UPJOKE
leopardtigercentral americapanthercougarbig catsouth americalionskulllynxpumapredatorcarnivorepantheratapir

Why did the jaguars stop playing poker at the safari?

Because all the others were cheetahs.

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?

Shoot the Lion, get in the Jaguar and drive away.

What do all the Rainforest Animals say when the Jaguar finishes their shower?

They can't say anything, as the Jaguar is totally spotless.

What's the biggest difference between a Jaguar and a Leopard?

The Pacific Ocean.

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags," and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," then...

what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

What do you call a jaguar who cheats on his wife?

A cheetah..

A year ago, the Jacksonville Jaguars thought that they found the best coach for their team.

Turns out that was an Urban myth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Gordon Ramsay discern a leopard from a jaguar?

ITS FUCKING ROAR!

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember.....

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

old soviet joke (I believe it was created after Czechoslovakia uprising)

So John, Pierre and Ivan are having few drinks. Guys start talking cars. Pierre brags a bit - "Well, in Paris I drive my Citroen, but to countryside I take Peugeot. Of course, for longer trips to Europe my wife insists on Renault - its so much more spacious". "Well, that's nothing, in London I drive...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

A Lion and a Tiger escaped with a Jaguar from a British zoo.

They were caught 15 miles down the road when the Jaguar broke down.

I used to date a girl whose could text unbelievably fast. Her fingers moved like lightning! But then she ran away and stole my old Jaguar

I wish you could have seen my X Type

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

What does Chris Hansen call a baby jaguar?

A child predator

A group of explorers, along with a dog, are exploring the Amazon when the dog gets separated from the group.

While the dog is looking for the group, a jaguar sees the dog.

"I've never seen an animal like that before!" says the jaguar. "He looks tasty!"

The jaguar runs towards the dog, but the dog thinks quickly. Just as the jaguar is about to nab the dog, the dog says, "That jaguar I had ear...

Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s p...

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

If you had one bullet and there was a Lion, a bear and a jaguar. What do you do?

If you were in the middle of the forest and there was a lion, a bear and a jaguar. You had a gun with only one bullet. What do you do?

Shoot the lion, drink the beer and drive away in your jaguar. :)

... Obviously it's better told to someone than read.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

A drummer needed a car, but only had $200

A drummer desperately needed a car, any car, to get to work, but he only had $200. He called his friend who owned a used car lot and explained the situation.

“You’re in luck,” the friend told the drummer. “I’ve got a brand new Jaguar. Runs great. Looks great. For you, only $200. One small pr...

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.

Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality following allegations that he has been engaging in sexual acts at Chester Zoo.

He was last seen ~~getting~~ sliding into a Jaguar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four affluent fathers meet for a yearly round of golf.

Four affluent fathers meet up for their yearly golf match with each other. As fathers tend to do, they all start bragging about their children. The first father brags, "my son is a successful real estate agent! He's so successful, he gave a beautiful house to one of his friends for free!"

Th...

I bought a jaguar for my wife

It tore her to bits

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready...

Maybe its an XF?

A Lion wakes up in the jungle and finds that his fork is missing,

he goes to elephant and asks "Have you seen my fork?"

Elephant replies: "What does it look like?"

Lion: "Well it's got four points on it."

Elephant: "Sorry, I haven't seen it, try mouse."

So the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A Mink in the closet

A Jaguar in the driveway

A Tiger in the bedroom

and an Ass to pay for it all.

{NSFW} CEO from a well-known company walked into his office one morning,

not knowing that his zipper was down. His beautiful secretary walked up to him and asked,
"Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her Boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was done with his...

Four Animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little gi...

Jaguar just announced an XK-E Concept car they will show at the Frankfurt Auto Show this year.

They had been working on it for 10 years but they only recently figured out how to make it leak oil

Officer couldn't believe his eyes.

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar drive...

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.

He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in differe...

Materialist Lawyer

A lawyer is getting out of his car when another vehicle comes along and rips the door right off the hinges. A cop sees the whole thing and comes over to assist the lawyer who is screaming profanities at the driver of the other vehicle.

The cop asks, "Are you alright, sir?"

The lawyer ...

The genie

So this guy is walking down the road when all of a sudden he finds a random lamp. Knowing what this could possibly mean he quickly rubs it and poof out pops a magic genie. The mighty genie looks at the small man and states "I will grant you three wishes however to keep you out of trouble what ever y...

69 years ago

69 years ago both India and Pakistan got independence on this day.

Indians have become heads of Google, Microsoft, Pepsico, Jaguar, Land Rover and

Pakistanis have become heads of Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jammat U Dawa, Hijbul Mujahideen

Also India entered Mars but Pakistan still try...

There was once this Apache Indian

There was once this Apache Indian who had 3 squaws - but none of them were able to bear him a child. A medicine man advised him that animal skins were potent - following his advise, the Apache slept with his 3 squaws on different animal skins - a hippo skin, a jaguar skin & a leopard skin.
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.