UPJOKE
probabilitypatternhaphazardnumberdicehit-or-misslotterystatisticspiarbitrarymultipleoddstaticinfinitetrivial

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A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar

They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.

The bartender says "that'll be 2020"

Joke Factory: Why did the [NOUN] go to the [LOCATION]?

Give me a random NOUN and LOCATION using the above format, and I'll give you the punchline.

For example:

Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked.

Ready? Go!

\--

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...

He didn't even show up!

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Random joke

A govt laid taxes on sex workers for blowjobs recently. I think it was a suck-cess.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

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Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Therapist: okay, okay

Me: please stop!

What do you call a witcher that's great at answering random questions?

Geralt of trivia.

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia.

Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away.

A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a confere...

A man is sitting alone at a bar when he hears a quiet whisper right next to him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, he hears, quietly but clearly, "Wow, you've got really great hair!" Confused, the man looks around for a moment and sees nobody else around him and concludes that he must be hearing things.

After sitting drinking his beer and snacking on some nuts at the bar for a wh...

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I was sitting in my new class one day.

I was sitting in my new class one day, waiting for the period to start, when this really hot girl walked in. She was looking at me throughout the whole period. So after class I decided to walk up to her and ask her for her number.

I was a bit ugly so she looked at me weird, but reluctantly s...

Boss talking to his colleague.

Boss: We're doing random drug testing today.


Colleague: Ok boss but I won't try crack cocaine.

My dad sent me a random text asking what type of lube do I use

I responded, “K…Y?”

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

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Where are pictures of boobs stored in computers?

Random access mammary!

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

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Three men go to Hell [Long]

One random night 3 men went out drinking and having a good time. Drunk, swaying side to side, they decided it was a good idea to walk down the middle of a road. As they get further down the road a truck came through and didn't see them. All three men were hit and died instantly. These 3 men were al...

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

Girl and Guy on first date.

They were just asking each other different random questions to get acquainted.. one of the questions was about food and what their favourite food was...

Girl: Oh my god I love cheese.

Guy: Lucky for you, I'm not circumcised.

A man returns to work sporting a black eye after lunch

His coworker asked him if he got in a fight during his lunch break, and he says no, he was randomly punched by a guy after he asked him which food line he was standing in. The coworker asks if this happened in the line for the ramen shop, but he shakes his head and replies, "No, pho queue."

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I asked 100 random women what's their favorite shampoo was...

99 replied with, "get the fuck out of my bathroom!!”

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...

I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...

I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

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Stepped on casual sex and need urgent medical advice!

Sorry for any errors, i don't speak English so this is all through Google Translate. I stepped on a casual sex and I can't get it out of my foot, which is bleeding profusely. I'm nowhere near a hospital or clinic. I f do have a first aid kit What do I do?!

Groaner

Man: My wife and I went to the Caribbean.

Random guy: Jamaica?

Man: No she did it out of her own free will.

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Idea credit goes to a random redditor on a random askreddit thread about stereotypes

A man goes up to his friend and asks him:

"What do you think is the most infuriating stereotype about men that people always talk about?"

His friend replies:

"I hate it when people say that men can't multitask. Whenever I hear someone say that, I have to stop what I'm doing so t...

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

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The wife walks in while watching porn

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."

TodayI discovered that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween...

I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

If you ask a random person their middle initial, most of the time they'll just tell you.

Turns out, most people's middle initial is Y.

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(Long) A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks...

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

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Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

Do you know what today is?

I told my boss with a giant smile.
He rolled his eyes and said "It's 4/20."
"4/20! Hell yeah!" I yelled.
As I started to walk away, he said "Wait, don't you know what tomorrow is though?"
Puzzled I said "No?"
"Random drug test day." He said back.

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if you decide to slap a random black guys ass and it turns out to be Dwayne Johnson..

..you've really hit rock bottom

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World's Unluckiest Man

This man was so unlucky he was born with only a single ball. Where ever he goes doom is with him. He decided to live in another country and books a plane ticket for USA. Mid flight a turbulence started to occur and the Captain starts to announce that the plane is about the crash and there are only 9...

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

Random thought

Pregnant horses can run faster, coz they have two horse power.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

I made this joke up randomly at the store...

Did you hear Cyclops of the x-men got vaccinated?

He got his pfizer.

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I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

Where do virtual cows store milk?

The random access mammary

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

A man receives a call

A man receives a call at work

His boss asks him, "Who was that?"

"Just some random guy"

"Call him back NOW!" The man calls...

A man forgot his dog’s name, so he started yelling random names.

Then it came back to him.

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

A tree randomly falls on a lady.

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

I discovered the secret of randomness.

It's not what you expect

Husband asks Wife to make coffee

Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?” Wife looks confused, “But that's your task, honey.” woman says “What? Why?”man asks. “It’s all over the Bible, dear.” woman replies “The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to b...

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch

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So my wife was complaining to me about how little men listen to women.

I told her that I could prove even random men listened to her better than women. Sure that her opinion would prevail, she happily went with me to the mall where we could find the most people.



After asking a question to 5 men and 5 women, all of the men answered immediately. All of th...

Randomly thought of this one

What is a pilot's favorite flavored chip?

Plain...



Ok I'll leave now.

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

3 nuns and a Parrot

This was a joke I heard decades ago, sorry if someone beat me to this one. Here goes:

3 nuns were passing by a big house. It was a modest house with a beautiful yard and in it, a caged Parrot. It’s not very talkative but everytime the three nuns pass, the parrot would utter random colors…
...

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences

But overall, this shouldn't be an issue

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

I keep randomly shouting out "Brocolli" and "Cauliflower".

I think I might have Florets.

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.

A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks...

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

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Sex in the office

A guy conducting a survey calls up a random person on the phone and asks, "Sir, what are your thoughts on sex in the workplace?"

"Well, first of all, I'm married. But regardless, the options in my workplace aren't all that great anyway."

"And where exactly do you work?"

"From ho...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says "How to stop procrasinating”

I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later

A drunk guy starts fighting a random guy in a bar.

The random guy neither fights back nor calls the cops. But he makes the drunkard shut up with just few words.



How?



The random guy asks, "wanna have another drink?"

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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(NSFW) Bob Gets Assigned to the Artic Circle and to His Dismay He Notices There are No Women?

Bob gets assigned to the Artic Circle and to his dismay he notices there are no women?

Bob approaches a random coworker named Steve and says, "I notice there are no women around here?"

Steve: You've got good eye, sadly, no, there are no women.

Bob looks around and says, "Well...

I want to stop randomly talking about acne

But there's no pimple way to do it

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

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Why did the one tool seek another tool to be its therapist?

Because sometimes even wrenches need a vice.

P.S.: I had just seen this video on here that showed a special vice grip for certain tools and random shaped objects. Was cool as hell. Enjoy!

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

A random riddle

A man fell out of the highest window in a building that has more than 5 stories.

He survived with hardly any injuries.

How?

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

What’s the difference between the Chinese Government and a Random Word Generator?

At least a random word generator sometimes tells the truth

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

A recent study has shown TSA random searches are in fact random

After hundreds of hours of observation at dozens of airports researchers were able to say with a high degree of confidence that TSA searches are applied randomly. The frequency of brown skinned men entering the line was highly variable and had no discernible pattern.

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

My printer keeps playing random music

I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.

A random person walks up to God and says "You don't exist. There's just no way."

And God replies with



"Uhh... Yahwey."

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

Random Joke

Q. what to sprinters eat before they race?

A. Nothing...they fast.

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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