UPJOKE
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Did you hear about the cheetah who robbed a bank?

He ran away so fast that he almost got away with it, but he was spotted.

A cheetah and a lion are racing...

The cheetah wins...

The lion says, "You a cheetah!"

The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?

Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek ?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

Why do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek?

They've never been spotted.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah

I thought: "He's trying to pull a fast one."

If a Cheetah made a rap group, what would it be called?

...Rapid.

What do you call a cheetah that's been eaten?

Fast food.

What's a cheetahs favourite colour?

**Purrr-ple!**

A lion, a tiger, a cheetah and a mouse fell in a hole

after trying to get away for hours, they gave up and accepted their fate

soon enough everybody got hungry.

The tiger proposed that they start by eating the weakest animal, the cheetah agreed, but the mouse stood up and said : "if you touch the lion I'll kick you in th...

What do you get when you mix a cheetah and a rhino?

A Cheeto

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race...

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race to see who's the fastest in the animal kingdom. The cheetah wins. The lion say "Hey, you a cheetah!" The cheetah says "Nah, you lion."

Why did the two big cats get a divorce?

Because one was lion and the other was a cheetah

Why don't people play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

Why wasn't the cat invited to the poker game?

Because it was a cheetah.

The cheetah is faster

Dandelion

Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?

The outside.

Why did a cheetah's company go bankrupt?

Because it can't read, doesn't know what is money or a business, and mauled the HR manager at the first meeting in the first day of work? Seriously, who thought this is a good idea?

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

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Tarzan

After a horrific accident, Tarzan had to go through miracle jungle surgery. His eyes were replaced with an eagles…. His legs were replaced with a cheetahs…. And his penis was replaced with an elephant trunk.

Tarzan was amazed! He could see farther with his eagle eyes, run faster with his chee...

Male cheetahs have a specific bark that causes female cheetahs to ovulate 'on-demand.'

Because you still can't trust them. They're cheetahs.

If Tarzan and Jane were Irish what would that make Cheetah?

The designated driver....

Don't date African cats

A lot of them are cheetahs and the ones who say they aren't are lion.

Why was the cat banned from running the race?

Because he was a cheetah.

Man. I know my wife is athletic and seems pretty quick on her feet...

but why do all my friends keep calling her a cheetah? She ain't that fast.

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

Why should you never play poker in Africa?

Because there are so many cheetahs!





^(Sorry I know this is super cringe)

Knock knock

A: Who's there?
B: Dandelion.
A: Dandelion who?
B: The cheetah runs faster dandelion.

Why shouldn’t you sit next to a cheetah during a test?

Because it will eat you

As a kid my favorite superhero was The Flash and my favorite animal was the cheetah,

I guess that explains why I'm now addicted to speed

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What do you do when you are riding a horse, and a cheetah and ostrich are chasing you?

You get your drunk ass off the carousel!

Teacher: Use the word Dandelion in a sentence

Jamaican Student: Da Cheetah is faster Dandelion

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly...

What animal always wins a match?

A Cheetah

What do you call a jaguar who cheats on his wife?

A cheetah..

Which animal is the least trustworthy?

Cheetahs

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

The lion was a an avid golf player

One day, he was randomly paired up with another cat. This cat was something else. Every time he'd tee off, zoom! He'd go running down the fairway, often beating the ball down the hole.

Not only was he fast as but he was good, really good. Every shot landed in the fairway, or even on the gr...

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

Why don’t the animals in the zoo like to play games with the leopard?

They all think he’s a cheetah.

A teacher asks her students to form a sentence with the word 'dandelion'

The Jamaican kid stands up and says da cheetah ran fasta dan de lion!

What do you call a cat copying off of another cat?

.....a cheetah!

Why don't cats like playing cards in the jungle?

Because of all the cheetahs.

Why shouldn't you gamble in the jungle?

There's too many CHEETAHS!

(Source: My Dad)

God and the animals

God is handing out characteristics to all of the animals, and he's getting close to the end of the list. All the animals have picked except the lions, the beavers, and the pigs. God looks up from the list and says "Who wants courage?" One of the pigs says to another, "Ooh, we should get that!" the o...

Guess who went to the jungle last night without telling his wife

A cheetah

I hate playing poker in the jungle...

They're all a bunch of cheetahs.

I have the heart of a lion and the legs of a cheetah

Needless to say, the zoo doesn't want me back.

Who isn't allowed in the zoo's quiz team?

The Cheetah

Why should you never play games in the Savannah?

Because the odds are, you’ll play a Cheetah and his friend who won’t stop Lion.

What species of feline can’t be monogamous?

A cheetah

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

The animal kingdom decided to have its first official land speed race. All the animals signed up to see who's the fastest.

After the race was over, and the results were in.

The judges deliberated, and decided to disqualify the winner..

Reason given: "He was a cheetah".

What animal is hated by most board game players?

A cheetah.

What does a dead cheetah means to Tarzan ?

A new thong !

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A english teacher asked the class...

... “Use the word ‘dandelion’ in a sentence.”

The Jamaican kid then stood up and proudly exclaimed -


“De Cheetah is fastah dandelion’

Did you hear about the cat that took a shortcut?

It was a real cheetah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

I dated a furry once

The relationship didn't work out, she was a cheetah

One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”.

Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

There are now 3 undefeated cat teams in the NFL!

The Panthers, the Bengals and the Cheetahs.

Why did they stop giving tests at the zoo?

It was full of cheetahs.

Why does a tiger make such a good girlfriend?

Because its not a cheetah.

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

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Why is Hitler's Favorite Animal the Cheetah?

Because they are the Facist animals within existence.

Why are some species of cat always endangered?

Because cheetahs never prosper

Why can't you trust a big cat?

Coz if they tell you they're not a Cheetah, they could be Lion.

Best cat jokes lmao

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
...

Why did the giraffe leave her boyfriend?

He was a Cheetah!

You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt...

Only a cheetah can.

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