I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

I fell off a 40 ft ladder once....

Lucky for me I was on the bottom rung.

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Ladders are like women.

They'll have you climbing the fucking walls!

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.

"That's my step ladder", he said. "I never knew my real ladder".

What costs more, a ladder or a Lamborghini?

The latter

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Two blonde builders were working on a house.

One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blon...

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I will never forget what my grandpa told me right before he died

"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?"

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A fireman is sitting in front of the station when he sees a little boy coming down the street in a little red wagon. He's put little ladders on the side and a garden hose is coiled in the front.

The kid is wearing a fireman's helmet and the wagon is tied to a dog and cat who are pulling the wagon.

"That sure is a nice fire truck you got there."
"Thanks," the boy says.

The fireman looks more closely and sees the boy has the wagon tied to the dog's collar and the cat's test...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...

...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.

\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?

\- This one, young man?

\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!

\- No problem, dear!...

I have a ladder

Well, it's not really my ladder. My mom got remarried and her new husband brought it from his place, so it's only my step-ladder.

I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday.

Luckily I was on the bottom step.

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

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How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

I'll never forget my granddad's last word to me just before he died

the words where: JIMMY ARE U STILL HOLDING THE LADDERS

This is my step ladder

He’s pretty useful around the house yet I’m still salty I never met my real ladder..

How To Climb A Ladder: The Complete Guide

Step 1: Step 1

Step 2: Step 2

Step 3: Step 3

Step 4: Step 4

Step 5: Step 5

I’m suspicious of ladders

They always seem to be up to something

Why is it a bad idea to climb a ladder around Rick Astley?

Because he's never gonna let you down

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A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought th...

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Ladder to success

A man died and went to heaven. As he entered through the pearly gates he saw a beautiful woman sitting under a tree. She smiled at him and said, "Come to my arms and make love to me". As the man happily approached her he saw a ladder going up through the skies.

"What is that?", the man asked....

I taught my dog to climb a ladder...

...because he specializes in roofing.

I had to get on the ladder to change a lightbulb in the garage this afternoon.

You could say it was the high light of my day.

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

What do you call a male ladder?

A lad.

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I'll never forget my Grandfather's last words

'Stop shaking the ladder ya little bastard'

Who does a ladder call for help if it gets stuck in a washing machine?

Its step ladder.

What if I was to kill 2 men with a ladder?

Would I be causing co-ladder-al damage?

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A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

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A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pi...

My friend is addicted to buying ladders

He uses them to get high.

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

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Ladder to success

A guy is wandering through the woods on a trail he's been through many times before when he notices a ladder in the middle of the trail stretching up farther than he can see.

He's never seen this before so he says to himself "fuck it lets see where this goes"

He begins his acsent climb...

Someone asked me, why do you have a step-ladder.

It's because i never knew my real one.

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

Pigmy kids bragging

Most kids brag about how tall their fathers are, but pigmy kids brag about how small their fathers are.

One day three kids are playing when one says, "My dad's only 3'1"."

2nd kid says, "That's nothing. My dad's 2'11"."

The 3rd kid was quiet so they asked, How tall is your dad?...

I don't think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,

It was an unpleasant asscent.

A ladder was sent to prison once.

He must have done something horribly rung.

I got a new step ladder.......

I used to have a real ladder.....One I could look up to. Who at one time could support 3 people but now is in the 12 step program. I learned if you wanna reach new heights you got to have something strong to lean on. Otherwise you might fall and not get back up.

I fell off the ladder the other day...

I lay in pain unable to move for hours. Finally a blonde walks by and I tell her to dial 911. She does as instructed and promptly hangs up. I ask “well, what they’d say? She replies, “well, they asked if I was injured, so I said no and hung up!”

Why is a step ladder better then a regular ladder?

Because your regular ladder went for cigarettes and never came back.

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A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder...

...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb.

After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said.

He decided that he was definitely not drunk...

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

What'll get you higher, weed or a ladder?

The latter.

My wife fell off a 50 foot ladder today.

Unfortunately she was only on the first step.

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Climbing the Ladder to Success

Joe walks along a road and comes across a man standing next to a ladder that stretches up into the clouds. He walks up to the man and asks what's going on.

"Oh, this? This is the ladder to success," the man replies.

"Interesting," Joe mumbles. "I was just fired from my job and caugh...

I fell off my step-ladder and hurt myself!

I bet my *real* ladder would have caught me.

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The Ladder To Success

A man dies and wakes up in heaven. After he walks through the pearly gates, he finds a ladder going to another floor. He climbs up, and finds an ugly looking woman. The woman goes, “fuck me, or climb the ladder to success.” The man, turned off by the woman’s looks, continues up the ladder.

H...

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

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What's the difference between a ladder and a step ladder?

Apparently it's okay to fuck your step ladder.

Why did the Blonde bring a ladder to the store?

Because it said "High Discounts".

A man was walking down the street when he heard a distant voice say, "Climb the ladder to success."

The man then noticed a ladder leaning up against the building to his right. Again, he heard the voice: "Climb the ladder to success." The man shrugged and began to climb. The voice kept repeating itself and grew louder as the man approached the top. "Climb the ladder to success." Finally, the man re...

You can't perform a religious ceremony with only using a few parts of a ladder

Two rungs don't make a rite

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder

Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

I tried to get a Jacobs ladder penile piercing...

Best I could get was a Jacobs Step stool.

When given a choice between scaffolding and a ladder

I always choose the latter

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

Studies show that owning a ladder is 10 times more dangerous than owning a gun.

That’s why I own 10 guns. In case some maniac trys to come at me with a ladder.

I have this weird problem where I can't understand metaphors, unless they are also ladder-related puns.

My psychologist keeps is trying to find some Holy Rail of a solution, but I'm pretty content to continue to sweep it under the rung.

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climb the ladder to success

A woman who is down on her luck was walking down a street when she came across a rusty ladder on the side of a building with a sign saying, "climb the ladder to success!" Thinking that she's got nothing to lose, she climbs the ladder, only to find a naked man standing there, with his dick out. The w...

I want to buy a step ladder

but im afraid i wont love it as much as my real ladder

When your going up a ladder and you feel something splatter...

Diarrhea diarrhea

When you running up a hill and you feel something spill...

My father has a serious problem with ladders.

He just gets high all day...

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

3 kids walk into a candy store

The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your...

I just got a ladder in my tights.

I truly am a talented shoplifter

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The Ladder

On my way back from work, I stop the car in the driveway and see my neighbor doing something quite strange.
Going up and down a ladder against the side of his garage, he seemed to be having some trouble with a tape measure.
It looked like he was trying to measure the ladder itself, though I th...

Ever get real mad at your step ladder and yell at it?

"Whatever, you're not my REAL ladder!"

What do you call when a ladder is replaced with stairs?

Climb-it change.

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

I bought a new ladder this week...

...it has its ups and downs.

The ladder to success

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, choose...

What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.

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