I’m suspicious of ladders

They always seem to be up to something

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Ladder to success

A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates he saw a beautiful woman sitting under a tree. She smiled at him and said, "Come to my arms and make love to me". As the man happily approached her he saw a ladder going up through the skies.

"What is that?", the man asked....

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...

...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.

\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?

\- This one, young man?

\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!

\- No problem, dear!...

What did the step ladder say to the ladder?

You’re not my real dad

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

How To Climb A Ladder: The Complete Guide

Step 1: Step 1

Step 2: Step 2

Step 3: Step 3

Step 4: Step 4

Step 5: Step 5

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

I taught my dog to climb a ladder...

...because he specializes in roofing.

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

This is my step ladder

He’s pretty useful around the house yet I’m still salty I never met my real ladder..

What do you call a male ladder?

A lad.

I had to get on the ladder to change a lightbulb in the garage this afternoon.

You could say it was the high light of my day.

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I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

Why is it a bad idea to climb a ladder around Rick Astley?

Because he's never gonna let you down

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

What if I was to kill 2 men with a ladder?

Would I be causing co-ladder-al damage?

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".

My friend is addicted to buying ladders

He uses them to get high.

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Ladder to success

A guy is wandering through the woods on a trail he's been through many times before when he notices a ladder in the middle of the trail stretching up farther than he can see.

He's never seen this before so he says to himself "fuck it lets see where this goes"

He begins his acsent climb...

Someone asked me, why do you have a step-ladder.

It's because i never knew my real one.

I don't think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,

It was an unpleasant asscent.

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought th...

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Them Aussie Drop Bears!

A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

My mom divorced my dad and got remarried to a ladder

It’s now my step ladder

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How many Freudian psychanalysts do you need to change a light bulb? Two:

One to change the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.

THE LADDER! I meant the ladder.

I got a new step ladder.......

I used to have a real ladder.....One I could look up to. Who at one time could support 3 people but now is in the 12 step program. I learned if you wanna reach new heights you got to have something strong to lean on. Otherwise you might fall and not get back up.

I fell off the ladder the other day...

I lay in pain unable to move for hours. Finally a blonde walks by and I tell her to dial 911. She does as instructed and promptly hangs up. I ask “well, what they’d say? She replies, “well, they asked if I was injured, so I said no and hung up!”

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

My friend was showing me around his toolshed

Pointing to a ladder he said, "That's my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder."

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home.

1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt.
2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high.
3. A Barstool - this one is a but more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

I fell off my step-ladder and hurt myself!

I bet my *real* ladder would have caught me.

I had to use my step-ladder to clean the windows earlier.

i don't get on with my real ladder

My wife fell off a 50 foot ladder today.

Unfortunately she was only on the first step.

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

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What's the difference between a ladder and a step ladder?

Apparently it's okay to fuck your step ladder.

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

Top 10 household items you can use to get high!

1. Ladder

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One lawyer buys a ladder, the second one moves it and the third one sues the ladder's company

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

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The Ladder To Success

A man dies and wakes up in heaven. After he walks through the pearly gates, he finds a ladder going to another floor. He climbs up, and finds an ugly looking woman. The woman goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man, turned off by the woman’s looks, continues up the ladder.

H...

When given a choice between scaffolding and a ladder

I always choose the latter

I tried to get a Jacobs ladder penile piercing...

Best I could get was a Jacobs Step stool.

What'll get you higher, weed or a ladder?

The latter.

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

There was an astronaut who landed on an alien planet inhabited by several beautiful women.

When he climbed out of his spaceship, he was approached by the women, who were all some 20 feet taller. One came up to him and asked, ‘I suppose you want to see the leader?’ The astronaut looked up at her, and replied:

“’Take me to your ladder. I’ll see your leader later.’”

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store?

Because it said "High Discounts".

When your going up a ladder and you feel something splatter...

Diarrhea diarrhea

When you running up a hill and you feel something spill...

What did Scarlatti tell Vivaldi when he fell off a ladder?

"I guess you Baroque your Bach. I bet you can't Handel the pain."

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

My father has a serious problem with ladders.

He just gets high all day...

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

Bob is retiring

After 40 years of balancing our company's chequebooks and working his way up the corporate ladder to CFO, it was finally time for Bob to retire. Everybody loved Bob, so we wanted to make his retirement party special.

Bob was a bit of a wine connoisseur, so we needed to find him a great bottle...

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man re...

I want to buy a step ladder

but im afraid i wont love it as much as my real ladder

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A man hears a thumping on his roof, goes outside to look and she's a guerilla on his roof

He calls animal control and says he has a gorilla on his roof. They say they have just the guy for the job and he'll be over in half an hour. After half an hour, a white van pulls up to the house. A man steps out with a ladder, a bat, a net, a shotgun, and a rottweiler.

"So how are you gonna ...

Two men are discussing how they'll reach a lightbulb that needs to be changed.

Man 1: would you like the ladder or the step stool?

Man 2: I prefer the ladder.

Man 1: ok, step stool it is.

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

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climb the ladder to success

A woman who is down on her luck was walking down a street when she came across a rusty ladder on the side of a building with a sign saying, "climb the ladder to success!" Thinking that she's got nothing to lose, she climbs the ladder, only to find a naked man standing there, with his dick out. The w...

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The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I th...

I have been climbing up the corporate ladder in my job at the bike factory.

I was just promoted to be the spokesperson.

3 generations of males went to an old-fashioned store...

The young man asked for a pound of raisins from the pretty lady behind the counter. She had to climb a ladder to fill the order, revealing her naked flesh under her short skirt. Then, she asked his dad what he wanted.

Wanting to see a panty-less beauty climb the stairs again, he too asked f...

I just got a ladder in my tights.

I truly am a talented shoplifter

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Even after my grandpa died 4 years ago, I still remember his final words

"STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!!! "

Ever get real mad at your step ladder and yell at it?

"Whatever, you're not my REAL ladder!"

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

What do you call when a ladder is replaced with stairs?

Climb-it change.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

I bought a new ladder this week...

...it has its ups and downs.

I saw a woman busted for shoplifting at the DIY store today.

She had a ladder in her stocking.

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A little boy runs to his grandmother, and says:

\-Granny! Grandpa fell off the ladder, because he was swearing!

\-Why, what did he say?

\-He said: "Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road.

My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,” I replied “probably the ladder.”

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

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The Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her ...

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