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Recognizes Jokes

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I set the pornhub theme as my ring tone, because if anyone at business meetings recognizes it they'll be too ashamed to comment.

They did stop shaking my hand though...

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

A man sees a millionaire he recognizes on the street.

The man goes up to the millionaire and says, "Sir, I have been working hard for so long and I still don't have much money, will you please tell me your secret to becoming a millionaire?"

The millionaire pauses for a moment and responds, "my wife."

The man was taken aback. "What were yo...

A man who recogizes his mistakes when wrong is wise. A man that recognizes his mistake when he is right is...

Married.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Jesus quest

When Jesus dies, he arrives in heaven and decides to pay a visit to his adoptive father, Joseph.

He looks around for a bit and then finds a carpenter in a corner, working on a piece of wood all alone.

He approaches, but he's not sure if he recognizes him, so to make sure it's him, he...

I'm not afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it's like being famous.

You don't recognize anybody, but everybody recognizes you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table...

Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

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A very tall man walks into a bar...

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.


They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm ...

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A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.

Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. ...

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends ...

A former CIA operative gets a job as a software engineer.

At one point in his new career, he comes across a batch of information with what looks, to him, like an unusual encoding scheme.

Thinking it might be some kind of new cipher, he gets in touch with an old contact of his.

The contact, upon seeing the information in question, groans beca...

A young woman works alone for the first time late in the evening in a tall building, and her office phone rings unexpectedly.

She doesn't recognize the number but answers, thinking it may be her boss. Instead, a creepy sounding man speaks just two short sentences.

"I'm the viper. I'll be up soon."

He ends the call before she can respond. She shrugs and figures it's just kids messing around. A few minutes late...

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An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel...

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?”

The kid says, “I wanna get laid!”

The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.”

“But I wanna get laid.”

The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, g...

A man walks by a small store and sees a cat drinking out of a valuable saucer.

He recognizes the saucer's value, and he immediately wants to add it to his collection. However, he is sure that the store owner doesn't know that the saucer is valuable, or else she wouldn't let the cat drink from it, and he doesn't want her to find out and charge him for the full value. So he walk...

One of the Greek tragedians walks into a tailor's shop.

He's holding a bundle of tattered clothing in his hands. Upon entering, he thinks he recognizes the tailor and, surprised, asks, "Eumenides?" The tailor responds, "Yeah, Euripides?"

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Two rich kids are caught doing drugs by a cop...

The cop recognizes them and tells them: "Since you have parents in high places, I'm gonna offer you a propisition. In 3 days from now, I want to find other teens like yourself and convince them to quit drugs."

3 days have past, and the two come to the officer with their results.

The fi...

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A Catholic priest and a Jewish priest bathe naked in the river

A group of people walk past the river. The Catholic priest holds his hands in front of his private parts, the Jewish pastor holds his hand in front of his face. The Catholic priest asks: Why are you holding your hand in front of your face? The Jewish pastor answers: Because my community recognizes m...

A small company hosts a costume party

A small startup company announces they will be holding an employee costume party to celebrate the end of their first fiscal year in business.

The theme of the party is “Past and Present” to celebrate the work that has been done while also looking forward to the years to come. To further expa...

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

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A sadist and a masochist pass each other on the street.

The masochist recognizes the sadist for their nature and says with anticipation, 'Beat me.'

The sadist begins to smile and say to the masochist, 'No.'

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