Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away?

You’d run away too if your name was nyuhddiaiahf.

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed”.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Sam. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away”.
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Sam replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?

They were cantaloupe farmers.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew.

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m ...

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

I once knew a rancher who was always afraid that his cows will run away

What a cowherd

Dogs always run away from me when I say hello so I named my dog Nama.

Now I just say Nama-stay.

Why did Rudolph run away from Santa, get a tattoo and dye his tail purple?

He was a rebel without a Claus

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away to Vegas and get married?

Sorry I cantaloupe



I made this up eating a green watermelon

Did you hear about the tree that tried to run away from home?

He's not out of the woods yet.

The best advice I ever got from my dad was to never run away from my problems...

To this day, I still have that postcard...

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So a woman was looking for a man who wouldn't beat her, run away from her, and was good in bed...

She placed an ad online and waited for people to show up. A lot of men came to the door, but none of them were right for her. One day, a man with no arms and no legs came over. He said "I'm the perfect guy for you... I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away."
...

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Whenever I see a man wearing a skirt, I run away.

It’s not that I’m homophobic, I’m just afraid he’ll start to play the bagpipes.

Why did the Tiger run away from the lion?

The lion invaded the golf-course.

My son is currently studying how to run away from home.

He'll go far, that kid.

How you make samurai run away?

You sho gun

How do you stop a run away train?

Give it more attention.

I told my neighbour that I was scared our dog would run away.

He said, "Have you thought about fencing?"

"No," I said, "I don't even own a sword."

Two melons meet at the market and fall in love. One says to the other, "Let's run away together and get married!" The other replies:

"I cantaloupe, but honeydew I want to!"

Two muskmelons fell deeply in love. One day, the first muskmelon asked, "Honeydew, will you make me the happiest melon in the world and run away with me and get married?" The second muskmelon replied, "I love you and I will marry you, but...

... we cantaloupe."

Before I Injured my leg girls used to run away from me

Now they just walk

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Why do black people run away from prison?

Because it has the word son in it

A man falls in love with a nun and they run away together...

The church says it doesn’t mind, as long as he doesn’t get into the habit.

You know the kids that'd knock on doors and run away....?

...they now deliver stuff for UPS

Why did the Little Mermaid run away with the fisherman?

He had allure.

Why did the dolphin run away from home to start a new life?

He felt he had lost his sense of porpoise.

Just the head

A family living in an old village have a son that is a bit slow. He failed high school three times. The husband says to his wife: "if Ahmed passes this time, we are sacrificing a sheep and giving it's head to the Imam".
The woman doesn't think anything of it, he did pass the past three times, why...

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The Nun's Story

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go ov...

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because the sheep learned to run away when they heard a zipper open...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the Nazis.

The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!! The Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The american is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood. Again the German...

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Boy with Phenomenal Memory

A host enters the circus and announces:

"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."

A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.

The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.

Then again the host comes out and says: "And no...

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

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So a girl posts an ad online for a single guy

She’s looking for a man who won’t beat her, who won’t run away and who’s also good in bed.

The next day, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees this guy with no arms and no legs.

He says: “Hey, I saw your ad, and I figured I’m exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for. I’ve...

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