I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.

Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

What did the man say to the police when his optician took his wallet?

"He robbed me blind!"

I farted in my wallet

Now I have gas money

Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit

It's was a real strobbery

My wallet is like an onion

Whenever I open it my eyes tear up

What's really old and can be found in my wallet?

The Queen's face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

I found a wallet in the street and asked myself what would jesus do

I turned into wine

Wife: I can't find my wallet!

Husband: I'm right here.

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me she was glad that she finally met a nice guy with a big dick and a fat wallet.

I should have never introduced her to my dad.

If you gathered up all the receipts from your wallet and organised them

You would have a little book of why you're broke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is like my wallet

Not big enough for the lady’s

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.



Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.



"These bird...

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

I was walking down the street the other day when a man held a pen up to my throat and demanded I give him my wallet.

I was robbed at ballpoint.

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet

To the handicapped man who stole my wallet:
"You can hide, but you can’t run."

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?

Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

A husband always carry his wife's photo in his wallet

Wife: You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am to you?

Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem ca...

I opened my wallet and saw a piece of lint in there.

I said to myself "I don't remember putting my life savings here."

Randomly woke up this morning with that joke in my head.

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.

"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

How do wallets disappear?

Black Magic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

Our boss announced to the staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 5000 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

Then I said with an horse voice: "I offer 1000"

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls are like condoms

They're either on your dick or in your wallet

I dropped my wallet for the second time in one day, today.

I must be losing my touch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father.

That rat bastard took all my money.

I put my USDA inspected chicken strip in my wallet.

Now my legal tender is safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese san...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

Good thing I had a CVS receipt in my wallet...

The men’s room was out of toilet paper.

I pulled out my wallet and a condom fell out on the floor.

I looked hopefully at my wife and said "want to go use that?"

She said "no."

I said, "even better."

An old man got his wallet stolen while on a bus

When he realized, he started warning everyone:

"Whoever stole my wallet should return it. Otherwise what happened in 1983 will be repeated."

The old man kept ranting this warning every minute until the bus got to the next city. A young man alighted from the bus, threw the wallet into t...

A German goes into a bar

A big German man walks into an American bar slaps his hand down and orders a beer, then says very loudly....." when I drink, everyone drinks" the crowd in the bar cheers loudly and starts drinking. Finished with his beer, he slaps the bar again orders another, and very loudly again says, "when I dri...

Me: Well, I've found my keys, but God knows where my wallet is.

God: No, I don't.

I don't like watching sad movies.

If i wanted to cry I'd open my wallet instead.

Dude bet me he could convince me to give him my wallet... and it worked.

I had to hand it to him.

Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

Now they call me ugly and poor.

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when...

I lost my wallet and my identity was stolen.

On the bright side, I got it back in the mail with a note.



It said "It sucks to be you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy parks up next to a prostitute...

...he lowers the window and asks “How much for a blowjob?”

The prostitute says “Blowjob? Thirty bucks.”

The guy checks his wallet. “Hmm...Twenty okay?”

She rolls her eyes “Yeah, I guess”

“Great!” The guy says, “Here’s six hundred bucks.”

So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!

A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.

Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir....
He takes his specimens to a leather smith and asks him to make something out of them.

A week later the surgeon returns and the leather smith presents him with a wallet. "A...

Yesterday someone hit me on the head with a tankard and took my wallet.

I'm pretty sure i was mugged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. ...

I am black and my son stole my wallet.

I don't know If I'm proud or mad.

Did you hear about the Rabbi who kept all of the foreskins from the circumcisions he did and sewed them into a wallet?

Whenever he took a vacation and needed a suitcase, he would just stroke the wallet a few times.

If you drop your wallet in San Francisco

kick it to San Jose, before you pick it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."

I burped again.

Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.

The driver assessed me once mo...

I accidentally left my wallet in my jeans when I put them in the wash...

I got busted for Money Laundering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man hires a hooker.NSFW

That will be 100 dollars an hour she said, fine, replies the old guy.
They went to a motel and he grabs her and starts fucking her real hard for 10 minutes.
When he was done he told the girl: Once is an hour of your service you have to help me for a second round, fine she said, what do I have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fake Taxi

A cab driver picked up a woman and started driving her to her destination. Once arrival the driver says “OK the ride was $12 “
The woman said oh my I left my wallet at home would you want to have sex to pay you for the ride. The cab driver says damn this is the third one today, I don’t want to fu...

I slipped on black ice the other day.

I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All in a nights work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

A group of men have broken into my house and I'm pretty sure they're looking through my wallet.

I just heard a few of them sigh and laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart scam

Yesterday I got scammed at a Walmart. I'll tell you how the scam works so you can avoid it.


When you get out of the shop, two sexy 20 years old girls dressed with very short blue jeans and tight t-shirts will be washing your car. They're very hot, you can't avoid admiring them. When you g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do women share in common with a condoms?

They spend more time in your wallet than on your cock.

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