What’s the difference between a canary and a hamster?

The canary goes “foshhh” while the hamster goes “fump” in the vacuum.

A guy walks into the vet`s office with a hamster.

He lays the hamster on the table and the doctor says, "I`m sorry, sir, but your hamster is dead."

"I want a second opinion!" the man demands.
So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "Well the cat says your hamster is dead," says the ...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter...

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What does a doctor and a hamster have in common?

Neither of them liked what they found in my butthole.

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

The lion is celebrating a party. All animals are invited, only the hamster is not.

The hamster does not want to miss the party and asks the rabbit: "Hey, rabbit, can´t you smuggle me in behind your big ears to the lion's party?" The rabbit´answers, "Nope, I'm not tired of life, if the lion noticed that, it would be my end."

The hamster then asks the fox: "Listen, fox, can´t...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

What do you get when you cross a hamster with a polar bear?

A loss of project funding and a stern telling off from the university ethics committee

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

Joke

So a man walked into a bar and said “I’ll take a coffee.” The woman serving asked him to pay and he did. He drank the cup of coffee and thanked the waitress. Then he asked for another. He looked through his pockets and there was no money. She saw it and said, “Money or no coffee.” Which he replied w...

Pickup line for male hamsters to females

Are you from Amsterdam? Cause hamster , damn !!

Why are cigrattes and hamsters similar

There both pretty safe until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

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Ernie the Hamster

I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:


Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,


Dad....

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.

When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I hadn't been look...

When I was young my hamster died.

My parents replaced it, thinking I wouldn't notice.

But I did notice and killed the new one too.

The hamster dance

I was asked to perform the hamster dance
once, even though I wasn’t aware of how to perform it.

did a deed I didn’t know, though

Where do hamsters go on holiday?

Hamsterdam!

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A bartender notices one of his costumers hasn’t paid for his drink, so he asks to see his money.

The man says, “If I show you a miracle, will you give me the drink for free?” The bartender agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a hamster, and sets it on the bartop. It immediately starts dancing. This hamster is the most incredible dancer the bartender has ever seen, so he say...

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning.

I'm getting rather good at golf

What are the similarities between a hamster and an antivaxer's kid?

They both only live for five years.

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Did you know a hamsters anus can stretch twice the width of its own body size?

Once.

I told my son that I found his hamster.

He was ecstatic. Until I said it was in the vacuum cleaner.

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

I was wondering why my hamster was so fat...

Then it became a parent.

Where did the hamster deposit her paycheck?

Her shavings account

A mother brings another hamster home to her son. Excited, he runs to his father and says...

"Papua, New Guinea pig!"

Hamster PickUp Line?

If I was a Hamster, and I met a female hamster I liked...id say "Aye Girl, You From Amsterdam? Cause Hamster Damn!"

I just returned my pet hamster.

I'm starting to think we should have used a tennis ball.

When my pet goldfish died my parents thought it would be a great idea to replace it with a hamster...

Poor little guy drowned in seconds..

Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

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Did you know that hamsters die after having sex?

The one I fucked did anyway.

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Hamster act

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The ha...

"I've found your hamster," I told my daughter over the phone.

"You're a hero!" she screamed, "Thank you so much. Can you put him back in my cage for me?"

I said, "Of course. I just need to get him out of the hoover first though."

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First Time Poster, Go easy on me ... "Hamster"

So.. A guy walks into bar and takes a seat ....

The Barman approaches and says what are you having boss?

The Man replies .. I don't have any money pal ...

Barman says if you don't have any money you can stay here ...

The guy says ...what if i told you i have a hamster th...

My little Hamster is such a laugh!!

He just stays in there on that circle thing going round and round and round for ages until ...

*DING* Then I take him out of the Microwave.

With all the recent posts it is my turn too to see if this French joke translates well to English

I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

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I named my hamster Awesome

Now I can say I'm fucking awesome

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A man walks into a bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets...

My hamster died today

He fell asleep at the wheel

A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.

He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.

He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that car...

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Dead Hamster

Mom: The kid's hamster died today

Dad: We should observe a moment of silence

Mom: Wow I didn't know you'd care so much

Dad: I don't I just want you to SHUT THE FUCK UP !!

A child brings his hamster to the vet...

and the vet says 'i'm sorry, your hamster died'. the child started crying and the mother asked if he was sure and if there was anything he could do.
The vet went to the back brought out a black lab, which proceeded to bark at the hamster with no response.
still not convinced, they requested...

I had an issue at the toilet due to the Corona Virus..

I had run out of toilet paper so I had to use socks..

dumb name for a hamster anyways.

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

How many hamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two.

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Why should you wrap your hamster in duct tape?

So it won't explode when you fuck it.

If Jesus made cheese what would he be called?

Cheesus

As told to me by a very proud junior hamster who probably won't understand the hit my karma will take for sharing their joke.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

A couple on the first date.

She: What are your hobbies?

He (gets a stuffed hamster out of his pocket): Taxidermy.

Hamster: And ventriloquism!

Where does a rodent gets his dope?

Hamsterdam 😂

Be gentle, my first one here on reddit;)

I hate hipsters

Their vegan diets, whiskery faces, tiny feet, and sawdust bedding. Oh wait, hamsters, I hate hamsters

I was laying a carpet on my son's bedroom.

So, finally I made it. A carpet on the floor of my son's bedroom.

After an inspection I found a bulge in the carpet, so I tried to kick it flat. After a few stomps finally the bulge has been flattened. All is fine now.

"Daddy, have you seen my hamster?"

Carpet Installers

As Bill finished installing the carpet in the lady’s house, he walked through each room to make sure it was done well. In the bedroom he found a frustrated co-worker smashing his hammer into the carpet.

“What’s going on Paul?” he asked. “I must’ve left my cigarettes under the carpet. I’m not ...

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

Why do the rodent love doing deadlifts?

Because he loves working on the hamstering

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender, "If I can show you something amazing, will you let me have a free drink?" The bartender plays along and replies, "Sure".

The man opens his jacket and out hops a frog. The frog runs over to the piano in the back of the bar and hops around the keys playing Mozart, Beetho...

A restaurant test-marketed its new breakfast sandwiches. They sold lots of Baconsters and Porksters,

but almost nobody ordered the Hamster.

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

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A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant (long)

He says to the maitre d' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

Moved though he is, the maitre d' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

After a few minutes, he says to the bartender, " Hey, if I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you give me another beer on the house?"

"We'll see," said the bartender. "I've had a lot of nuts come in here, and I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day."

So the ...

"Son, I have some good news and some bad news."

"OK..." he hesitated.

"Well, the good news is...I got you a replacement hamster." I said.

"A...replacement..?" he stopped, as a tear ran down his cheek.

"Yes, and that leads me to the bad news," I added, "You are adopted."

An angry man is walking through the bazaar with a bear on a leash

And he yells: Where's the guy that sold me a ''hamster'' last week?!

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A miserable married guy goes to a pet store.

A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship.

He goes to a pet store.

The salesman says. "I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster."

Guy says, "Nah."

The salesman says, "But it gives great head."

The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "...

What do we call a wireless mouse?

Hamster.

Source: **Dad**

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

A man walks into a pet shop

He'd like to buy a pet for his lonely, widowed mother. The shop owner shows him all of the usual stuff,
hamsters, puppies, kittens, etc. and the man tells the owner that he's looking for something unique.

The owner takes him to the back of the shop and introduces him to raggedy looking par...

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A talent scout walks into a bar.

He orders a beer and starts talking to the patron next to him, and somehow they start talking about their jobs.

"I'm a talent scout," the scout says, "I'm always looking for the next big act!"

"Really?," says the patron, intrigued. "I've got a fantastic act, more brilliant than anythin...

My friend once accused me of boiling my pets

To prove to him that this simply wasn't the case I showed him my hamster, Hamish, alive and well. He then said 'what about the incident with nemo?'

I said don't be ridiculous, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

Three of my favorite bar jokes. Kinda old probably.

1. Horse walks into a bar and the bar tender ask " why the long face"

2. Horse walks into a bar and orders a martini bar tender brings him one and starts to walk away. The horse says wait can I please have a olive in this. Bartender puts a olive in and the horse drinks it and eats the olive ...

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A guy walks into a bar

With a suitcase in each hand and orders a drink, carefully placing his suitcases on the bar. The barman notices that these suitcases have holes in the top so gets a little curious.
"What's in the suitcases" he asks the guy.
The guy sips his drink and looks slyly at the barman.
"Would you...

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Talented Pets

A tramp goes into a bar and says to the barman 'Gimme a shot of your finest whiskey and I'll show you something amazing.'

The barman agrees and the tramp pulls out a hamster from his pocket and puts it on the piano stool. The hamster then begins to play the most incredible music that anyone i...

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