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I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

One of my books just had a four-star review!

The reviewer said "This book is \*\*\*\*"

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

Carpet fitters

An attractive lady hires two carpet fitters to replace the carpet in her sitting room after her pet parrot had made a terrible mess of the old carpet.
The two carpet fitters were stereotypical blue collar workers but had enough respect not to make any lewd jokes or double entendre at her expense...

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
.
.

We only have one star.

I just wrote a review of a book that argues that math charts should use bolder lines.

My review: "The plot thickens"

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I just walked into a restaurant.

They asked if I had any reservations.

I said yes, I heard the reviews were shit.

What do you call a huge, angry, green man that cites all his arguments from peer reviewed journals?

The credible hulk

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a famous Mexican restaurateur, entered the 6th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teac...

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

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A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

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I invented a new cocktail...

The reviews were mixed.

Aliens don't want to meet us.

They've looked at the reviews…



only 1 star!

Reviews are in for the Chinese flag…

Five stars!

The Keeper of All Jokes was starting to get overwhelmed.

There were so many supposedly new ones arriving every day that he couldn’t properly review them so he hired an assistant to dispose of the rejects. Thanks to a miscommunication, the assistant thought he was getting delivery instructions every time the Keeper said “read it”. So now you know.

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We had an open position with 60 applicants. I said, "I don't have time to review all these resumes. Just hire the one with the biggest tits!"

Larry starts Monday.

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

There’s a new movie out about Marie Curie.

It received glowing reviews.

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Mickey Mouse sits down with a divorce attorney for the initial case review.

The divorce attorney flips through the file and says, "Okay, so you want to file for divorce from Minnie because she has a... mental disorder?"

Mickey says, "I didn't say she has a mental disorder, I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Bought a shop vac online, but they rejected my product review as "too ambiguous"

I said that it didn't suck

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All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

Did you see the reviews for the restaurant on the moon?

Great view, but no atmosphere.

Someone once left a positive review at the DMV

The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

Judge says "After reviewing your case Mr Smith, I have decided to give your wife $445 per week."

"Thats very fair your honor." The husband said "And every now and then I ll try to send a few bucks myself"

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So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god's waiting to review his life.

God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion.... you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"

Johnny replied, " ...

Let's review the rules of strip poker. It might take a while

so bare with me

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

I was a little late with my dog’s dinner last night.

Yeah…he gave me a negative “yelp” review.

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review.

They feel I'm borderline incompetent.

I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night

I got glowing reviews

An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She UNLOADS on the doctor. "Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They're all telling me I fart all the time, and it's just plain rude of them!

"Oh really?" The doctor says.

"YEAH! They're ALL silent so I have no idea why they'd point them out. On top of all that, for them t...

Bubba has been institutionalized

He is an otherwise sane guy who can't control himself. He will make slingshot and break glass windows with it. No warning or fine has ever worked. This was the last resort.

But keeping someone institutionalized is expensive and he was liked by enough people that everyone wanted to see him ge...

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Took a diamond ring to the jeweler for appraisal, but all he had was a child’s plastic magnifying glass. I had no choice but to give him a negative review on Yelp,

but I still felt bad that I knocked him for a loupe.

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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If your sexual experience would be reviewed in trip advisor style, what would it be?

Be the first to give a review

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

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[NSFW] A porn website reviewer finally found a website he can give a 10/10 rating

Since then, he's been gushing with enthusiasm.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

I saw a 1 star review for Mars on Yelp

They said it lacked atmosphere.

Two Patients

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second pat...

Why did the restaurant on the moon only get a three star review?

The food was great but there was no atmosphere

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

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The Americans and The Japanese

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced rowing hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that th...

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

Just read a review of Orion’s Belt.

Three stars.

I was doing math review the other night

I must say, it was quite triggy

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

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Three couples are looking to join a new church.

They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

"If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I'll let you join my congregation," he says. "I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation."

All three couples agree that it's a fair test, and they promi...

Why did the movie about chickens get bad reviews?

Because it was fowl.

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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon

Because it was just out standing

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

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Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website.

Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!

Doing the same thing over and over again trying to get a different result?

Yeah, that's the definition of peer reviewed science.

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review:

Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it.

Why was Tommy Wiseau upset about the reviews of The Room?

He did not receive a hi Mark

I hate the musical Cats, so I'm loving these reviews

Seeing the movie so panned is just meowsic to my ears.

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A blonde's year in review.

**January**

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

**February**

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

**March**

Got really excited......finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 m...

Syria has a lot of nice reviews

Everyone says they got blown away.

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

I am going to start a website to review Vietnamese restaurants.

It's going to be called Friend or Pho.

My review of my time in the world's first heatless room:

It was 0K.

Anatomy lesson gone wrong

One day at an all-girl school, an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing with his students for a test. He turns to one student and says "Karen, what part of the body can grow up to six times its size, and under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming "How dare you ask...

I just looked up the yelp review for Heaven, and it has 5 stars.

The rest I assume are in hell.

Bill is called in for a review at his new job

His supervisor asks Bill to take a seat and they begin discussing his first month at the company. The supervisor says he's seen Bill make a lot of dumb mistakes, but more than anything else, Bill is uncommonly early to his shift by at least 2 hours every day.

Bill confesses that he does this ...

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

So I was told I’d only get a pay rise if my annual review went well...

... boy I went home and gave my bottom the best cleaning it had had for ages.

I went online, and reviewed my savings!

I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I
die tomorrow.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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YouTube Review 2018 actually does represent the year 2018 pretty well...

Shitty

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An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

I asked Yoda for a two word review of Les Miserables

"Lame is."

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Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.

Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand before anyone ...

Amazon review for 20' rope.

**** - this is simply the most amazing, durable, and soft rope ever!
Last one I'll ever need! - Kate S.

I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies...

Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...

Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers.

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

The FAA is reviewing the Boeing 737 Max...

... they might throw it under the Airbus.

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

The Expendables 2 Review:

I haven't seen that much shooting in a movie since I went to watch The Dark Knight Rises.

Earth review

Got mooned during my stay...

I'd give it one star.

The reviews for “The Disaster Artist” are coming in

They have received, oh, hi Marks

iPhone X, Pixel 2 XL, Note 8: a poor man's review

unaffordable, unaffordable, unaffordable

A cow recently submitted a two word theater review...

"Udderly Mooving."

I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism...

It varies from person to person.

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