I received a message last night from an unknown source that read, “I’ll be there in five minutes, and then we are going to get freaky.” I was terrified, but luckily it turns out it was meant for someone else.

Either way, I done using Ouija Boards.

I swear I do get my news from multiple sources...

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

A Chinese man lost both of his horses which were major source of his income.

He was unstable.

Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.

My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long)
One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help...

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

What is a bee’s favorite news source?

CNN. They hate Buzzfeed too.

I found out where to get credible sources for anti-vaxers!!!

The Morgue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

Did you hear about the power source that was arrested for assault?

It was charged with battery.

What is the gorillaz favorite source of renewable energy?

Windmills, windmills for the land

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

A big internet company now renders donkeys with open-source technology

It's called "Google GL ass"

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"

-The Credible Hulk

So Tech Source got robbed........

Some people say it was a setup

I suppose it would be fitting

He's kind of obsessed with setups

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Is the KKK a good source of Potassium?

Yes, because they're all bananas.

If Dr. Bruce Banner always cites his sources

Does that make him the credible hulk?

A Saudi king let me juice up my phone with his portable power source.

I was charged with a Sultan battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey

The brothel keeper asks how she could help him. He replies "I need a woman, because mine has left me."

Brothel Keeper: Why? Also what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?

Dwarf: My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first she asked for a home fit for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

What's a cow's main source of energy?

Cowleries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to calculate how much semen I've ejaculated in my lifetime...

I figure the average male ejaculates 3ml of fluid every time, based on an internet source.

I then figure I started at age 12, and then I guessed my daily average discharge rate would be around 2 times per day in my lifetime since age 12, and I am now 30.

So, doing some math, I've come ...

Two scientists are trying to find the best source of energy.

They realise that no one has tried asking the energy sources what *they* think.

So they go to a coal-fired power station, and they ask the coal, "What do you think of coal power?"
The coal says, "Well, I don't really like it, because they set me on fire, and it hurts." The scientists write...

I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs.

It's very eggs-citing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats a porn stars favorite news source?

BBC

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

CNN recently released a new report from one of Trumps closest aides. The unnamed source has disclosed that Trump has been diagnosed with sphincter dysfunction.

President Trump responded: "the news is fake, but the leaks are real."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

“My husband can do the work of two men."

"Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”

(Source - Jo Brand)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before...

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know ...

Why was the Windows team kicked out of the open source convention?

No one was wearing a tux.

Are you a hydroelectric source of power?

...cause dam!

A piece of Bread is like the Sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist





Source : a photo sent by my mum

Jesus is watching you.

While a thief is robbing a house in the middle of the night, he hears a voice from above that says, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out he turns around shining his flashlight but sees nothing. So he figures that it must have been his imagination and convinces himself that everything is okay...

Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

I'm really good at digging underground to find sources of water.

You could say it's something I do well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

A square and a rectangle walk into a bar.

They both sit down, order a beer, and wait for the bartender to prepare their drinks.


They each take a sip; it's nice and cold. There's an abundance of bubbles in and on the beverage; perfect.


The square looks over next to him; the rectangle is looking down at his nearly empty ...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally...

A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

Longest joke in the world (source)

http://longestjokeintheworld.com

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

Obama vs trump

Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who ...

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