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Safari Jokes

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

A priest goes in a safari...

A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion.
Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christi...

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Safari

On a recent holiday to Africa I went on a wildlife safari. It was fantastic seeing all the animals in their natural habitat, until I found the biggest elephant I've ever seen in my life dead on the ground. Sitting on top of the elephant was a pigmy.

Me. "Thats the biggest elephant I've ev...

A man goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. Whilst stretching their legs outside the jeep a lion jumps out of the bushes and corners the mother-in-law

The man's wife screams at her husband 'Please! can't you do anything to help!'

The man replies 'The lion got itself into this mess, it can get itself out'

Before going on a safari, my wife asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”

Me: No. I think they usually come that way.

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A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep...

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

A man is on a photo safari in Africa.

He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a...

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I was on a safari in Africa when I saw two male lions having sex with each other in the open.

I thought to myself, “Have they got no pride?”

I once went on safari and saw a giraffe humping an antelope.

Thinking back, I probably should’ve used google chrome.

A safari trip is a trip to the safari.

An Alaska trip is a trip to Alaska.

However, an acid trip is not a trip to acid. It’s a trip to the safari in Alaska.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

While they were still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke one evening to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted that they both try to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp. they came upon a chilling sight: ...

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A well-to-do woman was on a safari around Kenya.

As the visited a remote village she was pestered by enormous black flies just buzzing around her face.
She turned to the guide and asked "What is it with these flies everywhere?"
The guide replied "Ah yes Missy, these are Bum Bum flies"
"What an odd name" she replied.
"Yess Miss...

An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

Hunting in the African Safari

This joke was passed down to me by my Austrian grandfather through my mother. This is dark humor.

(Mom): "Did I ever tell you about your Grandfather's hunting trips?"

(Me): "No, where'd he go?"

(Mom): "For work, he'd travel to Africa a lot, and would occasionally meet with other...

Bush, Obama and Trump go hunting in a safari

They start the day by making a friendly wager; the one who kills the least during that day pay for the drinks for the whole night.

At the end they come back to their campsite and compares killings.

Obama says that he killed three lions and two hippos. “That’s nothing, Bush says, I go...

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night.

In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VER...

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The Last Safari

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like a steak," he rep...

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3 British soldiers were on a safari trip and got captured by a tribe deep in the jungle.

Once they were brought before the tribe leader, he told them:

“I will give you a chance to leave this jungle alive. You each must find 5 of the same fruit in this place and bring it before me to earn your freedom.”

The soldiers thought this was an amazing deal and all went on their way...

African Safari

A young couple went on a safari to Africa, accompanied by the woman's mother.

On the second day, they got separated from their party and found themselves in a remote part of the jungle. Suddenly, a lion jumped out of the undergrowth and stood growling ferociously in front of the mother-in-law...

Mr. And Mrs. Jones were on a safari

in the darkest part of Africa. They were walking cautiously through the jungle when suddenly a huge lion sprang out in front of them, seized Mrs. Jones in its jaws and started to drag her off into the bush. "Shoot!" She screamed to her husband, "shoot!" "I can't!", he yelled back "My phone battery j...

Two parents are dragging their 15 year old son to a lion safari.

"Mom, Dad, why do I have to go? I'm 15 and we're going to a frickin lion safari????"

"Son, it's pronounced 'African' Lion Safari."

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A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

What happened when the mad scientist fused two animals together on his safari?

*shrugs* "Elephrhino!"










My girlfriend slapped me when she got this joke, so I figured it was good enough for reddit

A married couple goes on safari....

A married couple goes on safari in Africa. Upon their arrival, they're greeted by a guide who shows them around as they explore the landscape and catch glimpses of the wildlife.

In the distance, however, there is a constant tribal drumming that continues day and night, without stop. It go...

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A englishman, frenchman and pollock are on safari........

In the deepest, darkest pits of the african jungles. They are sitting at camp when suddenly they are attacked by cannibals, beaten, tied and taken back to their village.

They awaken all tied to trees and the cannibal leader walks up to the englishman and says "Were going to skin you alive, ea...

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shout...

The Safari

Jimmy was an 8-year-old boy who loved animals. He longed to go to a wildlife reserve and experience nature up-close-and-personal. His parents, eager to instill moral values, were delighted that this was the case instead of playing violent video games. So, on his ninth birthday, Jimmy was ecstatic to...

Did I tell you my safari joke?

Never mind... it’s irrelephant

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Two college bros decide to go on safari

They grab their gear and walk off into the distance. They come to a river and must swim across it.
They come to a cliff and must shimmy down it.
They come to a ravine and must climb up it.
They come to a rock wall and must rappel down it.
They come to the jungle and start the trek th...

Three spinsters went on safari...

and they came upon a huge gorilla. The gorilla grabs one of the women and runs off into the jungle. The other two patiently track the gorilla for three days, until they come to his lair. Ethel, the victim, is horribly bruised and scratched, without a stitch of clothing. Wilma and Blanche quickly...

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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

Why did the jaguars stop playing poker at the safari?

Because all the others were cheetahs.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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A Englishman, a Frenchman and an American go on a safari in the jungle.

Sadly, they get lost and are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The head cannibal says, “Sorry guys, we have to follow our traditional. That means that we’re going to kill you, cook you, eat you and make canoes from your skin. But we’re not all bad - we’ll let you choose how you die.”

So the E...

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So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

Older Jewish joke: safari bar mitzvah

Mr and Ms Rosenberg are trying to think of something really special to do for their son's bar mitzvah. They have seen all kinds of themes and all of them seemed played. Finally they decided they would do a safari bar mitzvah. They would fly all the guests over to Africa, and do the bar mitzvah al...

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I was at a Safari, when the guide told us, “If you ever see a lion charging, reach behind your back and fling some poop at the lion to startle him.”

Me: Where will I find the poop?

Guide: Trust me, it’ll be there.

A friend of mine killed a lion on a safari....

...and instead of hanging the head on a mantle he hung its behind. He asked me what I think and I replied "I think it's a catastrophe."

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A guy and his family are on safari...

And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's i...

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.

He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.

Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its t...

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A man wins a safari trip...

Having never done anything like this before in his life, he goes to visit a big-game hunter for some pointers.

"Oh, nothing to it, old boy," the grizzled hunter chuckled. He removed a double-barreled elephant gun from its stand and handed it to the man. "If a lion charges, just plant your fe...

Donald Trump goes to Africa in safari, but they only show him a photo of some wildebeests.

Fake gnus!

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

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Grandpa storie

Gramps: "Once on safari in Africa, we were charged by a rutting Rhino, and I crapped my pants"

Kid: "I would have too Grandpa"

Gramps: "No boy, I *just now* crapped my pants.."

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

What do you get when you mate and Elephant with a Rhino?

You get thrown out of the Safari Park

Damn

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wif...

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

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Three good friends always wanted to go to Africa.

They saved all the money they could get, and finally went on their dream safari.

On one day of the safari, one of them proposed going to the nearest city for cheap girls and booze. One agreed, while the other said that he doesn't want to spend money on such normal things during a one-in-a-lif...

My old man has a heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the safari park.

What do you call a broken compass?

Safari.

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A young man is listening to a 90 year old, who was once a great adventurer..

The old man:

"Then there was the time we were on safari, and from some bushes, not 10 feet away, a huge Lion attacked going ROAR!!!"

"I tell you son, I just shit myself!"

The young man: I don't blame you! If I had a Lion that close, I'd shit myself too!"

The old man: No, ...

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A joke my Russian friend sent me

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The...

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A man walks into a doctor's office...

He drops his pants and bends over the table to show the doctor his asshole, which is red, inflamed, and about 15 inches wide.

"Good God, man!" cries the doctor. "What happened to you?"

"Well," the man explains. "I was on safari, and I got really drunk, and I ended up having sex with a ...

The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.

While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.

Of co...

I was on a trip in Africa when I was asked to rate the tour guide.

To which I responded “Safaris pretty good.”

Wheres the best place to find facts about african wildlife?

Safari...

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell...

Elephant never forgets

This man, Rajesh Patel wnet to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. Rajesh very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at Rajesh for...

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Dida

3 adventurers while on safari were caught by tribals. The chief came to the tent they were held in and gave them 2 options. Death or Dida.

The 1st adventurer choose Dida, as anything is better than Death. The tribals took him away. After 1 hour, they carried him out to nearest town. When he p...

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Bunga Bunga

Three men are on safari, captured by a native tribe, and brought before their king.

The king looks at the first man and asks “Death or Bunga Bunga?”

Not wanting to die, the man chooses the unknown option of Bunga Bunga and a giant warrior bends him over and anal bangs him.

The...

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

There's this one about two old men in the Explorer's Club...

And the elder of the two was describing his first trip to Africa on safari as a young lad.

"I rode through the jungle with the tribesmen and hunting party for days on end, and suddenly, out of the trees, came this huge tiger!"

His companion said "And what did you do, sir?"

"Well...

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Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready...

Lost in africa

Two friends became lost during a safari in Africa. Whilst discussing how to find their way out, they heard a viscous snarl to their left. Upon looking they saw what appeared to be a very hungry leopard. At that sight, one of them bent down and started tightening his shoe laces.

His friend sai...

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

Man suspects his wife is having an affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

 

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husba...

A blond girl walks in to a restaurant

While she was there, she met a man who worked as a server. They both fell in love at first sight. At the end of his shift, the girl Safari and the server met up and decided to start dating. Both were passionate about their relationship. After a while, they decided to get married. To make sure that t...

Witch doctor

A man walks into a bar and says, ''Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.'' Bartender says, ''You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?'' The guy says, ''Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here.'' He...

Grandpa's Scariest day

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday with his grandchildren, when one of them asks him about the time he was most scared in his life.

"Well Timmy, it'll have to be back in 1943 when I was on Safari in Africa"

"What happenned Gramps?"

"Well, I was with my best friend John on...

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A Big Game Hunter Walks Into A Bar...

A big game hunter walks into a bar, dragging a giraffe with him.

He slaps it down on the bar and nods at the bartender and says "I bagged this'n in the safari, but right now I really need to piss."

As he's walking to the bathroom the bartender calls out "Hey! You can't leave that lyin'...

Gorilla Romance

This middle aged, divorced woman from NY City is having brunch with her friends one day. One of them comments that she hasn't been herself lately. The others agree, and someone suggests she needs a change. The woman agrees and decides she is going to take a trip.

The next morning she visits a...

Two Christians are lost in a desert

David and Michael were going on a safari where they got lost and their car stopped working, they started wondering throughout the desert. With food and water supply almost ending and no reception anywhere they were desperately looking for help.
After a very long time in the heat of the desert and...

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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.

While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to ...

The Lion Hunter

There was once a world-famous hunter who was about to retire. He had bagged all of the world's most famous big game, except a lion. He had made a few trips to Africa, but each time, he had never been fortunate enough to see one. So he started planning one final safari, and he decided he was going to...

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Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STE...

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Vernon Koekemoer

A British man on safari walks into a bar far out in the reaches of a game reserve in Southern Africa, he stays at the bar for a while shooting the shit with the bartender and drinking like a fish, he offer to buy the barkeep a round and since no one else is within 2km of their small oasis of liquor ...

How do you kill a purple elephant?

**With a purple elephant gun.**

How do you kill a blue elephant?

**You tie a knot in it's trunk until it turns purple then shoot it with a purple elephant gun.**

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

**Open the door and put it inside**

How do you put a lion i...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

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