I found a wallet...

I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill.

I asked myself, what would have Jesus done?

So I turned it into wine.

I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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A drunk walks into a packed bar, holds his wallet in the air, and says, "A round of your finest for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself, bartender!"

So the bartender pours a drink for everyone in the place, and downs a shot for himself. Then he says to the guy, "That'll be $250, buddy."

The guy says, "I don't have any fuckin' money."

The bartender leaps over the bar, beats the man half to death, and throws him out in the alley out ...

My wallet is like onion,

Whenever I open it I cry.

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.

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I started carrying a moist towelette in my wallet instead of a condom.

I run into chicken wings more often that I do sex.

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It was a strobbery!

Wife: My small money wallet got stolen today

Husband: OH NO! Didn’t you usually keep that in your bra?

Wife: Yeah but at the time I didn’t think he’d turn out to be a thief

Why don't scammers carry wallets?

Because they don't keep cache.

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there.

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

Today I took a taxi. The passenger before me had left his wallet behind on the backseat

Inside was a picture of my wife and kids.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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What do condoms and women have in common?

They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

I wanted a place to put my USDA inspected chicken strip so i bought a wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

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I stopped carrying my wallet around.

It was a pain in the ass.

Still my funniest joke

A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name s...

Wife: I can't find my wallet!

Husband: I'm right here.

A proton and a neutron walked into a bar.

‘Oh no’ the proton said, ‘I left my wallet in my house’
‘Are you sure?’ The neutron said.
‘I’m positive’ said the proton.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

What did the thief say when he took a Redditors wallet?

Wow, such empty

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

“Son, you’re going to have to stop money laundering.”

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

So yesterday, I ran into this savvy gold investor. He dropped his wallet as I was walking behind him. He didn’t notice so I picked it back up and ran it to him. He then proceeded to thank me profusely and gave me his number so I could get a share if his stocks. Do you wanna know what I said next?

“Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.”

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A nights work...

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to p...

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

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A brilliant lawyer is sitting next to an ordinary man on a plane.

The lawyer asks the man if he wants to bet money on a game of smarts to pass the time.

The ordinary man says, “You’re so smart, I won’t be able to win!”

The lawyer says, “That’s no problem. For every question you can’t answer, give me $5; for every question I can’t answer, I’ll give yo...

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After a lifetime of work a Mohel (ritual circumcisioner) finally decided to hang up his knife.

Over the years he had kept all the “trimmings” of his work and decided to have them made into something to celebrate his retirement so he took them to a leather worker and asked him to make something special.

He went back a week later and was presented with - a wallet. “Beautiful” he tells th...

To the asthmatic bloke wearing camo who stole my wallet

You can hide but you can’t run

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A man pukes on himself in the bar. And says “Oh no what am I going to do? I promised my wife I wouldn’t get drunk here.”

The bartender sees him and says. “It’s ok man take $20 out of your wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. Tell her someone got sick on you and gave you some money for the inconvenience.”
The guy says thanks and walks home. Put money in his shirt pocket and leaves his clothes in the laundr...

Taxi

Woman takes a taxi. After a while she noticed that she doesn't have her wallet.

*Woman*: „Sorry, but I don't have any money, could I pay somehow else?“

Taxicab drove into dark forest, stopped there, got out of the car and spreaded blanket on ground. ...

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails

A sloth is going about his day when he gets attacked by a gang of snails.

The snails take his wallet and leave. The sloth regains his composure and goes straight to the police station.

The police officer says, "can you describe the gang for us?"

The sloth says, "I don't know. ...

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A man is passing through a small town when he decides to visit the local bar.

He walks up to the counter where he notices a large jar filled to the brim with $5 bills. Curious, the man asks the bartender about the jar. The bartender tells him “here in our lil town of ours we ain’t got much goin’ on. So we decided to host a series of challenges here. Anyone can take on the cha...

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

What's really old and can be found in my wallet?

The Queen's face.

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A man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.

For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy.

Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.

The next morning h...

Accidentally dropped a 20 dollar bill in a porta potty

Thought “Damn, no way I’m reaching in there for a measly 20”

So I took out a hundred from my wallet and dropped it in.

Now for 120, I’ll definitely go in.

Transcript of leaked 911 call...

Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"

Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"

Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or havi...

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My penis is like my wallet

Not big enough for the lady’s

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

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A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

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Take my $5, I’ll take your bag!

***this is a joke to tell your friends, family, coworkers, etc.

So I’m at a Dunkin’ Donuts, waiting on line for a coffee. As I fumble through my wallet to have my cash out and ready, I drop a $5 bill.

This little boy, out of *no where* comes up, snatches my $5 off the floor, and runs...

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink

A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen ...

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$10

So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it.

She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money."

He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?...

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My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

Dave walks into a bar

He is served a pint of lager.
"1 penny please" said the barman
"1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave
"That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman.
after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine
"That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can...

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An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

"Artie chokes 2 for $1 at Grocery Mart!"

There was a husband who was mad at his wife, and essentially wanted her dead. So he called up a hit man, and his name was Artie.

"So, what is a good location to kill Wife?" Artie asks the Husband.

"Wife spends a lot of time at Grocery Mart, so that should be a good place to kill her"...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”


“No, not a soul, actually.”


“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

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The Sisters of Mercy Brothel

2 guys were taking a trip on a scenic byway in Rural America. Driving along, they see a billboard that shows a nun, and says 'Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles ahead'.

Stunned, they looked at each other. 'Did that say what I think it said?' one asked the other.

'I think so,' the other...

Preparations for parenthood.

Not sure you are prepared to be a parent, here are some tips to get you started.

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a bathrobe and stick a giant beanbag chair down the front and leave it for 9 months. After the 9 months, empty out approximately 10-20% of the beans.
<...

If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

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After retiring,

I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later...

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help...

Follow the dog and you’ll get a free purse or wallet

A woman hailed a taxi cab...

She gets into the cab and tells the driver the destination. In the cab with her was a police officer who just finished his shift.


3 blocks away from her destination the woman realized that she left her wallet at home. At the next stop light she decides to make a run for it.


T...

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?

Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

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So there's this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced

Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He's yells out "oh fuck, not again, my wife is going to kill me."

Hearing this, the bartender tells him to take a $20 bill out of his wallet, and put it in his shirt pocket, and when he gets home to tell his...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

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I slept with a prostitute the other night, and after she had left I noticed my wallet had disappeared.

Must've been a magic trick.

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A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

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A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange.

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes,
"OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks fo...

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your wallet is empty.

A Rabbi is thinking to himself one day...

"What do I do with all of these foreskins?"

As a Rabbi, he had accumulated at least a thousand foreskins and was stumped at what to do with them. Finally, he decides to take all of these foreskins to a leather worker to see if the leather worker could make something out of them.

The ...

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

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I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father.

That rat bastard took all my money.

A horse walks into a pub...

A horse walks into a pub, goes to the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Bartender shocked can't believe what he is seeing, slowly shakes himself up and pours horse a beer, puts the glass in front of him saying: "That will be 15$, sir".

Horse gets his wallet, pays and takes a big long s...

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After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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Texas Game Warden rolls up on a hunter...

One day a hunter was out duck hunting when a Texas Game Warden rolls up on him.

Game Warden: “What’s going on buddy? Looks like you hunting some ducks, huh? Looking down at the dead duck pile near him

Hunter: Nervous “Yes Sir.”

Game Warden: Picks up one of the ducks and sticks h...

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A German goes into a bar

A big German man walks into an American bar slaps his hand down and orders a beer, then says very loudly....." when I drink, everyone drinks" the crowd in the bar cheers loudly and starts drinking. Finished with his beer, he slaps the bar again orders another, and very loudly again says, "when I dri...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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