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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

**Therapist:** You are?

**Me:** *SCREAMS*

**Therapist:** Oh! I see

**Me:** *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

PSA: Be alert of random scissor attack

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

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I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I keep randomly shouting brocolli and cauliflower

I think I may have florettes

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

A drone with a screen showing random changing numbers was flying toward me.

It struck me as odd.

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

Random Thought

Are those who make upper extremity prosthetics known as "Arms Dealers"?

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What do you call a man who randomly steals French pancakes?

A crepetomaniac

Doc I’m afraid of random letters

Doc: you are?

Me: *jumps out of seat

Doc: okay why?

Me: *opens door

Doc: you are a cutie. I envy you

Me: *dies of heart attack

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

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A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even l...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

A dog randomly saved my life a few years ago, I ended up taking him home with me and naming him Malone.

Because I will never be able to pay him back.

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat

“First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

What idiot decided to call it “randomized clinical trial with placebo”

And not “trick or treatment”

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

Who?

Me: "Someone here is possesed by an owl!"

Some Random Person: " Who?"

Me: "Thats just it, we don't kn-



























ಠ\_ಠ

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

My printer keeps playing random music

I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.

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I asked a random woman what her favourite Radiohead song is.

She said, "I don't know...Creep?"


I said, "Fuck off, you don't even know me."

Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

I like to randomly throw things at ballerinas.

Keeps them on their toes.

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

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Timmy: Dad, what’s shit posting?

Dad: well son, shit posting is the constant posting of mildly amusing but usually unfunny memes, videos or other pictures that are completely random or unrelated to any discussions.

Timmy: I get it! Where’d you learn that from?

Dad: well son, I Reddit.

How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

My day today

\>buy GTAV
\>walk down the street
\>punch random bystanders
\>steal a car
\>run over more people
\>kill a cop and take his gun
\>steal his car
\>run over people whilst shooting more people
\>pull a fast one on the cops
\>get ...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Drink Driving

I was driving on a highway in Singapore and a random roadblock was spotted there. Prior to driving past, I dropped a drunk friend.

As I drove slowly for my turn to pass, I decided to do this.

Officer: Sir, random check. (Sniffed) sir please park to the side.

Me: OK.

Offi...

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I walked up to a random ginger bloke today

I asked him “if you had 7 girls numbers in your left pocket and 8 girls numbers in your right pocket what would you have?
“I would have 15 girls phone numbers” he replied
I said “wrong, you would have someone else’s pants on you ginger cunt”

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete,but I could hear their chatter continuosly

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

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A shipwreck occurred, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in...

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

So, my child just broke my new iPhone X screen. So, here’s a give away to a random Redditor!

She’s about 7, can do math and housework. Anyone interested?

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

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Co worker 1:Maybe I should do a Kardashian...

Co worker 2: Kim?
Co worker 1: No. A sex tape with a random rapper.

The wife's mad that I went out and showed random people my genitals, but I'm so confused.

She wasn't upset when I said I'd be back in a flash.

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Oldie but a goodie.

There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot, Trump , the pope and a random backpacker.
Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.
As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three parachutes, takes one and sho...

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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

I told this random guy at a bar that I can speak fluent French with the correct pronunciation.

I asked him if he thought I was Lyon and if so why would I? He's just a guy at a bar... I have nothing Toulouse. I do hope he had a Nice day.

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

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An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

A man with a disorder that makes him urinate randomly is talking to another man with an Italian accent.

He is confused by his accent and asks what nationality he is. The Italian man replies, “European!”

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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A man walks into a pharmacy...

...and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales lady notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. The lady kindly directs him down the correct aisle and sends him on his way....

Inexplicably, there are random craft supplies scattered all throughout my living room.

I don't know what to make of it.

Imagine if everyone in the world woke up covered in random bruises...

There would be mass contusion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a duck fart?

With his ass quack!

Courtesy of my wife's random work colleagues.

Antivaxxers' health problems are kind of like computer problems.

They try a load of random things and hope that it works.

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

A man is taking an eye exam, but is terrified of letters

During the eye exam, the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read out all the letters from top to bottom.

Man: I can't, I am terribly afraid of random letters.

Doctor: You are?

Man: [Screams]

Doctor: Oh, I see..

Man: [Screams louder]

A blonde is down on her luck...

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." S...

Random person: I'm the best designated driver...

Me: hold my beer

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

What's the difference between a commuter's phone and a 737 MAX?

The phone doesn't randomly lose Lyft completely while operating.

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a therapist's office.

"What seems to be the problem sir?" says the therapist

The man says, "I am very afraid of random letters."

Therapist: "Oh, you are?"

The man starts screaming and panicking.

Therapist: "Oh I see."

The man's screams intensify.

Folks who are Jewish are the “Chosen People”

But the Muslims are the “randomly selected.”

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