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Review Jokes

I stopped paying attention to movie reviews after critics raved about The Green Mile.

Great concept, but terrible execution.

Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in.

Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.

The new Vietnamese restaurant was getting great reviews, so I decided to try it

Clearly the word had spread, as when I got there, hundreds of people were already waiting to get in. The line went all the way around the block. Some people got there hours before the place even opened. I thought about just going somewhere else, but I figured if it was that popular, the food must be...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

One of my books just had a four-star review!

The reviewer said "This book is \*\*\*\*"

My review of our solar system

1 Star.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Left a review for my pest control company:

Con's: The pesticide they used made me go blind

Pro's: Haven't seen a bug all year

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I bought a car after reading a review that said, "This car sucks dick."

I was diassapointed to find out it doesn't

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

Why doesn't Yelp remove fake reviews of Indian restaurants?

Because everyone likes a little naan fiction

I just wrote a review of a book that argues that math charts should use bolder lines.

My review: "The plot thickens"

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks...

Did you see the review for the scary movie about pogo sticks?

It has its ups and downs, but too many jump scares for me.

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

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So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god's waiting to review his life.

God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion.... you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"

Johnny replied, " ...

Reviews are in for the Chinese flag…

Five stars!

What do you call a huge, angry, green man that cites all his arguments from peer reviewed journals?

The credible hulk

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

Someone once left a positive review at the DMV

The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

Earth review

Got mooned during my stay...

I'd give it one star.

Why do skydiving companies have excellent reviews?

Because it was awesome for the people who survived

Let's review the rules of strip poker. It might take a while

so bare with me

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All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

I was doing math review the other night

I must say, it was quite triggy

I saw a 1 star review for Mars on Yelp

They said it lacked atmosphere.

Just read a review of Orion’s Belt.

Three stars.

A kindergarten teacher is reviewing with her students

"What does the bee give us?", he asks,
"Honey!", say the kids,
"And what does the caterpillar give us?", he says,
"Silk!", they say,
"And what does the cow give us?",
"Homework!"

Did you see the reviews for the restaurant on the moon?

Great view, but no atmosphere.

Syria has a lot of nice reviews

Everyone says they got blown away.

Amazon review for 20' rope.

**** - this is simply the most amazing, durable, and soft rope ever!
Last one I'll ever need! - Kate S.

The Expendables 2 Review:

I haven't seen that much shooting in a movie since I went to watch The Dark Knight Rises.

Why did the movie about chickens get bad reviews?

Because it was fowl.

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon

It sucks.

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

I went online, and reviewed my savings!

I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need. If I
die tomorrow.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review.

They feel I'm borderline incompetent.

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Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office to review divorce with lawyer

Mickey: I need to get out of this marriage! Minnie ruined my life. I've paid you good money for you to get me back what's rightly mine. What do you have for me?

Lawyer: Mickey I've reviewed your case against Minnie and to be blunt you don't have a good case against her. The main reason for th...

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review

Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site.

I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism...

It varies from person to person.

Why did the restaurant on the moon only get a three star review?

The food was great but there was no atmosphere

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If your sexual experience would be reviewed in trip advisor style, what would it be?

Be the first to give a review

Did you hear about the man who reviews herbs and spices?

I heard he's a seasoned expert.

I am going to start a website to review Vietnamese restaurants.

It's going to be called Friend or Pho.

I hate the musical Cats, so I'm loving these reviews

Seeing the movie so panned is just meowsic to my ears.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

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What is the best way to rate / review prostitutes ?

On a scale of "best bang for your buck."

Salt movie review

Gave me hypertension, 16/10.

The FAA is reviewing the Boeing 737 Max...

... they might throw it under the Airbus.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

Why was Tommy Wiseau upset about the reviews of The Room?

He did not receive a hi Mark

Bill is called in for a review at his new job

His supervisor asks Bill to take a seat and they begin discussing his first month at the company. The supervisor says he's seen Bill make a lot of dumb mistakes, but more than anything else, Bill is uncommonly early to his shift by at least 2 hours every day.

Bill confesses that he does this ...

Here's my review of EA

Sorry EA but if you want the review it'll be $5.99 for each letter and $7.99 for each punctuation and comma

The reviews for “The Disaster Artist” are coming in

They have received, oh, hi Marks

My review of my time in the world's first heatless room:

It was 0K.

I asked Yoda for a two word review of Les Miserables

"Lame is."

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Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website.

Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!

I wrote a review for the Fast and Furious movies...

Ok so all of the cars have this little fin on the back and...

Oops, I forgot to warn people, this contains spoilers.

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[NSFW] A porn website reviewer finally found a website he can give a 10/10 rating

Since then, he's been gushing with enthusiasm.

A restaurant owner offered me a free calamari appetizer if I gave him a good review on Yelp

It was squid pro quo.

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

The following is a tourist's review of Tatooine:

"I was way too hot, two stars."

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YouTube Review 2018 actually does represent the year 2018 pretty well...

Shitty

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

First Review in for "The Force Awakens"

Absolutely to die for

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Ms. Dolores is reviewing the alphabet with her third-grade class...

One particular student, Johnny, is a troublemaker. He always looks for an opportunity to disrupt class and shock the teacher, and today is no different.

Ms. Dolores starts off with the letter "A". "OK, class, who knows a word that begins with 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand before anyone ...

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I'm just back from Walt Disney world so....

Micky Mouse wants a divorce.

Judge: Look here Mr. Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mick...

Whats the single most important metric in brothel reviews?

Most bang for your buck

Went into a sensory deprivation tank for the first time and this is my review:

Eh. I wasn’t really feeling it.

iPhone X, Pixel 2 XL, Note 8: a poor man's review

unaffordable, unaffordable, unaffordable

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"Good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.

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I’m anticipating that people will have a lot of reviews and evaluations next year.

After all, hindsight is 2020.

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

I’ve heard the reviews for the new Grinch movie have been bad.

One reviewer asked theater goers if they would watch The Grinch or a video of a sea sick crocodile, and 90% proffered watching the sea sick crocodile.

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

A doctor reviews lab results and says to the patient, "I have good news and bad news"

"Okay," the patient says. "Give me the bad news first."

"Well, it seems like you have just a few days to live."

"Oh my god! But ... but ... what's the good news?"

"This should make you feel a little better: I'm picking up my new Tesla after work!"

So I was told I’d only get a pay rise if my annual review went well...

... boy I went home and gave my bottom the best cleaning it had had for ages.

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

I was going to buy a chastity belt until I checked the reviews online.

Customer satisfaction was terrible.

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As a judge…

…I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for thos...

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

Need help solving a joke with no punchline

In April 1998, Roger Ebert published his review of Paulie, a movie about a talking bird on a road trip. He wrapped up the essay with a joke he claims to have made up.

"On the other hand, just to be fair, I should mention that parrots make great subjects for jokes. I know about a dozen, includ...

How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?

They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

I'm the first to review a series of roads that have no left turns ...

... it's alright.

Husband is reading Indecent Proposal review during breakfast and asks his wife: *honey would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?*

Wife: *where am I going to get that kind of money*

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