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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

Two men were talking. Said the first "I went to the theatre last night but had to leave after Act I."

"Why was that?" asked the second.
"Well, the program said 'Act II - one year later', and I couldn't wait."

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

Mitzi told her friend that she’s now working in theatre.

She said, “Yes, I’m responsible for handing out the roles”.

Her friend asked, “Isn’t that a difficult job?”

Mitzi replied, “No, every toilet has one.”

A man walks into a movie theatre and sees a pig

Disgusted by the wild boar , the man asks : “why is there a pig in this movie theatre?”

The pig turns around- “I liked the book”

A thief walked into a theatre

He stole the spotlight

(I saw this joke on plague inc and wanted to share it with you guys)

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night

The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

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The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful

That in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts

" Where isth she ? "

"In the attic" shouted half of the audience

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

I wrote a theatre production based on my vocabulary.

It was a play on words.

A girl goes to a movie theatre…

…with her dog.
The movie didn’t have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said “That’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe your dog is crying”

She responded: “I can’t believe e...

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist

"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"

"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"

"That's what I said, a whole pot of gold coins!"

Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.

Props to him

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

In an operation theatre at a hospital,

Surgeon: David, don’t be afraid. I know it’s your first time. You are freaking out. But it’s gonna be fine.

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Surgeon: I know. David is me.

My date stood me up at the movie theatre

I had to sit back down after getting yelled at by the family behind me.

TIL that my Grandfather actually warned people that the Titanic was going to sink…

Despite his constant attempts, unfortunately nobody listened, and he ended up getting kicked out of the movie theatre

TIL after his show on Netflix was cancelled, Jon Bernthal was forced to take a job as a doorman in a theatre who would occasionally warm up the audience with dad jokes

He became widely known as the pun usher.

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

Where did the mosquito bite?

A couple was watching a movie in a dark theatre. A mosquito entered the girl's skirt. Where did it bite??



>!On the guy's hand!!!<

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?

A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy: “Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.”

The cowboy ju...

My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.

He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.

How did I know the theatre was upset?

It was in tiers.

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

What was the name of the mission to revive the production of dramatic medical plays?

Operation Theatre

At the library, I found a book called “How to enter a movie theatre without paying”.

The librarian then approached me and told me that the author recently made a second book.

“What was it called?” I asked.

“My 2 years in prison”

I love using our theatre’s trapdoor...

...it’s just a stage I’m going through.

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

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A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife d...

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

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Why did the dyslexic employee at the concession stand at the movie theatre get arrested?

For bootlegging copporn !!!

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

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My local theatre were showing some XXX Roman plays..,

I thought that it sounded pretty hot, turns out it was just 30 Roman plays.

Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.

He was Tolkien all the way through.

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...

authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

Why did Obama have the cast of Hamilton preform at the White House?

Because presidents don’t do too well in theatres

A Woman goes to the Optician

for her annual eye test. The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.
"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"

"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

So a Movie Theatre was robbed

It was discovered that 5 bags of skittles, 10 snickers and 1 bag of Maltesers were stolen. The Theatre representative made a statement that they have lost over 4,500$ in stock was stolen.

I once went to theatre for a surprise...

As I sat down with my friend we eagerly awaiting what was promised to be an amazing, thought provoking production, acclaimed to bring us a better understanding of the world around us.

The lights darkened and the curtain rose, on the stage sat a single chair, and a thick book, a man came on st...

What do you call Bob Ross spinning around in circles at a theatre play?

Aphrodisiac

I told my friend I was appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre

He said, "Are you being facetious?"
I said "No, Polonius"

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A Musician Walks Into a Porn Movie Showing At a Theatre

He's sitting there, waiting for the movie to start when a couple comes in sits down in front of him.
Not wanting to seem like some creepy incel he leans forward & says;
"I did the music for this film & wanted to hear how it sounded in a theatre"

The woman turns around &...

So I was in the movie theatre...

and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

Blond girl in the movie theatre.

The blond rushes to the counter,
Blond girl: " Can i get a ticket ?"
Cashier: " you just got one 2 minutes ago ? "
Blond girl: " Yea but the idiot in the door ripped it in two "


Badum tsh

What do you call a Jewish theatre?

A cinemagogue. Sorry, I'm not sorry

I just saw Les Miserables in the theatre

Personally I think the whole rebellion thing was staged

Why did the fruit theatre company not pick the melon to star in Romeo and Juliette?

Because it cantaloupe

What did the theatre critic's ghost say?

Boo

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A pianist once played for a porn movie.

He decided to go to the adult movie theatre just so he could hear his own piano.

At the theatre he got very uncomfortable and embarrassed. The movie was very graphic. It involved group sex, double penetration and even a dog.


On exiting the theatre he locked eyes with the couple ...

Why couldn’t Hellen Keller see Pirates of the Caribbean in theatres?

Because she’s dead

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[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

I’m going to the theatre for a performance about puns

It’s a play on words

Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?

Me: No, what?

Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff

Me: Oh my god, what stuff?

Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns

Will and Tom go to the theatre, but Will gets up to leave after the curtain closes for the first interval.

‘Where are you going?’ asks Tom. ‘It’s not worth the wait,’ says Will. ‘Look in the programme. Act two - one month later.’

Got thrown out of the theatre during the Superman movie...

... but I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

I'm in a 12 step program for musical theatre addicts.

I'm on step 5, 6, 7, and!

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I saw my local theatre advertising a night of XXX Roman plays...

I thought "ooo, sounds sexy," so I went along, but was disappointed.

It turned out to just be thirty plays.

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The wife....

Thursday night had tickets to the theatre, but the wife didn't want to drive, so she phoned a cab......
Friday night got home from work and she didn't feel like cooking, so she phoned for a take away.....
Saturday night she said I have a headache no sex tonight... So I handed her the phone....

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

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What's the difference between a theatre-snack muncher and a person who watches police sex scenes?

One likes popcorn, the other likes cop-porn.

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

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A performer finishes their act and gets a standing ovation.

Everyone in the theatre is clapping. Except one guy. He's just standing there with his arms folded.

Later that evening, the perturbed performer finds the man in the lobby and confronts him about his standing no-vation.

"You are mistaken, I was indeed clapping. When I see brilliance, ...

Can't come in

A theatre manager was worried that his headlining act hadn't turned up yet. His assistant came up to him.

"Sir, you just received this letter from the headlining act"

The manager took the letter and read it.

"Dear sir, I am afraid I cannot come in for the show tonight as I have....

A Married Couple were at a party chatting with some friends when the Subject of Marriage Counselling came up

"Oh, we'll never need that. We have a great relationship." The Husband explained

"She was a Communications Major in college and I majored in Theatre Arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

A Penguin Farmer Breaks Down

A penguin farmer breaks down on his way to take his penguins to the zoo. A man stops and asks if the farmer needs help. “Yes” he exclaims and offers the man some money to take his penguins to the zoo. The man agrees, hitches the trailer up to his truck, and takes the penguins into town. After about ...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

My grandpa told me

He saw the Titanic.

At that time he constantly warned people the ship is going to sink, but no one would even give him the time of day.

My grandpa is the man. He wasn't going to roll over.

He kept warning over and over

until...

he was kicked out of the theatre.

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A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize...

Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.

On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it...

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Hark, I hear the cannons roar!

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent, saying that he's got a part for him in an upcoming play. "You'll have to go to an audition, but it's just one line - 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'" says the agent. So the actor goes to the audition, stands in front of the director and loudly procla...

I was in an operating theatre today...

...and a surgeon asked for a stool to sit on to perform the surgery. I got one, and pushed it towards him saying "stool behind you".

He replied "I'm so sorry, I thought it was only a fart".

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

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