I just saw Les Miserables in the theatre

Personally I think the whole rebellion thing was staged

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Rip karen

I was working in a movie theatre in France, a customer started an argument with my manager, who was a highly functional alcoholic and did not give a fuck about pleasing Karens. She stupidly said ''customer is king" to which he replied "we' re in France, we decapitate Kings"

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

Blond girl in the movie theatre.

The blond rushes to the counter,
Blond girl: " Can i get a ticket ?"
Cashier: " you just got one 2 minutes ago ? "
Blond girl: " Yea but the idiot in the door ripped it in two "


Badum tsh

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My local theatre were showing some XXX Roman plays..,

I thought that it sounded pretty hot, turns out it was just 30 Roman plays.

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

‘Where are you going?’ asks Tom. ‘It’s not worth the wait,’ says Will. ‘Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.’

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...

authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

So I was in the movie theatre...

and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

What did the theatre critic's ghost say?

Boo

I'm in a 12 step program for musical theatre addicts.

I'm on step 5, 6, 7, and!

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I saw my local theatre advertising a night of XXX Roman plays...

I thought "ooo, sounds sexy," so I went along, but was disappointed.

It turned out to just be thirty plays.

My grandpa told me

He saw the Titanic.

At that time he constantly warned people the ship is going to sink, but no one would even give him the time of day.

My grandpa is the man. He wasn't going to roll over.

He kept warning over and over

until...

he was kicked out of the theatre.

I was in an operating theatre today...

...and a surgeon asked for a stool to sit on to perform the surgery. I got one, and pushed it towards him saying "stool behind you".

He replied "I'm so sorry, I thought it was only a fart".

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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What's the difference between a theatre-snack muncher and a person who watches police sex scenes?

One likes popcorn, the other likes cop-porn.

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He is informed upon arrival that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it is the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," the doorman, Clyde, tells him. Einstein says that is perfectly fine and there isn't a...

John Wilkes Booth

John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theatre."


Fiancee: "Break a leg!"

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So I went to the movies with my boyfriend...

It was our 3rd date and the theatre was mostly empty. So we decided to spice it up a little. He poked a hole through the underside of the popcorn bucket and put his wang through it. We thought it would be funny to jerk him off through the popcorn. But unfortunately I couldn't get him to come through...

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I was in a porno cinema the other night

I hadn't been there five minutes when a few people started saying things like "How do you sleep at night?“ and "You're a monster, you're despicable!“

So I replied saying "Look, I'm here just the same as you, there's no need for that" But then others started chipping in, saying how I'm disgust...

What's Long and Hard and full of seamen?

The Pacific theatre of WW2!

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

Shot in the back of the head

Name two people who were shot in the back of the head in a Theatre in America?

Abraham Lincoln and...

The guy in front of PeeWee Herman...

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A man walks into a brothel...

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for $1?"

The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs and into the room on the right."

The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door...

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A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

Taking up Three Seats

An usher at a movie theatre notices a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theatre.

He tells the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer justs moans and rolls his eyes.

The usher goes to get his supervisor who also tells the customer he must ...

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Engineer in Hell

There was a engineer who went to heaven, but when he got to the gates, St. Peter told him that he wasn't on the list and sent him to Hell. Thinking he'd spend his whole eternal life in Hell, the engineer decided to try and make it a better place.

Seeing as Hell was really hot, the engineer bu...

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The power of suggestion

Once, a hypnotist bombastically said he would take everyone in the hall together into a “let go” state of hypnosis all at once. “I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations,” he said. He began to swing the watch gen...

If you're happy and you know it

Can you please get along to the theatre where Snow White and the other six dwarves are waiting for you?

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

An oldie my Dad constantly tells me

Two men walk into the the theatre to watch a charlie chaplin film. Guy 1 makes a bet: "I bet Chaplin gets bopped the moment he walks around the corner" and guy 2 accepts.

They watch the film and as predicted, Chaplin get hit on the head so guy 2 has to pay up.

The first guy returns th...

A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You cant bring a duck in here, sir!"

The man, feeling dissapointed, walks away with his duck.

He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"

So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.

...

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Hark, I hear the cannons roar!

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent, saying that he's got a part for him in an upcoming play. "You'll have to go to an audition, but it's just one line - 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'" says the agent. So the actor goes to the audition, stands in front of the director and loudly procla...

Wait, which one's my seat again?

(At the Roman Theatre)

Brutus: Wait, which one's my seat again?

Julius (sighs) : A2, Brute.

\#IdesOfMarch

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

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Priceless

Cost of a candle-lit dinner for two: £80

Cost for theatre show tickets: £65

Cab fare home: £30

The look on his face when you tell him you're on your period: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's anal.

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The trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno h...

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