Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week."

"Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Wife: Start with the good news!

Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews.. only 1 star

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

I left a terrible Yelp review on our solar system.

One Star

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

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If your sexual experience would be reviewed in trip advisor style, what would it be?

Be the first to give a review

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So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god's waiting to review his life.

God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion.... you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"

Johnny replied, " ...

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[NSFW] A porn website reviewer finally found a website he can give a 10/10 rating

Since then, he's been gushing with enthusiasm.

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

Orion ordered a belt off Amazon.

It wasn't to his liking, so he decided to leave a review. It read, "This belt looks wonderful, but it doesn't fit well and can't be adjusted easily. I give it 3 stars."

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

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My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

Why did the movie about chickens get bad reviews?

Because it was fowl.

why is the russian roulette safest game ever

because i saw no negative reviews about the game

I left a one-star review on my local dollar store.

They didn’t sell any dollars.

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A man walks into an eco-friendly sandwich shop.

He takes a few steps in and realizes that the place smells like shit. The man asks a lady sitting down what the smell is all about.

"This place uses cow manure to power the place. It smells bad, but it does help the ecosystem."

The man is confused, but since the place has good food r...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

Why has our solar system never been visited by aliens?

Bad reviews; only one star.

Credit's to Sebastion Elytron; where ever you may be.

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

I saw a 1 star review for Mars on Yelp

They said it lacked atmosphere.

A dyslexic wine connoisseur went to a wine tasting event...

...one wine he tasted was only half decent at best.

When asked to write a short review he wrote: "It's oaky, but not nearly okay enough."

I was doing math review the other night

I must say, it was quite triggy

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

I hate the musical Cats, so I'm loving these reviews

Seeing the movie so panned is just meowsic to my ears.

A hooker gets arrested one night and the next day stands before the judge

The judge reviews the evidence and decides to sentence the hooker to community service for 6 months.

Then the hooker goes "Community service? What do you think I've been doing this whole time?!"

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I’m anticipating that people will have a lot of reviews and evaluations next year.

After all, hindsight is 2020.

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

Why did the restaurant on the moon only get a three star review?

The food was great but there was no atmosphere

An elderly man goes to the doctor and says...

An elderly man goes to the doctor and says he has a concerning problem. "Doctor," he says, "when I pass gas, it no longer smells or makes a sound." Baffled, the doctor orders a full battery of tests; physical examination, blood work, CT scan, stool sample, the entire work up. After reviewing the ...

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

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Factual Headlines

Day 1: A famous priest arrives in Seattle airport gets accosted by a reporting asking, "Sir, what are your thoughts about Seattle prostitutes?"

The priest responded, "There are prostitutes in Seattle?"

*News headline the next day: "Famed priest asks about prostitutes upon arriving Seat...

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

Why was Tommy Wiseau upset about the reviews of The Room?

He did not receive a hi Mark

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

I just looked up the yelp review for Heaven, and it has 5 stars.

The rest I assume are in hell.

How do you evaluate a urinal?

Peer reviews

I took an epileptic girl to a rave⁠. I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews”:

But she just rolled her eyes at me.

A man walks into a bar... The bartender smiles and says, "What can I get you today, bud?"

The man drunkenly says, "Pint of beer please."

Bartender pours the beer, hands it over and watches as the man gulps it down in one.

"That'll be £4 please, sir."

The man looks at him wide eyed, "I'm not paying for that, you asked me what you could get me so I took up your generou...

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

Math Time

On Monday the teacher decided to begin the day reviewing basic math with their kindergartners. Hoping that it would be an easy lesson they lined the students up randomly and asked them easy problems.

"Jacob, what is 1+1?"

After a minute Jacob replied "2." The teach rewarded them with a...

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

So I was told I’d only get a pay rise if my annual review went well...

... boy I went home and gave my bottom the best cleaning it had had for ages.

Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review:

Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it.

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An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail...

Just read a review of Orion’s Belt.

Three stars.

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Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website.

Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!

Bill is called in for a review at his new job

His supervisor asks Bill to take a seat and they begin discussing his first month at the company. The supervisor says he's seen Bill make a lot of dumb mistakes, but more than anything else, Bill is uncommonly early to his shift by at least 2 hours every day.

Bill confesses that he does this ...

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

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What is the best way to rate / review prostitutes ?

On a scale of "best bang for your buck."

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

4D movies were getting great reviews for a while.

First, you could get sprayed with water during Life of Pi. Then, your seat would shake during Paranormal Activity.

Sadly, 4D didn't work so well with The Dark Knight Rises.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

The worst thing about the pandemic...

...is that I can’t find an unbiased review of bat soup.

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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

...I said she was fucking Goofy!

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Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.

Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand before anyone ...

The FAA is reviewing the Boeing 737 Max...

... they might throw it under the Airbus.

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YouTube Review 2018 actually does represent the year 2018 pretty well...

Shitty

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

My review of my time in the world's first heatless room:

It was 0K.

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West Virginia State Trooper

A state trooper from West Virginia comes across the scene of a single car accident. Taking stock of the situation he begins to write his report.

First he sees a car overturned by the side of the road and begins to write on his form: “k-a-r in d-i-c-h.” He pauses, thinks to himself, “that doe...

Syria has a lot of nice reviews

Everyone says they got blown away.

I’ve heard the reviews for the new Grinch movie have been bad.

One reviewer asked theater goers if they would watch The Grinch or a video of a sea sick crocodile, and 90% proffered watching the sea sick crocodile.

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There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

Earth review

Got mooned during my stay...

I'd give it one star.

I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies...

Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...

Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers.

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Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright
AlrightAlrightAlright

Amazon review for 20' rope.

**** - this is simply the most amazing, durable, and soft rope ever!
Last one I'll ever need! - Kate S.

I was going to buy a chastity belt until I checked the reviews online.

Customer satisfaction was terrible.

I am going to start a website to review Vietnamese restaurants.

It's going to be called Friend or Pho.

iPhone X, Pixel 2 XL, Note 8: a poor man's review

unaffordable, unaffordable, unaffordable

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

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A blonde's year in review.

**January**

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

**February**

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

**March**

Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 m...

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

There are 11 types of people in this world...

1 those who understand binary

2 those who don't

3 those who are sick of hearing this joke





4 those who don't check for data overruns



Commit: re-scope of overflow after code review thanks @eightvo

-- 6 those who don't check for data overrun...

Whats the single most important metric in brothel reviews?

Most bang for your buck

Wife called me up

- “what are you doing hon?”

- “in the middle of an epic boss battle”

- “cool. What game are you playing?”

- “Game? I’m in the middle of my performance review at work”

I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism...

It varies from person to person.

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