I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

Wife: I can't find my wallet!

Husband: I'm right here.

My wallet is like an onion

Whenever I open it my eyes tear up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

I just donated the contents of my wallet, my iPhone X, and my $10,000 Rolex watch to some poor guy living on the streets.

You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he put his gun back into his pocket.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke

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My penis is like my wallet

Not big enough for the lady’s

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet:
"You can hide, but you can’t run."

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?

Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your wallet is empty.

A man takes a wallet to the patent office..

...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says,”I don’t think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. Wh...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

I don't keep my wallet in my back pocket.

It's a pain in the ass.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B”

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.

I dropped my wallet for the second time in one day, today.

I must be losing my touch.

To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls are like condoms

They're either on your dick or in your wallet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father.

That rat bastard took all my money.

I put my USDA inspected chicken strip in my wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe.

Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet...

The men’s room was out of toilet paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

I pulled out my wallet and a condom fell out on the floor.

I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"

She said "no."

I said, "even better."

Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.

I had to hand it to him.

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir....
He takes his specimens to a leather smith and asks him to make something out of them.

A week later the surgeon returns and the leather smith presents him with a wallet. "A...

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

I don't like watching sad movies.

If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.

I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.



It said "It sucks to be you."

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:

"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."

The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into t...

Me: Well, I've found my keys, but God knows where my wallet is.

God: No, I don't.

Today a man stole my wallet

He took the 100 dollars i had with me and started counting the money. He gave me 50 dollars back. Confused, I asked why.
He said:
"Today's Black Friday, so every stolen wallet has a 50% discount!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

Now they call me ugly and poor.

If you drop your wallet in San Francisco

kick it to San Jose, before you pick it up.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand ...

Yesterday someone hit me on the head with a tankard and took my wallet.

I'm pretty sure i was mugged.

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

I am black and my son stole my wallet.

I don't know If I'm proud or mad.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. ...

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

A group of men have broken into my house and I'm pretty sure they're looking through my wallet.

I just heard a few of them sigh and laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man hires a hooker.NSFW

That will be 100 dollars an hour she said, fine, replies the old guy.
They went to a motel and he grabs her and starts fucking her real hard for 10 minutes.
When he was done he told the girl: Once is an hour of your service you have to help me for a second round, fine she said, what do I have ...

After a long day of travelling, a husband and wife decide to stay in the nearest hotel.

They go straight to bed and are almost immediately sound asleep. The next morning, they wake up and ask for their bill.

"That'll be $300 each," said the manager.

"WHAT?! Why so expensive?!" demanded the husband, outraged.

"Well, there was the car valet, the swimming pool, the sa...

I got my little 7-year-old cousin some money for his birthday

He looked at the two red, $50 bills in his hands (we’re Canadian), and...

**Cousin:** Wow! Is this American money?

**Me:** Oh, no! Wait a second... (pulls out American money from wallet) This is American money! It’s all green!

**Cousin:** Wow! How did you get this?

**Me:*...

WARNING! SCAM ALERT!

Be on the lookout for two very attractive women. They are hanging out around local food stores.

When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald’s. They are very convincing and very hot! Once in your car the one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over yo...

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means that their owner has fallen and is in need of help

Follow the dog, and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart scam

Yesterday I got scammed at a Walmart. I'll tell you how the scam works so you can avoid it.


When you get out of the shop, two sexy 20 years old girls dressed with very short blue jeans and tight t-shirts will be washing your car. They're very hot, you can't avoid admiring them. When you g...

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do women share in common with a condoms?

They spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Men Scam

>**Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  This is the first warning I have seen for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.  A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Sam’s ...

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