A random riddle

A man fell out of the highest window in a building that has more than 5 stories.

He survived with hardly any injuries.

How?

Random Joke

Q. what to sprinters eat before they race?

A. Nothing...they fast.

I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

I used to randomly steal beverages off people...

In the end, it just wasn't my cup of tea

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

**Therapist:** You are?

**Me:** *SCREAMS*

**Therapist:** Oh! I see

**Me:** *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one...

It's going to be a game changer....

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

PSA: Be alert of random scissor attack

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

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I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

I keep randomly shouting brocolli and cauliflower

I think I may have florettes

For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Doc I’m afraid of random letters

Doc: you are?

Me: *jumps out of seat

Doc: okay why?

Me: *opens door

Doc: you are a cutie. I envy you

Me: *dies of heart attack

Random Thought

Are those who make upper extremity prosthetics known as "Arms Dealers"?

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it star...

What do you call a man who randomly steals French pancakes?

A crepetomaniac

A drone with a screen showing random changing numbers was flying toward me.

It struck me as odd.

Biochemistry Joke: A disordered protein is found dead in an alley in what appears to be a random murder

“What a shame”, says the police officer
“Another crime without motif”

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.

I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known othe...

I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even l...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

A dog randomly saved my life a few years ago, I ended up taking him home with me and naming him Malone.

Because I will never be able to pay him back.

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

5 Guys From Knock-Knock Jokes

5 guys--Boo, Woo, You, Ach, and Who--meet up for lunch. They describe their experiences knocking on random people's doors. The conversation goes as follows:

Boo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, the person who answers the door is crying.

Woo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, t...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

In a random chat a woman I never met messaged me "You are rather gifted at analingus." I was shocked, I never met her, and I didn't think she communicated with any of my former partners.

Then she messaged correction analogies.

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Request for dirty joke story

Hi everyone. In 12 hours I need to have a good dirty joke but in a story version with a punch line. I know it seems random but was hoping reddit can help. Thanks

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat

“First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

What idiot decided to call it “randomized clinical trial with placebo”

And not “trick or treatment”

My printer keeps playing random music

I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.

Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

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I asked a random woman what her favourite Radiohead song is.

She said, "I don't know...Creep?"


I said, "Fuck off, you don't even know me."

I like to randomly throw things at ballerinas.

Keeps them on their toes.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

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A shipwreck occurred, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in...

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

So, my child just broke my new iPhone X screen. So, here’s a give away to a random Redditor!

She’s about 7, can do math and housework. Anyone interested?

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete,but I could hear their chatter continuosly

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I walked up to a random ginger bloke today

I asked him “if you had 7 girls numbers in your left pocket and 8 girls numbers in your right pocket what would you have?
“I would have 15 girls phone numbers” he replied
I said “wrong, you would have someone else’s pants on you ginger cunt”

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

My friend says she's never dating a European guy again.

She said "They always either try to leave randomly or just don't Finnish."

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

How do you determine the volume of a pizza?

Well, it’s basically a very flat cylinder. Let’s give it a random radius “z” and an arbitrary height “a”.

The volume of a cylinder is 3.14 x radius squared x height.

(Pi)(z)(z)(a)

Just a joke I remembered from math class way back in the day.

The wife's mad that I went out and showed random people my genitals, but I'm so confused.

She wasn't upset when I said I'd be back in a flash.

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Timmy: Dad, what’s shit posting?

Dad: well son, shit posting is the constant posting of mildly amusing but usually unfunny memes, videos or other pictures that are completely random or unrelated to any discussions.

Timmy: I get it! Where’d you learn that from?

Dad: well son, I Reddit.

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

My day today

\>buy GTAV
\>walk down the street
\>punch random bystanders
\>steal a car
\>run over more people
\>kill a cop and take his gun
\>steal his car
\>run over people whilst shooting more people
\>pull a fast one on the cops
\>get ...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

I told this random guy at a bar that I can speak fluent French with the correct pronunciation.

I asked him if he thought I was Lyon and if so why would I? He's just a guy at a bar... I have nothing Toulouse. I do hope he had a Nice day.

Drink Driving

I was driving on a highway in Singapore and a random roadblock was spotted there. Prior to driving past, I dropped a drunk friend.

As I drove slowly for my turn to pass, I decided to do this.

Officer: Sir, random check. (Sniffed) sir please park to the side.

Me: OK.

Offi...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

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The main question at a random ejaculation help group:

'What have we come to?'

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

A man with a disorder that makes him urinate randomly is talking to another man with an Italian accent.

He is confused by his accent and asks what nationality he is. The Italian man replies, “European!”

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Co worker 1:Maybe I should do a Kardashian...

Co worker 2: Kim?
Co worker 1: No. A sex tape with a random rapper.

One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

Inexplicably, there are random craft supplies scattered all throughout my living room.

I don't know what to make of it.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

Proof that reality is a simulation...

The developers accidentally gave Totinos a randomized heat resistance stat.

Oldie but a goodie.

There are four people on a small plane heading north over Canada. The pilot, Trump , the pope and a random backpacker.
Suddenly the engine starts emitting black smoke and dies.
As the plane slowly starts to fall the pilot rips open a compartment with three parachutes, takes one and sho...

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

Random person: I'm the best designated driver...

Me: hold my beer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen.

He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pharmacy...

...and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales lady notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. The lady kindly directs him down the correct aisle and sends him on his way....

Imagine if everyone in the world woke up covered in random bruises...

There would be mass contusion

I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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