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Ran Jokes

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I ran into my wife’s ex.

He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”

I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier ...

My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday

Friend asks “Since when has Mike been your best friend?”

“Since yesterday.”

Ran into a Mexican woman on the bus today.

After talking for a bit she told me that she had twin sons, Juan and Emal, and she was so proud of them! Juan was the CEO of a big law firm down town, and his brother Emal owned a restaurant where she was heading for lunch.

She happily reached into her purse to show me a picture and said, “T...

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

Doctor: Your body ran out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

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I was working in an ice cream shop and we ran out of vanilla ice cream

About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks for a gallon of vanilla. So I have to break the news too her.
“Sorry ma’am, we are all out of vanilla today.”
“Oh, no bother” she says, “I’ll just take a pint of vanilla then”
Slightly confused, I say “No ma’am, it’s not just the gallon size, ...

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I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex…

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said,

“Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

Edited: Based on amazing feedback by u/vp_port

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

Did you hear about the streaker that ran up to three nuns?

The first one had a stroke.

The second one had a stroke.

And the third one didn't touch him at all.

I just ran over some sausages

Those brats never saw it coming

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

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If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole.

If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

What did the prisoner who was about to be executed say when the hangman ran out of rope?

No noose is good news I guess!

In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car.

He will be charged with battery.

I ran into Rick Astley today.

He borrowed my copy of Disney's "Up", but I doubt I'll ever see it again.

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

Ran into an old high school friend last night.

She said I used to tease her about her weight all the time, and although I personally don't remeber, she must be right; elephants never forget.

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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse,

And turned its wool to nylon.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

An armed man ran into a real estate office

He shouted, "Nobody move!"

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor saw it happen, and realized it was an accident. He just yelled "Oh God please put him out of his misery!"

He got really mad when I tried to tell him I'd have to do it eight more times.

What did the Grateful Dead fan say when he ran out of weed?

"Wow, this music really sucks"

Jason Momoa ran down my lawnmower.

He was chasin’ ma mowa

I ran into my ex yesterday...

then backed the car up to make sure.

A spider ran onto my keyboard

It is under control

I once ran a podcast about bloodsucking arthropods.

But then one day I got a take-down notice and that was the end of Tick Talk.

Batman's suit ran out of battery power.

Batman: I need a battery

Robin: What's a tery?

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

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A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.

The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose."

The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

I was hiking yesterday when suddenly I ran into a cougar

Almost made me puma pants

A tanker ship carrying dark purple ink ran around on a deserted island, spilling its contents.

Sadly, the entire crew was marooned.

If Netflix ran the world, a year would only be 6 months...

Cause it would end after 2 seasons.

You cannot RUN through a campsite, you can only RAN through a campsite.

Because it's past tents

Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?

Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

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The bloody dog ran off last night...

I walked round the park calling his name for 30 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog.

Did you hear about the barista that ran the comedy club?

Every night was a real brouhaha!

I just ran over my dog.

April fools! I don't know whose dog it was.

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A man ran over a cockerel with his car

Feeling guilty, he goes to a nearby farmhouse to see how he can help. A woman opens the door and he says: “I appear to have killed your cockerel. I’d like to replace him.’

She replies: “Please yourself, the hens are round the back.

What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement?

No whey

I ran the double slit experiment a dozen times with two of Schrodinger's cats.

Now my lab is full of interfering kittens..

If Mario ran a shopping delivery service, what would it be called?

MarioCart

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

I saw two men beating a kid up, so naturally I ran over to help...

There's no way the kid could take on all three of us

A man ran into the station and asked me, “Excuse me sir, but is the train running on time?”

Me: No. it’s running on electricity.

To the kid who ran away with my oversized coat from the laundromat…

…I hope you grow up.

I ran into a wall with a full erection this morning

I am hospitalized now because i broke my nose

A beetle ran up my leg, so I

let it be.

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Mike stopped by the bar and ran into his friend Jack.



"I've been taking evening classes at the university," Mike told Jack, "and I'm learning so much." "Who is Hobbes? Who is Mill? Who is Bentham?," Mike asked Jack.

Jack replied, "I gotta admit I don't know any of them." "But do you know who Richardson is?" Jack asked Mike. Despite ...

A man had a cattle ranch that he ran with his two daughters.

One day their only bull went crazy, broke through the fence and killed the man. The bull was injured and was attacking everything and everyone in sight. The daughters had to put him down. They needed a new bull, but they only had $1000 in cash. So one daughter decided to go to town and see if she co...

Walking down the road, I ran into a farmer's wife

She was dragging along a huge barrel full of tomatoes. I said, "Hey, what are you gonna do with all those tomatoes?" The farmer's wife said, "Well, we eat what we can. And what we can't, we can."

An English bloke's gold ran away..

"A u, get back 'ere!" he yelled.

What did the dog say when it ran into a tree

Bark

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

A robot went on a crime spree in our neighbourhood right before it ran out of battery.

The cops are refusing to charge the perpetrator.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

A Judge ran into a juror in the bathroom.

The judge said "Thanks for serving"

The Juror said, "Just doing my Civic Doody"

I ran over Five Miles this morning

Looking back, Five Miles is a terrible name for a dog.

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

I ran 3 miles this morning

Finally I turned around and said, “here lady, just take your purse.”

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped and ran to him.

"Tim! Are you all right?"
Sobbing, Tim moaned,
"Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.
"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."
"But look inside the car."
George did and said,
"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry!
You can always get...

A drunk man ran over a policeman, and immediately dials 911

- 911?
- Yes
- Well, now you're 910.

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Jack and Jill ran up a hill.

So Jack could lick her candy. But Jack was in shock from a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name was Randy.

I ran into my ex the other day.

Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.

I ran 10 miles today.

Surprisingly hard when you're carrying 25 pounds of cocaine.

A Muslim guy dropped his wallet today, so I ran after him and gave it back to him.

He said “Thank you so much”
“Don’t go to the Liverpool game tonight” he added.
“Why?”I asked.
“ Because it’s tomorrow”

The college soccer team wants to interview me because I say I once ran two soccer teams on my resume

Yes I used to own a foosball table, I’m their best choice.

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A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:

\*Grilled Tourist $5.00

\*Broiled Missionary $10.00

\*Fried Explorer $15.00

\*Diced Marine $20.00

\*Baked Politician $1000.00

The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for p...

I ran out of toilet paper

and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Fun Fact, in the country I was born we really used leaves as toilet paper

A rodent just ran through my kitchen…

I got him with my Mickey Mouse club.

Hickory hickory Dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one

and the other two got away with minor injuries

My daughter ran off with some Hispanic guy...

She says he's her Juan and only...

I ran into a French arborist and asked him how he was doing..

He said "Tree bien"

Did you hear about the blind guy who took mushrooms then ran a marathon?

Dude was trippin.

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

What did the man get when he ran into a palm tree?

facepalm

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

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A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

A man ran into a bar.

He woke up 3 days later in the hospital with a concussion.

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood?

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?

It turns out he wasn't just good with wood, he was also good with Vege Tables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party

He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“

“What do you mean?“

“Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s too embarrassing. So I just ...

My Indian dad ran into the wall.

Papadum.

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

I tried smoking weed with my immigrant friends but they all ran away

I only asked "any papers?"

I ran into an old friend the other evening.

Should have had the headlights fixed.

I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.

I yelled out, "Oasis!"

(originally posted in r/dadjokes by me, wanted to share it with y'all too)

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The husband said, "Awesome. What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter", she said, "Just get out."

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

I ran over 10 miles today

Now that I think of it, ten miles was a bad name for a dog

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

Today, I ran into the guy who sold me an antique globe years ago.

It’s a small world.

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

A woman ran up to me in the park.

"My dog has gone missing!" she said, on the verge of tears. "Poor boy..."

"Oh...Light brown fur, long tail, grey eyes, and a minor case of conjunctivitis?" I asked.

"Yes!" she beamed.

I said, "No, haven't seen him."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

I once got high by snorting ground-up bones of a marine mammal, then I ran my neighbor over.

I did it on porpoise.

What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes?

Oh how waffle!

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

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A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...

The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"

The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."

After a few minutes and another...

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A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finis...

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

I ran over a cat today.

Apparently, it had been run over eight times before.

If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3 40

The NFL would just say he has an eating disorder

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