A 5 year old was asked to name any 4 sources of food

1. Plants
2. Animals
3. Uber Eats
4. Foodpanda

How do you get an antivaxxer to shut up?

*Source?*

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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The EA leak showed that the FIFA source code is like sex with your SO

Different wrapper, same package

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What news sources do fish prefer?

Click bait (sorry for the dad joke)

Jesus will bite you...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at the Garden of Eden by Michelangelo.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at the Garden of Eden by Michelangelo. They're having a debate on what nationality Adam and Eve are. The Englishman says "they look so fancy and regal, they must be English". The Frenchman says "they look so good while naked, they're clearly Fren...

What's an angler's favorite source of energy?

Fishin'

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

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You already know the legend of the Foo Bird...

...named after its purportedly plaintive cries of "Foo! Foo!" but renowned for its feces, which is said to become a deadly toxin on the skin upon exposure to air, giving us to the common piece of wisdom, "If the Foo shits, wear it."

However you may not know about the brave explorers who set o...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

A ship's captain out at sea notices smoke on the horizon...

...he orders the ship to head towards the smoke. As the ship gets closer to the source of the smoke, the captain can see through his binoculars a deserted island with three huts and a man waving his arms to be rescued.

The ship sends a small boat to the island which returns with the man grat...

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

It turns out that one of the doctors who I credited as a source in my book about impostor syndrome had falsified his credentials...

.. but every single one of my sources has so far admitted to being the fraudster.

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

If someone unearths a source of untold power then it is a discovery

If someone is not told about an unearthed power source, it is a shock

Hey, do you want to come back to my place and regulate our body temperatures using external sources?

No hom(e)o(stasis)

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, but doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink.
A moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks ...

2 guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and no fire source to lit them

So they throw 1 cigarette out the boat and the boat comes a cigarette lighter

A man walked past three sources of water. He said...

Well, well, well

In high school I tried using anonymous sources instead of real citations.

This was not allowed, because I was a ninth grader and not a journalist.

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What’s common between smoking and eating pussy?

The flavor changes when you reach the butt.


Source: Facebook

A failed knock knock joke

My friend: Knock knock.

Me: ...

My friend: Oh, come on! Just play along.

Me: I’m Deaf. I never heard the knock…

*Source*: I’m Deaf myself.

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?

It's unclear

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I fucked a girl on an elevator.

I know that was wrong on so many levels.

(edit: source: bo Burnham)

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Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long)
One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help...

I like my coffee like Hamilton liked the source of his income.

Black, and made by my wife.

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

What do you call a gangsta nun selling lemonade on the street corner?

Nun-yo-business

Source: my neighbors 11yr old son.

Gordon Ramsey hates reposts on r/aww. One day he sees someone reposting a baby sheep

He yells in the comments, "WHERE'S THE LAMB SOURCE!?"

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"

-The Credible Hulk

Found the source of the world's problems.

It's bipolar.

I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

All the urinals have been stolen from the local police department

The police say they have nothing to go on.

(Source: Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip)

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If money is the source of all sins

Then I’m a motherfucking saint

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

ZERO equals ONE

A boy comes home from middle school and his father asks what he learned in school today, to which the boy responds, "ZERO equals ONE" yelling it practically. The father looks at him and says, "Son, zero is zero and one is one." But the boy continues yelling, annoyingly now, "ZERO equal ONE, ZERO e...

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NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

Best Joke of a previous year according to multiple sources.

2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins:

"9-1-1, whats your emergency?"

The hunter nervously says, "My friend is on the g...

Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.

My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

What do landlords contribute to society?

A great source of protein

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

Is the KKK a good source of Potassium?

Yes, because they're all bananas.

What is the gorillaz favorite source of renewable energy?

Windmills, windmills for the land

Why are Wikipedia articles so tasty?

Because of all the sources

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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

A Chinese man lost both of his horses which were major source of his income.

He was unstable.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I found out where to get credible sources for anti-vaxers!!!

The Morgue

The Man and The Hospital

A man has been in hospital for a month.
One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.

As he orders ...

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...

It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the hell, why not?” He asks for a seat outside.

He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an appl...

Marriage is a lot like PLASTIC BAGS…

They help hold a lot of trash together.

Source: my brother during a round of joke boat on jackbox party pack 6

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

Where's Elon Musk from?

Mad at gas car..

Source: @anisskuniss on tiktok

What does r/NSFW and School teachers have in common?

They both always ask for sources.

Thanks to COVID, all military leave has been cancelled this Christmas

Sources indicate that this is tough for the officers and a real blow to the Privates.

So Tech Source got robbed........

Some people say it was a setup

I suppose it would be fitting

He's kind of obsessed with setups

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Two newlyweds check into a hotel...

The groom is at the check-in counter and is clearly nervous. The bellhop asks him if he's ok and in an attempt to build his confidence he reassures him that when it comes time to consummate the marriage he will be in the next room. If there is any trouble just yell out...

The couple gets sett...

I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs.

It's very eggs-citing.

A man answered an ad that read "Hiring welders $18-$24 per hour"

When he arrived he was told he'd have to take a welding test. He turned in 2 sets of welds. One was a great weld, the other was a mess. When the boss asked him why he did this he replied "One is $18/hr, the other is $24/hr".


[Source (Not OP, I don't think)](https://www.facebook.com/groups...

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wise woman was once asked "What's the difference between hungry and horny?"

She replied "Depends on where I put my carrot".

Source: Sunny Leonne, the goddess.

What is every mathematician's favorite news source?

CN^2

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

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