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Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,


Dad....

Why are cigrattes and hamsters similar

There both pretty safe until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

The hamster dance

I was asked to perform the hamster dance
once, even though I wasn’t aware of how to perform it.

did a deed I didn’t know, though

Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

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What does a doctor and a hamster have in common?

Neither of them liked what they found in my butthole.

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

What do you get when you cross a hamster with a polar bear?

A loss of project funding and a stern telling off from the university ethics committee

Where do hamsters go on holiday?

Hamsterdam!

A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.

He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.

He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that car...

With all the recent posts it is my turn too to see if this French joke translates well to English

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

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A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender "If I can show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, can I have a free beer?"

The bartender replies "Ok, but I've seen some good things, it'll have to be really amazing."

So the man pulls out a hamster and a little piano. The hamster begins playing a song ...

Pickup line for male hamsters to females

Are you from Amsterdam? Cause hamster , damn !!

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

I went on a date and the girl asked me if I had any hobbies

Me: Yes *pulls a hamster out of my pocket* taxidermy
Hamster: and ventriloquism

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

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A man walks into a bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets...

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.

When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I hadn't been look...

What are the similarities between a hamster and an antivaxer's kid?

They both only live for five years.

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Did you know that hamsters die after having sex?

The one I fucked did anyway.

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A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

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Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

I told my son that I found his hamster.

He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

I was wondering why my hamster was so fat...

Then it became a parent.

I just returned my pet hamster.

I'm starting to think we should have used a tennis ball.

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

A mother brings another hamster home to her son. Excited, he runs to his father and says...

"Papua, New Guinea pig!"

"I've found your hamster," I told my daughter over the phone.

"You're a hero!" she screamed, "Thank you so much. Can you put him back in my cage for me?"

I said, "Of course. I just need to get him out of the hoover first though."

Hamster PickUp Line?

If I was a Hamster, and I met a female hamster I liked...id say "Aye Girl, You From Amsterdam? Cause Hamster Damn!"

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First Time Poster, Go easy on me ... "Hamster"

So.. A guy walks into bar and takes a seat ....

The Barman approaches and says what are you having boss?

The Man replies .. I don't have any money pal ...

Barman says if you don't have any money you can stay here ...

The guy says ...what if i told you i have a hamster th...

My little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...

*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.

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I named my hamster Awesome

Now I can say I'm fucking awesome

Where did the hamster deposit her paycheck?

Her shavings account

If Jesus made cheese what would he be called?

Cheesus

As told to me by a very proud junior hamster who probably won't understand the hit my karma will take for sharing their joke.

My hamster died today

He fell asleep at the wheel

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

A child brings his hamster to the vet...

and the vet says 'i'm sorry, your hamster died'. the child started crying and the mother asked if he was sure and if there was anything he could do.
The vet went to the back brought out a black lab, which proceeded to bark at the hamster with no response.
still not convinced, they requested...

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Dead Hamster

Mom: The kid's hamster died today

Dad: We should observe a moment of silence

Mom: Wow I didn't know you'd care so much

Dad: I don't I just want you to SHUT THE FUCK UP !!

How many hamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two.

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Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape?

So it won't explode when you fuck it.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "If I can show you something amazing, will you let me have a free drink?" The bartender plays along and replies, "Sure".

The man opens his jacket and out hops a frog. The frog runs over to the piano in the back of the bar and hops around the keys playing Mozart, Beetho...

I was laying a carpet on my son's bedroom.

So, finally I made it. A carpet on the floor of my son's bedroom.

After an inspection I found a bulge in the carpet, so I tried to kick it flat. After a few stomps finally the bulge has been flattened. All is fine now.

"Daddy, have you seen my hamster?"

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

Why do the rodent love doing deadlifts?

Because he loves working on the hamstering

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

An angry man is walking through the bazaar with a bear on a leash

And he yells: Where's the guy that sold me a ''hamster'' last week?!

I hate hipsters

Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

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A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

After a few minutes, he says to the bartender, " Hey, if I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?"

"We'll see," said the bartender. "I've had a lot of nuts come in here, and I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day."

So the ...

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

Where does a rodent gets his dope?

Hamsterdam 😂

Be gentle, my first one here on reddit;)

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

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A miserable married guy goes to a pet store.

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship.

He goes to a pet store.

The salesman says. "I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster."

Guy says, "Nah."

The salesman says, "But it gives great head."

The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "...

A man walks into a pet shop

He'd like to buy a pet for his lonely, widowed mother. The shop owner shows him all of the usual stuff,
hamsters, puppies, kittens, etc. and the man tells the owner that he's looking for something unique.

The owner takes him to the back of the shop and introduces him to raggedy looking par...

My friend once accused me of boiling my pets

To prove to him that this simply wasn't the case I showed him my hamster, Hamish, alive and well. He then said 'what about the incident with nemo?'

I said don't be ridiculous, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

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A talent scout walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and starts talking to the patron next to him, and somehow they start talking about their jobs.

"I'm a talent scout," the scout says, "I'm always looking for the next big act!"

"Really?," says the patron, intrigued. "I've got a fantastic act, more brilliant than anythin...

What do we call a wireless mouse?

Hamster.

Source: **Dad**

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A guy walks into a bar

With a suitcase in each hand and orders a drink, carefully placing his suitcases on the bar. The barman notices that these suitcases have holes in the top so gets a little curious.
"What's in the suitcases" he asks the guy.
The guy sips his drink and looks slyly at the barman.
"Would you...

I'm writinig a book....

It's called *""Pop goes the hamster" and other great microwave games"*

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Talented Pets

A tramp goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'

The barman agrees and the tramp pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone i...

Three of my favorite bar jokes. Kinda old probably.

1. Horse walks into a bar and the bar tender ask " why the long face"

2. Horse walks into a bar and orders a martini bar tender brings him one and starts to walk away. The horse says wait can I please have a olive in this. Bartender puts a olive in and the horse drinks it and eats the olive ...

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