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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

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Me: I’m afraid of random letters.

Therapist: You are?

Me: [confused screaming]

Therapist: Oh, I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

It was a random night

I was playing this Harry Potter game and it was really late at night. So my mom came and told me to Quidditch.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

Girls in Thailand are like a box of random chocolates

You never know which one has nuts

So a man watches TV heen suddenly the bell rings... The man opens the door and sees a random snail sitting naar the front door.

He throws the snail away and goes on watching TV.

Three years later the door bell rings again and the man opens the door. He sees the snail Again and the snail says: "Dude was that necessary?".

A random riddle

A man fell out of the highest window in a building that has more than 5 stories.

He survived with hardly any injuries.

How?

Random Joke

Q. what to sprinters eat before they race?

A. Nothing...they fast.

I asked my Jewish friend to come up with an random number

he said 6 million

I picked a random number generator, but it only goes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ...

Apparently, if you want a random number generator, you shouldn't pick a number generator at random.

All the students were afraid of the Spanish teacher because she would ask random questions throughout class

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels.

I used to randomly steal beverages off people...

In the end, it just wasn't my cup of tea

Our Business is implementing random drug testing...

I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one...

It's going to be a game changer....

My local candle factory just got randomly shut down.

It makes no scents.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.

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I've had it,I'm going to divorce my wife , first it was some random guy in a club,then her ex, her boss,our mailman, my best friend and even her stepbrother...

I just love sucking cocks!!!

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

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A father got called into his sons school.

He enters the principles office, and takes a seat across the desk. The principle says to the dad, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to inform you about your sons actions today in class. Your son was caught blowing bubbles today in class.”
The father kind of sinks down into his seat. But then he real...

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

Yeah, we're really supposed to believe that happens randomly?

Letter from Wal-Mart

Mr. Wally Brown

President and CEO

WalMart Complaint Department

MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton — Complaints — Things Mr. Royse Samples has
done while his wife was shopping:

1. November 15, 2019: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’...

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

I keep randomly shouting brocolli and cauliflower

I think I may have florettes

A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it

The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were ...

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My boss just walked in with some scientists and yelled "Random drug test!"

I think he's taking the piss

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Doc I’m afraid of random letters

Doc: you are?

Me: *jumps out of seat

Doc: okay why?

Me: *opens door

Doc: you are a cutie. I envy you

Me: *dies of heart attack

For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

Random Thought

Are those who make upper extremity prosthetics known as "Arms Dealers"?

I had to disable the lane departure warning on my new car.

It kept going off at random times, for no reason, and it was distracting me from my texting.

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

What do you call a man who randomly steals French pancakes?

A crepetomaniac

A drone with a screen showing random changing numbers was flying toward me.

It struck me as odd.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween.

I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Biochemistry Joke: A disordered protein is found dead in an alley in what appears to be a random murder

“What a shame”, says the police officer
“Another crime without motif”

A delivery man gets the part time job as a magician...(OC)

He tells a random person
"Pick a card any card!"
After the person pics a card the delivery man says: "your card will be revealed in 3-6 business days"

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

A group of blonde women decide once and for all, they were going to end the stereotype that blondes are dumb.

They hired a professor from Harvard to do a group test. 100 blonde women entered into a room and one of them was picked at random. The professor explained that he was going to ask a series of questions.

He asked the woman... “What is 5 + 10?”

”oh that’s easy” the Woman replied. “That’s...

What do you call a random piece of bread?

A naan-sequitur

A new doctor with unique treatment methods gets appointed in a mental asylum

He decides to test 3 random patients to evaluate how unstable they are. If they pass the evaluation they can go home else face rigorous treatment.

For the test he calls their concerned relatives and takes them to a deep swimming pool without water. He then puts a drop of water into the pool....

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

Stranded unfortunately...

##

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

I was on school and a custodian said to some random kid...

"If stupidity was music you would be an orchestra"

The other day I saw a Zomato delivery giving a lift to a random stranger

and my immediate thought was, "Oh, Zomato's venturing into human trafficking now?"

My friend and I were talking yesterday and

## he asked me if I sometimes randomly recited the English vowels. I replied, "Sometimes, why?".

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

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A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even l...

A dog randomly saved my life a few years ago, I ended up taking him home with me and naming him Malone.

Because I will never be able to pay him back.

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

My printer keeps playing random music

I called support. Don’t worry they said, it’s just the paper jamming.

Canada got its name from a hat full of random letters.

The first one was C eh. The next one was N eh and the last one was D eh.

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

What idiot decided to call it “randomized clinical trial with placebo”

And not “trick or treatment”

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

Whenever I get a stack of job applications, I always choose half at random to throw away.

After all, I can’t have unlucky people working for me.

Four rabbis are arguing:

Four rabbis are arguing.
Three rabbis hold one opinion and the fourth one holds an opposite opinion.
The rabbi who oppose the three says: "God will prove I am right!"
There is a lightning and thunder outside.
"That's just a random accident," say those three.
Outside, it star...

We had random drug testing at work today.

The pcp was my favourite.

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I asked a random woman what her favourite Radiohead song is.

She said, "I don't know...Creep?"


I said, "Fuck off, you don't even know me."

Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser

Just to take the edge off

I like to randomly throw things at ballerinas.

Keeps them on their toes.

So, my child just broke my new iPhone X screen. So, here’s a give away to a random Redditor!

She’s about 7, can do math and housework. Anyone interested?

I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.

I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known othe...

Two random variables were talking in a bar

They thought they were being discrete,but I could hear their chatter continuosly

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I walked up to a random ginger bloke today

I asked him “if you had 7 girls numbers in your left pocket and 8 girls numbers in your right pocket what would you have?
“I would have 15 girls phone numbers” he replied
I said “wrong, you would have someone else’s pants on you ginger cunt”

Nasa decided to put a random object on all of Saturn's moons

So now there's a tack on Titan.

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed in to London Zoo making random demands.

He has taken six ostriches.

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

Request for dirty joke story

Hi everyone. In 12 hours I need to have a good dirty joke but in a story version with a punch line. I know it seems random but was hoping reddit can help. Thanks

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

5 Guys From Knock-Knock Jokes

5 guys--Boo, Woo, You, Ach, and Who--meet up for lunch. They describe their experiences knocking on random people's doors. The conversation goes as follows:

Boo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, the person who answers the door is crying.

Woo: Whenever I knock on someone's door, t...

The wife's mad that I went out and showed random people my genitals, but I'm so confused.

She wasn't upset when I said I'd be back in a flash.

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

I told this random guy at a bar that I can speak fluent French with the correct pronunciation.

I asked him if he thought I was Lyon and if so why would I? He's just a guy at a bar... I have nothing Toulouse. I do hope he had a Nice day.

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

A man with a disorder that makes him urinate randomly is talking to another man with an Italian accent.

He is confused by his accent and asks what nationality he is. The Italian man replies, “European!”

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look m...

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue comment...

Inexplicably, there are random craft supplies scattered all throughout my living room.

I don't know what to make of it.

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