The 120+ Best Random Jokes

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

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A random girl asked me to explain to her what an NFT is

I replied that an NFT is like everyone fucking your wife and using her, but you don't have to worry because you have the paperwork which says you are married to her.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

Whenever I get a stack of resumes on my desk at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my department.

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

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I asked 100 random women what's their favorite shampoo was...

99 replied with, "get the fuck out of my bathroom!!”

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

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me: I’m terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh, I see

me: [screaming intensifies]

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

Why did the goldfish act randomly?

It was RNG.

My dad got randomly fussed at by the doctor when he went to the urologist After talking with the doctor for a bit, the doctor seemed distant and my dad asked "What is it?"

That doctor said "urine trouble"

I told my friend he needs to stop singing Tom Jones at random, he replied...

It's not unusual...

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

Mansa Musa, the richest man ever to live, was riding through Egypt with his giant retinue. As a show of generosity, he gave gold (of which he had much) to random passerby. One such person was a Frenchman named Ed.

Ed dit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

My friend randomly said: "Pinocchio is a trans icon."

Me: Why?

My friend: "I wanna be a real boy!"

(A stupid joke but I wanted to post it anyway)

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This weird joke just came into my head randomly.

What is the thing women wear on their breasts? A booby-trap.

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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…

… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.

There was a random drug test at my workplace the other day.

Fortunately, mine came out clean.

But my dealer has some explaining to do.

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

I've just been randomly flicking through the Acme Products website.

There seems to be an awful lot of negative feedback comments by user 'Wile E. Coyote'.

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits...

Pulp Fiction

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Random joke

A govt laid taxes on sex workers for blowjobs recently. I think it was a suck-cess.

Isn't it strange how sometimes a random 80s rap song will start playing in your head for no reason?

I guess we just have to accept that the brain is a very complex organ, because it's like that, and that's the way it is.

What do you call a witcher that's great at answering random questions?

Geralt of trivia.

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

My dad sent me a random text asking what type of lube do I use

I responded, “K…Y?”

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

Random thought

Pregnant horses can run faster, coz they have two horse power.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

A man was really struggling so he decides to open a Bible to random page and drop his finger on a verse and do whatever it says.

The verse his finger landed on was Matthew 27:5 “than Judas hanged himself”

The man thought “that’s not right, let me try again” and does the same thing, this time landing on Luke 10:37 “Jesus told him ‘go and do likewise’”

Again the man thought it wasn’t right and so he did it one l...

Random person asks the genie saying “i wish i didn't exist”

-Random person asks the genie saying: “i wish i didn't exist”
-genie: *poof* “granted”
-person : “nothng changed”
-genie : “Look agan”

A tree randomly falls on a lady.

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

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if you decide to slap a random black guys ass and it turns out to be Dwayne Johnson..

..you've really hit rock bottom

Idea credit goes to a random redditor on a random askreddit thread about stereotypes

A man goes up to his friend and asks him:

"What do you think is the most infuriating stereotype about men that people always talk about?"

His friend replies:

"I hate it when people say that men can't multitask. Whenever I hear someone say that, I have to stop what I'm doing so t...

If you ask a random person their middle initial, most of the time they'll just tell you.

Turns out, most people's middle initial is Y.

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

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I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

I made this joke up randomly at the store...

Did you hear Cyclops of the x-men got vaccinated?

He got his pfizer.

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

A man forgot his dog’s name, so he started yelling random names.

Then it came back to him.

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The wife walks in while watching porn

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

I discovered the secret of randomness.

It's not what you expect

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences

But overall, this shouldn't be an issue

I keep randomly shouting out "Brocolli" and "Cauliflower".

I think I might have Florets.

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender

"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

My printer keeps playing random music

I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says "How to stop procrasinating”

I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later

Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete but I heard them continuously.

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

A random riddle

A man fell out of the highest window in a building that has more than 5 stories.

He survived with hardly any injuries.

How?

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

I want to stop randomly talking about acne

But there's no pimple way to do it

Random Joke

Q. what to sprinters eat before they race?

A. Nothing...they fast.

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

A recent study has shown TSA random searches are in fact random

After hundreds of hours of observation at dozens of airports researchers were able to say with a high degree of confidence that TSA searches are applied randomly. The frequency of brown skinned men entering the line was highly variable and had no discernible pattern.

What’s the difference between the Chinese Government and a Random Word Generator?

At least a random word generator sometimes tells the truth

Random blonde joke.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her fir...

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

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I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

A random person walks up to God and says "You don't exist. There's just no way."

And God replies with

"Uhh... Yahwey."

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

I have the most original idea for a TV show. Contestants will be read a line from a random poem, and they will be asked which author the line belongs to.

I'll name it, 'Whose Line Is It, Anyway?'

I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

One of my friends uses condoms for random tasks around the house

It's the nuttiest thing I've ever heard of

A random quote written in gents toilet

You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

Canada got its name from a hat full of random letters.

The first one was C eh. The next one was N eh and the last one was D eh.

Doc I’m afraid of random letters

Doc: you are?

Me: *jumps out of seat

Doc: okay why?

Me: *opens door

Doc: you are a cutie. I envy you

Me: *dies of heart attack

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

My teacher randomly capitalizes letters on an assignment when someone misbehaves

It’s their capital punishment

All the students were afraid of the Spanish teacher because she would ask random questions throughout class

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

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Me: trying not to randomly laugh while at a funeral

Random person: I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus...

What idiot decided to call it “randomized clinical trial with placebo”

And not “trick or treatment”

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

Random Thought

Are those who make upper extremity prosthetics known as "Arms Dealers"?

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

This may seem random, but C Minor...

On a related note, E flat.

I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one...

It's going to be a game changer....

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