UPJOKE
thiefrobberytheftstealburglarbanditmuggerburglarypickpocketgangsterthugheistkidnappervillaincop

Robbers Jokes

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

Two grave robbers walk into a bar

They go to a corner and start playing poker together.

An hour later the first grave robber goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks, “what happened? You look upset.”
The grave robber replies, “i just lost an arm and a leg!”

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.

The first one said - I hear sirens. Jump.

The other replied - But we are on the 13th floor.

The first one yelled - This is no time to be superstitious.

Two Robbers hold up a liquor store

One of them picks up a bottle and asked, "Is this Whiskey?!". The other one replies "Well not as whiskey as wobbing a bank".

Have you heard of grave robbers?

Apparently the catholic Church didn't get that message

What's the difference between a security guard and a child playing Cops And Robbers?

The child doesn't have a complex about pretending to be a cop.

Did you hear about the infamous bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one's sister.

They were both outlaws and in-laws.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blonde and brunette bank robbers

A blonde and brunette are parked outside a bank with ski masks on.

"Remember the plan. You ready?" the brunette asks.

"Ready as I'll ever be," the blonde eagerly replies.

The blonde rushes into the bank while the brunette keeps the car running. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 20...

Why didn't the bank robbers steal the car?

Because it was too heavy and made their arms hurt.

Grave robbers have one rule

No grave mistakes

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

There's a robbery at a bank.

One of the robbers accidentaly drops his mask. He puts it back, but he knows it is too late.

So he asks the closest man: 'Did you see anything?'

'Well, yes, I was close and...'

The robber shoots him instantly. He then goes to the second closest: 'What did you see?'

'Nothi...

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down?

cause it's a fell-on-knee

Why are Karen's so bad robbers?

Because they don't wear a mask

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

Say what you will about bank robbers...

At least they wear masks

The 3 robbers

There was a group of 3 robbers, one named billy, one named, bob, and one named jeff. One day jeff suggested that they rob a bank. They all thought that this was a good idea so they found a bank and the next day after they planned t out they went to rob it. However once they got to the safe the reali...

A few robbers enter a bank

They broke into the safe and saw nothing but cups of yogurt. With nothing better to do, they ate the yogurt and left. They looked back at the bank when it hit them. They just robbed the sperm bank

Three bank robbers

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next mornings newspaper headline r...

Why do mathematicians make horrible robbers?

They always leave all the proofs.

A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police …

The police are now searching for hardened criminals.

Two financial advisors are in a bank when armed robbers burst in...

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other proceeds to take the wallets, cell phones, watches, and other valuables from the customers.

In the midst of the chaos, the first advisor jams something into his friend’s hand. Without looking down, the second advisor says, "...

Police were chasing two robbers

...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

Robbers got into a bank

In the bank there were only yogurts. The robbers were angry and confused so they ate the yogurts. The asked angrily one of the people there: “What is this bank?”
The person answered: “This is the sperm bank.”

What do bank robbers eat for dessert?

Heist Cream

Armed robbers; some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them.

Robbers in the Carport

I translated this German joke for you. Sorry if there are some mistakes I gave my best.

A man wanted to go to bed and had to shut down the light on the porch. As he went to the Window where the light switch is he noticed that there are three guys robbing things out of his carport. The man qui...

Two Grave Robbers Found Where Beethoven Was Burried.

They dig for a while and finally get to his coffin.

They open it up, only to see him erasing all the music that was buried with him.

Terrified, one of the grave robbers screams!

The other one turns to him and says, "hey man, calm down! He's just decomposing."

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

There have been a lot of bakery robbers lately...

But this one takes the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So robbers broke into my house and stole all the soap,

Dirty bastards, but than the cops came and did a full report. The cops said they got away clean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dyslexic bank robbers attempted to rob the local bank today. (NSFW)

They ran in and said "Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up!!"

Three bank robbers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde...

Are trying to evade the police when they come across a farm. Being short on time and options, they all decide to hide in the barn. The redhead hides near the horses, the brunette hides near the cows, and the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes.

When the police come to search the barn, first t...

Why do blondes make awful bank robbers?

Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Armed robbers have recently stolen a semi trailer full of Viagra

The police had said to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night...

Well I did and I had a fucking great night !

She had to stay in the car, keeping the car engine running.

credit: r/sickipedia

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.