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News Report Jokes

One time I asked a news reporter what the name of his three sons were...

He replied, "My oldest son is Jackson"

"Jeremiah is the middle child"

"And THIS JUSTIN"

How do you distinguish between a news reporter and a chemist....

Ask them to pronounce "lead".

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News Report: Child born with no eyelids.

A baby boy has been born without having his eyelid full formed. In a radical new surgery the doctors were able to form eyelids for the foreskin of the child. Doctors report the surgery successful, however the child may be cock-eyed.

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

What's the news reporter's name?

Just-in

You've heard of News Reporters right? What about News Demolishinists?

They make all the breaking news!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this news reporter...

So one day, a man’s boss comes to him and tells him “John, I want you to go out and find some stories about fun things people can do in the country side.” So John packs up his gear and heads out of the city to try and find something to report on.

He drives along all day scouring the country ...

My girlfriend says it's either her, or my career as a news reporter

I had some breaking news for her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently.

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! 

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the...

Two men are sitting at a bar when a news report comes on...

The TV grabs the men's attention as the reporter begins taking about a man standing on a bridge threatening to jump. The first man, having a taste for gallows humor, bets the second man $10 that he'll jump. The second man agrees and they continue drinking and watching the TV. About 10 minutes later ...

A news reporter returns to his job after 45 years

He would tell you what he found out, but you aren't a monk.

Just saw a news report

Just saw  a news report on the strains of isolation. It’s reported people are going crazy.  I had been talking  about  this with  my mircowave and toaster and all of us agree things are getting bad. I didn’t mention  anything  to the washing machine as he always has to put a different  spin on every...

A news reporter arrives at the house of the world's oldest man.

The man has just turned 115 years old. The reporter asks him "So, what would you say is the secret to your long life?" The man replies, "Well, I'd say that it has to do with my nature. I never argue with others, which I think has prevented a lot of stress." The reporter is baffled by this answer, an...

Asked my co-worker if saw the big news report...

He said which one, The Mac 'n Cheetos announcement or the UK doing something?


True story, from 3 min ago... 'Murica

Local News Reports a Kidnapping at a School

It's okay though, she woke up.

CNN & NBC news report (political humor)

*Breaking news*

A man has killed twenty people today in a walmart with a gun. The man has been identified as muhammed takbir muhammed. He is an unemployed son of a family that immigrated to the united states ten years ago from Afghanistan.

Multiple witnesses say the man was yelling "A...

My wife said she was leaving me because I kept talking like a news reporter

More on that story later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A news reporter and a surgeon walk into a bar..

The news reporter asks, “So you’re a surgeon, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?”
The surgeon replies, “Well one time I had to pull a load of shit out of a constipated patient’s ass.”
The news reporter says, “Ahaha that’s nothing, I do that every day.”

The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

A news reporter introduces his new co-worker on air

This Justin

The news report was that an elevator for the coal shaft broke down, trapping 27 workers

But it was just a miner inconvenience

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News report: Source of tainted Viagra found to be contaminated shipping containers still in use from Soviet-era East Germany.

Proving once and for all Russian interference in American erections.

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

Pakistan's capital city Islamabad has extended the ongoing lockdown for another eight days as the number of Covid-19 patients rose to 82, Dawn News reported today.

Things have gone from Islamabad to Islamaworse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is listening to the radio hears a news report. A man is driving down the freeway the wrong way...

...causing chaos for drivers. She anxiously rings her husband. "Honey are you on the freeway??" He replies angrily "yes!!! Why??!!"
"Be careful," she says "there's some moron driving the wrong way down the freeway!!".
Her husband replies angrily, "one moron??!! There's fucking hundreds of them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years

the reporter goes up to him and says, "hello I"m a reporter for the BBC and we know you"re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions." The man agrees and she asks, "so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?"The man ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.

At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presen...

The Hiker With the Exotic Appetite

A middle-aged man got lost while hiking in the Sierra Mountains. Rescue calls went out and three days later a National Park ranger located him.

As he approached the hiker, the ranger noticed a campfire pit and the charred remains of a large bird. “Is that a California Condor”, asked the...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

An optimist and a pessimist were riding a bus together when the optimist got hungry.

"Let's stop at the next restaurant," said the optimist. "Then we can take the next bus and continue our journey."

"I don't think that's a good idea," said the pessimist. "It could cause something bad to happen."

"Or it could cause something good to happen," replied the optimist, "and b...

The community theater recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play

On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The dejected man looked up. “You look familiar” he said.

“I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me”

“I am Chad Kroeger, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sole man on an isolated island

There is an isolated island, with a sole man there.
The man doesn't know about the existence of the rest of the world, he haven't met any other people and is disconnected from the rest of humanity.

A big news company hears about it, and decides to send a news reporter to make an item about...

A police officer was answering questions of a reporter at an accident site.

Officer: "I want your news report to mention that how useful a helmet can be. This person fell in a 30ft pit while riding a bike at 100mph, still there not a single scratch on his face because he was wearing a helmet."

Report: "Wow! That's just miraculous. Can we get an interview with that pe...

A blonde is watching the news on an airplane...

The news reporter says, "Three Brazilian children have been presumed dead after their home caught fire in the middle of the night."

The blonde jolts up in her seat in utter shock. She taps the shoulder of the passenger next to her, and exclaims, "Oh my god! How many children is a Bra-zillion!...

An old woman is watching the news.

She sees a news report saying there is a car driving in the wrong direction on the highway.

So the old woman calls up her husband.

Old woman: be careful on the highway dear, there is a crazy driver on the highway driving the wrong way!

Old man: One driver? They are all driving t...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar...

Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump walk into a bar on Christmas Eve.

Bernie Sanders says "Hello, can I have a drink?" and gets a drink.

Donald Trump walks up to the bartender and says "Merry Christmas, can I have a drink? By the way, bartender, you are extremely ugly. I f***ing hate y...

A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead.

A blonde sits down in a bar next to a redhead. Both of them are having a good time when the news comes on.

The news reporter shouts out “a man is on the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!”

The redhead leans over to the blonde and whispers “I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump”
Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said our sex lacked passion.

But I actually cried while watching that news report

A train's co-conductor spotted a landmine on the train tracks up ahead.

"MINE!" the co-conductor shouted.
"What's that?" the head conductor asked cynically. "I thought I've already made it clear that this train is mine. Is that cle-"

Suddenly, the train ran over the landmine, creating a massive explosion, leaving an unfortunate amount of survivors. The head ...

THIS JUST IN: KING FELIPE VI QUARANTINED TO HIS JET

Madrid News reports the Reign of Spain is staying mainly on the plane.

If you were in a room with Hillary and Trump

A news reporter was looking for everyday people to voice their opinion on the election of 2016.

A man volunteers to be interviewed by the reporter.

Reporter: "Who do you support in this year's election?"

Man: "That's a rather difficult question to answer, they're both morons."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a news reporter for his news show.

The first guy walks in and the boss says, "'This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "'Well, shit! You got no ears, man!" So the boss yells, ¡Get the f\*\...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat.

The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them ...

A man is driving on the highway when he gets a call from his wife

"Hello?"



"Hello. I was just watching the TV and there's a news report that says there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway. Be careful, honey."



"Well, that's nothing. There are hundreds of cars driving the wrong way."

He’s so lazy, that if he robbed a bank he wouldn’t even count the money.

He’d just wait to find out in the news report.

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical co...

Just give them another chance!

So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are stupid" myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.

REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be fo...

Islamic joke I saw somewhere

A man walking in New York’s Central Park sees a Rottweiler attacking a little girl. He subdues the dog and saves her life.

A passing Fox News reporter says: “You’re a hero. Tonight’s TV news bulletin will say: ‘Brave New Yorker Saves Child.”

The man replies: “I’m a tourist from Saudi A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

End of the world

Two men are at the bar drinking, when all of a sudden a breaking news report comes on. "Breaking news, the world will end in one week! According to top scientist a meteor will hit the Earth in 7 days!" The first man looks at his friend and say, "so what are you going to in your last days?" To this h...

Big flood.

Local priest is listening to the news about a bad storm moving in and how the flooding is expected to be bad enough to warrant evacuations.
The lord will protect me he says under his breath.
Fast forward to ten hours later and he is on the roof watching the waters get higher and higher.
A b...

Skydiving humor

A news reporter was doing a story about skydiving and so he visited a drop zone and went for a ride on the plane to watch everyone jump. One of the plane's engines quit and all the skydivers immediately went out the door. Then the pilot put on his own parachute rig and headed toward the open door hi...

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

A Russian scientist creates a robot...

The robot can clean, cook, do calculus, balance a budget, play music, and so much more.
The scientist holds a conference to announce the robot and announces that it will be released publicly for all the world to enjoy. The robot is branded with the name "Gudynuv" and is soon mass produced and s...

Did you hear about Dr. Stephen Hawking?

News report I saw this morning describing horrible injuries to Dr. Stephen Hawking like a broken jaw, damaged collarbone, smashed kneecaps...
Apparently his date last night stood him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

Old Man

Jim was having his 109th birthday party. Needless to say it was a big deal. There was even a news reporter who showed up to interview him.

"What's your secret to living so long?" asked the newsman.

"It's easy. I never argue with anyone." replied Jim.

"That's the stupidest thing ...

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