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Wallet Jokes

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life
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I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)
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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

...so I turned it into wine.
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I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

What e-wallet do perverts use?

Touch 'n Go
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To the guy that found my empty wallet...

I don't know how to repay you.
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I bought a £600 wallet

Now I have no use for it
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Yesterday I donated my phone, wallet and watch to a poor guy...

You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.
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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

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My prison wallet isn't big enough...

What a pain in the ass.

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

Wife: I can't find my wallet!

Husband: I'm right here.
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Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

Did you give it back?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."
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I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.
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What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.
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I've had my wallet stolen and my ass is red raw from being whipped.

I know my girlfriend didn't want to get pregnant but there must be better methods of contraception than sending me out to find a con domme.

What's the difference between the contents of a man's wallet before and after kids?

Before kids the pictures on the paper in his wallet had faces of presidents on them...
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Earlier today I heard Classical music coming from my wallet..

I opened it, and realised I had 3 tenners in it...
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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
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After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...
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Everybody call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

They call me ugly and broke.
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What did the duck say when he lost his wallet?

Quap
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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)
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A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of...
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My mom washed my wallet on accident.

Asked me “is that what you call laundering money”.
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Why don't scammers carry wallets?

Because they don't keep cache.
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I read in the news that someone stole the wallet of Peter Dinklage when he was out for a walk.

I mean—-who would stoop so low?

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

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“One of you bastards stole my wallet!”

[reaches into pocket and discovers wallet is there]

“... and one of you is a magician!”

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...
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Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.
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My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...
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Steal a man's wallet a day, he will be poor...

...for that day. Return it the next day with a poked hole in the condom from his wallet and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
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My wallet is like an onion

Everytime I open it I cry
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Steal a man's wallet and he will be broke for a week

Give a man a lego passion and he will be broke for a lifetime
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My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...
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Wife: My small money wallet got stolen today

Husband: OH NO! Didn’t you usually keep that in your bra?

Wife: Yeah but at the time I didn’t think he’d turn out to be a thief
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Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It was a strobbery!
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Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.
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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
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A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...
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A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...
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Lost Wallet

I thought my dad would be angry when I told him I had lost my wallet, but he told me not to worry, that it was in my genes.
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My Wallet

No seriously, my finances are the joke.
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If you are having trouble unlocking your front door, take out your wallet and arrange all the bills in mathematical order.

Because organizing your finances is key.
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I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.

Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.
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I started carrying a moist towelette in my wallet instead of a condom.

I run into chicken wings more often that I do sex.

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After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...
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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

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The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...
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What did the thief say when he took a Redditors wallet?

Wow, such empty
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To the handicapped man who stole my wallet

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet:
"You can hide, but you can’t run."
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I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father.

That rat bastard took all my money.

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling
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What's really old and can be found in my wallet?

The Queen's face.
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On the website ETSY, I bought a wallet made out of a FleshLight.

Obviously, I've recently come into some money.
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Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.

If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.
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I am black and my son stole my wallet.

I don't know If I'm proud or mad.
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Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away
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A man takes a wallet to the patent office..

...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says,”I don’t think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. Wh...
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A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...
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I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.



It said "It sucks to be you."
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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

Some guy just stole my wallet.

He's now the poorest man in town.
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The Case of the Missing Wallet

A man walks into the office of Sherlock Holmes. He explains that his wallet has been stolen. He begs Holmes to take the case as he is a poor man, and the money in the wallet was the only money he had. Holmes staunchly refuses. As the man sulks out, Watson turns to Holmes and asks, "So why didn't you...

I saw this poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself.

I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than $1.50 in her wallet.
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I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

The bidding was proceeding furiously when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars.”

“If returned, he has agreed to pay a reward of two thousand dollars!”

There was a moment's silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a shout, “Two thousand five hundred!”
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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.
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My wallet was stolen today...

this is the first time I've been sad after losing five pounds.
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People always call me unattractive until they see my wallet...

then they call me poor too.
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Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet...

The men’s room was out of toilet paper.
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If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke
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I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.


Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

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