Mugger Jokes

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "gi... read more

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

Later, they catch him and put him in a lineup.
They bring in the victim, and the mugger says "That's her!"

The man fought bravely but the muggers beat him senseless and proceeded to go through his pockets.

"There's only $2.75 in here!" said one of the muggers, looking through the man's wallet.

"You mean to say that you fought us like this for $2.75!?" the other mugger asked the man incred... read more

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

They fast.

Mugger: "Gimme all you've got and I'll spare your life!"

Christian: "Please don't hurt me! You can take my wallet, my phone, my jewellery, just leave me my bible!"

*mugger takes phone, wallet, and jewellery, leaving her the Bible. runs away to avoid witnesses*

Christian: "What a... read more

While pointing a gun and taking their valuables, he asked them:

Mugger: What's your name?
Woman: My name is Donna.
Mugger: You have a name like my mother. I will not kill you then. And you? (Asking the other)
Man: My name is Dave, but my friends call me Donna, too.

He said "Hannover your wallet!"

I really don't know how to feel about it.

(DISCLAIMER: I heard my father telling this joke to his friends when I was little. Sorry if this has been posted here before)



A husband and wife are having a quiet walk in the park when out of nowhere, a mugger appears and holds them at gunpoint.

The mugger said,

"I am ... read more

I don’t have any money.

John is on his way home late at night when he's attacked by a mugger. After a great struggle, the mugger overcomes him, searches his pockets, but only finds a single dollar.

"What sort of guy puts up a fight like that for just a dollar?" says the mugger.

"I'm not that stupid," says Jo... read more

The mugger will cut you, then take all your money.
The doctor will cut you, then you'll give him all your money.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says "here's that money I owe you."

He really gave me a run for my money!

I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

As they are walking home down an empty street they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets.

As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry

"Here's the 20 I owe you"

While taking a shortcut through a dark part of the park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and even the Motorbike, but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the father asked his daughter, ... read more

The old lady asks, "What the hell are you doing!?"

The mugger says, "I'm looking for the money!"

The old lady replies, "Well, keep that up and I'll write you a check!"

A sloth gets mugged by three turtles. At the police station the cop asks him if he got a good look at the muggers. The sloth replies "I don't know, it all happened so fast".

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.

Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

Its a mugger

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing... read more

A 50-something man arrived at the pearly gates of Heaven and Saint Peter asks him how he died. The man narrates:

"I was walking down the street with my wife of 25 years when I was jumped by a mugger. He exclaimed YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE!"

Saint Peter replied "Oh, why didn't you hand hi... read more

This Guy lives in a bad neighborhood and every night, when he walks home, he grabs a couple of cobblestones in each hand, for protection from thieves and muggers....

After some time, there is a pile of cobblestones outside his home...

His Contractor neighbor notices and asks, "What's ... read more

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli... read more

One day a pregnant woman was walking home from work and decided to cut through an alley. A mugger was waiting and said "Give me all your money!" She complied, but then the mugger shot her three times in the stomach. At the hospital the doctors managed to save her and her three babies. Now fast forwa... read more